I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of trying to be friends with everyone, please everyone, make sure everyone is happy, taken care of, etc etc etc. I just get hurt. The level of hurt I feel and have dealt with in the last 2 years is at an all time high. I would be quite content to just keep the acquaintances I have, the close friends I have now, and my family near and that's all. I'm tired of meeting people, being vulnerable enough to share with them and trust them....only to betrayed and hurt.
so right now I'm done being the friend. I'm done being the one who makes sure everyone is happy. I am just me, Nick's wife, Tracy and Lisa's daughter and Staci's sister. If you are my friend and we're close, I treasure you. If you've been hurt by me, I'm desperately sorry and if you've hurt me, I'm trying to forgive you. If you do not belong in one of those categories, I'll try to open up some. For now, I just want to be...
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Time to Lay it Down...
Well, for the last almost 2 years Nick and I have been involved in collegiate ministry. It has been a huge blessing and yet it has been a huge burden at times. This is one of those times and I have decided to take a much needed sabbatical. In this time of rest I am asking the Lord to show me what He desires of me beyond ministry and the church. What does he desire of me? period. What is next in my life? I am anxious to see where God takes me in this time of release. there is hurt that needs to be released, rest that needs to be soaked up and blessings to be harvested while I settle my heart and mind. We'll see what God decides to do in me now that I have finally surrendered.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Saturday, July 4, 2009
don't know a thing...
I'm not completely sure why I still write on this thing. Ever. No one actually reads it or anything. I am not blogging about getting married, buying a house, having kids, a new amazing job, moving cities, getting a new pet, or a new car or even a raise. No, I'm just writing to get stuff off my chest. Boring, but gosh, there sure is a lot right now. Its built up over the course of the last few months. People get on my nerves. I'm to the point where sometimes I would rather not associate with so many people because it would allow me to avoid much of the pain i tend to feel these days. I've gotten to where I know better and press on towards relationships and trying so that I will not clam up in my home and never come out.
People change. a lot. all the time. it is a good thing, but people go about it in the wrong way sometimes. well, a lot of the time. either way, we all need change. Why is it that people don't know how to change and still be aware of others around them. Why is it that in the midst of GOOD change, people think it is BAD and ASSUME things about people that aren't true.
I'm tired of feeling pulled in all directions. Like these people, don't like these, go to this church, don't go to that one, do this with your life, don't do that, have kids now, wait to have kids for then, buy a house now, don't wait any longer, no wait until you're ready. gosh. I'm just tired. I'm tired of everyone around me thinking they know me and what is best for me. I sound like I am 18 and barely out of high school, rebelling against my parents and needing to go drive for a thousand miles in one direction.
I don't care where you go to church, what you do for a living or who you call your friends. I'm doing my best everyday, to be my best for the Lord and to trust that He is guiding Nick and myself into his plan for us. Please don't try to get in the way of that.
Nick and I will buy a house when God leads us to one. We will have children when he is ready to bless our socks off. We will own our own business when he says, JUMP, I've got you! AND, we will always be content and satisfied with the life God gives us because without Him, we would be miserable.
I don't know why people think after a few months of time, things just go back to normal. I don't understand why people hold grudges. I don't get that fact that people think they are better than others. I wish I knew why college girls fight all the time. I have never understood why pastors think they have to please everyone and I sure as heck don't know why I do some of the things I do for the people I do, BUT, without all of that misunderstanding, confusion and questioning, I am coming to realize that God was not lying when he spoke through his Word saying, "he holds all things together". His purpose prevails even amidst people's grudges and egos.
I just talked to my best friend. somehow, she makes things make sense.
People change. a lot. all the time. it is a good thing, but people go about it in the wrong way sometimes. well, a lot of the time. either way, we all need change. Why is it that people don't know how to change and still be aware of others around them. Why is it that in the midst of GOOD change, people think it is BAD and ASSUME things about people that aren't true.
I'm tired of feeling pulled in all directions. Like these people, don't like these, go to this church, don't go to that one, do this with your life, don't do that, have kids now, wait to have kids for then, buy a house now, don't wait any longer, no wait until you're ready. gosh. I'm just tired. I'm tired of everyone around me thinking they know me and what is best for me. I sound like I am 18 and barely out of high school, rebelling against my parents and needing to go drive for a thousand miles in one direction.
I don't care where you go to church, what you do for a living or who you call your friends. I'm doing my best everyday, to be my best for the Lord and to trust that He is guiding Nick and myself into his plan for us. Please don't try to get in the way of that.
Nick and I will buy a house when God leads us to one. We will have children when he is ready to bless our socks off. We will own our own business when he says, JUMP, I've got you! AND, we will always be content and satisfied with the life God gives us because without Him, we would be miserable.
I don't know why people think after a few months of time, things just go back to normal. I don't understand why people hold grudges. I don't get that fact that people think they are better than others. I wish I knew why college girls fight all the time. I have never understood why pastors think they have to please everyone and I sure as heck don't know why I do some of the things I do for the people I do, BUT, without all of that misunderstanding, confusion and questioning, I am coming to realize that God was not lying when he spoke through his Word saying, "he holds all things together". His purpose prevails even amidst people's grudges and egos.
I just talked to my best friend. somehow, she makes things make sense.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
frustration
since I don't have the ability to get my paints out i'll just spill then...
Why is it that so many people are so stinkin lazy these days? I don't understand how it goes through their mind, "oh, i'll just slide on by and let everyone else do stuff for me". RRRR. I was taught to work hard, to put my best in all that I do and to be proud of what I do. I feel like there are little to no people, younger than myself, that think that way. It drives me crazy. stinkin crazy. My kids will know the meaning of work and putting your best in what you do. I can guarantee it.
Why is it that so many people are so stinkin lazy these days? I don't understand how it goes through their mind, "oh, i'll just slide on by and let everyone else do stuff for me". RRRR. I was taught to work hard, to put my best in all that I do and to be proud of what I do. I feel like there are little to no people, younger than myself, that think that way. It drives me crazy. stinkin crazy. My kids will know the meaning of work and putting your best in what you do. I can guarantee it.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
attaining branchness
John 15
The Vine and the Branches
1"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. 2He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes[a] so that it will be even more fruitful. 3You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. 4Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.
5"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. 6If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. 7If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. 8This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.
9"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. 10If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. 11I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. 12My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. 13Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. 14You are my friends if you do what I command. 15I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. 16You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. 17This is my command: Love each other.
What is it that makes me reluctant to living on the vine? I tend to live off of my own energy, work, church, people, events, activities, even my laziness at times. I cling to and live off of all these things that have no life in them and then I wonder why I feel so dry, tired and burnt out. The Vine is the Lord. Abiding and remaining in Him is all he asks, yet I make that one of the lowest things on the priority list thinking that if I get all these things done, accomplished, etc that it will make it easier to live on the Vine. Why is that? Why am I not just satisfied in Him, the Vine, the creator of life itself? My desire is to be so connected to the vine and His life giving nourishment that the things I find myself wrapped up in will slowly unwrap themselves and I will be solely attached to Him, not anything else....that He will be the core and the center of my life, guiding my decisions, showing me His will and His way in all things.
The Vine and the Branches
1"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. 2He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes[a] so that it will be even more fruitful. 3You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. 4Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.
5"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. 6If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. 7If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. 8This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.
9"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. 10If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. 11I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. 12My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. 13Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. 14You are my friends if you do what I command. 15I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. 16You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. 17This is my command: Love each other.
What is it that makes me reluctant to living on the vine? I tend to live off of my own energy, work, church, people, events, activities, even my laziness at times. I cling to and live off of all these things that have no life in them and then I wonder why I feel so dry, tired and burnt out. The Vine is the Lord. Abiding and remaining in Him is all he asks, yet I make that one of the lowest things on the priority list thinking that if I get all these things done, accomplished, etc that it will make it easier to live on the Vine. Why is that? Why am I not just satisfied in Him, the Vine, the creator of life itself? My desire is to be so connected to the vine and His life giving nourishment that the things I find myself wrapped up in will slowly unwrap themselves and I will be solely attached to Him, not anything else....that He will be the core and the center of my life, guiding my decisions, showing me His will and His way in all things.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Dry & Bitter
I haven't painted since my last semester of college. I suppose it is because the last painting that I finished or even worked on has a lot of history and memories attached to it and I still avoid that part of my life and heart right now. So, as I think about a blank canvas, the possibilities abound. There is so much I could do with a blank canvas and yet I am almost afraid to approach it. It causes things to surface that I thought I had buried so well. I'm not bitter, at all. I'm over that. Some people don't know how to get through the bitterness. Dry though, yes. It is time to let go and be open to refreshment and fluidity. hopefully i'll end up with a piece of art that somehow quenches the thirst.
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