The Awkward Silence

This particular post has been stewing for awhile. Today, of all days, I post it, even though today is not a day that I'm "ok". With that said...

Is it ok to be ok?

I think so....

 

Do I want to cry everyday? Sometimes.

Do I feel like slowly the world is forgetting that he lived, that he was a part of this life?

Sure do.

Do I now have a deeper wisdom when it comes to seeing these kind of situations from the outside looking in?

Absolutely.

Can I ever cry enough to bring him back?

If I could, he would be here.

 

 

 

For awhile I was the girl who was pregnant with a baby with heart problems, then I was the mother with a baby that had heart problems, next I was the mother of a baby who died of heart problems, and now... Well, I'm at an odd place.  It's been over long enough that life has moved on, there is no need to blog or update everyone or even ask for prayer anymore(at least like I did) I always wondered about the day when I wouldn't "need" you all so much. (But maybe I really do because so many continually tell me that they pray for me often) I was driving down the road the other day and the thought, "I'm glad he died" made it's presence known in my mind and it caught me off guard. For the last 19 months I have been trying to learn to be ok with the fact that he did pass away and suddenly out of no where, I am glad he died? I immediately explored that thought and prayed, "Lord, what am I even saying?!" Later in the week I came across a picture on Instagram of another heart baby's "9am meds"... There are 11 meds laid out in their doses ready to give her. It occurred to me that that would have been my life. My baby boy would be on lots of meds, all the time and would be forever. You know I'm not saying that I wouldn't do it everyday of my life if I could. If Noah were here, alive, and he needed that many meds, more surgeries, constant medical attention etc, you know we would do it, everyday of our lives and we would be thankful he was here with us. I can tell you that I would drive 6 hours one way to be at his Dr's or we would have moved to Ft. Worth. I would have been there everyday, trying to make his world as happy and functional as possible. Trust me, I would have. If he were here we would do all we would have to do and all we could do to make his life an incredible one.

 

But he's not.

He. Is. Not. Here.

 

You want the honest truth?

I am glad he's whole.

I am glad he's healed.

I am glad I'm not administering 11 medications multiple times a day.

I am glad he will never have to endure another heart surgery. Ever.

I am glad he won't have to ever deal with why his body failed him from the start.

I am glad that he has won his race.

 

With that being said, I've come to an odd place in grief. It comes much less than it used to, life is at a normal place again. Not to say we will ever be the same as we were before, definitely better, but not the same. Yet, I don't have to write every week to try to let people know what's going on in my heart and in our life. I don't have any new followers on here, no profound wisdom flowing from the most recent lesson learned in the grieving process, and that is ok. It means that grief has taken it's hardest toll and we are coming into a season of healing and renewal.

 

There are moments when I want to grab the world's attention and say "hey, don't you remember him?" "See him?" "See how amazing he was!" "See how handsome and perfect he was" "he died, remember????" "Still over here figuring out how life works when you had to bury your child" ..... Silence.

 

There are also moments when I want to remind people to hold their children tighter and to never take for granted the blessing of a healthy child. Some days my heart just aches because so many children in this world do not have someone to love them and I want to fix it all. I want every child to know and feel the love my son received, not just from myself or nick but from the masses of people who were touched by him. I want all of that love to somehow touch kids that don't have it. Lord, please.

 

So, my goal these days is to not feel guilty for not grieving all the time, for having more good days than bad, and for not trying make people remember him or that it happened to us. I want to be changed by him forever, yet I don't have to force all that's happened onto anyone and even myself. I don't have to always think about him or the life he lived. It doesn't dishonor him to move forward in life.

 

I still grieve. I always will. Every September. Every February. Every Mother's Day. Every holiday. Every normal day. Every day; in it's own way. It could be a small thing that brings up an ocean of tears onto a shore of memories. It could be anything. Most things make me think of him, but not all of those things make me want to curl up in a ball and weep anymore. I do not have as many days that I want to stay in bed and sleep all day.

There is too much life to live to wallow. He is still in my life, everyday. It's ok that he isn't a part of everyone else's.

Life is moving forward, getting brighter and easier to do.

Noah has been gone far longer than he was here. I'm learning that's how life will look like for awhile to come; until the next season of healing comes. Taking things a day at a time and knowing that because I am better at being me, I will never forget that boy or what he means to me.

 

The commotion has settled, the craziness of it all is about over and this momma is left here in this awkward silence.

 

Silence is hard for me. (Yes, Nick, I admit it. Mom and Dad, yes I know. Sorry I'm not sorry for the years of constant chatter haha!) Silence just is not my gift, it makes me awkward and uncomfortable. I want to pipe in, say something, fill the space and save the day. ha! This silence I am in the middle of is not one that I can pipe up in the middle of and really make it any less awkward. I have hit this place where people know (and lots of people don't know) that Noah lived and died. God and I don't have much to say on it anymore, I'm dealing less with the why and settling into the answers God has given me and am learning to surrender to them. This quietness is humbling. It's not about us anymore (it never was in terms of us ever choosing that this would happen), but things automatically become focal and all attention is drawn to your family/child because people are genuinely interested and want to pray and support, but also people are nosey. No one asks anymore and that IS OK. No one needs to. That is a place that I have prayed for, yet now that it is here, it can be lonely. I say this, not to draw attention to us, but to reach out to the ones who are dealing with this as well. I know that just because life is normal again for the world, it is not and will never be all the way normal for you. I understand that and know that our new normal will always have it's sting. Just know that someone understands this weird place and is going through it with you. Learn to reach out. I am trying to learn that. I cannot be self reliant when it comes to this grief thing and neither can you. Be encouraged and know that just because it seems as though people have forgotten and life has returned to normal, your loved one (especially children) are never truly forgotten and we as parents will never know the extent of how their lives and stories are reaching people. I'm certain that he is talked about and thought of more than I will ever actually know. I rest in that when the silence gets unbearable. Press on!

Noah's mommy

 

Rock of Ages

There is a sweet woman, whom I never did get the chance to meet, who is enjoying the pleasures of eternal bliss in heaven as I type. The children's minister at our church has been on a rather long journey as her grandmother has had a long "road home". Her death this week was expected, although, not easy in the least. She was a strong matriarch and woman of faith in her family and her life. I knew this without ever meeting her because Keena has told me of her grandmother's legacy. As she asked me to sing at the memorial service, a hymn was suggested and I was not particularly familiar with it. I looked it up and it has a very simple melody. The words are ones that run deep through my soul though and I wanted to share with you. This hymn was written during a heavy storm, in the late 1700's as a gentleman was taking shelter from the storm under a cleft of rocks in England. He wrote the first line on a playing card and the rest is history.

Rock of Ages, cleft for me,
Let me hide myself in Thee;
Let the water and the blood,
From Thy wounded side which flowed,
Be of sin the double cure,
Safe from wrath and make me pure

Not the labor of my hands
Can fulfill Thy law's demands;
Could my zeal no respite know,
Could my tears forever flow,
All for sin could not atone;
Thou must save, and Thou alone.

Nothing in my hand I bring,
Simply to Thy cross I cling;
Naked, come to Thee for dress;
Helpless, look to Thee for grace;
Foul, I to the fountain fly;
Wash me, Saviour, or I die.

While I draw this fleeting breath,
When mine eyes shall close in death,
When I rise to worlds unknown,
See Thee on Thy judgement throne,Rock of Ages, cleft for me,
Let me hide myself in Thee. 

The words run so deep throughout my heart as it is such a blunt and clear description of the gospel and our deep need for it. What beauty in, "let me hide myself in thee". 

There are such vivid pictures in my head of what I think heaven will be like, of what Noah is doing up there and I like to think that he met Lillian with a big running leap and said, your Keena knew my momma!!! They would sit and visit about us and how much they love us... my imagination runs and I smile at the thought. 

Death is such an interesting event. The finality of it all and yet the mystery of eternity. The legacy of a long and well lived life of faith is something to be celebrated and we will do that Saturday for her. I feel so sad that I  never met Lillian, but she has marked my heart in a special way and now I know why Keena is such a servant and Christ centered woman of God who deeply desires children to know Jesus. Praise God for the Lillians in this world who have fought the good fight of faith and have won!!! Thank God for the Noah's who have done the same, just in a much shorter amount of time. God is complete and fully present in each of these lives and only his way and his hands can make such sense out of a place of such questioning and wonder. Thank you Lord for your salvation that is our only hope in all of this world. May you cover Lillian's family and hold them close as they grieve her departure. May you continue her legacy through her family. Praise God for His unfailing shelter, salvation and security in all of life's storms. 

hopeful, 

Noah's mommy

A Heart Momma's 10 Ways to Live After Child Loss

 Grief is such a ongoing process that sneaks up on you sometimes. Grief isn't always crying or being sad. Sometimes, I have found recently, grief comes in the form of an attitude or a mindset. I found myself griping about every little thing today and suddenly it dawned on me that I had been fighting grief for a few days and I could no longer hide it or keep it bottled in. Once I dealt with it, I could have a refreshed mind and heart. I am learning to give myself grace. My husband sure does, as well as family and friends, especially my church body.



If you are grieving, give yourself space to calm yourself and collect yourself when things seem to jumble up into a big ball. Whether you face a big family function, an event with lots of people who don't understand or just an evening alone where you don't have to hide and then everything comes up and out.... let it happen. Quit trying to be ok. I'm learning to not be so hard on myself with this and to just let the grief come and go as it needs to. I also urge you to be honest with your spouse or close friend, family, etc so they know it is the grief that is spurring on moments of anger, sadness, fear, anxiety, and whatever other emotions you seem to deal with at the time.
There isn't a right or wrong way to get through it. Just a moment at a time. The best way to get through it, in my opinion, is with Christ, His word, and those people He places in your life that don't push you.

So, with that said. I have thought about some of the ways I have dealt with my grief, in this second year since he died. (that is just crazy that is has already been over a year)

1. Journal- this helped me in the hospital while Noah was alive and it has helped me since he died. There are times when I do not journal for weeks, sometimes I switch journals and then tear out the pages and tape them in order in the current journal. Sometimes I draw in my journal, sometimes I just write my feelings, pray, make lists, jot down ideas, etc. It is my own space to be totally honest, not pretend to be ok, and just release things from my mind. At times I have been known to unload in the harshest of ways in my journal because it is safe. Let this be a way you de-clutter your mind and heart.

2. Church- if you are a believer, you must be involved and committed to the body of Christ. It is not always easy. I will tell you that there have been times, while at church, that I have broken down, but in my church, I haven't ever felt out of place or weird. I have always been loved on and supported.
(if you need a place like this, let me know and I will get you connected here at Family Life) Whether it is during baby dedication day, just seeing sweet little baby boys in our church, babies in general, whatever, if I am hurting, I have support. I can go by the office anytime for prayer, to talk, or to just visit. Also, serving others, even in your own grieving time, helps. It really does. It gets your focus off of your grief and your hurt and turns your attention to others and what you can do for them.

3. Small Group- this goes along with church, but if you do not have a small group/life group/home group or Sunday school class or group of women you can meet with regularly, find one. This helps in so many ways. You can be connected to people, who may not understand your grief, but they have life events that have happened, they have a love for you, for coming around you in prayer, etc and can support you. This is important even if you haven't gone through grief, just life can be hard and you need support in a small group environment.

4. Outreach- find ways to remember your loved one, by serving in their name, staying connected to things they loved or were involved in, and giving back in honor of them. We still love to go to Cook Children's Medical Center and take treats to the Cardiac ICU. We love to give to Ronald McDonald House in Noah's memory and we love to reach out and tell Noah's story here on our blog and on our FB page, A Momma's Heart, so that heart families can feel connected and that someone understands where they are at, somehow.

5. Fun- find ways to have fun. Do not feel guilty for having fun either. You must find ways to spend time with family and friends. I have found that nail painting night with the girls is refreshing, relaxing and I even have moments to share my heart if needed, with women that love me and don't mind if I'm having a hard day. Family fun nights are always nice. A movie night, time at the park, doing a craft, working in the yard, whatever you can find to do, do it and soak up the moments.

6. Crying- Do it. Let it out. Don't bottle it in or stifle your pain. Let them flow, freely. The only way to keep growing in your faith, through the pain, to let out the struggle and to feel unburdened is to let the tears come. My Dad taught me that tears are words from the Holy Spirit - (In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. Romans 8:26)

7. Dream- Don't feel like just because your child died that you cannot ever have a good life again. I am learning that I must keep dreaming, setting goals and pushing myself to better things, BECAUSE of my child and his life. If I just sat around sad and mopey about my life all the time, I would be doing such an dishonor to my son and his life. He fought every day for his life and he was an amazing little yet mighty warrior. Why wouldn't I fight every day of my life for greatness, for betterment and for what God wants for me and my family. Christ calls us to do our best, plus some. I do not want to muddle through life, complaining and thinking that nothing will ever change or I will be in some suffering hole for the rest of my earthly days. Make the most of each day and when the hard days come, try to find the blessings, but rest in the fact that each new day starts with new mercies.

8. Holidays- Make new traditions, keep old ones. Mother's Day is approaching and I can't help but think about all the mothers who are still grieving the loss of their child. Last year, a friend of ours, who was in the middle of an adoption process wrote in her blog of this subject and it was beautiful. Holidays can be burdensome and tough, but I am trying to work, this week, on how I am going to approach it. Everyone will be posting their Mother's Day pictures of their own mothers, of their children giving them breakfast in bed, flowers they got, cards and treats. In all of this, I can't help but scream in my spirit that I DON'T GET TO HAVE ALL OF MY CHILDREN HERE WITH ME. IT'S NOT FAIR. But, if I can deal with that early this week, with the Lord and prepare myself for some of that emotion and hardship, I can approach this Mother's Day with grace and be thankful that I have TWO children. Whether or not one is here or not doesn't make me any less of his mother. So I will go on and on about both of my children, as much as I possibly can, forever! Christmas, Thanksgiving, birthdays, anniversaries.... THEY GIVE YOU REASON TO CELEBRATE, BAKE THINGS, PLAN A PARTY, USE SPRINKLES, BUY A NEW OUTFIT, SURPRISE SOMEONE, GIVE SOMEONE HURTING A SPECIAL GIFT OR JUST A HUG. Use holidays to make much of your life! I plan to make this Mother's Day a happy one, for SO many reasons.

9. Spousal support- Grief and child loss can reek havoc on a marriage if you let it. Nick and I are still in the middle of dealing with lots of different aspects of grief and "moving on" after child loss. So much of the grief does come from my side of our marriage, at least in the most obvious ways such as emotions, struggle with guilt, deep pains to hold my son, questioning myself in all the decisions we had to make. So much of my grief is personal  to the point that I question if I was punished for something in my life, with having to lose a child. So much of grief is dealing with all of that and to have a spouse that is so supportive in those times is vital. On the other hand, I have had to apologize and tell Nick that I had not realized how mean I had gotten, how snippy and rude I had been. We have to be aware of ourselves in our grief, so that we do not push away the people we need the most. I have learned to recognize Nick's needs more as well, when I am aware of how I am dealing with my grief at the time. I won't speak for Nick, in detail, but I know that so much of his grieving was happening during Noah's life. He could not be with Noah all the time like I was, he was still working full time, being a single dad to Ava at home, traveling every weekend, etc. He dealt with so much while Noah was alive, that when he died, Nick automatically felt some relief because he knew Noah was healed and whole, I could come back home and be a part of our family again, Ava had her mommy back home and Nick had wholeness again. That doesn't mean he doesn't grieve the loss of our son, his son. It just means that we grieve differently. I have recognized that and it has helped me to not question his strength or lack of emotion. Learn to communicate your needs and your struggles so your spouse can help you and know where you are at.

10. Gratitude- Be thankful. Even in the midst of the darkest days of your grieving, find SOMETHING to be thankful for. Find something that you are grateful for and focus your heart. There are times when I get so jealous of families who have alive, healthy and whole babies, especially little boys. I immediately have to focus my heart and be thankful that my son no longer suffers, his eternity is secure and I will get to be with him again. I have to remember how much Noah did in his short life to inspire and make great the name of God. I have to remember how much Noah has and continues to do for myself and others. He inspires, encourages, convicts and brings joy. Still. Find the things in your life that bless it and thank God for them! Ava, my sunshine and right hand girl .I thank God for her and her endless joy, laughter and brightness. God knew to give her to me first so I would have a constant joy, precious hugs, kisses and sweet words of encouragement. I am thankful for my husband who provides for us, makes me laugh, keeps me grounded and never ceases to love our little girl. I'm thankful for family and their endless support and love. I'm thankful for friends and their gracious hearts and kind spirits when I am down and hurting. I am thankful for our church who constantly teaches us to worship and be thankful, to press into Him and to share Him with others. They love us and our son. I am so thankful for all of these things. How can I stay sad all the time with so much to be thankful for? So, stay focused on gratitude.

I pray that you find some of this to be helpful. I am certain that God continues to teach me so I can share with you. If we can help you get through a rough patch, let us know. You can contact us through the blog. If we can share our entire story with you, your small group or church, we would love to share our son and our story so that Christ can be lifted high. Let us know how we can minister to you in anyway.

Noah's momma

Mine

He was mine. Well, he was never really mine, but, while he was on earth, he was in the way that our children always are. They are ours, they are our responsibility, a priority, our joy, sometimes our frustration, even from day one. They are the Lord's, but they are ours. Sometimes I forget that Noah was mine. I forget that I carried him inside my womb for 9 months, I sat by his beside for 5 months, I was the first one to hold him. I was the one to hold him when he died. He was mine. A precious woman and dear friend/sister in Christ sent this to me today.

 Love your perspective having "lost" Noah. He is not lost, and how exciting for the men who will find that same hope today! Every time you pour into someone else, pray for someone else, turn yourself off for a weekend and selflessly give to others, you are sharing, honoring, and continuing Noah's impact. I always want to say "you make Noah proud" but I am not really sure how that works. I do know, that if Noah was here and could physically grow up with you as his mother, how incredibly blessed he would be, just like Ava. Even though Noah doesn't get to grow up on this earth, he was able to grow inside of you for 9 months, completely fulfilled and sustained by your body. He then felt your touch and heard your voice and constant encouragement for the remainder of his life. Your bond was incredible and I pray you still feel it as tangibly today as you did when you could touch his face. I know for a fact, that what Noah experienced as your son amounted to much more than just years or time. It was an immeasurable bond. I hope that doesn't sound insensitive or like "at least you got to have…." That is by no means what I mean. What I do mean is that his influence is strong and tangible and I see it in his momma every day. 

 

Wow. Truly, I just sat at my desk and cried because sometimes I forget that Noah was a person, not just a story, not just a legacy, not just a witness, not just a heart patient, but my son. my baby, my precious little piece of Nick and myself that God made, to bless our life with. I am thankful that for 14 months, Noah and I were together, 9 of those in the most secret place, where he was "healthy" and his body didn't have to work so hard. I know that as the years go by, people will think less about Noah and that is normal, that is fine and that is expected. What I also know, is that the more I let God work in me and through me, the more I recognize grief as a way to draw closer to the Father and that all Noah did in my life continues to shape me, he will be thought of often. Overall, he will always be mine. I've said it before, but there are days I know that God sent Noah just for me. For that, I am deeply grateful, thankful and will continue to always strive to be shaped and molded by the journey we had with him.

 

Thank you to those who remind me that Noah was my baby boy and that he will always be a part of many people's lives, but I will always and forever know that beyond all he "did for others", he was still just MY sweet baby boy.

 

Have a blessed day.

Noah's momma

The Blue Twisty Ladder

"but, I can't Daddy!!", she squealed with a twinge of fear in her voice. She could climb up all the ladders on the playground except for one. This swirl of blue poles created a cylinder shaped ladder and she would not have anything to do with it. Her daddy tried numerous times to convince her that she was capable and able to climb that ladder, but she would not have any part of it. He finally convinced her to at least try it out and assured her that he would be right there to help her. "but, I can't, I can't, Daddy!!" she would exclaim, all while being half way up the ladder. Her daddy enthusiastically let her know, "you're ALREADY DOING IT, Ava!" She finished up the ladder and said, "TA DA" as she lifted her arms to the sky in such pride. She had climbed her nemesis ladder and didn't even realize it until half way to the top.

I watched my 2 and a half year old daughter struggle and then conquer her frustration and fear of that ladder, but she didn't just decide she would do it, she didn't even really do it by herself. Her daddy suggested and pushed her to try, he guarded her back, stretched out his hand to her when she needed that last grab before both feet were safely on the platform. She then exclaimed that she did it and was so happy. Her daddy agreed, "Alright! Yes you did! Way to go, I'm so proud!". He didn't correct her and say, "actually dear, I convinced you to get on it at all, then helped you half way up and there at the end, you would have fallen if I hadn't of grabbed your hand". He didn't need to. He knows his job as her Daddy and he does it without reminding Ava of the details in which he did everything. His job is to teach Ava, extend his hand when needed, have her back in protection and then praise her when she accomplishes a goal, conquers a fear or simply completes a task. He is to bless her by celebrating her accomplishments and remind her that she is able, capable and less afraid than she might think.

I relate to my daughter. So many times in my life, I know I have doubted myself, screamed "God I cannot do this! I cannot make it through. I can't do what you're asking me to" if I had listened closer, I might have heard him saying, "Shaina, you're ALREADY DOING IT". It is a lesson I have learned on different levels as life has gone by. I sat in bed last night and went through the journal(s) I kept while being in the hospital with Noah. There were lots of times when I would pray, "God I cannot keep doing this, I can't continue, I don't know how to be, how to pray, how to trust" as I read those things last night, I realized, He was whispering to me, "you will, you are being exactly who I need you to be for your family, you're praying right now, just by seeking me you're trusting me." I know that in the middle of the storms in life, we tend to doubt, question and wonder where God is. We sometimes frantically think he has left us all together and somehow we think we've earned the right to "tell God how it is". Perhaps though, maybe God is right there, right behind us, guarding our back, guiding us up the blue twisty ladder, watching us grow as we do the hard thing he has asked us to do, all to extend his hand at the proper time and then celebrate with us when we reach the top, smiling at us and blessing us with his affirmation and love.

I guess I just feel as though there are days where I feel like I say, "God, I can't do this.  I can't climb this ladder. I can't keep trudging through the hard nights, the hurt my heart feels when I imagine a life we won't ever have with our son. I can't keep going through the years wondering how things would be, all the while, my other baby is not so much a baby anymore and is growing up in stature and character. Is time passing me by Lord, so quickly that I can't even think straight? Lord, I cannot keep smiling when I really want to cry. I can't keep taking steps away from the last time I held him. It only gets further away. ....after awhile I remember and I hear him saying, "you are doing this. As you are getting further from the last time you held that boy, you are getting closer to the time when you won't ever have to let him go again and in that place there won't be a tear shed. You are smiling in my joy and it's ok to cry through the nights, as much as you need."

 So, maybe you find yourself on the blue twisty ladder today. You're screaming, "GOD I CAN'T DO THIS",  you're climbing the ladder of suffering through illness, you're climbing the blue twisty ladder of grief, you can't breathe today because you miss them so much, you're head is spinning from all the chores, kids' activities, mouths to feed, things to get done, you'r weary of being home with your children day in and day out, you are wondering when you'll get a breath of fresh air and he is whispering in your ear, "you're already doing it, I'm right here."
 It is never that we are to do it on our own as he stands by and watches us struggle, just throwing out a suggestion here and there. No, he is right there, his breath upon the back of your neck, his hand guiding you, but not pushing you. He is your encourager, your guide, your safety net, your Daddy. He will push us into things we would never ever ever choose for ourself, guide us through, celebrate when we come through it and then let us enjoy ourselves on the things we do choose and enjoy the most. Did Ava have to be convinced to climb up that ladder again? Not really. She looked at it and saw what she did, not what she thought she couldn't  anymore. So, be encouraged, friend. He didn't leave you, he hasn't left you and he will never fail you. If anything, he is letting you grow, working out your fears and struggles, with his quiet help, because He is wanting you to learn that He didn't mess up on you, He has and will always equip you where you're at, but you have to trust Him in it all. Keep climbing, dear one. The top will come sooner than you think. Then you will look back at the blue twisty ladder and laugh. "YA! I did it!"and all the while, God will be smiling and celebrating with you.
Remember, you didn't do it all. You didn't even choose that ladder. He chose you. He guided you. He brought you to a place where you could be proud of yourself, excited and full of joy. You climbed the ladder, you conquered your fear, but you were never ever on your own. Give him the honor, give him your celebration and your praise. He is a GOOD daddy.

Just don't jump off because you quit. Don't bail. Don't give up. The celebration to come at the top will be worth all the steps it takes to get there.

The next time you face a blue twisty ladder, it might still be intimidating, but you'll know what you're made of and who has your back.

Keep climbing,
Noah's mommy
 Psalm 18

The Doves

Well, February came and went. I had so much anticipation as it approached and everything was so wonderfully perfect. I never wanted to have a month that we celebrated a child we couldn't watch grow up, I still don't, but since that is a part of our life now, we had a wonderful time with all the various ways we found to celebrate Bubby, hearts and all things heart related. We started the month with some fun heart themed family meals, a few heart crafts, some heart themed artwork for a cause and then went through the month enjoying getting ready for our trip to Ft. Worth. Nick and I were able to attend Passion 2014 in Houston with our young adult/college group from church. That was a perfect way for us to approach the 1 year anniversary of Noah's death. We came away refreshed and recharged spiritually and had that time away from home, the daily grind and also from parenting for a few days. All of that combined was so wonderful. I was able to spend a couple of days after that with my best friend. We had lots to visit about, we went antiquing, had yummy lunch together, lots of laughs and catching up in person as well as some deep therapeutic talk about Noah, his death, his life, and the little boy she is growing in her womb. :) It was perfect and I flew home to a bright little girl who was so excited to see her mommy and a few days to unload, reload and get going on our Noah Day trip. :)
We had such an incredible (short but nice) weekend. The weather was gorgeous, we were able to have a fun time in the hotel, swimming and eating at places we don't have in AMA. We went to the hospital and dropped off all the amazing gifts for the CVICU family and the heart families who are in the trenches with their little heart warriors. It was a lovely time. We left Ft Worth feeling so loved, full of happiness and more refreshment! The days came last week where we remembered back to his service, his celebration evening and all of those things. We ended February with Nick's birthday and an incredible honor to be used in our Assoc. Pastor, Matt Johnson's powerful sermon on Suffering Produces Worship. wow. It emotionally exhausting for me, but to hear my son's and our family's testimony being used for God's glory was like watching Noah hit a home run, or walk across the stage to receive his diploma. He makes me so proud. Even still and forever more.

So, here we are, into March a few days and we are so ready for Spring, rain showers, thunderstorms, green grass, sunshine, warm days and freshness all around. I'm ready to get the grill out of the garage, pull Ava's little playhouse out and hose down her trampoline and get it ready for her to jump for hours. We are looking forward to some house projects and other things this spring and have a feeling of refreshment. Simplifying is my theme word this year and the season itself just screams simplify. So, closets are about to meet their maker, nooks and crannies are about to get bossed around and life is getting cleaned up around here. Last year, survival was our goal. Just getting used to life again was a daily chore and now I am seeing God's grace bringing us into a new season.

I feel like I can still peer over my shoulder and see the pit. That dark place we've been in for the last year and a half or so. I can turn around and peer down in there, I can still smell it, it is taunting me and keep whispering that it misses me. BUT, I can see ahead a little ways as well. I can see that for one, I'm not still in the pit. That in itself is wonderful and I rejoice that the pit is no longer a part of our life at this moment. We are on level ground and God is moving us into places of fruit and harvest. We continue to let him lead the way and we follow his timing, but I can feel the breeze teasing me and can tell that it's coming.

My beloved speaks and says to me:
“Arise, my love, my beautiful one,
    and come away,
 for behold, the winter is past;
    the rain is over and gone.
 The flowers appear on the earth,
    the time of singing^[d] has come,
and the voice of the turtledove
    is heard in our land.
 The fig tree ripens its figs,
    and the vines are in blossom;
    they give forth fragrance.
Arise, my love, my beautiful one,
    and come away.

Song of Solomon 2:10-13

I know some people get a little ancy at reading out of Song of Solomon and I know that it is book between two lovers, but I also read this in the context of Christ being our true love and it makes this part of our journey make so much sense. 

See, in the last year doves have made their presence in my life. Shortly after I got home from Ft. Worth, the craziness of everything had calmed down and I opened the blinds one morning and there were two little doves. They weren't white, they were the "ring necked" doves and they were kind of cooing and waddling around our front drive. It was misty out that morning and I  knew God had sent them just for me. Noah means peace, doves are a symbol of peace. The Holy Spirit came down on Christ when he was baptized as a dove. Noah (in Genesis) sent out a Dove after the flood, to see if dry land had made its way out of the flood. Doves are always a symbol of God's nearness and his hand upon our life. 

Another month or so later, Ava, PawPaw and I were out to lunch on our regular Thursday routine and we saw another dove, this time at the store. He was just flying around and then would stop for awhile on the ground. He was by himself. This time this one had more white on him. Another sign in the middle of regular life, that God's peace is always available to us. Finally, in September of last year, the PICU at Cook's held a lovely remembrance ceremony for those children who had passed away in the last 2 year. They had such a lovely ceremony that included a dove release at the end. They were beautifully pure and white. It was around the time of Noah's first birthday and it was just another symbol of peace. As Noah means peace, he has always been peaceful, even in all the turmoil of his life. These doves were symbols of peace and continued sustaining grace over us this last year. Today I feel as though, he sent a dove through his word when I was reminded of this scripture. 

Spring WILL come, even if it doesn't seem like it today with the cold temperatures. I know it is coming though. Fruit is to be harvested from the time we have been in the valley. It is like we are coming out of the pit, rubbing our eyes because it is so bright and looking around us like, "oh ya, this is what the level ground looks like, the sun feels warm and the breeze is sweet". 

I'm excited to see where God takes us this year. Thank y'all for being such support and love for us through this last year. We have been overwhelmed with "heart pictures" from so many, messages, texts, calls, cards, packages, etc. We are overwhelmed by your love. Thank you thank you! 

Noah's mommy

The Sun Flooded In

I woke up that morning and had realized that I just had the best night's sleep in 5 months. February 23 was a day that is forever etched in my mind. I mean, of course, the 22nd is the day my son died and I will never forget it, as long as I live. I will forever remember the last breath he took, when I had to give him up, leave him there. I will always remember that, but I will remember the next day because, as it might sound really cold, there was a spirit of relief in my heart that I had not felt since September 24. From the day Noah was born, I could not get to sleep at night, I could not sleep deeply, I could not wake up without immediately calling the NICU or CVICU. I could not leave the hospital without making sure I had a full charge or a charger with me, just in case they called, just in case something went wrong and I had to rush back. I didn't leave often, away from the campus of the hospital, but when I did I was on egg shells. When I would force myself to go sleep in the room at the RMH, I would stay up just laying there, sometimes reading, sometimes deep in journaling and the occasional netflix binge on my laptop. I  just couldn't sleep. My husband was 6 hours away, as was my baby girl, my son was in critical condition, always, and I could not rest. I could not relax. My body and mind were in a constant battle with my heart. I trusted the Lord, sometimes it was harder than others and often I had to force myself to really hold tight to the TRUTH, but I could not actually release myself into deep sleep or comfort. There was always too much to be aware of. But, that morning, it was different. For the first time in 5 months I slept. I really slept. We didn't set an alarm that night, once we got back to our room from leaving the hospital. We just went to bed and wept awhile. We held each other and both of us slept the best we had in months. I remember waking up and the sun was pouring into the room. We had just checked into that room earlier in the week and I had been sleeping up in the CVICU since Noah was so critical. I hadn't realized the morning sun was so heavy in that room, but that morning it welcomed me and hugged me tight. It was like the Lord saying, "good morning dear, I'm still in control". Don't get me wrong, there was this heaviness in my heart that my son was truly dead and nothing I could do would change that. Out of habit I picked up my phone and realized that I didn't need to call. Noah was fine. I showered and got ready for the day, we packed up our jeep, made one last stop by the CVICU for a memento we made of Noah's hand and then we said goodbye. We stopped by the Starbucks, walked passed the dining hall and walked out the doors to the parking garage. 5 months. done. For 5 months I lived there, I was rooted there. I never really left there and then all of a sudden it was all over. I keep the last parking garage ticket in my Bible as a bookmark. It is like a little altar that every time I see it I thank God for that season. I also thank him for that day we left the hospital, because even though it didn't end like I wanted it to, God was still answering my prayers. I was coming home. I was coming back to my husband and daughter, my family, my church, my own bed. There were things that I had prayed for since we left home that God was giving me back and I realized that. I needed to be reminded, especially in the heartbreak of leaving my son "behind" that I was headed towards good things. I knew life wouldn't be the same as when I left. I knew that our home would be comfy and inviting, but as soon as I walked in, I knew I WAS DIFFERENT. I felt that I didn't belong, that I wasn't needed there. Nick had done such an amazing job at raising our girl, keeping our home and making life keep going here that I longed to be back at that hospital. Yet, I  knew the way God worked it all out, would be ok, someday. I would probably never understand it, but I would learn to accept it. As I sit here, in this home, Ava is sleeping soundly in her bed after a full day of snuggles, giggles, outings and "the good life". Nick doesn't travel every Friday-Sunday. He doesn't have to be a single dad nor does he have to sacrifice being with his son to keep a job and stay committed to it to provide for our home. We are able to go to the park together, minister at church again, be involved, soak up the times in life like dance parties in the living room, watching Ava pretend to be a ballerina on the "stage", to sit at the dinner table together, to laugh until our sides hurt. These things make life good again. They lessen the sting of the loss and fill it with healing. There will never be a time when I don't miss my son, but I can tell you that after one year of him being gone and earnestly seeking God and his goodness, He has not let me down. I am learning and growing, changing and I guess you could say, getting to know myself. After such a life changing event, one has to stop a minute (months) and re-evaluate, make decisions and changes as well as realize just how amazing you were to begin with. God has done this and is still doing this in me. Seasons are meant for change. We must seek out ALL that God is asking of us and also what He is doing in us, for His plan and glory. It makes it all worth it.

Somehow this year has been relief, even in the deepest and darkest grieving of my life, there is relief. There have been days where I couldn't get out of bed, some days I was hateful and mean to everyone I came in contact with, and some days I didn't say a word. All of these days were hard and I am not "past" it. I know there are days coming that will be dark and hard as well, but amongst it all, there is a peace beyond understanding (Phil 4:7).

We came back to Ft Worth this weekend and being in that place reminds me that it all REALLY happened. Life was lived there. Our life was lived there. Our son came into the world, changed it and then left it, all in that place. This weekend was blessed, it was so perfect to take it all in, fresh air, the three of us just enjoying each other and the "relief" of being in the middle of God's will, not the life we all begged God for, a life with Noah in it. I will tell you though, Noah is still in it. Everyday we see how he has touched our life, touched others' lives; we are amazed and blessed by all the outpouring of encouragement, love and support. WOW! God is so gracious to us through y'all and we could not have made it this year without you. Thank you and we love y'all.

Noah's momma

Here are some of our favorite pictures from Noah's celebration last year.