Noah had a good night. His output was good. Every bit of pee is a good thing and we pray for more of that. I'm taking each nugget of good news and praising God! Every little thing. Thank you for continuing on this road and praying us through it. Don't stop. Praying for more and more pee to come, for that fluid to reside, for the ventilator to be weaned more, for feedings to start back up, for meds to come down, just every detail, I know God has it all.
thanks and love
shaina
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
While Everybody Is Watching
This journey has been a very public one. Sometimes that has been by our choice and others time it has not. We decided when we first knew of Noah and his heart condition that we wanted and needed support. We called upon everyone we know to begin praying for him. We have been overwhelmed by love and prayers of support for us since then. We continue to get prayers, we are on so many prayer chains I couldn't even tell you how many. We are thankful, truly. We have amazing family and friends who cover us daily. We have a church that is beyond supportive. There are people in other countries who are lifting us up to God. The body of Christ has come together in a very beautiful way. Here is what hurts though.... When we utilize facebook as a means to communicate updates about our son so that our fellow Christians and prayer warriors can continue to lift him up in the details and rejoice in the praises...that means we are "friends" with most of them. It has come to my attention that there are some people who will pray along side us and support our son and then have some very negative and rude, very un-Christ like things to say on there later. I am thankful for any prayers we get for our son, but I am sad that some of the same mouths that pray for our boy also speak hateful words and gripe about things.
I have been very vulnerable and open to everyone as I have traveled this road. My husband is very private and reserved and is not near as vocal nor as social. We make a great team. He keeps me grounded and I keep him busy. So, I have gone through this journey in a very public way, by choice. There are some days that I regret that, but other days I am thankful because the load is lifted and I can breathe. There is a line in a song that I have been listening to that says, "it's hard to grow while everybody's watching". This time in my life has been the hardest, to say the least, and it has been the most growing time as well. I always said I had a boring testimony....I accepted Christ at age 7, didn't get into any/much trouble growing up, just nothing really to tell people. This has changed that forever. All of this has changed me. I feel like I am on display for all to see and if I have a bad day or mess up or say the wrong thing that I have failed in some way. The bad days are reallly bad. The good days aren't my best, but they aren't the dark ones. Does that make sense? There have been times in the last few months that I have almost thrown in the towel, turned my back and ran as fast as I could the other direction. Why would God allow this to happen to my son, or any child for that matter? When he said he knit and formed noah in my womb, why did he mess up? Why is noah's heart not whole? Why does my daughter have to be away from her parents, who aren't divorced and didn't choose to be a part? Why do two people, who have become one, who function better together, who when one cries the other tastes salt, have to be separated for months, seeing each other for little bits at a time, here and there, with the stress of a critically ill child, a developing toddler and trying to nurture and protect their marriage at the same time. How is this God's will? How is this good? How is this of God's hand? The age old question, "why do bad things happen to good people?" Well, first of all, the Word clearly states that no man is good. We have all fallen short of the glory of God. So, "good people" are irrelevant in bad situations. Bad things happen. period. God never said following him or trusting him would be easy. The thing that God is asking us to do, is to trust His character, even when we do not understand his ways. Today, I didn't show that in my faith. I, honestly almost gave up on faith. I am so dang stubborn though, that I cannot turn away from what I know, what I have always known and the only form of hope I see. Without faith, what hope is there? It's the gospel. We have no hope but Christ. There is no hope, but in Him who died to give me hope. It's beautiful. It's merciful. It's unfailing. It's pure. It's love. I have struggled with feeling punished lately. This whole ordeal with Noah makes me feel as if I have done something wrong and God is punishing me by making my child go through this ordeal. I was freed from that lie Sunday in worship when we sang a line in a song I have sung a million times, but never heard the verse like I did Sunday.
So, Noah. I know you are all really reading this to hear about him. Noah is precious. He's adorable. He's handsome. He is sweet, he is strong, he is so far above me in courage and he doesn't even know what courage is. He is helpless, needy, and still very sick. Let me try to make it clear. He has been on a ventilator since the day he was born. He has gone through 2 surgeries and a heart cath within and month and a half. He has had more iv's, drains and tubes coming out of him than I have ever seen or could count on my hands. He went into and survived cardiac arrest. He has endured a nasty infection. He has gone on and off feedings multiple times. He has never been held. (i take it back, his daddy held him in the OR when he was born.
I have been very vulnerable and open to everyone as I have traveled this road. My husband is very private and reserved and is not near as vocal nor as social. We make a great team. He keeps me grounded and I keep him busy. So, I have gone through this journey in a very public way, by choice. There are some days that I regret that, but other days I am thankful because the load is lifted and I can breathe. There is a line in a song that I have been listening to that says, "it's hard to grow while everybody's watching". This time in my life has been the hardest, to say the least, and it has been the most growing time as well. I always said I had a boring testimony....I accepted Christ at age 7, didn't get into any/much trouble growing up, just nothing really to tell people. This has changed that forever. All of this has changed me. I feel like I am on display for all to see and if I have a bad day or mess up or say the wrong thing that I have failed in some way. The bad days are reallly bad. The good days aren't my best, but they aren't the dark ones. Does that make sense? There have been times in the last few months that I have almost thrown in the towel, turned my back and ran as fast as I could the other direction. Why would God allow this to happen to my son, or any child for that matter? When he said he knit and formed noah in my womb, why did he mess up? Why is noah's heart not whole? Why does my daughter have to be away from her parents, who aren't divorced and didn't choose to be a part? Why do two people, who have become one, who function better together, who when one cries the other tastes salt, have to be separated for months, seeing each other for little bits at a time, here and there, with the stress of a critically ill child, a developing toddler and trying to nurture and protect their marriage at the same time. How is this God's will? How is this good? How is this of God's hand? The age old question, "why do bad things happen to good people?" Well, first of all, the Word clearly states that no man is good. We have all fallen short of the glory of God. So, "good people" are irrelevant in bad situations. Bad things happen. period. God never said following him or trusting him would be easy. The thing that God is asking us to do, is to trust His character, even when we do not understand his ways. Today, I didn't show that in my faith. I, honestly almost gave up on faith. I am so dang stubborn though, that I cannot turn away from what I know, what I have always known and the only form of hope I see. Without faith, what hope is there? It's the gospel. We have no hope but Christ. There is no hope, but in Him who died to give me hope. It's beautiful. It's merciful. It's unfailing. It's pure. It's love. I have struggled with feeling punished lately. This whole ordeal with Noah makes me feel as if I have done something wrong and God is punishing me by making my child go through this ordeal. I was freed from that lie Sunday in worship when we sang a line in a song I have sung a million times, but never heard the verse like I did Sunday.
Til on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live, I live
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live, I live
The wrath of God was satisfied. This trial is not God's wrath, even though it can feel like it at times. God's wrath was satisfied in Christ's death. My son is not enduring punishment, God's son did. Wow.
So, Noah. I know you are all really reading this to hear about him. Noah is precious. He's adorable. He's handsome. He is sweet, he is strong, he is so far above me in courage and he doesn't even know what courage is. He is helpless, needy, and still very sick. Let me try to make it clear. He has been on a ventilator since the day he was born. He has gone through 2 surgeries and a heart cath within and month and a half. He has had more iv's, drains and tubes coming out of him than I have ever seen or could count on my hands. He went into and survived cardiac arrest. He has endured a nasty infection. He has gone on and off feedings multiple times. He has never been held. (i take it back, his daddy held him in the OR when he was born.
Since that moment, he has not been held. He has never been able to wear clothes. He is swollen. He is so terribly swollen it is so sad. I hate it for him. His skin is so tight in his abdomen, chest and face. He has gone through more in the first month and a half of his life than many people go through in their entire life. So...how is noah tonight?
Noah is stable. His numbers are good. His heart rate is steady due to the pacemaker. We are thankful for that. His oxygen saturation is good, for where he is in this process of fixing his heart. With every surgery it will get better. His blood pressure is decent as well. Until the fluid comes off of his body though, he can't get better. That is why I was so urgent in my posting this afternoon. The miracle we ask and need for Noah is for fluid to rush out of him and off of his body immediately. He needs to be relieved of the edema in his body now. He had gone down real well until dealing with the surgery yesterday. He is back to being really puffed up. He needs to pee and pee and pee to get the fluid off of him. He also needs to have gas, a lot. His abdomen is very swollen and full of air. He really needs that air to be released. Yes, he needs to fart a lot.
Ava. Sweet, silly, lovely, precious, beautiful and smart Ava. She has been tossed around, pawned off, in limbo between places for months and it is finally taking it's toll on her. My sweet girl has been teething for awhile with molars and that has been terrible lately. She has kidney reflux and has had it since she was born, but she had to go through a vcug test to check up on it, a few weeks ago. She goes to the dr tomorrow to find out if she will need a procedure to correct it or if it correcting on its own. She also has an issue with her arm, exactly like her daddy's left arm, where her bones are not growing properly and she has lack of radial motion in her right arm. We will have to have it looked at by an orthopedic dr. She has been clingy, sad, tired, with a suppressed appetite lately. She misses me, then she misses nick. She gets pawned off on family all the time, especially the weekends so nick can come down here. She has been amazing, resilient, cooperative, sweet, silly and happy through it all, but right now she is feeling the effects of it all. She has been under the attack today along with her daddy, mommy and brother. She is weary and tired. I know my children will not remember this time in our life, but we will and you can bet that they will know how amazing they were/are and how much they did to encourage their mommy and daddy to keep trusting the Lord, keep pushing ourselves along and not give up.
Prayer Specifics:
(this is going to sound cliche and cheesy, but it's my heart's longing) For God to be honored, glorified and exalted in our life.
That Noah would feel the prayers, peace and healing touch of Christ.
For God to help my unbelief
For Nick as leader of our home.
For myself as the one, alone on the frontline 24/7
For Ava as she endures
Noah to release fluid. To get rid of fluid and come down in swelling in an enormous way. A miraculous and amazing way.
For him to release air from his abdomen.
To not retain fluid in his chest.
To GET OFF THE VENTILATOR!!!
to adjust to that change when it happens.
to get back on feeds, preferably my milk, not formula, but either way.
to remain consistent in his heart stats.
that he will get rid of tubes, less meds, to transition to a more "normal" baby.
to BE HELD BY HIS MOMMY AND DADDY
for ava to be well
for her arm to be healed
for her to have endurance to get through this with us
for her to be cared for in my/our absence.
her kidney reflux stuff to be dealt with/healed
For nick to get rest and to get through work each day
for myself to take care of myself
for my milk supply
to remain immersed in Christ and his truth, to not dwell on the bad or the difficult so much and try to refresh my heart and mind in him every day so I can be strong for my son and daughter.
for people to come to Christ and for those that know him to draw nearer to him through our story.
Thank y'all. Love y'all.
learning still,
shaina
Sunday, November 4, 2012
At His "Pace"...
Nothing about Noah's story has been "normal". Nothing has been typical at all, in fact, from the day we found out we were pregnant, nothing has been regular. Most people find out they are pregnant a few weeks into the pregnancy. Well, we didn't. We found out 20 weeks in. Within 1 week of finding out we were pregnant, we found out we were having a boy and we found out he had a CHD. (Congenital Heart Defect) Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome (HLHS)
Nothing about this boy has been easy or normal..(except for loving him, that has been easy as ever and as normal as can be) So, here we are, 1 month and 11 days into his life and he is still calling the shots. Well, him and God.
So, Noah is doing well today. We have some news about his progress I would like to explain! God and Noah have been taking us on a long journey post surgery. Today we found out that he will need a pacemaker put in. Noah has been on and off of a pacemaker since he came out of surgery. This can be normal for an HLHS patient. He would do well for a week off of the pacemaker and then he would need it again. So, today his heart rate went back down and he had one of the cardiologist monitor him most of the day. After all the back and forth they have decided this will be the best thing for him. The procedure will be tomorrow (monday) or Tuesday. This is a very simple procedure, to put the pacemaker in. Nick and I are relieved to have something to move forward with as we have been waiting for weeks to see progress and be able to measure that progress. So, Noah will get the pacemaker. It is an amazing device and will only kick in when his little heart needs it. This gives us some confidence as we move forward that his heart has support. His heart and the shunt that was put in during his first surgery (norwood procedure) are doing well. He needs the pacemaker to help his heart communicate better basically. The procedure to put in the pacemaker is a simple surgery. Noah still has the ventilator in, they have stopped his feeds for now and he is ready to go when they are ready to get him back there to do the surgery. He will not have to be on bypass or anything so that is good. This is not nearly as invasive or hard on his body. This will be a good step in his recovery process and we are confident in his caregivers, doctors, nurses etc. They know Noah and have taken care of him since day 1. They know what's best for his little heart and his body. They are so excited to see how he will progress after this pacemaker placement. His nurse today was so excited to tell me that it won't be long now til we see him without all the tubes in his face. :)
SO...please pray for this procedure to go smoothly. Pray that this will help get him to that final step to true recovery. Nick and I are thankful for your prayers and support as always!
Besides the pacemaker news, his stats are good, they are weaning him off the vent slowly, he got rid of a chest drain, he loves to be swaddled, he was going up on feeds until they decided on the pacemaker, but he'll go back on those after the surgery.
overall, this pacemaker is good news. It means that he will have the support he needs, we can move forward and see what GOOD things are ahead for our boy. I CANNOT wait to hold this baby boy and that looks closer now than ever really!
my baby boy is so handsome. I can hardly stand it. I need that boy in my arms :) :) :) Pray us through this pacemaker surgery please! Let's pray him up and get him through this next step so we can see even more amazing progress! My renewed and refreshed spirit is holding strong and I am thankful for the prayers that have gotten me here. I'm holding on, so tight. I know that God's plans for this boy are BEYOND my comprehension and understanding. There are lots of things ahead for our family, because of this boy and his courage, even as an infant, to fight and hold on to his maker. To God be the glory GREAT things he has done!! And will continue to do.
Thank you for holding up my arms.
Thank you for loving my family
Please praise God and thank him for his covering.
blessings,
Noah's mommy
Nothing about this boy has been easy or normal..(except for loving him, that has been easy as ever and as normal as can be) So, here we are, 1 month and 11 days into his life and he is still calling the shots. Well, him and God.
So, Noah is doing well today. We have some news about his progress I would like to explain! God and Noah have been taking us on a long journey post surgery. Today we found out that he will need a pacemaker put in. Noah has been on and off of a pacemaker since he came out of surgery. This can be normal for an HLHS patient. He would do well for a week off of the pacemaker and then he would need it again. So, today his heart rate went back down and he had one of the cardiologist monitor him most of the day. After all the back and forth they have decided this will be the best thing for him. The procedure will be tomorrow (monday) or Tuesday. This is a very simple procedure, to put the pacemaker in. Nick and I are relieved to have something to move forward with as we have been waiting for weeks to see progress and be able to measure that progress. So, Noah will get the pacemaker. It is an amazing device and will only kick in when his little heart needs it. This gives us some confidence as we move forward that his heart has support. His heart and the shunt that was put in during his first surgery (norwood procedure) are doing well. He needs the pacemaker to help his heart communicate better basically. The procedure to put in the pacemaker is a simple surgery. Noah still has the ventilator in, they have stopped his feeds for now and he is ready to go when they are ready to get him back there to do the surgery. He will not have to be on bypass or anything so that is good. This is not nearly as invasive or hard on his body. This will be a good step in his recovery process and we are confident in his caregivers, doctors, nurses etc. They know Noah and have taken care of him since day 1. They know what's best for his little heart and his body. They are so excited to see how he will progress after this pacemaker placement. His nurse today was so excited to tell me that it won't be long now til we see him without all the tubes in his face. :)
SO...please pray for this procedure to go smoothly. Pray that this will help get him to that final step to true recovery. Nick and I are thankful for your prayers and support as always!
Besides the pacemaker news, his stats are good, they are weaning him off the vent slowly, he got rid of a chest drain, he loves to be swaddled, he was going up on feeds until they decided on the pacemaker, but he'll go back on those after the surgery.
overall, this pacemaker is good news. It means that he will have the support he needs, we can move forward and see what GOOD things are ahead for our boy. I CANNOT wait to hold this baby boy and that looks closer now than ever really!
Thank you for holding up my arms.
Thank you for loving my family
Please praise God and thank him for his covering.
blessings,
Noah's mommy
Friday, November 2, 2012
November...really?
Sheesh. It's November. I have not seen home since September 8th. Wow. Such a long 2 months. Amazing yes. Hard, definitely. Worth it, absolutely.
The latest....
Well, I talked to one of the picu doctors today and Noah is doing well. He is SLOW at getting better, but he is getting better. The Cath on Tuesday showed that his heart and the repair done to it are functioning well. His body has gone under so much trauma that it is trying to heal as best as it can but it is just taking a long time. Due to the cardiac arrest, I believe that is why we are having a slow time. None the less, he said that Noah's kidneys have gone through the ringer and are very damaged. Due to slow blood flow, which is normal in hypo plastic left heart babies, and all the medicines pumped through his little body, his kidneys have just taken a beating. They have taken him off of the lasix and backed off the diuretic, and tried to lessen other meds as well. Hopefully they will see some improvement in his kidneys soon. He is getting rid of fluids ok, but still needs to get rid of fluids in order to get weaned off the vent in a timely fashion and in general he needs the fluids off of him. He needs to really pee and get rid of excess fluid. They readjusted his right chest drain and got some more fluid out of it today, so that is good. He has some clotting, even on Heprin (blood thinner) and that can be normal in a hypo plastic heart baby as well. Not a good thing, but normal. His Oxygen saturation was real low the other day when I was up there, but seemed to normalize later in the day.
He has been off of the pacemaker since last weekend. That is very important and good! The Ventilator. He has been on a ventilator since the day he was born. :( This can be a big deal to get him off of. Please pray they can continue to wean him off of it. I don't want to rush or push that sweet boy before his time, but please pray that comes quickly. He needs to be off of that thing. It is a huge step to recovery. I think a lot of the things slowing him down over all will correct when he is able to be held and picked up. This can only be done when the ventilator is out and other tubes/drains taken out.Other than that he seems to be doing well. He loves his passy. He is so sweet and has great hair, a handsome face and precious eyes. (when they're open)Feedings have gone up, so hopefully that will help his systems. We'll see.
So, how to pray:
pray for total restoration of Noah's kidneys RESTORATION is the word of the night. both for momma and noah
pray for fluids to drain and drain, for PEE
Pray for gas to be released. yes, pray for Noah to toot his little heart out.
Pray for clots to be no more! For the heprin to work and then be able to be weaned off the heprin.
Pray for his chest drains to be taken out.
Pray for him to be weaned off the ventilator and for all stats to remain consistent. (HUGE)
Pray to stay off the pacemaker
Pray for him to be able to be picked up and HELD.(this is for mommy too)
Pray for Noah to not have damage to other functions in his body due to all the trauma.
Pray for him to get relief from his bed sores he has on various parts of his body
Pray for him to continue to recognize myself and nick as we are not able to be nearly as close as we would like (holding him and playing with him)
Pray for him to not need as much pain and sedation meds as often
Pray for him to have all the immune support he can get.
So, most of you know that Ava has been running a moderate to high fever for 2 days now. I suppose it was a good practice fun for me to be reminded that when Ava has the slightest fever, she has to be taken to the dr and looked at. slightest of fevers could mean trouble for Noah when we're home. So, it was good practice. They ruled everything out and sent us home to treat the fever and see how things go. I think teeth, exhaustion and travel have caught up to her. :( I so long to be home again with her during the days. She does so well on a routine. (as do i )
Pray for her to have full health restored
pray for her transition back to home this coming week
pray for her to be able to rest
pray for the next 2 weeks of me not seeing her again. :(
I can't even begin to think of all the ways I need prayer. I could post a whole new blog about that. maybe tomorrow. haha. just pray as you feel led. I'm tired, weary, holding on to every little bit of hope I can muster but trying not to feel let down when things don't happen the way I think they could. Pray for Nick as he endures and works. I miss him terribly. I cannot fathom life without him. I would just collapse from sheer exhaustion. He is just so wonderful and I miss him. a lot. all the thoughts and lessons on marriage through this time..that's a whole other blog as well.
Love you all. thank you for the prayers and for holding my arms up.
blessings,
shaina
The latest....
Well, I talked to one of the picu doctors today and Noah is doing well. He is SLOW at getting better, but he is getting better. The Cath on Tuesday showed that his heart and the repair done to it are functioning well. His body has gone under so much trauma that it is trying to heal as best as it can but it is just taking a long time. Due to the cardiac arrest, I believe that is why we are having a slow time. None the less, he said that Noah's kidneys have gone through the ringer and are very damaged. Due to slow blood flow, which is normal in hypo plastic left heart babies, and all the medicines pumped through his little body, his kidneys have just taken a beating. They have taken him off of the lasix and backed off the diuretic, and tried to lessen other meds as well. Hopefully they will see some improvement in his kidneys soon. He is getting rid of fluids ok, but still needs to get rid of fluids in order to get weaned off the vent in a timely fashion and in general he needs the fluids off of him. He needs to really pee and get rid of excess fluid. They readjusted his right chest drain and got some more fluid out of it today, so that is good. He has some clotting, even on Heprin (blood thinner) and that can be normal in a hypo plastic heart baby as well. Not a good thing, but normal. His Oxygen saturation was real low the other day when I was up there, but seemed to normalize later in the day.
He has been off of the pacemaker since last weekend. That is very important and good! The Ventilator. He has been on a ventilator since the day he was born. :( This can be a big deal to get him off of. Please pray they can continue to wean him off of it. I don't want to rush or push that sweet boy before his time, but please pray that comes quickly. He needs to be off of that thing. It is a huge step to recovery. I think a lot of the things slowing him down over all will correct when he is able to be held and picked up. This can only be done when the ventilator is out and other tubes/drains taken out.Other than that he seems to be doing well. He loves his passy. He is so sweet and has great hair, a handsome face and precious eyes. (when they're open)Feedings have gone up, so hopefully that will help his systems. We'll see.
So, how to pray:
pray for total restoration of Noah's kidneys RESTORATION is the word of the night. both for momma and noah
pray for fluids to drain and drain, for PEE
Pray for gas to be released. yes, pray for Noah to toot his little heart out.
Pray for clots to be no more! For the heprin to work and then be able to be weaned off the heprin.
Pray for his chest drains to be taken out.
Pray for him to be weaned off the ventilator and for all stats to remain consistent. (HUGE)
Pray to stay off the pacemaker
Pray for him to be able to be picked up and HELD.(this is for mommy too)
Pray for Noah to not have damage to other functions in his body due to all the trauma.
Pray for him to get relief from his bed sores he has on various parts of his body
Pray for him to continue to recognize myself and nick as we are not able to be nearly as close as we would like (holding him and playing with him)
Pray for him to not need as much pain and sedation meds as often
Pray for him to have all the immune support he can get.
So, most of you know that Ava has been running a moderate to high fever for 2 days now. I suppose it was a good practice fun for me to be reminded that when Ava has the slightest fever, she has to be taken to the dr and looked at. slightest of fevers could mean trouble for Noah when we're home. So, it was good practice. They ruled everything out and sent us home to treat the fever and see how things go. I think teeth, exhaustion and travel have caught up to her. :( I so long to be home again with her during the days. She does so well on a routine. (as do i )
Pray for her to have full health restored
pray for her transition back to home this coming week
pray for her to be able to rest
pray for the next 2 weeks of me not seeing her again. :(
I can't even begin to think of all the ways I need prayer. I could post a whole new blog about that. maybe tomorrow. haha. just pray as you feel led. I'm tired, weary, holding on to every little bit of hope I can muster but trying not to feel let down when things don't happen the way I think they could. Pray for Nick as he endures and works. I miss him terribly. I cannot fathom life without him. I would just collapse from sheer exhaustion. He is just so wonderful and I miss him. a lot. all the thoughts and lessons on marriage through this time..that's a whole other blog as well.
Love you all. thank you for the prayers and for holding my arms up.
blessings,
shaina
The trusty ol dishcloth....
I feel like the old dishcloth that lays beside the sink or over the middle part of a 2 section sink. You know what I'm talking about. The ol rag that gets used to wipe up spills, cleans up the counters, gets dropped on the floor, rinsed and rung out and every once in awhile it gets forgotten in the bottom of the sink and gets smelly. You know exactly what I'm talking about. I'm the smelly rag in the bottom of the sink.
I know, it sounds weird and I'm not sure I can explain this without sounding really crazy. I just feel that I "do my job" well, I'm dependable, decently useful, I try not to whine or complain to much about and if I do complain I try to then find the good in things. I am loyal, hard working, stubborn at times, committed and love deeply.
This season in my life though, I feel like the forgotten rag in the bottom of the sink. Stinky, dried out, useless for it's purpose, and needy. Needy for a washing. Useless for cleaning. Dried out from the lack of usage and stinky from all the grime and yuck it has endured.
Am I making any sense at all? I'll continue for those of you still reading.
I long for the time when I get picked up out of the sink, thrown in the wash and hung to dry in the bright sunshine. Then I will be refreshed, renewed, useful again, clean, warmed and brightened by the Son and ready for the next season. I so desire for that to happen. I'm trying my best to stay calm and try to endure this season of the sink...it is hard. It stinks. For reals. It is not pleasant. It is not fun. I do not enjoy it one bit. I do however have to find ways to keep going until I get picked up out of it. So, as I sit in the sink of trial, pain, frustration, loneliness, struggle, separation from Nick and Ava, disconnect from Noah, longing to be in my own home again, missing my church family, away from friends, family and even just the familiarities of home, etc I can try to look up.
Psalm 51:12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
Deuteronomy 30:3
then the LORD your God will restore your fortunes and have compassion on you and gather you again from all the nations where he scattered you.
Job 8:6
if you are pure and upright, even now he will rouse himself on your behalf and restore you to your prosperous state.
So, here I am in the bottom of the sink.... I guess since I enjoy and desire to be in my home, be about the things of my home and serve the people who live in my home, my mind just goes to things of the home to describe this season of life.
In times like these, where I don't know what my purpose is, everything seems dark and I feel forgotten by the one who "uses" me most (uses=loves, adores and cares for), I tend to just function as best I can, try not to over think anything, put big hopes and goals ahead of myself, knowing Noah is taking his time and needs this time to really heal properly, and I try to give myself space to hurt and struggle as well as have joyful days of purpose and hope.
There will come a day when I will realize that I have been picked up out of the sink. Then down the road I will be washed clean of this sorrow and bitterness, even anger and hurt. Later on then, I will be hung out to dry in the warmth of the Son and I will radiate and glow with gladness, and feel ready and useful for service again. What a glorious time that will be.
from the sink,
Shaina
I know, it sounds weird and I'm not sure I can explain this without sounding really crazy. I just feel that I "do my job" well, I'm dependable, decently useful, I try not to whine or complain to much about and if I do complain I try to then find the good in things. I am loyal, hard working, stubborn at times, committed and love deeply.
This season in my life though, I feel like the forgotten rag in the bottom of the sink. Stinky, dried out, useless for it's purpose, and needy. Needy for a washing. Useless for cleaning. Dried out from the lack of usage and stinky from all the grime and yuck it has endured.
Am I making any sense at all? I'll continue for those of you still reading.
I long for the time when I get picked up out of the sink, thrown in the wash and hung to dry in the bright sunshine. Then I will be refreshed, renewed, useful again, clean, warmed and brightened by the Son and ready for the next season. I so desire for that to happen. I'm trying my best to stay calm and try to endure this season of the sink...it is hard. It stinks. For reals. It is not pleasant. It is not fun. I do not enjoy it one bit. I do however have to find ways to keep going until I get picked up out of it. So, as I sit in the sink of trial, pain, frustration, loneliness, struggle, separation from Nick and Ava, disconnect from Noah, longing to be in my own home again, missing my church family, away from friends, family and even just the familiarities of home, etc I can try to look up.
Psalm 51:12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
Deuteronomy 30:3
then the LORD your God will restore your fortunes and have compassion on you and gather you again from all the nations where he scattered you.
Job 8:6
if you are pure and upright, even now he will rouse himself on your behalf and restore you to your prosperous state.
So, here I am in the bottom of the sink.... I guess since I enjoy and desire to be in my home, be about the things of my home and serve the people who live in my home, my mind just goes to things of the home to describe this season of life.
In times like these, where I don't know what my purpose is, everything seems dark and I feel forgotten by the one who "uses" me most (uses=loves, adores and cares for), I tend to just function as best I can, try not to over think anything, put big hopes and goals ahead of myself, knowing Noah is taking his time and needs this time to really heal properly, and I try to give myself space to hurt and struggle as well as have joyful days of purpose and hope.
There will come a day when I will realize that I have been picked up out of the sink. Then down the road I will be washed clean of this sorrow and bitterness, even anger and hurt. Later on then, I will be hung out to dry in the warmth of the Son and I will radiate and glow with gladness, and feel ready and useful for service again. What a glorious time that will be.
from the sink,
Shaina
Monday, October 29, 2012
God of Our Days
God of My Days
Gateway Worship
You awaken my heart
From slumbering
Meet me in mourning
And you speak to my grief
You're the light in my darkness
The delight of my eyes
The hope of the daybreak
When the sun's slow to rise
(Chorus)
I trust that every moment's in your hands
You're the God of my days
The King of my nights
Lord of my laughter
Sovereign in sorrow
You're the Prince of my praise
The love of my life
You never leave me
You are faithful
God of my days
You unveil my eyes
Help me to see
The arms of my Father
Encircling me
You're a constant companion
I am never alone
Your love is the banner
That's leading me home
(Chorus)
My eyes are on You
My hope is in You
My faith is in You
My eyes are on You
My hope is in You
My faith is in You
Gateway Worship
You awaken my heart
From slumbering
Meet me in mourning
And you speak to my grief
You're the light in my darkness
The delight of my eyes
The hope of the daybreak
When the sun's slow to rise
(Chorus)
I trust that every moment's in your hands
You're the God of my days
The King of my nights
Lord of my laughter
Sovereign in sorrow
You're the Prince of my praise
The love of my life
You never leave me
You are faithful
God of my days
You unveil my eyes
Help me to see
The arms of my Father
Encircling me
You're a constant companion
I am never alone
Your love is the banner
That's leading me home
(Chorus)
My eyes are on You
My hope is in You
My faith is in You
My eyes are on You
My hope is in You
My faith is in You
I'm tired. I'm so very tired. I'm trying my hardest to see things with thankfulness at the forefront. It gets tiresome when everything seems to be dragging, no progress in sight, no answers, no news, nothing to measure success by. I'm just so weary of the waiting and the sadness that comes with it. Tomorrow is the heart cath. I'm supposed to be at the hospital no later than 9am and I haven't even gotten out of bed before 8:30 in awhile. eek! I shouldn't be posting right now, but my mind is wandering. I might not sleep at all tonight, honestly. So much on my mind. I'm trying to focus my heart and my heart's cries to the Lord and for his favor to be over us tomorrow. I am just longing for a clear cath so that we can move forward and see how noah progresses by weaning off the ventilator, going down on meds, increasing feedings, to be held once he's free of drains, the vent and a few other tubes. Lord I am just sure that if he gets held he will start to progress. Yet, I know that this time thing is all up to God and I have no say in it. I have not had a say in any of this and I'm just waiting for that to be honored. I feel that my attitude has not been honorable though. But, it is sooo hard to keep from going through the ups and many downs of this journey. Surely he extends his grace to me during the times I am not pleasant. This song just says all I want my heart to say but is too weak to.
I pray that I can update with glorious joy very soon. For now, I am leaning on y'all and the prayers you're sending up. I will not give up on the Lord. He has not given up on me.
hoping to post a great big wonderful update soon!
blessings
shaina
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Martha's Mary Moment
I'm a Martha. Hands down. I want to being doing, serving, baking, cooking, being hospitable, taking a meal, taking on another project, etc etc. I am wired that way and in this journey we've been on that has ceased to happen. I can't DO anything, for anyone. I have lots of downtime, lots of time to think, to over think, to be anxious, stressed, alone, frustrated and hopeless. I have truly tried to spend most of my time in fellowship with the Lord, but I have been trying so hard to "learn something", "grow from this", "share with others", "glorify him", that I forgot to let him love me, heal me, hold me, minister to me, calm my fears, wipe the streams and streams of tears from my face, to rock me into a peaceful slumber. I had gotten to where my quiet time with him in Noah's little cubicle was to fill the time as I waited in his room for the next update. It was a great "doodle time" as I found inspirational sayings and scriptures to write in my journal and make pretty in between sections of the same ol prayers and pleads. I'm not saying my quiet time with the Lord was in vain, it has served quite the purpose, it has kept me in the Word, it has kept me calm and yet it has kept me BUSY about the Lord, not just WITH the Lord. Sunday through Tuesday feel like one long day to me. It was quite the process of up and downs, struggling, wrestling, yelling and screaming at God and questioning him as to why this is still happening, why isn't he healing my boy, why is he standing back watching all of this and not intervening, does he care, does he really care? Doesn't feel like it. The last few days were like one long reenactment of the day we found out about Noah's condition. I was feeble, wanting to curl up and die with agony and physical pain due to the circumstances. It all rushed back and the emotion barrelled out of me like Niagara falls, the nightmare was all around, the doubt, fear and turmoil in my mind. Scary. There was a moment when I had to literally scream for Satan to leave me, my family and my sweet son alone. To be in such warfare has taken a toll on my body. I've felt sick and have seen the effects of this warfare on my mind and heart as well. My mind, my heart, my struggling and fighting the Lord were not in vain, for yet again he proves his faithfulness and love. I've always looked at the story of Mary and Martha as one of works/faith. Martha was full of works and being busy for the Lord and Mary had the faith to stop and just be with him. That is true. But, I think it goes deeper. The lesson God is teaching me in this moment is that in my relationship and walk with him, I am a Martha and to be a Mary is what he is calling me to be. In my walk with him, i am busy looking up the Word, reading a devotional, trying to figure out what I should be learning, what I should say next to people who ask, journal all my prayers, thoughts and needs, read a good inspirational book, give everyone the answers I think I should give, etc etc and ALL God is asking me to do right now is to just be his. (to allow Noah to be his). He desires me to just be with him. I don't have to try to figure anything out, be someone I'm not, pretend to be strong or whatever. I can just soak him up, even when I'm angry, even when I doubt him, his purpose or even his existence in my situation. God doesn't desire to give me answers or the play by play plan for Noah's recovery, as much as that would thrill me to have. He just wants me to be....his.
I've become the awkward person with the earbuds in all the time now. I walk around the hospital, the parking garage, target, the gas station, etc with my earbud in. It takes everything in me not to burst out singing sometimes because I am streaming hillsong on pandora. It truly has kept me focused on the Word through song, then as I open the Word or my journal, I am just refreshing and rejuvenating my sould and not tiring myself out by trying so hard. Right now in this place of my life, he is just asking me to hold his hand, and follow, without reservation like Ava does with her daddy. She doesn't question Nick, she just follows and trusts him with all she knows.
So, in the midst of my martha life if feels like, Mary moments are still available. This journey doesn't have to always be such a fight. There is a time and a place for struggle, but I truly can rest in him and still be diligent in faith and prayer. Having faith in Him through everything doesn't mean figuring it all out as I go. It actually means letting go of knowing, getting rid of the need to know and being ok with not having a clue. scary.
So, as Mary did, I want to just be with Him. As scary as it is. (i know, scary is a bad adjective, but that's all I can come up with)
As I soak up his presence and strength, I am able to go to Noah's bedside and not quiver with fear or doubt, but I can come up to his bedside as his Mommy who has a Word to pour over and into him, his mommy who doesn't look at him and struggle to connect, but his mommy who reminds him of his worth, his purpose and that he has thousands of believers lifting him up in sweet prayer. I get to tell him his story as he grows up and not only how it formed him but how it transformed me.
Please continue to lift up my sweet boy. Pray for MIRACULOUS progress, for his complete person to be on the mend, to progress and being to thrive. My big prayer is that he will progress enough to not need a heart cath next week. Pray for him to get to the point where he can get off of the ventilator. Once he is off the ventilator and has his chest drains out I think I will be able to hold him and boy will we have some cuddle worship time, cuddle prayer time, cuddle nap time, etc. I cannot wait to have that connection and communion with my precious inspiration. He truly is such a testimony of God's handiwork, mystery and purpose all rolled into a chunky ball of cute. :) hehe. I'm proud. I'm truly honored to be his mommy.
blessings
martha
I mean shaina
I've become the awkward person with the earbuds in all the time now. I walk around the hospital, the parking garage, target, the gas station, etc with my earbud in. It takes everything in me not to burst out singing sometimes because I am streaming hillsong on pandora. It truly has kept me focused on the Word through song, then as I open the Word or my journal, I am just refreshing and rejuvenating my sould and not tiring myself out by trying so hard. Right now in this place of my life, he is just asking me to hold his hand, and follow, without reservation like Ava does with her daddy. She doesn't question Nick, she just follows and trusts him with all she knows.
So, in the midst of my martha life if feels like, Mary moments are still available. This journey doesn't have to always be such a fight. There is a time and a place for struggle, but I truly can rest in him and still be diligent in faith and prayer. Having faith in Him through everything doesn't mean figuring it all out as I go. It actually means letting go of knowing, getting rid of the need to know and being ok with not having a clue. scary.
So, as Mary did, I want to just be with Him. As scary as it is. (i know, scary is a bad adjective, but that's all I can come up with)
As I soak up his presence and strength, I am able to go to Noah's bedside and not quiver with fear or doubt, but I can come up to his bedside as his Mommy who has a Word to pour over and into him, his mommy who doesn't look at him and struggle to connect, but his mommy who reminds him of his worth, his purpose and that he has thousands of believers lifting him up in sweet prayer. I get to tell him his story as he grows up and not only how it formed him but how it transformed me.
Please continue to lift up my sweet boy. Pray for MIRACULOUS progress, for his complete person to be on the mend, to progress and being to thrive. My big prayer is that he will progress enough to not need a heart cath next week. Pray for him to get to the point where he can get off of the ventilator. Once he is off the ventilator and has his chest drains out I think I will be able to hold him and boy will we have some cuddle worship time, cuddle prayer time, cuddle nap time, etc. I cannot wait to have that connection and communion with my precious inspiration. He truly is such a testimony of God's handiwork, mystery and purpose all rolled into a chunky ball of cute. :) hehe. I'm proud. I'm truly honored to be his mommy.
blessings
martha
I mean shaina
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