Looking Back

A year ago today, our 3 day old son was going through what most people
will never go through in their lifetime. (and it was just the first of 3)
Open heart surgery is so mind boggling to me.

I know it is mind boggling because I have not endured years and years of school and practice to become accustom to it. I also know that if I knew exactly what they were doing to my son that day, I would have probably not have gotten through it the way I did. They are totally honest and upfront about the basics, as they should, but I left the details up to them. I trusted our surgeon, the OR staff, the PICU staff upon his return. There was just this level of "he's going to be ok" that I settled into that day. With the support group we had that day, it was easy to stay peaceful and calm, watching after Ava, still being in recovery mode myself from the c-section, it was a quiet day at the hospital. We awaited every phone call they made from the OR. It was intense, but it was ok. I remember eating in the caf, camping out in "the cove"
(the hospital's indoor playground), trying to rest when I could, frozen yogurt (the hospital has a froyo place) actually laughing and just being together was a blessing.  The whole 5 months was intsense, but it was always ok. Somehow, someway, that peace that surpasses all understanding always found its way into my heart, into the room, into the situation. There were days when I wanted to be mad and angry and I was. I let it out often, I probably had more than my fair share of whining and complaining and I still do. Certain nurses will tell you that I am/was not always "peaceful" or "ok". They loved me anway and through it all. I'm forever thankful for that.

I began to read this verse this morning and realized that without knowing it, the more I would thank God for the little things, just take things a day at a time, savor everything as it came and find ways to worship and be thankful, that is when the peace settles in. It never settles in during my whining, during my doubting, during my questioning. Only when I began to write down or say things that were OK, that were good, that were obviously a blessing would I begin to feel peace and be FILLED with peace.

⁴ Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ⁵ Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. ⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

⁸ Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. ⁹ Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. Philippians 4:4-9

So, I guess what I am trying to say is that there have been days since Noah's death that I have forgotten how I even got through the hard days when he was alive. I did not forget that Christ is my strength, I just forgot to tap into it. I began the "why don't we get a break" attitude and the way I prayed suddenly became conditional, since He didn't heal Noah here on earth. I figured that if my prayers weren't being answered then surely something must be wrong in my life. What am I doing wrong? I still struggle with that. I am sure, in my humanity, I will always wonder what I did wrong to have a child with a CHD, to have to watch my little one suffer the way he did, but when I (not in my own strength either) finally said, "no matter what happens, it will be OK, God will still be in control, and somehow He will never fail us or let us go", then did I finally have that peace. It would come and go, sometimes days were easier, but I realize looking back that I would find a place and unload to God in my journal and I was search out every nugget of truth in the Word, daily. Every single day, sometimes for hours at a time. That is why, in the midst of my biggest storm in life, I could "be ok", "have peace" and let God do what He so desired with Noah. That is where we recieve our strength; in being with Him.
I have to be honest and tell you that the day Noah died a piece of me died too. It felt like part of my faith, if not all of it, died. I know it is normal for grieving mothers to have that time of pain, hurt, doubt, lack of faith, "why me's", nothing will ever be the same again attitude (and it won't and that's fine), the feeling that if I had to give my child back then don't I get a break for awhile, from the trials and pains of the world? All of those things, I deal with daily. Somedays are better than others. Some days the pit of grief feels warm and comfortable and I don't want to be bothered there. I want to lay there and be sad, be lonely, be withdrawn. I like it there some days. God knows there is no life in that place though and so He usually has Nick draw me out, put a smile on my face and in my heart and he helps me move on for awhile. The "dark days" generally do cleanse me and remind me that my, our, hope is not in life on earth. Somewhere in all of this grieving mess and adjusting to life now I have lost that peace, that "ok-ness" that no matter what happens, no matter how life works out, it will be OK. I realized, through our convicting and yet gentle, loving and kind small group (that I fought all day yesterday, trying to find a reason to not go) that for one, He has never left. Two, I'm not the only one with a boat in the storm. Three, I've quit rejoicing. I mean, I'm thankful, but I quit having the mindset and heart that no matter how life goes, there is something to rejoice over. Perhaps I put on a good front most of the time, but when I get down to it, my heart has not been rejoicing. I give good lip service in that way, but I can say that I haven't been honest in the "God is good", etc. That word in Habakuk, that sermon that was preached by a dear friend of ours last fall, that carried me and kept me focused on rejoicing through it ALL, I seemed to have filed away. If God won't answer this prayer, why would he answer any others? If we had to let our son die, for "His Glory", then why would he allow us to suffer through issues that we can barely afford to fix, get fixed, pay for, etc. Why would we barely make it sometimes after letting God have it all and do what he wanted in our life, in the life of our son? I don't understand so many times, but He doesn't relent, until he has it all. In February, He had it all, in September, He's having to ask for it all back again. We tend to do that. We tend to take stuff back and instead of letting him have every ounce, good or bad, we take little bits back and then we begin to feel entitled and that we deserve better or more than what God has already provided for. So, He uses Noah in our life, yet again, to draw our attention, our affection and our commitment to Him. I will never have the means to make my life whole again. Eternity in heaven is the only thing that will make me whole. But, I do know that somehow in all the mess we have to deal with right now, that He has never left. We are not the only boat out in the storm and He wants it all, with a rejoicing heart. That doesn't mean we don't have honesty with him and we don't get mad, frustrated and hurt when things don't turn out the way we want. Whether it is in the death of my child or in the fact that we have been asking God for big things in our life that he has yet to even sort of respond to. So, I'm not sure where else this is going, other than the fact that, if the only reason we had Noah was to keep us continually focused on God's way and not our own, then ok. The peace that surpasses all understanding remains and His love never fails, never gives up and never runs out on us. 

If I were to update you on our life a year from Noah's birth, I'm not sure I can even describe how provided for, blessed and thankful we are. God has never left us, even when it feels that way. He has plans for our family even when we feel like we are being punished or forgotten. God has certainly blessed us with people, some we don't even know, who love us well, carry us through and have more than honored us by their love for our son. Thank you cannot begin to cover what our hearts feel for each of you. God is faithful. 

We have settled back into life, Nick works, I stay at home with Ava still, we have begun our venture into the small business world of graphic design and art lessons. We are super busy with things at church and try to spend lots of time with family. We are planning on going to St. Louis for Thankgiving, to be with Nick's dad. They spent so many trips coming down here during Noah's life that we want to go up there and be with them. 

I know that so many people still pray for us often and we are so grateful. Please lift up what God has next for our family. We take things a day at a time, but know that God has plans for us, especially in our business endeavor and we want His hand upon it. There are other things in our hearts that we are asking for favor and blessing in. Trusting God is such an adventure. 

I will leave you with some memories of that first week. Many of you know that the day after Noah's major open heart surgery he went into cardiac arrest and they almost lost him then. There are so many things that happened that first week and without the prayers of so many, we would have lost it. Love you all. Thank you all. 

Blessings,

Noah's mommy

Playing in "the cove"

Grandpa and Ava reading a book

Ava meeting the Cook's Puppy

Harley Socks

He really was a little baby at one point. :)

Noah buried in all his "equipment"

I could tell you what all of those did after awhile. :)

Ava learned to nap anywhere, anytime. 

Finally let go of some fluid and looked normal size. 

Tired, but together. Every weekend was sacred. 

Jewels

Thanks again for all the love, support, encouragement and prayers. We are forever grateful. 

The Cost of Grief

It has been an interesting few weeks. Let me just say that I have learned that material things, earthly issues and matters don't seem near as big of a deal as they did before having Noah. Yet, that does not mean that having to fix the washing machine, the jeep's battery and alternator, getting our roof repaired, going to have to paint the house, get my wisdom teeth out, window repaired, etc. doesn't get annoying. I mean, we're talking around 8 grand in reapairs and upkeep of everyday life. ugh. I think satan tries to use these issues, well, I know he does, to get us in a vulnerable spot. We begin to think poor pitiful me. We even begin to feel that we are entitled to less suffering or less hardship just because we love and serve God.

In fact, I have been going through some deep grieving lately. It is always there, but sometimes it just gets heavier and harder to maintain. While in this valley, you could call it, I discovered I began having this terrible anger problem. I realized I was getting snippy and short with Ava, A LOT. Not just  your typical toddler/mommy spats, but with things that should not have been a big issue, I was flipping out. Simple mistakes made by Nick or myself would result in me getting angry and would throw me into a depressive state for anywhere from a couple of minutes to a day or more. I would try so hard to pray and focus, to remember who hold the future and who held everyday of my past, the one who knows me and still loves me, but I could not shake the anger. I still deal with it. I have confided in some special people in my life and I couldn't be more blessed to have a sister in Seminary, studying Biblical counseling. She sisters me but has some depth and knowledge to her advice and I'm thankful for that. I have decided to seek help with a counselor for some of my deep pain and issues. I suppose I am telling you this because there is surely someone who is facing the depth and darkness of child loss and is trying to function and do it alone, by sheer will or by stubborness. You can't do it. I feel that I have a strong faith, it has gotten me through so much and continues to sustain me in everyday life, yet, having a neutral party who can help me sort through some of my questions and longings, I have realized, does not make me weak or lacking in faith, but makes me human, real and willing to get through this for the sake of myself, my husband and my daughter.

You see, grief is NOT an excuse to sin. Maybe you didn't catch that, but grief is NOT an EXCUSE to SIN. I could easily try to justify my anger, my depression, my ugly words towards nick, inpatient heart towards Ava, my snippy words, bad attitude, harsh judgements, etc by saying I have gone through hell. It feels as if I have, but that is no excuse. If I am to go deeper and know Christ and share in his suffering I feel as if he is taking me to this new level of grace and mercy within the depths of my sinning, to show me that suffering from grief is part of carrying my cross. DAILY.

There will never be a day I do not grieve the loss of my son. ever.

Perhaps when Christ so boldy says, "Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." Matthew 10:37-39 Perhaps, he MEANT it. I'll go out on a limb here and tell you that there are moments when my missing and grieving Noah is more painful that anything and not even scripture seems to heal the wound, but at the same time, God isn't calling me to be happy and comfortable, even in healing. He is calling me to follow him, to press into him, to love him. MORE. THAN. MY. SON. more than Nick. more than Ava. In order for me to be worthy of him, I have to LOVE HIM MORE than the things that mean the most. So, I must lay down the anger and find help to deal with my anger, I must, in my grieving, allow Him to hold me and be enough for me. Because, grieving Noah is not sin. Missing him is not wrong. But, putting that grief and anger ABOVE him IS. Not dealing with it is. I must begin letting him take the anger and entitlement, frustration and the feeling that I deserve good things because I went through the death of my child.

I may not be making any sense, but I have felt more conviction of this and the need to share with others that in our grief, we can begin to put our loved one above God, we can end up worshiping our grief and it begins to make us become obsessed with the grief itself, not letting it be a tool to make us better. I begin to see more clearly now why I have been dealing with such turmoil and agony inside. God continues to use Noah to teach me, to mold me and then to share with you those things. The other night I randomly wrote down that I didn't want to learn anything in my grief or find a way to feel better. I just wanted to wallow in it, be in it, soak it up and let it overwhelm me. That was a trap and I almost fell for it. Don't get me wrong. I can grieve anytime I need to, but I can never have the mindset and attitude that grieving is the answer (always) or that the results of grieving are all ok. Anger is ok, frustration is ok, but sinning in the middle of that, by lashing out at my husband, showing anger and poor reaction to my daughter is not ok, judging others' lives simply by the standard that they haven't lost a child is wrong. God is calling us, even in our loss, to a deeper level and a higher calling. We must grieve and miss our child, but we cannot conform to the world's way of grieving. We must always end in a deeper knowing of God, Christ and His way.
This is a hard word. This is a word that I am even having a hard time digesting and I know that is becasue it is directly from the Lord. Please pray for those you know who are grieving, for those who do not have Christ in their grieving. Be patient with those of us who always talk about our child that is no longer here. Show grace and love as we try to move past the hurt and the feeling of betrayal and move into the beauty of grace. (as most anyone reading this, already does) :)

To those of you grieving alongside me. Please seek counsel when needed. Don't be too proud. Let others help you. For those grieving, who are believers. We must not let our grief become sinful. It only allows satan to create footholds for others, we do not represent Christ's love or his healing and we appear as if we do not actually believe that he is enough for us. I say this in love, as I am living this out, trying to rely on God moment by moment to not let my missing my son become costly to  my daughter. Costing her joy, happiness, a healthy mom, a respected daddy, costing her a childhood of happiness and adventure for one of watching her mother deal with the ups and downs so harshly that she begins to feel it was her fault, in her small, innocent mind. Please reach out. Don't let others watch you destroy yourself, for the sake of the grief and hurt. I know it is real. I still feel it every moment. I am in this with you. Be wise. Press into the Word. Be willing to be held accountable. Do not love your loved one who's gone, more than your Lord. I am. Trying. Join with me and let's give God glory. In. All. Things.

Prayerfully,
Noah's momma

A night like tonight...

I don't want to stop grieving. It is the closest to Noah I have sometimes. That is all. I don't need a pep talk or a sweet saying to help me through the rough patch. I just need to grieve and not feel like I have to learn anything from it or find the good in it. I just want to grieve that my son is not here for me to hold.
For now,
Noah's mommy

Missing Noah

I realized yesterday that in a perfect world, I would have a 1 year old next month. I truly cannot fathom it. A new pain wells up deep within my heart and I ache so much I hardly catch a breath. Did the last year really just go by that fast? The days seemed so long at the time. They would drag on and on. They went in terms of day shift and night shift, Friday nights and Sunday afternoons. The months would come and go and we would realize we were still there. Yet, the days were so long. Another month and we would find the good things to be thankful for and soak up all we could of each other and the little bits of good news and hope. The months since we have all been back home have been fast. We have had lots going on, Ava has been growing by leaps and bounds, daily it seems. We have enjoyed time with family, friends and back at church all the time. We have had a few mini vacations and lots of snuggles. We are still playing catch up on those. But, a YEAR? I am sure that there will be another rambling around that time, but for now, I guess I just want to be in denial. 

I cannot and won't sit here and go through all the what ifs and whys. I will tell you that not a day goes by that I don't think of my baby. Not a day. There are days when missing him makes me better. It makes me take risks and live life fuller. There are days that missing him makes me weep. A lot. There are moments that missing him cleanses me. There are times that missing him makes me thankful. 

Missing Noah has taken a lot of forms and has resulted in various things for me in my life. I won't deny the fact that missing Noah tends to be my form of inspiration these days. Without knowing Noah I would not have had the courage to begin stepping out in faith to follow my dream. Without missing him I would have backed out when my doubts started to cloud my vision. Without missing Noah, I think that I would have stopped listening to God. I have listened to God more in the last year of having Noah in my life, than I EVER had in my entire life previous. I told a dear friend of mine and his wife, in the cool Colorado evening air, as we visited after an evening of worship and the Word, that perhaps Noah was sent to earth, just for me. I have never longed for eternity, never had such a direct means of sharing Christ and never a hunger to keep after Him, than after Noah came. Perhaps even more so after he went. 

The thing about "losing a child" is that it is either a constant reminder of how terrible life is, how ugly life can be, how unfair it all is and how hateful God seems to be towards us. Yet, it can also be a means of grace, a way to the Father, a lesson in love, a message of mercy, a continuing calling to go deeper and climb higher, a way to forever want more of Him, anything to be near my little one. Noah's death keeps me closer to true life. 

That doesn't make it easier, as much as it makes it worth it. Each painful moment gets me one step closer to eternity. Each longing for Noah, keeps me longing for heaven. It keeps me seeking after the places God is and makes me want to be there. 

Worship, in the corporate setting is my healing grace. There were a few moments, during youth camp in Colorado last week, that I felt closer to Noah than since February 22nd. To see young men lift their hands in worship to the Lord, it made me wonder if Noah would have been like them someday, but at the same time it made me realize, he ALREADY is. He IS worshiping, he does have his hands raised in praise and for that I am thankful. 

I may be weak, but your spirit's strong in me. My flesh may fail, but my God you never will. 

God never intended for Noah to be one year old on this earth. Realizing that is hard, but I know that each of our days is numbered and Noah fulfilled his purpose on this earth. The main one, to make Christ famous. The second, to make his mommy seek the Master. 

Good job, sweet son. Job well done. I could not be more proud of you. So, as I get through each day and each hard moment, I'll just soak each one up as a little reminder of the reason I'm still on earth and not with you. 

Missing Noah is something I will never stop doing. That's just fine with me. 

thanks as always, 

Noah's mommy

Our Song

I miss my son. Every moment of every day. Sometimes it is not as evident, even to myself, but the depth of my pain is far beyond what one can just imagine. I do not understand it nor do I wish for anyone else to understand it. It is an odd thing how I can be laughing and playing with my Ava and a second later be curled up weeping, just longing for one more moment with my boy. Tears fall as I write because another month of life has gone by without him here. There are blessings in that, even though it hurts. I realize that him not here, means no more sickness, no more pain, no more misery for him. I get that. I know that. I am thankful for that. I see Ava with others' sweet little ones and she is so in love with babies. She wants to hug them and kiss them, give them toys and hold their hand. She just loves babies and I am certain that somehow she is seeing her bubby in every little baby she meets. In her little mind, it makes sense.
There were times in Noah's little life that I would sing to him. I never sang to Ava. I know, it's weird. People think that since I sing at church I just sing all the time. I don't. I sometimes sing in the car, I never sing in the shower and rarely do I just go around the house or wherever singing. At least I don't catch it. I just never felt the need or desire to sing to Ava. Maybe that's weird. I sang to Noah though. Not all the time, but in quiet moments where it was just him and I in his room. See, in the spring before we even found out we were pregnant, I learned and began to lead a song at our church, orginally written and lead by Lauren Chandler (Pastor Matt Chandler's wife) at Village Church in DFW. It hit home even before our life changed forever. It became an anthem for me. He is faithful. He is gracious. He alone is God. Lauren wrote this song around the time of Matt's brain surgery and health issues. It was an anthem of sorts for her too. It was proclaiming that even in struggle, hardship, suffering and pain that HE IS FAITHFUL. He doesn't change. His character isn't tainted. His love isn't thwarted. He is still God and he is sill good. So, I would hum it to Noah. He would go to sleep and (since I wasn't allowed to fall asleep with him in my arms- rules) I would just watch him sleep and try to find some rest in all forms of the word. spritiually, emotionally, physically. That song is just special. The chorus is written over and over and over in my journal on the page before the day Noah died. It kept me going. It still keeps me going. As we sat in noah's room and waited for him to enter heaven, we held him. It was quiet. Dr. J, us, the chaplain, we all just waited  and waited. I began to hum and sing it over him and it got us through an hour or so. I began to play worship music on my phone and that song came on at one point.  I just closed my eyes and tried to rest again. Trying to soak every single smell, feeling, touch, hand holding, head rubbing, kissing, squeezing and gazing in, that song just calmed the room. It is a moment I will never forget. I'm not sure if sharing it with all who read this is necessary, but I've kept it private enough that it feels right to let y'all in to that secret place. No one ever expects that they will have to make the decision to let their child go or not. You just don't plan for that day. For that moment. For that waiting time. You don't think that will ever be you. How does one live with the fact that they feel that they let their child just die.  For once, I truly did not know how God would let this happen, but knew that letting it happen was the only way to heal my son, be obedient to Him and somehow move into the next season of life God had for me. For us. It was always us. It IS still always us.

I love my church. We are a close family, yet there are new people coming in all the time. The anniversary of our church was this last weekend and I was asked to lead the song. I had led it so many times before I left for Ft. Worth, yet, I had not since I came back. I didn't make it through practice. I wept. In front of the whole worship team and choir. It was odd. I felt like I could do it and then just couldn't. I prayed. I worked on it. I struggled with doing it at all.
Monday of last week, I got an update on my phone about Madison. We were at VBS and everyone was dancing and singing. I was in the very back weeping. Sweet Madison had gone to Jesus. How in the world would I sing Noah and I's song in a few days with the freshness of it all coming back to mind and heart and so many new emotions surfacing? I told Debbie no. I wouldn't be able to get through it. She called me Wednesday. She asked if I had thought and prayed about it anymore and what I thought. I said I would do it. So, I had committed and would have to follow through. I asked for prayer from my Bible study ladies and my family. It would be such a hard weekend, but I just had that unction from the Lord that I needed to get past whatever I was afraid of and do it. I realized this weekend that I have been afraid that if I got through that song, publically, and didn't cry or "feel" through it then it wouldn't mean anything anymore. It would just be another worship song or another chorus. It wasn't true. Singing it, leading it, getting through it as our entire church worshiped along was, indeed, better than hiding. It made it even that more special because I wasn't singing it as a reminder to get me through (although it still is) I was declaring it as a testimony. HE REALLY IS FAITHFUL. HE REALLY IS GRACIOUS. HE REALLY IS GOD.
My son died 4 months ago. He is faithful. My son died 4 months ago. He is gracious. My son died. He is God.
Here is the point. Without the gospel of Christ. I would not be able to get up every day. I would not be able to raise my daughter. I would not be able to look at someone else or their baby boy and not want to curl up and weep somewhere in complete pain and jealousy. If I did not have the hope of Christ, I would not have a reason to have joy, despite my hurt, to serve, even when it stings, to love even when I feel forgotten. Christ came and died in my place so I could have a home in heaven. WITH MY SON. I suppose heaven, eternity, eternal life, my need for Christ has never been so magnified than since my son died. Maybe part of God's plan all along was to draw me closer and many others, to Him and His reality of our need for Him. I have known him my whole life, but I am not sure I have ever NEEDED him like I have the last 4 months. Well, last 14 months. This journey is hard, long, rough and I would not wish it on my worst enemy, but I am thankful that through every hurdle I have learned something out of it and can add it to my healing. A new stitch is sewn.

I cannot finish this without thanking my church family. I am not sure y'all even realize how supportive, loving and precious you are to me. Some of you knew my struggle this weekend and some of you didn't. It never matters how much I hurt or cry or need to just stop singing and soak it all in, y'all are so accepting, loving and gracious to me through every step. Y'all encourage me, support me, push me and love me through every turn and I am thankful. We could not get through all of this without y'all.

I am thankful for this entire journey and I am thankful tonight for knowing The Stories. Matt, Amanda and Madison. Y'all will forever be a part of our journey and I am certain that Noah was one of the first to take her hand and show her all around. What precious little lives they had and they are continuing to spread God's truth and love throughout. love y'all.

Be blessed.
Noah's mommy

dowload the song, You Are Faithful, from itunes (village church's album, God of Victory) it's worth your .99 cents!

Nothing is Impossible for You...except that.

It seems as though I have multiple friends who have recently been dealt a hand of grief lately. A couple of sweet friends from years past have both lost their mother. A friend I have never met in person, but feel close to in so many ways, lost her son to a Congenital Heart Defect. I say lost, because I just don't have another word for it, even though I know where they all are.  Death is such a big elephant in the room type thing and it is feels good to talk about it here and there without tip toeing around the whole subject to not offend or draw attention. This little blog started a little over a year ago. It has been a release for me. That is exactly what it is being used for in this post. Release. Maybe you'll benefit from it, maybe not, but here it is.
 I remember the day we found out about Noah's heart condition. I am quite certain that I grieved his death in that moment and the evening to follow. Without knowing he would die for sure(so soon anyway) the pain I felt was like no other.  I remember curling up in a ball and weeping. All the whys, what ifs and if onlys went through my heart and mind. I bucked up the next morning, got into the Word and found some scriptures that sustained me as I had to continue to carry Noah, then deliver Noah and go through what I truly thought would be the rest of a long life. I turned my doubts into faith driven prayers and went forward. Forward. Every single day of 9 longs months. This past Friday Noah would have  been 8 months old. I'm sure Ava would be teaching him all sorts of fun things, words and songs about now.

Death. Death can ravage a person's faith. There are days that it still takes its toll on me. A few weeks ago our associate pastor preached a word that completely wrecked me and interrupted what I thought was a "plateau" in my grieving process (or whatever they call it). His sermon was an incredible one, powerful and straight forward about not limiting God, about praying audacious prayers of bold faith, not for our glory but for Christ's glory. That God is the God of the impossible. ALL things are possible with him.
See, at the very start of this grieving process I was very forward and open about how "good" this was and how "healing" this was for Noah. (please know that I am not going back and changing my mind or my heart towards this) Noah was completely healed, ultimately and forever. Here is where I'm going with this. I was so sure and knew that if I could keep "making it ok"  in my mind that if I just went on adrenaline and even relief I could get through the shock of it all and the weirdness of it. Every story of grief is different and for me, there were a few moments of relief in it all. Sometimes there still are. To be completely honest. So, I was going along, full of faith and thankfulness amongst the tears, amongst the grief and deep pain I was dealing with daily. I jumped back on worship team, I jumped back into stay at home wife and mom mode, I jumped back into daily life. The further away from Noah's death I get, the harder it gets to hold on to the "healing" and "he's not suffering anymore" junk. I mean come on. My child died. He's not here. He will never be here again. He died. I held him as he took his last breath. Why is this ok? And Lord, WHY DID YOU NOT HEAL HIM? Thousands of people were asking in FAITH, FOR HIS NAME AND FOR GOD'S GLORY. This apparently was impossible for you. This was too much for you to handle God. Thanks. You can raise Lazarus from the dead, but can't fix my child's heart. ok. That's cool. I guess I'll just go ahead and worship, praise and love you still. (yes, with that attitude) Go back to that solid sermon I heard. It seemed perfect for someone who just got a raise, or had a new healthy baby, or who went and the cancer test was negative. Awesome wonderful sermon for people who don't ask big prayers, who don't think he can do big things for them. Way to pump people up for BIG prayers and huge movements of God for his fame........

Then there's ol me, sitting in the back, weeping because my God didn't come through. He didn't do the impossible. He let the expected thing happen. He let my son die. Having to get up with the worship team and help lead them in the chorus "nothing is impossible for you, nothing is impossible. Nothing is impossible for you. You hold my world in your hands" was a turning moment for me. Ok Lord. Sure. No problem. Let me just set all of my attitude, cynicism, frustration and HURT aside and "worship"... What heart ache and pain it was for me to sing out "nothing is impossible for you" when just a few months before he let my son die. Deep deep pain wanted to bellow out. I wanted to go hide in a hole and not pretend that I actually believed that chorus.  (oh ya, it was Mother's day) The rest of the day through that Wednesday, I just ached, didn't want to feel better, be better or "get over it". I decided I needed to talk to someone. See, Nicholas is my person and he gets through every hard moment with me. All of them. Always. But, I needed some extra help. My sweet friend and worship pastor Debbie sat with me and let me be mad, let me get out some frustrations and questions. Let me tell her all I was dealing with and yet at the same time how I still trusted the Lord through every question, oddly enough. How was it that I could be so angry with him and yet still only want Him? He's truly more than enough. So we prayed. I left with such a burden lifted.

So, is nothing impossible for him? Yes. It is true. I do not have all the correct theological answers for you. I do not have lots of scriptures to give you in this moment. I know he stopped the sun once. I know he did, in fact, raise Lazarus from the dead. I know He kept his faithful safe in an ark as he flooded the entire earth. I know that he protected and provided for a couple of teenagers as they delivered the savior, His son, into the world. I just know that even though my son died, God is still God. He is still in control. He is still loving. He is still the same God who saved me, saved you. Why does God choose to not answer the way we beg, wish and plead for? Why does my baby die, but that baby live? I do not understand God's ways and the ONLY answer that I have truly come to cling to lately is that, God is God. His ways are not my ways. This KEEPS HIM GOD. This keeps him from being "swayed" one way or the other, like shifting sands. Like us. It keeps him from being like us. I suppose, that is enough. Through all the deep grief, questions and emotional turmoil, if I continue to trust him, seek him and long for him through it all, the reward is Him, himself. God himself becomes my reward, my answer. Whether in life and all its hardships, in death and all its pain, in sickness and its terror, in health and its joy. The covenant between God and myself will never be broken by him. Even when I disagree with his ways. God is God. As flakey as some may think that is, it is the only real answer I have for my struggles as of late. It's enough for me. In fact, as I let my anger and questioning go, placed trust before me, asked for someone to hold me up for awhile and then leaned into him, even though I am fragile, He never fails. He is always there to hold me, hear me yell, accuse and question him. He takes the junk I spit at him and wipes my eyes to clear my blindness to his grace. As the same pastor preached today, He sets The Spirit as a seal upon me, that I. AM. HIS. Noah is his. God didn't betray me, ignore me or turn his back on me. Even though it feels like it sometimes. The truth is, that God is God. There is no other. If I trust him I have to trust him with EVERYTHING. I don't get to pick and choose what I trust Him in or what I don't trust Him in. It is all or nothing, hot or cold. If I trust him with the easy stuff, that is just it. Easy. He never promised it would be easy. He promised He would never leave. He promised He would never forsake. THAT IS A PROMISE. He will never forsake. When it feels like He does forsake. Hold on to that promise. More than that, hold on to the one who promises.
I am at another level place right now. Another plateau on this journey. Finding out about another "sweetheart" passing away has been hard today. Seeing all the sweet new babies in church is hard every single weekend. Seeing all the babies on FB, all the friends with babies....they are everywhere. It's like when you want to be pregnant and struggle to (as we did with ava) everyone seems pregnant....it's that same concept. God is gracious though. I do not desire a baby right now in this place in life. I desire to have my Noah in my arms, not another. God is so gentle and gracious with me, through Nick, through family and friends. He is healing. He is loving. He is so gracious.
Just a little update on life in general. Ava turns two in 2 weeks. AMAZING! We are SO excited about her party and celebrating that milestone. She is so very smart. She can sing her ABC's, count to 10, she is saying tons of sentences, she asks questions, is a great eater, she is so funny and goofy (imagine that), she is just the light of our life. Other than that, life is pretty normal. We prayed for that. I am thankful and remembering that we asked, for many months, to be together again, to have a normal pace of life again, to live under the same roof again, to not be strung out and in pain all the time. God is faithful. He truly is. We are thankful. We are so grateful for the continued prayers, support and love that are constantly poured over us, still. We are thankful for those who remind us that Noah is not just a fleeting memory or even forgotten. I am especially grateful for those who tell me, still, what they love about Noah, what God did through him, etc.

Thank you. Much love and many blessings to all.
Please lift up little Kimble's family as they learn to do life without their little man here on earth.

Noah's mommy

Nurses Week

It feels like years have gone by since Noah passed away. It really feels like forever. Being back in Ft. Worth reminded me that we really did have a son, I really did live in Ft Worth for 5 months, Noah really did live his entire life in a hospital and finally it reminded me that God has blessed me beyond measure with some amazing friends because of it all. God placed some awesome people in our life through Cook Children's Medical Center and I am forever thankful. Being back in FW didn't make me feel sad or weird, but it did sting a bit. Mainly because I didn't have this overwhelming burden upon me. Noah was not ever a burden to me, just the heaviness of a severely sick child was burdening on my heart and mind. Every time someone would try to take us to dinner or we would go out and try to relax or take our minds off things, I couldn't ever get my mind off of it all and I would feel so guilty for leaving the hospital. I remember the sad Sunday afternoons of saying goodbye to Nick and Ava. There were so many things that were different this trip. Going to the hospital was so great and we were able to say hi to some staff and thank them again.  At the same time, I was able to walk out without leaving my baby boy in there. I know he's perfect and whole now. We have been so incredibly blessed by the grace and friendship of our sweet nurses and doctors. God truly has used them to help me in this process since we said "see ya later" to Noah. The care and concern they show me is irreplaceable and they are some of the ones that actually understand parts of the journey in ways no one else does. There are so many doubts and questions that continue to run through my mind here and there. Sometimes I wonder if we did everything we could, if we made the right decisions, if we pushed things or didn't push things enough. I know the enemy wants me to sit and doubt and question because it makes God seem incapable, uncaring and distant. I know that is not the truth. I know that the doctors we had there treated Noah as if he were their own child and I cannot imagine it any other way. I'm thankful. I suppose that going back to Ft Worth might have been the reason I had such a rough day yesterday, but I also know that the bad days just show up sometimes without a reason at all. When I get to missing Noah more I get unfocused, selfish and whiny. I know some people would say I get a free pass on those days, and maybe that's true, but I don't think it is a good habit to get in and I have to truly look at my faith, my heart and my application of the Word in my life when the bad days come. The bad days will not stop coming, for the rest of my life I will have bad days of missing my son. They will get further between, but they will not go away. I have to ask God now to help train me to use those bad days for His good and not wallow in a hole of self pity and dispair. Don't get me wrong, I let it out and cry and be sad. I don't need to be reminded that I need to not bottle it all in. haha. I really do get my emotion and sadness out. I just realized yesterday that being rude to my husband, snapping at my daughter and telling myself I am worthless and lazy doesn't bring glory to God nor does it bring Noah back. None of my pity parties will ever bring him back, but when I find ways to serve the Lord, I do feel closer to him.

A month or so before we found out we were pregnant, our worship leader, Debbie, had me learn a song called, "You Are Faithful". Matt Chandler, pastor of The Village Church in DFW was going through a severe illness and his wife Lauren wrote this worship song during their trials. It spoke to me heavily as I learned it, not even realizing just how big of an impact that song would have down the road. I've blogged about it before. The song is powerful and has a huge message, in such a simple format. I love it. The song became Noah and I's lullaby of sorts. I always hummed it or sang it to him to help calm him down, or just as we snuggled in the chair. The day we gave Noah back to the Lord, we held him and held him. I'll never forget that room, the way the chair was set up next to all the machines and stuff. The chaplain, one of the most honest and trustworthy doctors I've ever met, Nick, myself and Noah were all in the room, waiting. I don't think any of us really felt that it would be a long process for Noah to go home, yet we waited and waited. I decided I would hum our song. I hummed and sort of sang, through a broken and crackly voice as he calmly laid in my lap. Nick and I would take turns holding him and loving on him. No breathing machine, no noise, just us. I suppose that was one of the most holy times of worship for us. There is nothing like being in a room where Jesus is present. I remember when my Mimi passed away, I physically felt Jesus in the room. You could cut the peace and assurance with a knife. It was much the same way with Noah. The song You Are Faithful came on my ipod last night while I was cooking dinner. Nick and Ava were at the store and so it was just me. I had one of those moments because I have purposely not played that song for over 2 months now. I have not heard that song, since I heard it play in noah's room that day. It came on and after the last line was sung, it was like a newness came over me, after a day of complete frustration and emotion, I just had this moment where God said, "I am faithful, I am gracious, I alone am God". (such a beautiful and simple chorus)
I suppose I could have slept at the hospital every night, never left his room, never go outside, etc etc. I could have neglected all others to be with him every second, but I realize now that God has always had him in his hands and that every time I was away from him, he was taken care of by some of the most precious people I've ever known. There was a nurse I could get mad with. She let me complain, be mad, cuss when needed (yes i know). I could hate and question, lay it out plainly and she would encourage me and remind me that I was doing the best I could and was the best mom for Noah. Thank you. There were times, sometimes late in the night, when a few of the nurses and I would visit about their kids, they helped take my mind off of things. They would share their lives with me. There was a goofball nurse who would always make me laugh. He and Noah were quite the pair. Such buds. There were nurses who called on their day off, to check on Noah, especially near the end. Even the respiratory people and child life staff would treat me like one of the family.  There were even times when I would realize that I had an entire conversation about the Lord, his sovereignty, plan and care for Noah, the gospel, medicine/faith issues, with one of his physicians. There were moments when I was told, by a physician that Noah was being prayed for at the kitchen table, that he was being talked about to their kids, that a spouse was praying as well. When I tell you Noah had special care, I  mean it. I will never be able to thank those special people enough. Remembering those things helps mend my heart.

I can't live in guilt, I can't live in the past. As I learn how life looks after Noah, part of it looks very bright because the people who knew him like I did, are still in my life. There are many things ahead that will be wonderful even though Noah isn't here with us. There are opportunities to share Christ, make Him known, change lives, touch lives, and help other families who's little heart babies are here on earth and need care. The more I live in the what ifs and whys I cannot make a difference in the now and future.
I guess the trip to FW was bittersweet, but mostly it was another stitch in the mending process. I know not everyone is as blessed as us to have such amazing people and relationships as we have had. I also know that not everyone has the support system we do.
So, if I seem just a bit obsessed with "noah's staff" it's because knowing them and getting to love on them, keeps me serving, loving, hopeful and moving forward, not stuck in the past or in a pit. I look forward to seeing all that God does in the future, especially at Cook Children's Medical Center and how we will be involved.

So, today has been a new day. Productive, happy, blessed and calm. New mercies are available. His grace is sufficient. Thanks to God's faithfulness, graciousness and sovereignty, Noah is whole and home, and I am not lacking in anything.

Psalm 63:3 - Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you.

Thanks and love,
shaina

So, happy nurses week to my friends, now family. love to y'all, always.