A Mason Jar of Kindness

One of the ladies in our church brought me a little bouquet of flowers in a mason jar today.

It made my day.


My oldest daughter and I had to have a hard conversation today. At one point she asked, "why can't people just say I'm sorry"...


.... "I don't know, dear."....


Thinking to myself, "why can't you just love them anyway, Shaina, even when you don't hear the sorry."

Why is it, that we cannot be kind? Why is it, that we cannot extend grace? Why is it, that we cannot give the benefit of the doubt? Why is it, we are the harshest critics of others? (being the harshest critic of yourself is a whole other blog post in itself) Why do we hate people so much because of miscommunications? I have been the one to assume, be too quick to judge and then cause a relationship to dissolve because of my actions. I've been that person. I have also been the person who has received messages and texts unloading all of the wrong I've done (correct or not isn't the point, to them it was true).

I've been on both sides. Neither are fun. I will say it is easier to be the one assuming, not forgiving, welling up frustration, judgement and hatred in my heart. It was easier to be that, than to start praying for the other person. It was easier and more satisfying to hold on to the past, the hurt and the anger than to start letting go, extending grace and moving on. Forgiveness is hard.

Grace. Is. Hard.

but, grace is not a suggestion. When it comes to our hurts, our friendships turned sour, our family feuds and church hurts...

We have got to get a grip on what the Word says.

and oh ya... we have to obey it. *ouch

Ephesians 4:29-32 "Do not let any unwholesome talk out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it my benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate, forgiving one another, just as Christ God forgave you."

Well.
As Ava and I continued to talk, I had to admit the sin I had lived in for a long time..the unforgiveness and bitterness I have had towards a few people who have hurt me deeply. Letting go of hurt is hard. I genuinely struggle with it, often, but God is teaching me, in his grace, that I can overcome the enemy's desire for me to live in bondage to unforgiveness.

Being hurt, well, it hurts. I have been hurt and I have been the one to hurt. I hate to say that I have been the one to hurt. I know that in most instances I had no idea I was hurting someone. There is one instance that sticks out to me and honestly, I was so hurt by them and confused that I let myself say things I shouldn't have and then that made the situation worse and almost irreparable.

Words. They hurt. They cut. They stab. Words are harsh weapons of mass destruction. They are also sweet as honey and a balm to our weary spirits. Words bring life and they destroy life. Words build up relationships and tear them down.

Words are so important. Actions are too.
It is really sad when a  young lady, just begging to be loved and to fit in somewhere cannot find that love inside the church. Girls are mean. When we will learn, women, that we are to love. We are to build up. We are to encourage. We are to breathe life into each other. For God's sake, let's raise our girls to be that. Be kind. Be caring. Be compassionate. Be full of grace.

It has to start with us. It has to begin with us forgiving, even if we don't want to. It begins with us not judging the other for sending our kids to public school or not letting our student have a cellphone at 12... organic or Great Value... I'm just so weary of women choosing the life they lead and then complaining about it all over the interwebs. CHOOSE to homeschool or work full time or have your kid in 3 different activities or CHOOSE NOT TO... but when it comes down to it, quit whining.

Quit thinking everyone is out to show you up. Quit thinking that no one cares. Let us all run our OWN race and encourage those around us in theirs.
While we're at it... let's quit blaming the church for all our hurt and bitterness ok? Let's go ahead and own it. I own my bitterness and hurt from situations that happened years ago and now I need to lay them down, sometimes again and again. Yes, people hurt us. Yes, life is hard. Yes, homeschooling is grueling and yes, you're doing a good job. Yes, working full time has it's struggle and yes it is also not going to ruin your kids.

I just want my daughters to be kind, to love people, to show forgiveness, and unless I get in tune with it myself, I am a hypocrite and a liar. I cannot teach my children what I do not live. I refuse to continue to live my life in a pit of self hate, of judgement or of bitterness from past hurts. I can't truly live there. I cannot thrive there.

I want to learn to say I'm sorry. So, I will try. I will honestly try to say I'm sorry. Even if it doesn't make sense to. I will learn to say I'm sorry even when no one else will. I will learn to lay down my bitterness and hurt from past experiences and look ahead, eyes on Jesus, and step out on the waters of grace.

Ladies, step up. Lean in to the Father. Press into His presence. Put the pinterest app away and just be who you are. Quit comparing your life to everyone else's.

1 Corinthians 10:5b "and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."

Reign it in ladies. Reign in the hurt, the hang ups, the bitterness, the constant comparing. Quit it.You don't have to live in that self made prison. Be You. Be the mother God has called you to be, not the mother you think the room mom thinks you should be or the trendy lifestyle blogger thinks you should be... Be the wife God has called you to be, not the one Cosmopolitan says you should be. Quit trying so hard to be someone your not. Choose the life that God is calling your family to and then be thankful for it and relish in it, even in the struggle. Take captive the thoughts of comparing, envy, jealousy, strife... take them captive in the name of Jesus. The enemy laughs at us women as we whine and complain and go on and on and on and forever freakin long about our weight, our hair, our tiredness and our "not enoughness"

Maybe we could dazzle the world with our undying and unrelenting faith instead of dulling the world with typical unending complaining.

Y'all, we all have bad days, tough situations and hard loads. We all have unending laundry piles, meals to cook, kids to wash and mouths to feed. I say that...

-there are some women who are praying for what you are whining about today.
  Do you get that?

- the messy, dirty, curiously talkative boys you are raising... someone wishes they could raise one.
-the mess upon mess of Barbies that are never picked up... someone prays daily for the opportunity to play Barbies with their girl
- that husband you're whining about... there are women who have prayed every day of their life for the man God wants for them and then they hop on facebook and see your undending rant about how annoying the shoes left in the floor are... (ladies, you know if you are in a dangerous situation, get out, I'm not telling you carry that burden, ever)

What I am saying is, BE CAREFUL what you whine about, complain about, VENT about... share...
Let us embrace the thorns in our lives as reminders of His sufficiency, his goodness and his grace. Let us make smart judgement calls online and for heaven's sake, IN REAL LIFE. May we speak with love, honesty, and grace.

I am working on this. I'm asking God to do this in the generations of women occupying this planet. May we be GRATEFUL. May we be GRACIOUS. May we be LOVING. May we FORGIVE. May we ENCOURAGE. May we LOVE. May we FIGHT FOR one another.
No march can do what active Jesus loving, praying women of God can do when they simply live the life they are called to live.
Let God do the hard work in the quiet places, the private places, the deep places.... LET HIM DO THE WORK IN US. and let us see our children  rise to call us blessed. Let us laugh at what's to come, without fear of the future. Let us then be confident in who God has made us to be, not wearily waste away trying so hard to be someone we're not.

This I pray Lord, that we would press into you, be humble and love each other where we are at. May we meet each other with the love of Christ. May we raise our girls to be the same. Help us in this Lord. Do what only you can do in your daughters, Lord. Bring freedom, hope, healing and revival.
In Jesus Name.

Give a mason jar of kindness today...whatever that looks like...
Love you all,
Shaina

#Discipline18

If you have kept up with me since the days of this blog being for updates on our son, Noah, then you've walked quite a few years with me. These last 5 years have been the most challenging and growing times of my life, obviously, I suppose. I have walked some mighty tough roads and have fallen quite a number of times trying to figure out what life looks like in the aftermath.
We are far from aftermath season though... we have arrived at... normal life. With Ana here and already 2, Noah will be gone 5 years next month and Ava is on the tail end of 6, life isn't just about surviving anymore. I'm not struggling like I was. I'm not self medicating with things like busy-ness, food(as much, that will probably always be a struggle), or endless tries at hobbies and projects. I'm settling into a season of life that is routine, even normal. I am enjoying the mundane things more than I ever have. There is a contentment that comes with release of a long season. The FOMO...fear of missing out...I think that seems to dissipate over time. It has for me. I used to stay so busy because any time I would have open space or clear time I would fall into a pit of grief and heartache. I can now have "free" time that does not send me into a time of deep remembering or pain.
 I've struggled with certain disciplines in my life and they will always come back around to me. The beginning of the year tends to be a time when we all decide to re-set and refocus on these things. Our pastor said this weekend that we tend to try to re-solve, like an equation or math problem, we are trying to solve things, for the hundredth time, to no avail. At some point something has to change. The issue I've had in the past is thinking I have to change/discipline myself in everything at once. In years past I would have a list of things I needed/wanted to change and then try to tackle it all at once, burning out in a couple weeks and "resolving" to my old habits/ways. Over the course of time I've realized that I can change a habit or a discipline one at a time over the course of time. I can't decide to get up early, work out 3x a week, drink more water, take vitamins, read more, facebook less, and be a more patient mom all in one week. It just won't happen. I am learning that the daily decisions we make and the daily practices we commit to are what make our lives over time. We sold our house and downsized this last year, but that one big decision doesn't' necessarily make or break our big goals, our daily spending will. If we commit to save and spend less, that is what ultimately will make the big difference. I can do a 30 day wellness routine, Whole 30, but if I just let it all go after that, then that one big choice didn't really mean anything. It is when I daily make the decisions about health and wellness, for long periods of time that change comes. So much easier said than done.

Discipline  is a word that I have struggled with and a virtue I have prayed for for so many years, but I think God is finally getting my attention to the fact that, discipline only comes when I choose it, day in and day out, mundane or not, bored or not, frustrated or not, results or not...keep at it. We all know that none of us will make this happen perfectly. In fact, I am positive that that is one of the reasons we all give up so easily is because we mess up and think "what's the point".. when in reality, we should have said, "can't let this stop me, must keep going".... when it says in
Romans 12:2
Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will.
It means that Christ transforms our minds...our entire way of thinking must pattern  his, not the world's. We then know and walk in God's will for us. That will isn't always pleasant or easy, but it is the best. It is His will, not our own. 

The idea of self care has been a big hit in recent days. I know that as a mom, as a wife, as just a person...self care is important and sometimes we put ourselves on the back burner. What Christ has been teaching me about self care though, lately, is that is isn't so much about facials, pedicures and alone time as much as it is about hard disciplines that are best for me anyway. I don't particularly like getting up early, but it is a practice in self care that is important to me now because it gives me time in the Word and prayer before the house gets up. I don't like eating healthy and I fail at it in many ways, but it is a practice in self care that is making me better. I still enjoy a time away, a glass of wine or a hot bath without interruption but true self care is doing things, even the hard things, that sharpen us, refine us and make us more like Jesus, not the world. We just don't like hard things. We want things to be easy and simple. Yet, when you look back, every single hard season was truly worth it. It is hard to say that or admit that that break up was ok in the long run or that job change was the best thing...it's hard to see my son's death as something that could ever be ok or even used for good. 

BUT GOD, He does a redeeming work. When we are surrendered to him and his ways, He makes the way when we don't see it. He uses the dark times for his light. He brings beauty out of ashes. He brings life from death. 

So, my word is discipline for 2018. I'm certain that he will continue to teach me much more about this as the year unfolds. What I do know, is that it is a choice. I encourage you to let God do the hard work in you! Let him transform your mind, through his word and through his spirit! 

Love you all. 
S

The Middle Place

You know that week between Christmas and New Years? The weird week of leftovers, holiday hangover and confusion…you may be putting up Christmas décor and you may still have it up and will leave it until Valentine’s Day. If you are one of those people, don’t tell me. I don’t want to know. I am one of the people who have their decorations up the day or so after Christmas. Bye tree, trinkets, clutter and fluff. The stuff gets put up and the house feels clear and cleaned up. A fresh start. As much as I adore the holiday and the decorations, activities, events, family time, crafts, baking, cooking, eating, presents, memory making etc…. the time comes that it is over and I’m generally ready for the conclusion. 

So we find ourselves in this middle place. We’re in this week of packing and cleaning, eating leftover ham sandwiches and pie… you can feel the holiday bloat, you’re sluggish, not sure of the day and school break still has a week left of it. The kids are already bored with the new toys and you’ve taken 145 loads of trash to the dumpster. Your mind feels a bit overloaded and the thought of a new year, a possible resolution, goals, refocus, reflection, etc seems like a lost cause. OR, maybe it is life. For me, the fact that a new start, fresh year, holiday is over, etc is LIFE GIVING! :) 

I am quite the nerd when it comes to the new
year. I love a new calendar, planner, set of pens, thinking about possibility, goals, new routines, rhythms, and ideas… the whole thing just gets me excited. The cleared out space of home, new start, clean slate….I just love it. I wonder then, why I struggle so much with grace. 

See, the clean slate, fresh start, new day is available every day, not just at the new year. The ability to start fresh and have another chance is something we’ve been given through Christ.I forget that in May I have just as much of a fresh start available as I do December 31 or Jan 1. #gracenotperfection

I want to tell you that even though I enjoy the new year, I know that there are many of you who do not. I remember a time when I really hated the new year. As I sat in a hospital with my sick child, the thought of the new year did not bring happiness. We weren’t looking at a clean home or new goals… I was looking at deciding on life or death decisions for our son. We were looking at 2 risky surgeries, lots of scary nights and finally his death. New Year’s wasn’t a chipper time you’d say. The new year can mark another year without your loved one, a year since a divorce or a job loss. The new year can remind us of past hurts, current hang ups, the unknown future. New year’s can be a frustrating time. I know that not everyone appreciates it like I do. 

I want to encourage you, though, wherever you are, to find the good even in the dark. Perhaps you’re in a truly dark season, but I encourage you to seek out the blessing. I know it seems like there are not any blessings in it, but I know you can find them. 

Some things I have found to encourage me during this time of year, moving into the next:

-reflect upon the year. Even if you think and know it was the worst year ever, do it. Reflect, take some time to think about the year, all the ugly parts, the good parts, the fun trips, changes you’ve made, changes you were forced to make, the struggle, the fight, the fun… take it all in and reflect. Let all the emotions happen and be thankful. Yes, every part of our story is being used for a purpose. We can be thankful for that. It is refining us. Let the reflection and thoughtfulness help shape you and prepare you for the year ahead. 

-look ahead and make some decisions on things you can improve. I’m not saying you need a bunch of New Years resolutions, goals or big aspirations, but even if it is just drinking more water or setting a set bedtime or just reading more, I suggest finding some ways you can grow and get excited about them. We can all stand to grow and try new things. Last year I set a goal of reading a book a month for 2017. I ended up at 14 books for the year, so I was actually a head of my goal! Who knew I could do that. Ha

- if you are married, have a yearly meeting. We sat and had our year end meeting last night and it was great to just talk about the year, all that we had accomplished and ways we dropped the ball and then look ahead to next year and plan our financial goals, health goals and ways we can parent better, love each other better and just enjoy life more. It was life giving to have that time together. We didn’t plan some big thing, we got the girls to bed and then sat down in the living room with the iPad and talked things out. We had both thought about it earlier and brought the items to the meeting. It lasted an hour or so and we both were glad we took the time to go through it all. We switched roles in the last year. He has taken on the huge role of financial officer for our home and I continue to uphold the duties of the CEO you might say. When both of the roles work together, the business functions better. Thankful. If you need help with this, holler. I would love to give you encouragement and tips. 

-don’t set huge goals that you know you can’t attain. Start small and work from there. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Extend grace and keep remembering that life happens a day at a time. 

“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace. What do workers gain from their toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him.”

Ecclesiastes 3:1-14 NIV

Every season of our life is ordained and supposed to happen. Not every season is pleasant and that is ok. Not every new year will seem new or happy or fresh. That’s ok. The Years may bleed together in places and it feels like you will never get a fresh start, that’s ok. Allow Him to guide you through, that Red Sea Road and navigate you to the other side. Trust. Keep your focus on the Savior and do not get distracted. Let the hard seasons to the refining work in you. It’s worth it. 

Things I am planning for the new year, just because, this feels like super accountability as well:

-January Whole30

-read a book a month again this year

-continue the new morning routine I’ve begun in the last few weeks of this year

-going through the book A Simplified Life by Emily Ley and putting into effect and practice the tactical tools in it.

-slowing down with my girls 

-finding rhythm in our day to day life that allows us to flourish(this sounds cheesy, but balance isn’t a thing and this is something that is attainable)

-learning to listen 

I hope and pray that you all have an incredible new year! The clean slate, the fresh start…here we are. Soak it in and be encouraged that the year ahead is full of possibility, success, and victory. Know that there is also going to be struggle, frustration and possible heart ache. God has this and he always has. He will sustain us and guide us! 

Here for you! If I can encourage you or help you in any way, let me know!

Shaina 

Freedom

Hello all 5 of you who read these. That is probably my best friend, my mom and dad, sister and CT. :) haha!

This next few days I want to give myself and maybe you, a challenge. I want to be more fully present in the season, the days we are setting aside to celebrate Christ, togetherness, family, etc.
So my proposal is that after I post this today I am going to refrain from Facebook for the next week.
I will be on Instagram here and there (of course haha) but I think I'm going to ditch the mindless scrolling and have some fun, get some rest, read some books, bake some things, play games, do a puzzle, take pictures without posting all of them, look at Christmas lights, set some goals and visions for 2018, snuggle my kids more, watch movies, take a walk, listen to music, write some thank you notes, and LIVE!

I've walked through the last few years of holidays in a sort of fog... I've felt that release this year and I want to fully embrace and enjoy this season.

Life is too short to:
-not forgive
-hold grudges
-be upset by the smallest things
-debate
-argue
-live with a spirit of competition
-feel the need to justify everything we say or do
-judge so harshly
-put expectations on people that you know they can't meet and then get mad at them when they don't meet them.
-scroll through hundreds of advertisements and spam


Grief is hard and many years feel lonely and that you have to put on a show or fake it til you make it...sometimes you can't even fake it anymore. There are moments when it's all just too much. The years it takes to truly find fresh healing and peace are long. It takes intentional desire to come to a healthy place after loss. We ALL CHOOSE. We choose to keep seeking truth, Christ's healing, His love, His peace, His plan for us. We choose to be bitter, not forgive, hold grudges and judge people for things they didn't even know they did. We can be harsh and rude and ugly in our grief. I don't think we ever mean to hurt people that love us, but we can become so overwhelmed by the idolatry that grief can become that we forget we have a choice to make. We either choose grace or we choose bitterness.
This all has taken years for me to grasp and to understand. It is MY interpretation and MY testimony. I always say exactly what I mean and I say things bluntly here because it is my personal space to do so. Grief gets ugly. Grief can become an idol in our life. Grief causes or can cause us to make bitter decisions, ugly ways of responding, we react harshly, we judge harshly, we become critics and no one and nothing can please us. Only by letting God to a hard work in us, will we see true freedom, true peace and healing.
It completely sucks that my son will not be alive to enjoy the holidays with us. We don't get him here with us. For the life of my I do not believe that he would want me to hold grudges, live in un-forgiveness,  be bitter, be judgemental, act hateful or rude to anyone or even just internalize all of that. I truly believe that the one I so dearly miss would want me to live a life of freedom, a life of grace, a life of forgiveness, a life of trust. A life of worship. Trust is our greatest form of worship. Will you trust Christ enough to cut out the hateful comments, rude reactions, harsh judgements, cynical and snide remarks, hinting around at everyone of how rude people are to you, how people just don't understand, etc... at what point would the people who have passed, the ones we grieve the loss of, finally tell us ENOUGH. not in my name or for my memory will you act like this. Grieving is hard, It is so very very hard. It is also not an excuse to imprison yourself and everyone around you in a cycle of unending bitterness. Have FREEDOM. Have fresh life and fresh perspective come in as you let him in.

I say all of this out of my experience. Quit letting grief, no matter how long you've lived with it, be a prison. I don't only grieve the loss of a child. I grieve all the friendships that didn't remain because they bailed, but I do not sit here and live in bitterness against them. I let it go and let  God do work in me. I grieve the goals I never attained and now it is too late, but I don't sit here and get jealous of those who have attained big goals because they do the work to get there. I am setting new goals and doing new things in my life to reach them. At some point I quit blaming past friends, past experiences, former seasons, harsh realities, and the people around me for all the stuff I was walking through and decided that maybe God was trying to get my attention and DO WORK in ME. It's ok to need to go through a season of refining and shaping and molding. We must go through it. We must learn through it. Friend, let God do the work in you, by doing the work he's asking you to do. I think that is called, "taking up our cross"... the beauty of this hard work is that you cannot fail, you have the grace unending and the arms stronger that steel that will support you and keep you as you walk this walk of faith.Your Red Sea Road as Ellie Holcomb would call it. Listen here.

Please holler at me if you are struggling with any of this. It is a constant thing that I see God doing in me. I'm learning to not blame everyone around me and just seeing things as opportunities to grow and learn and deepen my faith.
Again, this is all in my perspective and life, not yours. Everyone is different and experiences things differently, but I do hope you find encouragement somewhere in this, to quit asking why or finding someone to blame, but just accept the season and let God use it. Let God use even the people you so struggle with to help heal your heart.

much love, Merry Chirstmas!
Shaina

Attitooodles!

So my little turned 2 on Friday and we celebrated with the stomach bug. Ya, it was a great time for us all. I'm not sure why things like this happen at such opportune times, but certainly it does. Honestly, we did have a sweet little birthday party for Ana, but I was not feeling well and felt that I missed out on being all I could be for her. None the less, she had a fun and sweet party with the close family and friends that love us so well. We had a fun Mickey Mouse party with hotdogs, gooey fish, and cake and ice cream. Ana was super excited all week for her party and was so excited to get some toys that are her own, not hand me downs from big sister.

So, the whole stomach bug thing hit us hard and apparently we shared it with some in our life as well. Sorry. We didn't even know it was happening to us until we were knee deep in it. Ew! Thankfully we are all clear of it and the house is cleaned, clothes and blankets are laundered and we are all back to normal capacity this week. I realize, when we are in the middle of illness and the craziness that comes with it I tend to throw all of my beliefs and convictions out the window. Ha!
Do you get what I'm saying?  But, for real.
Puke, poop, missing school, calling into work, etc get me in a funk. I can't seem to get a grip on the whiny attitude and entitled mood I get when my kids are sick, husband is sick, life goes in the toilet and we are all just sick and annoyed. Am I alone in this? We all get moody, the kids get stir crazy, work piles up, chores pile up, we miss out on events and things (not the worst thing in the world)... all this to say... I tend to become quite the hot mess and most annoying person to be around. Just ask Nick. ha ha. For some reason I tend to just dramatically overthink, overreact, over dramatize, and become so negative. No one enjoys being sick or having sick kids, but I guarantee that my negative attitude and the constant whining I tend to share with my family, certainly does not help. The more I internalize my situation, dwell on it and get frustrated with it, the worse it tends to get. I am a creature of habit and I like our routine and our day to day life. When something like a stomach bug gets in the way of that I, most of the time, see it as negative, terrible and a pain to deal with. Rarely do I look at it as a blessing to get a day at home with my girls, thankful we aren't chronically ill (because we would have with our sweet Noah), it could always be worse, we have all the things we need to get through the illness and move on.

But, isn't this the case? When things are well, life is going on nicely and routines are in place we are "thankful" "happy" "grateful" "focused"... we don't struggle as much, am I right? I have walked through some dark times and I remember thinking during those times how much I wished I had the "bad times" I had when I didn't know any different. Ignorance is bliss? When I didn't know how bad it could get, I thought I had it bad. So why, now that I know how bad it can  be, do I still get in that kind of funk and bad place at the hint of just a regular stomach bug episode? Why does that rock my world and put me in a terrible place? Now I know, everyone gets the right to be upset about it. No one wants to be sick, have sick kids, clean up said sick kids, etc. We just dont. It's not pleasant. It's not fair. But, here is what I'm trying to get at...

Our true character comes out in our worst times. yes? When the kids are sick, the husband is sick, the laundry is piling, you're washing bedding at 1:00am, missing work, having to catch up on it all later, etc....the attitude we carry in those times can really make a difference. It certainly isn't my child's fault that they woke up puking in their bed, is it? What good does it it do to get upset, at anyone really, for that? The honest truth is, it's hard not to let it out at someone, anyone in range really.
Why is it that we fly off the handle so quickly? (please tell me you do too) I suppose I could be the only one admitting to this and I'm ok with it. I really do think that we all struggle with complaining and whining more than we should. Some of us use the saying "first world problem" when referring to our troubles because we want people to know that we understand there are people with much heavier issues going on around the world. But, y'all, they really do.

I was so caught up in the inconvenience of it all this weekend that I forgot I have been the one who lived in the children's hospital for 5 months. I let that time slip away from me. I was so frustrated with the out of routine craziness that I didn't stop and remember that I have seen harder days. What I would have given then, to just have kids with the stomach bug, instead of a child I never saw and one who was holding on for dear life thanks to drugs and machines. Ya know, our lives are so precious and fragile. We often complain about the silliest things. Our feelings are valid at the time. Like I said, no one likes sick kids or to be sick themselves... but I  remember wishing my kid would live. I knew my girls would survive this bug. It was just a typical 24 hour deal, but I lived every day for 5 months with the reality that my son may not.
5 years and I've already let slip some of those precious life lessons. When we seem to be so frustrated and we act entitled and whiny, let us remember our own past experiences and others' current experiences who would argue that we don't have it as bad as we think we do.
I can currently think of plenty of people who would wish a 24 hour stomach bug over what they are walking through today.
Military families who are spending every day, plus the holidays without their loved one.
Those families who have lost a loved one serving in the military.
Families with children fighting cancer, heart defects, multiple birth defects...
Families who are struggling to find ways to pay bills and provide
Children who are orphans every day, plus the hard times of the holidays.
Children who are living in abusive homes
Women who are in abusive situations and feel trapped
Men who are constantly told they aren't enough, they aren't capable, they will never amount


My take away from this last weekend is this...

Be careful how we express frustration in our home/with our families. (especially spouses) May we be mindful of how we declare our issues on facebook and insta for all to read. There are so many things we complain about that are so absolutely frivolous. It seems insulting to those who are in the trenches of childhood cancer, newborn heart surgeries, families with no medical answers and they are holding on to hope that they'll get a few more days with their little... there are people who are desperately hurting as we complain about small small inconveniences.

I didn't even know Ava got sick again one night because Nick dealt with all of it. He wanted me to sleep because I was trying to get through the bug and he knew I needed the rest. He tended to Ava, washed bedding, worked on cleaning the mattress, got Ava tucked in on the couch and he slept in the chair while he waited so switch the loads. The girls loved on each other as they were both sick at the same time and had to stay  home from school, they found time to play together when they started perking up, they snuggled and took turns watching shows they like. They consoled each other and you know when the kids are sick, that is when they want to snuggle the most.

Everyone is well, our home is clean, our laundry done and life moves on. We are not planning another funeral, sitting bedside with a post-op baby all puffy and swollen. We are not traveling back and forth from DFW to Amarillo. We are not wondering if a new treatment plan will work. We are not homeless. We are not without.
We are a blessed family. We were blessed even when we were in those moments, but we are so incredibly thankful to be in the place we are right now in life.

I needed the attitude check today. So I'm sharing it with you because I imagine you may need it too. We all have so much to be thankful for.
If you are in the middle of a season that seems similar to one I've mentioned... hold on tight to Jesus. He sees you, he hears you, he is with you. He does not abandon you and you are not being punished by walking through a season that is so difficult. If anything, you are being refined and defined by the Father himself. He is still the author, still in control and he is working out all things for your good. He is your hope. He is your safe place. Don't give up or give in. Just give him all the things.

Let's look at "reality" and use it to put us in a thankful place. May it humble us and remind us that we are truly blessed.When we "find the heart" we'll see that, even in the hard times we are so loved and there are so many things to cherish and be thankful for!

Love you all!

Shaina 

The Big Move

The fact that I only post every few months proves that life is rapidly flying by and things are just full to the brim. I am also aware that our life isn't exactly so interesting that everyone wants to hear about it either, but I have been aware that we have made some incredibly drastic changes in our life and they have been the best thing we could have done. I finally feel like I can wrap my head around it and share, knowing that someone might benefit from it!

This year's word for me has been Wellness. You can read about that in my previous post. I will say that in my humanity I have been on board easily at times and I have completely jumped ship some as well. The learning I have accomplished in this year has been priceless though and I have also learned to give myself so much more grace. That in itself is a huge win for this "good girl"/slight perfectionist/could be borderline ocd on occasion....just sayin. Finding ways to show myself grace has been hard and so beneficial. (and I've read over 12 books this year. This is a miracle)


Some of you may have noticed that we sold our home in September. This was not necessarily a quick or rash decision, but it was something that God clearly spoke to Nick and I both about and we decided together to be obedient in it. He really pressed this upon us through some upkeep we were going to have to begin doing to the home. We decided that perhaps we were not exactly in love with the home and questioned the thought of investing so much into a home we were not wanting to remain in forever. The home has been such a blessing to us. We were able to heal and move forward from a home that we never brought Noah home to, we did bring our sweet rainbow girl, Ana, to this home and Ava did so much growing up and learning in the house. We are so thankful for the season we lived there. We just knew it was time to make a move.  Where move to, you ask?

An apartment. I know. The thought is daunting. Why in the world would we move from a nice 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom, back yard with play set, 2 car garage, etc home.... for an apartment, close neighbors, 1 less bedroom, noise, no yard...ya. This is the opposite of the American Dream.

Thank God.
Nick and I both have felt the push to retreat from the American Dream mentality and pursue God's dream for us. We have both felt this push and the call from him to quit being "normal" whatever that looks like and  just be obedient. This means that we downsized, we got rid of so much stuff, we let go of tons of junk, our kids had to shuck a lot of toys, we had to swallow some pride, grit our teeth and begin an a new adventure. We have dreams that we know God is placing in our hearts for a place to call home, someday, that will truly be that, for more than just us 4. We know we will have the space to host our life group, the worship team, our girls' friends, the church staff, our friends and family. There are things that are stirring in my heart that only God can put there and only he can accomplish them, but he's asking for my obedience, not just my wishful thinking. We have also been on a financial journey since 2015. That year we found out we were pregnant in March, Nick would need back surgery and our car at the time needed an entirely rebuilt transmission and a suspension job. We found ourselves getting a loan from our bank and the entire year of expense was covered. We were prepared to pay that loan quicker than the couple of years we had to do it in, but it felt like a prison. We knew that life happens and that sometimes expenses come up and we just didn't want to feel trapped like that again. We also did not know that we would be experiencing a job change for Nick, the next year, but THANK GOD he made that happen in our life. We are so thankful for the position and company Nick is in now and we know that is the hand of God. (you'll hear the story later I'm sure) All of that to say, we decided to really get serious about our financial goals. Part of wellness, for me, this year, has been mental wellness and part of that was getting some things in order for our future. We had done a few of the steps in Dave Ramsey's Money Makeover and had an emergency fund saved back and were snowballing debt well. We had gotten to the place of  having only our 1 loan payment (for our 2015 year of the crazy) and our mortgage. That was it. We were feeling great about that and knew that we would never have a credit card again and felt the blessing of no student loans. haha. We were at a point where we made the decision to jump ahead at a quicker pace in our financial goals. But, that meant downsizing our living for awhile.



 "There are things that are stirring in my heart that only God can put there and only he can accomplish them, but he's asking for my obedience, not just my wishful thinking..."



When I mentioned to Ava that we may be moving to an apt, she exclaimed "YES! This is going to be amazing!"... haha! As a momma I was so thankful she was excited. I made sure we would stay in an area where she wouldn't move schools (very important to me) and we started doing the research. I didn't doubt that God would take care of my girls in the move, but this was confirmation to me that he would more than take care of them, he would allow them to thrive.
So, in early September we got with our favorite realtor (Chelsie Kinsey) and in 5 days from listing, we had a contract. God was certainly showing up and showing off. We closed in a record amount of time and we were able to make enough on our home to pay off our entire loan we had, the remainder of our home loan and then have a huge jump start on saving 3 months worth of income/next home goals. In one move of faith, we jumped ahead in our goals by leaps and bounds.

We were blessed to move into a brand new apt complex. Our new place is PERFECT for us. Because we got rid of so much stuff, we fit perfectly in the apartment. The space is exactly what we need in this time. It isn't tiny, but it is just the right size for us (and our life group fits too haha!)  Our girls love (and are young enough) to share a room. The closets are spacious, for the stuff we did keep and need to store. The kitchen/dining and living are so open, yet cozy and inviting. The laundry/utility is great and the cat is fairly happy there..if a cat actually cares... I'm not sure of that. haha
 Something about the super tall ceilings make me feel so happy. I've seen God dote upon us in this move in so many ways. I'm so thankful. Our girls are loving it and honestly, so are Nick and I. I have said it so many times since we moved in, that our little bungalow of home is SO EASY TO CLEAN, it's not overwhelming. There is no yard to keep up with, no garage to de-clutter (even though it would be nice in the winter to have one haha), etc. The time we do have right now amidst the things we are involved in, is devoted to our own little family. It is so nice to have the time to relax, have fun, do fun things, and not feel overwhelmed by housework, yard work, chores, repairs, etc.

What I want to really share is this...selling your home and downsizing and revamping your whole lifestyle is not for everyone. It is not the answer for every family. What I am saying is that whatever you feel God telling you to do right now... be obedient in that and He is faithful to show you his favor and blessing in that obedience. I am telling you, THIS WAS NOT EASY. I'm actually still in the process of getting rid of some stuff as I type this. Letting go of stuff and status and what we think the world wants from us wasn't just an easy decision or process. It took prayer, trust and LOTS OF ENERGY, some tears and all the sweating. I wanted to wait and list our home in January, Nick didn't. Trust is hard and submitting to him isn't always easy, but God proved himself through that and in many other circumstances.

My wellness went to a whole new level that I didn't realize was needed, by simply downsizing the amount of stuff in my life. I am currently reading 2 books... A Simplified Life by Emily Ley and The Fringe Hours by Jessica Turner In both of these books, simplifying and creating space in our lives is the theme and goal. I have been so thankful to have a place to dig in and learn more about this need for space in my life... tangible and emotional. I have read other books like Unstuffed by Ruth Souker about de-cluttering and un-stuffing our lives of just that, stuff. She hits on a lot of good points in this. I recommend it. (all of them) There is another book called Finding Spiritual White Space by Bonnie Gray that I remember really starting this idea of wellness and space in my life. When we fill our life with so much stuff we cannot even imagine filling it with anything else, our kids, our Jesus and our most important parts of us get the boot. They just do. Never fails. As I've taken the whole year to really look at this I feel as though a year has not been enough and wellness continues into next year, but maybe in a different way. I have dabbled in wellness in just about every aspect of my life this year, but just dabbled. I haven't gone as deep into physical wellness as I had planned, spiritual wellness as I need, financial wellness is a work in progress, etc. You know? Where is it that I can journey deeper into this concept?

I have much work to do. Thankfully God walks with us, no matter the length of time it takes to really learn and grasp. He is faithful to walk in every season with us, through all the lessons and learning. Are we willing to go there though? What adventure is God calling you to? Maybe it is a health journey, a financial journey, a spiritual journey (he's calling us to that daily honestly), maybe it is a new job, new home, different city... I don't know where you are at, but I can tell you that this last year has been one of my best years because I have really pushed myself to let God show himself through hard obedience. What a blessing.

The benefits of these changes in our home are absolutely humbling and a blessing to us.
Our marriage is healthier than ever. We help each other in our goals, we have learned to communicate better and end up realizing we have so many of the same goals personally and then that overflows into our family goals. We have fun. We laugh. We have space to relax and enjoy ourselves. Our girls are realizing that life isn't about stuff, slowly, but they are. We have a clear goal financially and we are attaining it now at a more rapid pace. It is amazing to see how such lofty goals aren't lofty when they're given by the Lord and fueled by him as well. So thankful for the ability and freedom to save such large amounts of money each month to see big goals become reality in the next few years.

5 years ago I was in Fort Worth and I was dreading Christmas. We were going to be stuck in Ft Worth with a very sick little boy and life just didn't look happy or Christmas-y that year. I was alone the majority of the time and didn't know how my 2 year old would survive such a dysfunctional Christmas. But God. He showed up big that year and we were overwhelmed by intentional love from him, others and each other. We had a Christmas full of incredible memories that I will cherish forever. It snowed in Ft Worth on Christmas Day. (miracle) haha We had so much fun making our Christmas Eve snack-a-thon and Christmas Day food at the Ronald McDonald House of FT Worth and sharing with friends we met there. We were just overwhelmed by so many good things. These last few years after Noah's death have been HARD. Not only walking out grief, but just life, like parenting kids, job changes, church hurts, family misunderstandings, friends coming and going.... life has seen its share of hardship. But God. He is so kind, faithful and good to us. He is using every situation and circumstance to teach us, grow us and make us better versions of ourselves. We're so blessed and in that I don't mean with stuff or neat things are fluffy happiness.. I mean we are genuinely blessed. In the death of a child, in the loss of family members, on the other side of deep pain, in the trials of daily life... God is so faithful. He is true. He is good. He is trustworthy. He is genuine and real with us. He disciplines those he loves. Thank you, Lord, for loving us so well. :)

Wishing you and yours a very Merry Christmas! Filter this season through the lens of the Gospel. If something doesn't seem necessary or worth it, don't do it. Don't create stress out of comparison of others or the need to impress or keep up with others. Do the best thing for your family. Don't try to go to every event. Don't get your kid a bunch of crap. They want our presence anyway. Not sure why we don't get that in our heads. Don't over do it on crafts and bucket lists if that is not realistic for your family. Give your family the best version of you and if that means less stuff and more intentional time together, simple activities or just less of all the things. Do it. Own it. Enjoy it! Holler if you need moral support in this. We are in this together. :) haha!

In His love,
Shaina

And consider this your Christmas Card. Cuz that is something that I gave up years ago. Too stressful, paying for someone to throw it in the trash.... stamps, addresses... ya. Enjoy this new picture of our crazy family!

Merry Christmas and Happy 2018!

Wellness 2017

Wellness 2017

For the last 5 months, wellness has been my word. You know, every year you pick a word and then that is your theme for the year? The last few years they have built upon one another. Last year’s word was hard because I felt the Lord calling me to come alongside Nick and whatever word he was going to be using. Commit. What a year!
So, this year it is wellness. What did that even mean, what does it mean today? What will it mean by December 31?
 At first, wellness meant mental, spiritual and some health. I know, I was pushing it all far away from my mind, the fact that my health needed attention. You know, mommas especially, can have a tendency to put themselves last. This isn’t a post about allowing yourself to let things go and be ok with it, but it isn’t about being so hard on yourself that you don’t live either. What it IS about, is a need to pay attention to ourselves, so that we can be an honest version of ourselves, healthy for our families, and at home in our own skin.
So, in March I got my eyes checked. It seemed like an easy way to start taking care of myself. It wasn’t the dentist, whom I hate. That is actually next week. The day before my 32nd birthday. Haha. Figures. Anyway, so I got my eyes checked and had to get some glasses for driving/seeing distance. They are fun and it wasn’t a huge deal, but it felt nice to know more about that part of my health. (I know some of you are reading this and appalled that I didn’t get my eyes checked since the age of 5) None the less, here we are. After the last 5 years of life, going through traumatic experiences and learning to live life after loss etc I am finally to a point where being completely honest with myself was my only way forward.
All the way forward to 30 days ago. Well, more like 40 days ago. I came across some information about Whole30. I know, the most strict and restrictive eating plan known. Haha. Anyway, I am not a researcher. I don’t have the attention span. So, I asked my personal researcher, Nick, to read up on it and get back to me. In the mean time, he had been dealing with wrist pain and had an appt with his primary care (which is another appointment that is on my list to make. I have already had my “yearly” if you know what I mean. TMI?!?) haha. He came home from that appointment with some discouraging news and he had just read about the Whole 30 and basically told me we were doing it and we were going to do it for a long while. Ok. Here we go. So, I did some actual research and pinned my little heart out on a secret Whole30 board of course, because I didn’t want anyone to know we were going to be another few people who failed at a whole30. I figured if I kept the board secret and failed at it, it wouldn’t be such a deal. Nick continued to get the plan in place and listened to the book. I was a bit of a crab about it even though it was my idea. Haha. So the journey began and all of a sudden the first week was over and I was feeling a bit empowered. When we first started our Whole30, we had our vacation in mind. The one we are on as I write this. We didn’t want to be on it while we took our big girl to DFW for a fun birthday weekend.   I can tell you in all honesty that we did the Whole 30 days and it wasn’t the end of the world.  It might have been the best thing we could have done for ourselves.
See, since I was fairly young, I’ve had a weird relationship with food. I never thought much of it until middle school, but I was taught to love myself even if I wasn’t the exact version I wanted to see, so I didn’t really change the things I didn’t like. I wished they would change, but was honestly too lazy to try to change them. So, through high school and college I didn’t really hate myself, but I didn’t better myself either. Marriage came and the newly wed lbs came on. Pregnancy 1, then 2 suddenly after that and then a few years of grieving and trying to figure out life came on me. I found myself years down the road with this need to actually give some attention to my body. 9 months ago I took on a new role at Family Life Church. When I stepped into the roll of Worship Pastor/Creative Arts I had no clue what I was actually walking into. God has stretched me far beyond what I thought I even needed to be. There have been very dark days and there have been many amazing days. I can’t explain the depth to which my faith has plunged, but I kinda love it. What a refreshing thing to be in over my head in the middle of God’s will. It has come with some major challenges, deep hurts, lots of confusion and many a night of crying out for wisdom, direction, just His closeness. I began to hear him talk to me about my health, specifically my weight, my disrespect to my body. My neglect of the body he gave me. I would see a live stream of a service and shudder because what I saw wasn’t how I felt I looked. It didn’t depict my inner self either. I didn’t look like my personality, in my mind. So, all of that to say, along with Nick’s Dr’s appointment, the rubber met the road. Here we were at a crossroads. I could continue down the comfortable road, the one I’ve known for half my life, or the hard road. Well, I was already proving to myself that taking the harder road in my place of service/work/ministry hasn’t caused me to fall over dead then maybe choosing the hard road to my health was going to be worth it too.
Whole30, you can research it yourself. You can cringe and deep sigh and roll your eyes at it too at first. Yet, I will tell you that I have never felt more control and true discipline in my life regarding food, in my life. I have a respect for myself enough to not destroy myself with emotional eating (as much, y’all it is still a struggle and probably always will be), mindless snacking, the need for a drink or a sonic run every day, etc. There are freedoms I now enjoy that I have not even imagined before. The massive detox of all things, grain, dairy, legumes, sugar, etc totally reset my system and has been an absolute blessing to me. Has it been hell at times? Why, yes. Yes it has. Have I enjoyed cooking EVERY. SINGLE. MEAL. Now and forever amen. No, I have not enjoyed it every time. Have I loved running the dishwasher every day and running out of clean forks every other day? Nope. But, have I enjoyed experimenting, challenging myself and then proving to myself that I can do hard things? YES. It really has been an adventure that I have enjoyed and embraced. I have learned that strawberries don’t need sugar on them. Haha. I realized that I can make a mean jar of Ranch Dressing. Fresh salsa makes a great dressing. Plantains are delightful. Scrambled eggs for breakfast every day isn’t all that bad, especially when cooked in coconut oil. :D
Why am I writing all of this? I know that it isn’t breaking news and I don’t have any wisdom I am going to drop on you, but I want to document this for myself. I want to continue to keep learning, keep challenging myself and in His grace be obedient. Obedience is hard. Is it worth it? Every time.
Now, I will say, I could not have done this without Nick. The accountability, the person I can be most honest with, doing this alongside has made all the difference. We starting exercising too, because our energy had switched because of our detox of so many things that were causing us to crash at the end of the day. We are watching less TV, spending more time outside, going to the pool, working out 3x a week at least, etc.  Our kids eat better because we are. The girls will throw down a bowl of grapes or strawberries like nothing else. Ava has been very aware of this journey with me. She knows I am focusing on being healthy. She is a cheerleader. I’m thankful that she is seeing me be mindful of my health, but for the right reasons, not for the sake of a size or I don’t think I’m pretty or something…
So we are enjoying our vacation, having some treats and celebrating our daughter and when we return home, we will be doing another Whole30. There is something that continues to better us through this routine that we are not done banking on. So, we will continue along and be thankful for the benefits of being disciplined. God is a God of order. He is not a God of chaos.
I am not sure where you are in your life or what your struggles are, but if you have any question about being obedient in the hard thing…. Do it. Just go ahead and do the hard thing. You can do hard things. You can say no to things. You can say yes to things. You can walk in obedience. NOT perfectly, but wholly. As we pursue Holiness. We obviously will never achieve perfect holiness, true righteousness, that is why grace is so beautiful. Yet, I know we can achieve obedience to the fullest, wild abandon in our faith, adventures and challenges can be accepted and experienced to levels never before known.
There are 6 more months to this year. I am thankful that God doesn’t operate in time like we do. He allows me to take on new adventures and challenges with him, at the pace I can, in the time I need, in the way that is best. Another thing, I’m so thankful for a friend who understands and  supports whatever thing God is doing in my life. Surround yourself with support, with wisdom, with true blues. They are hard to find. If you have 1, you are blessed. Finding a rhythm to your life is so important as well. IT is ok to eat the same breakfast every day of your life. It is fine to have staple items that you know support your health. It is ok to not schedule something every day. It is amazing for your kids if you really listen and allow yourself to be aware and attentive. 

***note to the grieving mom reading this, because that has been the whole intention of this blog since Noah’s death…Take. Care. Of. Yourself. Spend time tending to your heart for as long as you need, in whatever ways you need. Be honest and true. Exercise. Eat clean. Treat yourself too. Enjoy quiet. Enjoy alone time. Savor family. Extend grace. To those family members and friends who bail, give them grace and love, but don’t hide your needs to appease them. They don’t always understand. They need grace and forgiveness for the times they hurt us. To those people on the inter-webs who mean well, but just can’t seem to not comment, just keep scrolling. To the people who will forget your child’s birthday or death day or some special date, don’t hold it against them. Time doesn’t heal, but it gives us perspective. Just continue to allow grace to flow. Feel all the feels. Do all the traditions, special things and celebrations. Post the pictures, share their story, find a support group, keep a grief journal, give back, find ways to honor your child’s life/memory/legacy. Whatever it takes, be the best version of you for the kids you still have on earth, or for the kids who will grace your family someday. I’m telling you, take care of yourself. Don’t let the loss of your child kill your spirit for life. Take your time and then wipe your face and push forward. It’s worth it. We can do hard things because we have lived through the hardest most dark day of our life; the day we gave our baby back to Jesus. Hold on tight mommas and daddies of those gone before. Redemption will come. *****

So, ya. I’m thankful. I’m inspired. I'm refreshed. Thankful for this little weekend away to recharge and have quality time with my loves. Thankful that God allows space and ways to make us better versions of ourselves. I challenge you to do the small thing, today, that could possibly change your life. What a blessing it is to be a masterpiece that is ever changing, growing, getting more beautiful and increasing in value as time goes by. See yourself as worth the investment.
I know it has been so long since I have shared. I suppose the desire to write has just been suppressed by lots of different circumstances. Thankful for the place to share my heart though, and possibly encourage you. Be the best version of you. I used to think so little of those who thought nutrition and health were priority. I had this attitude and pride because I was in denial. I didn’t want to like those who cared about their health because I didn’t. I think that happens for people in many different ways. If you don’t want to care about your spiritual condition then you think those who do are snobby. If you don’t care about social justice then you think people are wasting their time. If you don’t care about a certain issue then you avoid it. Here’s the thing, when it becomes important to you, you will actually succeed at it. Again, thankful for grace.Thankful for patience and for growth.
Extending the invitation that if you need support or encouragement or any form of advice, I’m not certain that I can be the best help, but I can be a friend and an ear. I can point you to the One who can and will walk with you through any road.
In Him,
Noah’s mom