Is it ok to be ok?
I think so....
Do I want to cry everyday? Sometimes.
Do I feel like slowly the world is forgetting that he
lived, that he was a part of this life?
Sure do.
Do I now have a deeper wisdom when it comes to seeing
these kind of situations from the outside looking in?
Absolutely.
Can I ever cry enough to bring him back?
If I could, he would be here.
For awhile I was the girl who was pregnant with a baby
with heart problems, then I was the mother with a baby that had heart problems,
next I was the mother of a baby who died of heart problems, and now... Well,
I'm at an odd place. It's been over long
enough that life has moved on, there is no need to blog or update everyone or
even ask for prayer anymore(at least like I did) I always wondered about the
day when I wouldn't "need" you all so much. (But maybe I really do
because so many continually tell me that they pray for me often) I was driving
down the road the other day and the thought, "I'm glad he died" made
it's presence known in my mind and it caught me off guard. For the last 19
months I have been trying to learn to be ok with the fact that he did pass away
and suddenly out of no where, I am glad he died? I immediately explored that
thought and prayed, "Lord, what am I even saying?!" Later in the week
I came across a picture on Instagram of another heart baby's "9am
meds"... There are 11 meds laid out in their doses ready to give her. It
occurred to me that that would have been my life. My baby boy would be on lots
of meds, all the time and would be forever. You know I'm not saying that I wouldn't
do it everyday of my life if I could. If Noah were here, alive, and he needed
that many meds, more surgeries, constant medical attention etc, you know we
would do it, everyday of our lives and we would be thankful he was here with
us. I can tell you that I would drive 6 hours one way to be at his Dr's or we
would have moved to Ft. Worth. I would have been there everyday, trying to make
his world as happy and functional as possible. Trust me, I would have. If he
were here we would do all we would have to do and all we could do to make his
life an incredible one.
But he's not.
He. Is. Not. Here.
You want the honest truth?
I am glad he's whole.
I am glad he's healed.
I am glad I'm not administering 11 medications multiple
times a day.
I am glad he will never have to endure another heart
surgery. Ever.
I am glad he won't have to ever deal with why his body
failed him from the start.
I am glad that he has won his race.
With that being said, I've come to an odd place in grief.
It comes much less than it used to, life is at a normal place again. Not to say
we will ever be the same as we were before, definitely better, but not the
same. Yet, I don't have to write every week to try to let people know what's
going on in my heart and in our life. I don't have any new followers on here,
no profound wisdom flowing from the most recent lesson learned in the grieving
process, and that is ok. It means that grief has taken it's hardest toll and we
are coming into a season of healing and renewal.
There are moments when I want to grab the world's
attention and say "hey, don't you remember him?" "See him?"
"See how amazing he was!" "See how handsome and perfect he
was" "he died, remember????" "Still over here figuring out
how life works when you had to bury your child" ..... Silence.
There are also moments when I want to remind people to
hold their children tighter and to never take for granted the blessing of a
healthy child. Some days my heart just aches because so many children in this
world do not have someone to love them and I want to fix it all. I want every
child to know and feel the love my son received, not just from myself or nick
but from the masses of people who were touched by him. I want all of that love
to somehow touch kids that don't have it. Lord, please.
So, my goal these days is to not feel guilty for not
grieving all the time, for having more good days than bad, and for not trying
make people remember him or that it happened to us. I want to be changed by him
forever, yet I don't have to force all that's happened onto anyone and even
myself. I don't have to always think about him or the life he lived. It doesn't
dishonor him to move forward in life.
I still grieve. I always will. Every September. Every
February. Every Mother's Day. Every holiday. Every normal day. Every day; in
it's own way. It could be a small thing that brings up an ocean of tears onto a
shore of memories. It could be anything. Most things make me think of him, but
not all of those things make me want to curl up in a ball and weep anymore. I
do not have as many days that I want to stay in bed and sleep all day.
There is too much life to live to wallow. He is still in
my life, everyday. It's ok that he isn't a part of everyone else's.
Life is moving forward, getting brighter and easier to
do.
Noah has been gone far longer than he was here. I'm
learning that's how life will look like for awhile to come; until the next
season of healing comes. Taking things a day at a time and knowing that because
I am better at being me, I will never forget that boy or what he means to me.
The commotion has settled, the craziness of it all is about over and this momma is left here in this awkward silence.
