It's ok to celebrate Mother's Day...

Ava and Mommy

It's ok to enjoy Mother's Day. If you enjoy it and celebrate it and relish in the good things in your life outside of the death of your child, it is OK. It is ok to look at your other children with wonder and amazement, with thanksgiving and gratitude and it not offend the one who is no longer here. You can be mother to ALL of your children. You can celebrate being a mom if you only carried your baby for 6 weeks before he/she was called to heaven. You could have lost your child later on in their life, but you were left on this earth without them. You could have had a few months or years with your little and life will never be the same. Yet, you can still LIVE, LOVE and REJOICE.



The first mother's day after Noah died I was fragile. It had only been a little over 2 months since he passed and I was still in the trenches of grief. I so longed to hold him still and have him in our life. (I still do, don't get me wrong) That time in my grief journey was tender, raw and it was VERY hard for me to be around other children, other mothers and other people in general. I was very immature in many ways and I would compare, question and argue with God over why certain people got to raise their babies

Noah and Mommy

and I didn't. How did I get chosen to be the one who lost a child? What I have found out through it all, is that more often than I realized, someone has said goodbye to a child sooner than they wished. I try to not say lost so often, because in my reality, I know he is not lost. It is certainly a loss though. So many people in this world have walked through infant loss, child loss, miscarriage... I was not the only mom who was dealing with or had ever dealt with death in this way. It was humbling to realize that the world didn't revolve around my loss, my grief, my hurt. I was expecting people to understand or try to when they had no idea. I would never wish it upon anyone, but I wanted them to understand how privileged they were and blessed they were to have their children living. I was so ungracious. I had to realize that it wasn't my job to make sure the world doesn't take their children for granted as I rubbed in their face that my son was gone. It just wasn't how God was asking me to walk through my grief. I came to that conclusion and it was hard to swallow.

My mom, sister and PawPaw(We miss our Mimi very much) 

 I left family events early that Mother's day 2013. I hid from the crowd of family so I could hide my tears. I didn't want to be a burden, but I just couldn't handle watching everyone enjoy their kids while I missed mine so desperately. No one mentioned him and part of me wished someone would have, but in that same moment, I didn't need a reminder. Grief can be so up and down, so emotionally tormenting that you don't know what you really want, other than to see, hold and raise that child. I'll never understand why I was chosen to be a mom to a heart baby who finished his race at 5 months old. I wasn't meant to understand it. I do know that major events, friends and family gatherings, baby dedications at church, etc were all hard places to be. I am blessed to be surrounded by gracious friends and family who loved me through my hard times, but also reminded me of God's plan and goodness. Find ways to prepare yourself or take yourself out of those equations just to give yourself some peace, but at the same time, each time you take risks and make it a point to grow through hard experiences you gain wisdom and power. Just make sure you have some support!

It is ok to take time to grieve. We all know that the pain will never actually go away. There are times I will still find a piece of Noah's life, our journey and I'll just sit and weep. There are times when I will come across a picture of him in one of the staff's office or even walking in my own hallway at home and his eyes meet mine. There are days when trying to relive our experience is the closest I feel to him. Sometimes being in the middle of worship at church is when I feel closest. Wherever you are in your grief, it is ok to be there. It is ok to struggle with holidays and big events.

What I am learning in my season right now is that it is ok to REJOICE and ENJOY life again as well. I'm not offending or forgetting Noah's life because I am enjoying and relishing in the life we are in now.

I have not lost my mother. I do not understand what it is like to lose a mother. I am thankful I do not know what it is like, but I am very close to a number of women who have and I can say that I see you and I know it is hard to celebrate mother's day when yours is not here. I know it is difficult to watch your own children grow without her here. It must hurt to go through life changes and big new seasons and want to call her on the phone and tell her all about it only to be reminded that she won't pick up. There is something special about mothers and daughters and this message is still for you.

ENJOY MOTHER'S DAY! Celebrate your mother in any way you feel would be best! Maybe you go get a pedicure and just remember her as you relax and take that moment.  Maybe you take flowers to her graveside or just buy yourself a bouquet of flowers in her memory. Put them on your table and enjoy them!

You can celebrate your child in the same way, those of you who have laid to rest, a little one. Take your other children to Chuck E Cheese or the zoo and just talk about and celebrate the little life you miss so much. Buy some balloons and release them to heaven. Make cookies and take them to someone or just sit and enjoy them all together. I truly believe that the last thing to do on Mother's Day is to not do anything at all.

If I can encourage you in any way in this, please email me. There is a link on the top of the blog page. You can message me and I can try to share and encourage you. Give yourself space to have a hard time, but also give yourself permission to enjoy this day, celebrate with joy and live in thanksgiving for all the blessings in the past and present that God has given us!

MaMaw and Sharon (my grandmother in law and mother in law)

Have peace, moms and daughters. Mothers of those who have gone before, I am so sorry you have to go through another year of missing him or her. I wish that none of us had to go through this, but find empowerment, encouragement and joy again by celebrating you as you celebrate them. Pamper yourself a bit, indulge your self some, give yourself some space and ability to enjoy something because you have endured. Honor your child by honoring yourself. It may sound selfish, but I've found that sometimes it is healing. Daughters, enjoy Mother's Day for your mom. Celebrate her, her life, her legacy, her beauty by doing something in honor of her, maybe for yourself, maybe for others, for your family... You're all loved, seen and recognized in this holiday weekend. You are not far from my thoughts. You are close to my heart. If I can support you in some way, please let me know.

Before she was a momma, but she's one of my favorites! 

If you do something in honor of your child or your mother this weekend, share it with me! I would love to see what y'all come up with!

Happy Mother's Day,
Noah's AND Ava's Mommy

New Seasonings

     Ava and I were driving across town after school and we were talking about getting her a little pool for the backyard. She was excited and asked "is it still Spring?". I told her yes it was and that we are so glad too! :) She then said, "then after Spring there will be a new seasoning!!" hehe. I giggled and told her she was right. A new season comes after Spring.
I have always loved the visual that new seasons bring to my mind. I love how in reality I am always ready for a new season.

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven; 
Ecclesiastes 3:1

God created the seasons that our world experiences throughout the year. The beautiful part about seasons is that not every place in the world experiences the same seasons at the same time. It is Spring here in Texas, but in Australia, Spring won't be starting until September. We are so used to thinking inside  of our own context/little box that we forget the world isn't the same in every place. Seasons create different environments in which things do not thrive and in which things do thrive. Spring, here in the panhandle, is always fun for me as we go from a very bland color palate to a much brighter and vibrant green, blue sky, pops of yellow (thank you dandelions). Spring is such a time that feels so alive and fresh. Winter, for instance, is always a time that I feel like hibernating, being tucked away and recluse like just like the underground seeds/dormant plant life. The cold wind, bare trees and desolate flower beds are somewhat depressing. Yet, all that time inside with people we love, yummy food and rich holidays full of life lessons and a time to reflect and focus make for an awesome season. Life sort of stands still and it is not really the time to plant and watch things grow. I deeply enjoy fall. Fall is refreshing in its own way because after finally burning to a crisp all summer, endless yard work, mowing, late nights, dirty kids, sweat and high electric bills, a coolness in the air begins to calm us and prepare us to get back into a routine. The Fall season brings with it many opportunities to fellowship, be with family, a fresh school year begins, etc. Fall, in my little world, looks different in my home, on my porch, the smells in the kitchen change and the hoodies come out. But, Fall would  not be as awesome if Summer didn't come before. We love Summer. There were 2 summers in the last few years in which I was very pregnant and it was not so fun. Worth it, but not so much a fun time I suppose. Summer is fun with a little kiddo. Swimming, sprinklers, picnics, park trips in the evenings, the sun is out longer, sidewalk chalk, nature walks and sandbox time. We love that our new house has a private backyard with a play set, trampoline and sandbox where Ava can have her own little world to play in. Blessed indeed. Summer brings about BBQs, friend time, family trips, birthdays and anniversaries in our world. Summer is full of late nights, snow cone runs and grilling. 

Each season is so specific in how it affects our home/schedule/moods/activities. Each season is particular and needed. Without the one before we would not appreciate the one coming up, nearly as much. The world needs each season. Our own worlds need each season. 

So it goes in the "seasons of life". Our seasons of life are just as important as the seasons we experience in nature. Our seasons of life come at different times for different people. They are necessary for some at certain times and necessary for others at other times. I may be in a Winter season in my life while someone else is experiencing all the freedom of Summer. When we compare each other and our different seasons of life we shortchange ourselves and create an attitude or an assumption that the "Grass is greener on the other side" but in reality the grass is greener on that other side because it is Spring in their season and Winter in yours. BE WHERE YOU ARE, for THE TIME GOD WANTS YOU TO BE. Remember a few years back with Spring turned into Summer around the end of March and never went back? We had Summer from March 30-Septemeber 1st ish.... It was like we got robbed of the cooler mornings and evenings that April brings, the rain showers and morning dew we so love about that season. We didn't have a choice, but the effects of having a season creep in too soon or one prolonged out can be harsh not  only on crops, yards and flower beds, but when we experience things "out of order" we feel like, it can be a harsh reality. 

"Since his days are determined, The number of his months is with You; And his limits You have set so that he cannot pass." Job 14:5

God is right on time and has every season planned out and timed the way he wants. Our days are determined and numbered rightly and when we try to shorten or lengthen the seasons he has placed us in we do not trust him. We get ourselves into trouble when we take our seasons in life into our own hands. Relationships fail, jobs end, friendships break because we cannot be submitted under God's plan and his perfect security. Uh oh, Submit. Ya, I wrote that. Submission is a nasty word to so many people, but in the context of God, his plan, his will, his way and his hands... submission means obedience. Be obedient in the season God has you in and he will always make the seasons change right on time. 

I've never seen an oak tree uproot, move south and then come back after winter. IT STAYS ROOTED AND PLANTED even and especially during the winter months, only to blossom in its proper time. It doesn't run for cover or escape the harsh reality. It endures, submitted under the creator's authority for such a time. The tree isn't naive or immature by staying planted during the winter. We don't make fun of, criticize or mock the tree for staying put during the cold months. We certainly are glad they are there when spring and summer hit and they provide the shade we desperately want/need. Be rooted and planted for the time he wants you to be so that when the next season comes you are ready to produce new life, fruit and shade for others. 

When Ava said, "new seasoning" it got me thinking. New seasons are full of new flavors. I love grilled veggies, snow cones and homemade ice-cream in the summer. I can't wait for pumpkin bread and spiced cider in the fall. Winter screams hot coffee, potato soup and beans/cornbread. Spring means salads and deviled eggs... right? I know our tastes our different, but that is what makes each of our seasons so special. We are able to season them and enjoy each new place in life by seasoning them with ourselves. Not all people make potato soup the same way. AND IT IS OK! We all do not drink the same apple cider, like the same coffee drinks or even want to look a a pumpkin haha! I could do pumpkin crafts and pumpkin flavored things all day during the fall and some people can't even think of pumpkins without falling apart. :) God has created us so perfectly in his image, but with characteristics and special quirks that make us so awesome. Each of our seasons are different for so many reasons, but they are all UNIQUE AND SPECIAL for many reasons. We can make a difficult season a sweet one. I think back to our time in Ft. Worth and it was a bitter season for sure, yet, there were parts of that season that are and will forever be SWEET. Relationships we gained, friends we grew to love, opportunities given us, adventures gone on...it was hard, but we still had good times within it. The season of grief was deeply painful and sometimes lonely, but we found ways to season it and savor it. Trips to Ft. Worth, heart parties and Ronald McDonald House volunteering, coke tab collecting and lots of resting. The season we are in now, coming out of a very "easy going" time the last 9 months or so has now turned into a growing season. This time is stretching us and causing some pain, but it is still good because we are aware of things we weren't before, freed up from some bondage that we did not know we were in, we're breathing fresher air simply because the direction of the winds has changed and even when it is  a bitter wind, cold and piercing, it is different and it creates changes. Be mindful of God's provision and steadfast ways in the middle of your seasons. 

Bloom where you are planted. 

My times are in Your hand 

Psalm 31:15a 

Our seasons, our times, our waiting periods, dark times, valleys and mountains are all in his hand. The timing in which each of these things occur has been known and decided by our Father since time began. The desert season is necessary so that the time of thriving and lush living may be appreciated and savored. (grief vs rejoicing) The busy season is necessary so that the slower time is soaked up. (school vs summer) Don't rush God. Don't linger when God has asked you to move. Don't move when God has asked you to stay put. Be thankful for the things God is doing in your life, when he is doing them, for the reasons He is doing them. 

 

Happy Seasonings!! 
Shaina 

Some Days...

There are days in this life that just hurt. Some days are just hard and there is no more pretending that you are ok, faking that you aren't affected negatively by the things going on around you and you break. You finally let down the guard and let yourself feel the emotions that come with being human, sharing time/space/life events/etc and then experiencing lots of change. Some days highlight loss. When I experienced Noah's death, the first thing I did was "be ok"... truthfully. I was "fine". Things were going to be "ok" and I didn't need to deal with it, I already had, so I thought. I got busy with all sorts of things and made sure I wasn't a big emotional wreck in front of people. It lasted awhile and then I finally got tired. I was tired of pretending that I was ok. I was tired of telling myself I had to be strong. I finally began to honestly approach my emotions, feelings and grief.
I've found myself in a similar situation as of late and I realize I can do 1 of 2 things. I can do it myself or I can surrender it.

Both of those choices are not easy. There isn't a way to bail. Running isn't an option. I don't get the luxury of quitting. The options are  do it myself (and fail I'm sure) or surrender it.

Surrender means that I don't get control, I don't get a say and I sure as heck don't get a heads up for any other things coming my way. I don't get a memo that tells me all the things that will happen and how to handle them. I don't get to follow a crowd into a fun and easy season. I get to stay where I'm at, trust, seek and remain steadfast to the call which God has on me.

Grief teaches lessons that carry over into other seasons of life. If I could encourage you to do anything through your grieving time... learn. Be taught. Take notes. Experience and then draw from it later.

This too shall pass. Life moves on. Time lends perspective and room for God to work. I will trust God's character even if I do not understand his ways.
There is no room for arguing with God here, wondering why, or searching for an answer. The answer is surrender. The answer is always grace and the utmost answer is Yes to God and No to myself, humanity and the ever changing behavior of people around us.
Be faithful to Christ. Be gracious to the people who need it most. Trust Him.

Oh February...

There is nothing I could say now that I have not already said. There is a sad feeling in my heart that I have nothing new to share, nothing profound or wise to give those who decide to read this. I know

that I could try really hard to come up with something or I can just be honest and say that maybe this is the end of this particular outlet. What is it that God wants me to do with the on-going journey he has me on after child loss? Maybe I am to continue sharing insight and lessons, maybe I am to just be quiet for awhile?

There are many small lessons, scriptures that stick out to me, instances that need to be shared and I want to share those. I also don't want to be flippant or a babbler. I don't want to waste my time or others.

 The few days leading up to the 2nd "anniversary" of Noah's death have been full, good, rich and blessed. They have had some tears, they have had lots of laughs. There has been rich fellowship, the Word preached boldly, I've been challenged in my faith and refreshed to look ahead and not feel bogged down. I had some deeply rich time with my best friend last week, it was life giving and so wonderful! Last night was full of an awesome word by a local pastor, worship with our worship team together, without having to lead... just a time of focus and soaking in the Spirit. It was nice. This weekend brings lots of emotions, yes. It is hard for me not to replay things in my mind. I push play in my mind and then I get to the place where he takes his last breath in my arms and I push pause. Thinking maybe I won't have to experience that again if I don't let my mind go there, but then it plays anyway and I feel my breath stop. My heart begins to beat irregular for a minute and I let the response come. Sometimes it is stuff-your-face-into-the-pillow crying... sometimes there is a tear or two that falls and then I have to pull it together and keep working or cooking dinner or whatever the task may be at the time. There are times when I need a few extra minutes in the shower or I have to excuse myself to the restroom at a gathering or event. If I'm quiet (which is rare, I know, ha. ha.) then I probably have Noah on my mind. He quiets me and at the same time he pushes me to not stay silent about the truth and the ways God has continued to show himself to me.

Grief is a dance. It is letting God lead, following along, stepping on his toes because I don't know how the dance goes, but I know the one I'm dancing with. We lock eyes and there is peace and joy, I look away or begin to realize the unknown steps make me a mess... I begin to back away. He pulls me back in. It is the constant ebb and flow kind of experience. I think that is how lots of things in life can be. Trusting him through a season, like grief or financial hardship, job troubles, kid problems, marital issues.... We must keep dancing, keep trusting him and mainly keep following him. We tend to want to take the lead and we all know that none of us know this life-dance thing enough to do that. We screw it up every time.

Not knowing what to do next in the journey of grief is a neat place to be. There is a freedom and an adventure about it that is exciting. We will see how God wants to continue to use our testimony for his fame. We will always be available to share, to love on and to bring hope.
The future is a neat thing. The clean canvas, open doors, unknown and  adventure are scary but they are invigorating.
Bless those of you who are so faithful to love us, support us, pray for us even now and who have walked this road with us. You're ever at the forefront of our hearts and minds. We are thankful and we bless you and ask God to bless you beyond your wildest imaginations. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

We stopped in Decatur on the way home the day after Noah died. It was odd to stop there, but we did

and we decided we weren't in a rush. We ate in the Subway.. at a table, on a Saturday... and took a deep breath. Nick and I looked at each other before we started eating our sandwiches and just asked each other and the Lord... "did that just happen????" Did all of that really happen? Somedays we still feel the same way. Did that actually happen? Did we survive? Did we trust you through it really? Did we come out of the darkest 5 months damaged and hurt but alive? We had. Now, 2 years later, we settle in for the evening and sometimes ask the same thing. What just happened? Did we just live the last 2 years and become better versions of ourselves, sell an old house and buy a new one, watch our daughter grow into a precious and silly pre-schooler, dive deeper into ministry and focused life, did we just come out of dark grief and pain and walk into a new normal, a new joy and a new fresh space in life? We have.

Time is a funny thing. It doesn't heal. It doesn't even really change anything, itself. Time gives perspective.  Perspective gives us room to let go, be free and experience God's workings.

Happy 2 years, Noah James! I know you've had the best 2 years of all of us! :)

Blessings to you all,
S

In The Beginning

It starts in January actually. Our Noah story. Many of you have heard it, but we had a pregnancy "scare" in January of 2012, being that we had a "NO" test result. Well, come to find out in May of 2012, it wasn't a NO, it was a YES and it was a boy and he had a CHD. (congenital heart defect).
 I remember feeling GUILTY and so burdended that I could have known I was pregnant sooner, if I had taken another test or two. I remember that January day... my friend Lauren and I were on our new year's workout routine and so we had a stroller with Ava, a long walk and a long talk. I was freaking out over having a 7 month old and barely getting by financially and wondering why in the world God would give us another (when we were preventing, blah blah blah)... this wasn't in MY PLAN. Another baby was scary, out of order and just not what we were wanting at the time. I remember texting her that night that we got the no on the test and we went about our daily lives. The turmoil in my mind and heart during the few days I thought I might be pregnant were so absolutely disobedient, looking back. I was just like the toddler who didn't get the candy they begged for. I was begging God not to be pregnant, I wasn't ready, we weren't prepared, etc... When I got the no test, I just knew God has heard my prayer, had a plan and all was well again. Wrong. Seeing as I was pregnant after all,

I realized I could have had 4 more months with my  Noah if I had trusted God from the 

BEGINNING. 

I sit here almost 2 years after he died and realize that I do not get any days with my child ever again. (thank God eternity is coming) I do not get any days back. I look at Ava and understand that I do not get a re-do, I do not get baby time back, toddler time back and I will even look at preschool with the mentality that I do not get these crazy days back.

Do I dare trust him today? What if I had taken another test or 2, put my trust in my Father in Heaven and said, "ok Lord, I trust you with this, even though it is scary" What if I had given myself room to have a slight freak out, but then stood in faith, in solid ground of his grace and said, "you've got this". I would have been aware of 20 weeks more time with my son.

Looking back and regretting is not what God is asking me or you to do with our lives. I do believe that he is asking us to LEARN. What can we learn from the adventures, hard seasons, long seasons, questioning times in our life? When we look back at the beginning of our various journeys and see our "freak outs" our "pity parties" our "what the heck are you doing God" moments... do you think we can step back and prepare ourselves to not make the same disobedient mistakes? I'm not saying we don't question the Father because we can ask him and we can be honest with him in our questioning, but I am saying that I hope we learn through it all that he KNOWS, he SEES and he is FAITHFUL!!


Trusting from the beginning isn't as hard as it sounds, because you may be in the middle of a huge season. It may seem like it is too late for you to fully trust him in a situation, but the beauty of it is that the beginning is now. When Noah died it was the beginning of the rest of my life without my son on this earth, but EVERY DAY is the beginning of that journey and every day I have to choose to trust him with that or not. Ava started preschool in August, but every week is a new week, every day is a new day to trust the Lord with her education, her growth and social development. I have to trust him at the beginning of every season, no matter what. Grace makes it possible for me to not waste the times when I am weak in the faith, struggle to see the truth and question God on every level.

Today is the beginning. This moment is the beginning. Look back and learn from the experiences God has guided you through. May you not look upon the past as a waste or useless, but as teaching material to shape you and your faith, today into something bigger and better than you thought could be. Trust Him.

He is Faithful. He is good. He is with you. He is gracious.

He. Is. God.

Trust him from the beginning. Every day.

Love and New Year's blessings,
Noah's mommy

9.24.12

9.24.12

everytime I called up to the unit to check on Noah if I was in my room or away for a little while, I would have to give them his DOB as like a "password". I said it all the time. When I would consent for a procedure or whatever, they would ask for it. I mean, if I didn't already know it because he was my child, it was forever engrained because of the 5 months of saying it.

Today is 9.24.14 and he's not here, I don't have to check on him, and I'm sad today. I am trying to allow the Lord to bring me joy and I am so thankful for all the love poured out by friends and family over us today. I am very thankful, but honestly, I'm sad. I'm just ruined by the tangible longing to celebrate him, his LIFE and its hard when he's dead. My momma heart just wants to scoop him up and tickle him all over, kiss his face until he can't stand it and have birthday party to remember for all time... I don't need a pep talk about how he is in a better place, he's rejoicing with the angels, he's having the best birthday party in heaven. I know all of that.  I rejoice in that, but right now, this morning, right around the time he was born, I just want him. I want him, his smell, his smile, his cheeks, his warmth.


A very special friend of mine wrote me the other day and in the message was the following:
"But I truly believe your ultimate momma accomplishment was being the comforter and caretaker of a little life that needed you. You did it with grace. You did it with passion and energy and smarts. It is completed. Your reward will come, but take comfort in knowing there is a portion of your motherhood experience that you rocked! The journey is over for mothering Noah, and even thought that brings tears and pain, it also brings a sense of peace.Rest in the fact that the Lord sustained you as you loved Noah. He sustained you to feel that deeply and equipped you to walk that road.  Although the mothering is finished, the mother is not. You will never stop being Noah's mommy and he will never stop being your son. The physical act of comforting is no longer needed, but the mark that left on you is there. It will always be there. You will always feel so deeply about your son. The part of you that is Noah's mommy does not go away because he passed away. Some days you might need to curl up as Noah's mommy and just let the feelings flood you. Let the pain sting and the aches overcome you. Always always be weary under the protection of the lord, but be weary none the less. You can't go through a journey like Noah's and someday wake up completely "over it." You are ruined, sweet momma. You will forever be Noah's mommy and that will forever bring a flood of emotion, good and bad. I know you consider it an honor. But be reminded that the pain of Noah's death also means the joy of his life. It means we got to meet him. We got to smile with him. We got to touch him. It wasn't long enough, but it was. I am so thankful for his little life and I will never forget him! Love you!"


Wrecked. To have someone in my life that would pour that kind of encouragement into me. They nailed it on the head. That paragraph is how I want to remember Noah's 2nd birthday. Each time we come to his birthday or his day of death, I know God will have me at a new place, learning a new thing and reflecting in a different way. 

Noah being born, means he lived. He was mine for a short time, I will celebrate that. He helped move people closer to the Father, I will celebrate that. He made me better and still does, I will celebrate that. While it thunderstorms I will consider it the overflow of the heavenly party. As cheesy as it sounds and however much my flesh wants to fight it and wallow in my own pity party... I will thank the Lord. 

I want to thank each of you who have been so sweet to text, Facebook message or post to us. Your love and thoughtfulness makes us so thankful and happy. We cannot imagine doing life without y'all and your support.

Thanks and love!
Noah's mommy

Our Miracle Didn't Come...

Noah would have been 2 this month. He died though. See, when you look at it from a pretty narrow point of view, his miracle didn't come. Our prayers didn't work. He died. His miracle for a healed heart did not happen.
I hate to say that there are days when I struggle with this to the point of tears. I was scrolling through some heart images today trying to prepare for going to Ft Worth by getting cards made for the goody bags. I came across a logo that said, "Noah's Mighty Heart". It was very well designed and so I clicked it of course. It was obviously a website/blog to update people on a baby named Noah, who has HLHS. I read a little bit. I emailed the mom and just told her that we had a Noah who had HLHS and that my prayers were with them in their journey. I then saw the most recent post, that I hadn't read. It was called Miraculous Healing. I read and weeped. You can probably assume from the title what happened for them. They went to a prayer service at their church, were prayed over and then the next dr appt they had, the sonogram went normal until the Dr looked and said, "the left ventricle looks really good. are you sure you have the HLHS diagnosis?" This dr was not their normal dr, so he wasn't sure if there was a mistake or something.

I couldn't handle it anymore. I closed the browser and just sat there. Tears streaming down my face, I tried to hold them back, but I was jealous, I immediately wondered what we did wrong to not get that miracle. We knew going into every sonogram that we could look on that screen and see a healed heart. We never did. We never did see Noah have a healed heart. Until the day he died.

I suppose I have every right to be upset and jealous. I can whine and throw my tantrum I suppose. I just feel so convicted that even though we didn't get that 1 miracle. I can tell you that in my Noah's life, he experienced more than 1. You can read through the previous posts about what all God did in Noah's short life. He could have died during his first surgery, he could have died during the cardiac arrest he went through, he could have died during pacemaker surgery, he could have died during the Glen surgery, he finally did die, but God gave us time with him on multiple occasions where it seemed bleak. I cannot deny the fact that Noah got miracles. Just, not the one we wanted...

I want to curl up in bed and weep for awhile. I miss my boy. He died. He didn't get a healed heart, I didn't get to hold him the day he was born, blah blah, same old story. I know.

I have been convicted recently of giving God my leftovers by having quiet time at night. So, this morning I got up a bit early and had some time in the word and journal. I came to a scripture I have loved. I found it and loved it during the time I was weeping daily, for my son, in the hospital and after he died. It was a nice piece to my morning quiet time, but I didn't realize God was giving me the strength, before the heart break was coming this morning.

You have kept count of my tossings;[a]
    put my tears in your bottle.
    Are they not in your book?
Psalm 56:8

See, God had my heart in his hands and prepared me for the hard time this morning reading that good news of someone I don't even know.... He puts each of my tears in his bottle. There are times when the pain still stings so much I just don't want to function. Yet, he sees me, he knows me and if I will continue to trust that, He will see me through every hard moment. Why did we not get our miracle healing in the womb? Why did we not see his goodness before 5 months of struggle, fight and heartbreak? Why do I not get to see my son grow and develop.... I am trusting that it was not a lack of faith that didn't get Noah his miracle healing, because God himself hand picked my Noah to live the life he did, the way he did, for a mightier purpose than I will ever know. 

I'm not sure where you're struggling today, but maybe you need to hear that he holds every tear, he has counted them and he knows. He loves you. He has this. 

you can read more about this here...HIS BOTTLE OF TEARS
love and tears,
Noah's mommy