Altars

In the midst of chaos, we pause and create respite. We can find moments of peace, of joy, even in the midst of our darkest hours.
There are seasons of our life that just aren't pretty. Right now I can think of quite a few things in our world that are creating stressful situations, dark times for many. My best friend and her three children drove 12 hours to evacuate their home as tropical storms turn into hurricanes and threaten their island home. They are safe and sound here, but I can't help but think about all the chaos that comes with the circumstance. One day of virtual school happened before evacuation. There is no timeline for this kind of thing. You pack up and get out, not knowing what you will come home to, if there will be a home to come home to. You aren't sure about much of anything. Leaving her spouse behind to weather the storm from the hospital, as a physician, she packed up and came up here. I guess my mind is just full of thoughts and my heart is full of intercession for her, her kids, her husband, her friends, church family, neighbors.

In Luke 10:42 Mary has chosen to sit at Jesus's feet while her sister is busy with all the things that hosting entails. I love that  Martha is such a hospitable and thoughtful woman. Here though, Jesus is speaking into the chaos with these words, "only one thing is needed". Mary was choosing Jesus. Simple. I think Martha was choosing Jesus in her own way, but isn't it like us to choose our own way, thinking it is the more important, but we just don't quite get it. We think we need to DO a whole bunch of things. We need to "manage".

I'm reminded, as I think back in our friendship, of times when life was less than easy. I think back to a season where I was in a fog. I was alone most of the time, at the hospital, as Noah lay there recovering from heart surgeries, and every other weekend or so, she would come up and stay with me. She would stay at the Ronald McDonald house with me, we would eat out, got a pedicure on occasion, we would get coffee, went to Half Price Books, sat in Noah's little cubicle in ICU and would read books and chat. We got cleaned up and dressed up for a dinner at a lovely local restaurant one night. We made these altar moments of gratitude, joy and remembering that life wouldn't always be this hard. Life wouldn't always be so dark. We chose to remember the God who gives us good things. It would have been very easy for me to sit in the hospital every single moment and "manage" the situation by never leaving, never looking up, never breaking away from the darkness. I could have easily just have kept grinding away in the heaviness of it all, but God. God opened up these moments to remember that He is good, even in the ugliness.

What are some of the ways you can build an altar in your current season? Is it coffee with a friend? A small day trip to a pretty place you've never been? Is it buying a  new journal or Bible and claiming the promises of Jesus all over again? Whatever it is, find a way to make a mark of joy in a season of pain/sadness/uncertainty. I know right now we're all in a season of uncertainty. Our kids are all taking things in stride, we are learning to relearn, readjust, realign. Let's make some altars in this season to pause and remember God's absolute goodness. Let's get ice cream or have a picnic. Maybe a movie night or a homemade pizza night? It doesn't actually take much to create a moment in time that we can return to and remember, it will all be ok.

It really will all be ok,
Shaina

It Matters...

 Last week, on Wednesday, we started school! (Ana will actually start on September 8th) Ava started 4th grade and so far, is loving it. 

Last year was tough. Without sharing too much, since it is Ava's story, not all mine, let's just say we had some struggles. Lots of things stop us from trying, the enemy knows us well enough and even as kids, he gets us where we are most vulnerable. One of the biggest obstacles last year was just trying; not being afraid to learn/try/mess up. Quarantine came, STAAR was cancelled and we got this long break from the stress, tension and pressures that seemed so constant. 

Friday Ava got to the car after school with this beaming smile and her teacher was waving at her to remind her to tell me that she was going to send me a message. Ava had written for an assignment and knocked it out of the park. Her teacher celebrated, Ava felt so accomplished and the biggest thing was that she surprised herself in it all. What she wrote was a testimony of her growth over the last year and all we and her teacher from last year did together to keep her encouraged and pressing on. I was so excited for her and am so proud that she has started off this year with such a bang!

With that said, we are starting off this first full week of school, excited and ready to go. It is amazing to watch Ava catch on to herself, her style, her strengths and even her weaknesses. We sent the message from this year's teacher to last year's teacher to encourage her and remind her that WHAT SHE DOES MATTERS. 

As teachers and parents come together for the betterment of our students/kids, we will see amazing things happen! Especially this year, let's be full of grace, thanksgiving and encouragement for our teachers. They are navigating all of this every single day with new information, processes and rules being thrown at them all the time. Let's trust them a little bit more and know that they have gifts that we don't have, they have perspective that we don't have. As parents, we are our child's #1 advocate and part of advocating is listening. So, friends, let's listen. Let's listen to our kids, ask them questions, hear their answers and do our best to be a team with their teacher and with them as we navigate school and all that comes with it this year. 

It matters. Our kids' struggles matter. Our teacher's mental health matters. Our level of advocacy and care for our children, matters. Consistency and communication are imperative. We don't always see the results to those things immediately. We often see results WAY down the road. Let's stop and recognize those achievements and celebrate them as well. Tell that 1st grade teacher years down the line that they made a difference. Tell the music teacher or PE teacher how much they made your kid's day. Let's email the administration this year and just remind them that we see them and are here for them even if there are no actual ways to help on campus at this time. You may have a different experience with school. One riddled with pain, frustration, someone letting your kid fall through the cracks, etc. I don't know your perspective, but  know that 90% of the teachers and staff at our schools care and want the best. We just have to learn to be good communicator and listeners along with being consistent in what we know is best for our kids! I'm encouraging you and praying that this year, amidst all the craziness and hardship, will be one of the best yet! I truly believe it has the capacity to blow us away! 

How can we show up for our kids this year? I believe we can show up in how we allow them to mess up, to learn from their mistakes, to have a safe space to struggle, mess up and wrestle with hardship. We should allow our kids to help set their own goals, household chores, and responsibilities. Note that I said help with. Allowing them to discuss and help decide what needs to be done each day, expectations on them and their schoolwork/bedroom/house, etc is a really helpful way to teach them responsibility for their own things/self. I have noticed that just making a list of things to do doesn't go far with Ava, but asking her which things she is willing to do, off of that list, plus her deciding on things she specifically wants to work on works for us. Get creative! There is no right way.  Each of our kids is so different. What I am saying is this; our expectations and what we view as our kids' success may need to shift. It can shift per kid, per year, per growth spurt... Does that make sense? Consistency is good. Grace and adjustments are imperative. 

There are a lot of things we can do to help our kids have the best year possible and I believe it starts with stopping the helicoptering and including them more. (again, this will vary with age and season) Happy new school year to you all! Whether you are homeschooling, your kids are back in the classroom or virtually joining in, you have what it takes to be your kids' Mom. You have been hand picked and are equipped! Be encouraged and don't try to do it all alone or at one time! 

Let's do this! 

A New Chapter...

It's been minute since I was in this space. 2 years ago I embarked on a writing/sharing/ministry journey. I shifted my writing from a personal blog space to a more professional place. I had a website put up, put content in it that was directed at "finding the heart". I loved it. I enjoyed it. I found it to be a sweet place to write and explore. What I didn't expect was that the personal growth I would go through beginning in 2019 to now would change the trajectory of that space today. I closed it down today. I heard directly from the Lord to shut it down. I have been asking and asking God for awhile now, what He wants from me, what pieces of my life weren't adding up.

There are multiple reasons for this and I am sure I will get to those things later, but for now I know that I did what I know God asked me to do. When we are asked to let things go, it is not easy, but it is a part of the journey that He reminds us to lay ourselves down again, to take up our cross and to follow him; not our own dreams, ideas or goals.

So, here I am. Grief does not always inspire my writing anymore. I am not living in a consistent context of grieving, pain, sorrow. I am in a new place in my life where the things I want and need to write about just do not always fit into that genre. I did not intend to create that space for just grief, but in time I realized that I was so stuck. I could not share about my life, my family or my daily ramblings in a place where everything seemed like it needed to be streamlined or in line with the heart theme. Everything felt like it should be curated towards a heart/grief theme.

We went on vacation (which I will post about soon because I can now) a few weeks ago and for the first time in 7 years we were not able to stop at Cook Children's Medical Center to stop by and say hi or drop off treats. I didn't let it bother me then because we made other plans and knew, like everything else in life, that Covid has its ways right now. No guests on campus at Cook's and for good reasons. We understand, but my first thought after accepting it was, "well, I guess its time". Maybe it is time to completely tuck away that part of our life. Holding on to it means holding on to a part of me that is begging to be let go of. I learned so much. I was shaped and formed so deeply during that time, but I am being shaped and formed now as well. I lost a child to heart defects and I miss him so much, but that one thing/event/loss DOES NOT DEFINE MY ENTIRETY. It did for a time. and that is OK, but I am not that person now. Missing Noah looks different now. Grief isn't a daily issue I tackle. The letting go of needing everyone in my life to know that that happened is the next big step of healing.

This may sound silly or just down right weird, but in high school I had this pair of underwear that I LOVED WITH MY WHOLE BEING. I WORE THEM OUT. Like, my mother had to steal them and hide them away. Hide them away, yes, because she added a piece of them to my t-shirt quilt when I graduated from high school. HAHA! We laughed so hard at that! I could NOT let that pair of underwear go. They were just this thing that I kept wearing out until there were literal threads holding them together. Threads...

I have worn out that season/experience/place of life to threads. I have wrung out of it as much as I can. I have let Noah and that journey mold and shape me, influence me and make me for as long as I can now. It doesn't mean I won't glean things from that time ever again. Not at all! I have just come to a place in my life where I am not living from that, defining myself from that. There are new struggles, new fights, new seasons, new lessons and new valleys as well as mountain tops to explore and learn from.

So I return to this space to explore things, my family, my actual life, with no agenda or platform. I bring to this space what I want. I am coming back to home base, so to speak, of my writing. No forcing, no branding, no need for the perfectly curated content here. I can brain dump, share vacations, silly days, fun recipes, interesting thoughts, deep issues/concerns, etc I can also live, unafraid of Noah being forgotten or my experiences going stale. I know where my value and worth as a believer and a person come from and it is not in what I've gone through.

I'm so thankful for the experience and the season that was "finding the heart" and I am even more excited to just be me. All of me. I celebrate all of the progress, growth and deep healing I have experienced over the last few years.

Here's to a new page...a new chapter!

Shaina

A Mason Jar of Kindness

One of the ladies in our church brought me a little bouquet of flowers in a mason jar today.

It made my day.


My oldest daughter and I had to have a hard conversation today. At one point she asked, "why can't people just say I'm sorry"...


.... "I don't know, dear."....


Thinking to myself, "why can't you just love them anyway, Shaina, even when you don't hear the sorry."

Why is it, that we cannot be kind? Why is it, that we cannot extend grace? Why is it, that we cannot give the benefit of the doubt? Why is it, we are the harshest critics of others? (being the harshest critic of yourself is a whole other blog post in itself) Why do we hate people so much because of miscommunications? I have been the one to assume, be too quick to judge and then cause a relationship to dissolve because of my actions. I've been that person. I have also been the person who has received messages and texts unloading all of the wrong I've done (correct or not isn't the point, to them it was true).

I've been on both sides. Neither are fun. I will say it is easier to be the one assuming, not forgiving, welling up frustration, judgement and hatred in my heart. It was easier to be that, than to start praying for the other person. It was easier and more satisfying to hold on to the past, the hurt and the anger than to start letting go, extending grace and moving on. Forgiveness is hard.

Grace. Is. Hard.

but, grace is not a suggestion. When it comes to our hurts, our friendships turned sour, our family feuds and church hurts...

We have got to get a grip on what the Word says.

and oh ya... we have to obey it. *ouch

Ephesians 4:29-32 "Do not let any unwholesome talk out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it my benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate, forgiving one another, just as Christ God forgave you."

Well.
As Ava and I continued to talk, I had to admit the sin I had lived in for a long time..the unforgiveness and bitterness I have had towards a few people who have hurt me deeply. Letting go of hurt is hard. I genuinely struggle with it, often, but God is teaching me, in his grace, that I can overcome the enemy's desire for me to live in bondage to unforgiveness.

Being hurt, well, it hurts. I have been hurt and I have been the one to hurt. I hate to say that I have been the one to hurt. I know that in most instances I had no idea I was hurting someone. There is one instance that sticks out to me and honestly, I was so hurt by them and confused that I let myself say things I shouldn't have and then that made the situation worse and almost irreparable.

Words. They hurt. They cut. They stab. Words are harsh weapons of mass destruction. They are also sweet as honey and a balm to our weary spirits. Words bring life and they destroy life. Words build up relationships and tear them down.

Words are so important. Actions are too.
It is really sad when a  young lady, just begging to be loved and to fit in somewhere cannot find that love inside the church. Girls are mean. When we will learn, women, that we are to love. We are to build up. We are to encourage. We are to breathe life into each other. For God's sake, let's raise our girls to be that. Be kind. Be caring. Be compassionate. Be full of grace.

It has to start with us. It has to begin with us forgiving, even if we don't want to. It begins with us not judging the other for sending our kids to public school or not letting our student have a cellphone at 12... organic or Great Value... I'm just so weary of women choosing the life they lead and then complaining about it all over the interwebs. CHOOSE to homeschool or work full time or have your kid in 3 different activities or CHOOSE NOT TO... but when it comes down to it, quit whining.

Quit thinking everyone is out to show you up. Quit thinking that no one cares. Let us all run our OWN race and encourage those around us in theirs.
While we're at it... let's quit blaming the church for all our hurt and bitterness ok? Let's go ahead and own it. I own my bitterness and hurt from situations that happened years ago and now I need to lay them down, sometimes again and again. Yes, people hurt us. Yes, life is hard. Yes, homeschooling is grueling and yes, you're doing a good job. Yes, working full time has it's struggle and yes it is also not going to ruin your kids.

I just want my daughters to be kind, to love people, to show forgiveness, and unless I get in tune with it myself, I am a hypocrite and a liar. I cannot teach my children what I do not live. I refuse to continue to live my life in a pit of self hate, of judgement or of bitterness from past hurts. I can't truly live there. I cannot thrive there.

I want to learn to say I'm sorry. So, I will try. I will honestly try to say I'm sorry. Even if it doesn't make sense to. I will learn to say I'm sorry even when no one else will. I will learn to lay down my bitterness and hurt from past experiences and look ahead, eyes on Jesus, and step out on the waters of grace.

Ladies, step up. Lean in to the Father. Press into His presence. Put the pinterest app away and just be who you are. Quit comparing your life to everyone else's.

1 Corinthians 10:5b "and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."

Reign it in ladies. Reign in the hurt, the hang ups, the bitterness, the constant comparing. Quit it.You don't have to live in that self made prison. Be You. Be the mother God has called you to be, not the mother you think the room mom thinks you should be or the trendy lifestyle blogger thinks you should be... Be the wife God has called you to be, not the one Cosmopolitan says you should be. Quit trying so hard to be someone your not. Choose the life that God is calling your family to and then be thankful for it and relish in it, even in the struggle. Take captive the thoughts of comparing, envy, jealousy, strife... take them captive in the name of Jesus. The enemy laughs at us women as we whine and complain and go on and on and on and forever freakin long about our weight, our hair, our tiredness and our "not enoughness"

Maybe we could dazzle the world with our undying and unrelenting faith instead of dulling the world with typical unending complaining.

Y'all, we all have bad days, tough situations and hard loads. We all have unending laundry piles, meals to cook, kids to wash and mouths to feed. I say that...

-there are some women who are praying for what you are whining about today.
  Do you get that?

- the messy, dirty, curiously talkative boys you are raising... someone wishes they could raise one.
-the mess upon mess of Barbies that are never picked up... someone prays daily for the opportunity to play Barbies with their girl
- that husband you're whining about... there are women who have prayed every day of their life for the man God wants for them and then they hop on facebook and see your undending rant about how annoying the shoes left in the floor are... (ladies, you know if you are in a dangerous situation, get out, I'm not telling you carry that burden, ever)

What I am saying is, BE CAREFUL what you whine about, complain about, VENT about... share...
Let us embrace the thorns in our lives as reminders of His sufficiency, his goodness and his grace. Let us make smart judgement calls online and for heaven's sake, IN REAL LIFE. May we speak with love, honesty, and grace.

I am working on this. I'm asking God to do this in the generations of women occupying this planet. May we be GRATEFUL. May we be GRACIOUS. May we be LOVING. May we FORGIVE. May we ENCOURAGE. May we LOVE. May we FIGHT FOR one another.
No march can do what active Jesus loving, praying women of God can do when they simply live the life they are called to live.
Let God do the hard work in the quiet places, the private places, the deep places.... LET HIM DO THE WORK IN US. and let us see our children  rise to call us blessed. Let us laugh at what's to come, without fear of the future. Let us then be confident in who God has made us to be, not wearily waste away trying so hard to be someone we're not.

This I pray Lord, that we would press into you, be humble and love each other where we are at. May we meet each other with the love of Christ. May we raise our girls to be the same. Help us in this Lord. Do what only you can do in your daughters, Lord. Bring freedom, hope, healing and revival.
In Jesus Name.

Give a mason jar of kindness today...whatever that looks like...
Love you all,
Shaina

#Discipline18

If you have kept up with me since the days of this blog being for updates on our son, Noah, then you've walked quite a few years with me. These last 5 years have been the most challenging and growing times of my life, obviously, I suppose. I have walked some mighty tough roads and have fallen quite a number of times trying to figure out what life looks like in the aftermath.
We are far from aftermath season though... we have arrived at... normal life. With Ana here and already 2, Noah will be gone 5 years next month and Ava is on the tail end of 6, life isn't just about surviving anymore. I'm not struggling like I was. I'm not self medicating with things like busy-ness, food(as much, that will probably always be a struggle), or endless tries at hobbies and projects. I'm settling into a season of life that is routine, even normal. I am enjoying the mundane things more than I ever have. There is a contentment that comes with release of a long season. The FOMO...fear of missing out...I think that seems to dissipate over time. It has for me. I used to stay so busy because any time I would have open space or clear time I would fall into a pit of grief and heartache. I can now have "free" time that does not send me into a time of deep remembering or pain.
 I've struggled with certain disciplines in my life and they will always come back around to me. The beginning of the year tends to be a time when we all decide to re-set and refocus on these things. Our pastor said this weekend that we tend to try to re-solve, like an equation or math problem, we are trying to solve things, for the hundredth time, to no avail. At some point something has to change. The issue I've had in the past is thinking I have to change/discipline myself in everything at once. In years past I would have a list of things I needed/wanted to change and then try to tackle it all at once, burning out in a couple weeks and "resolving" to my old habits/ways. Over the course of time I've realized that I can change a habit or a discipline one at a time over the course of time. I can't decide to get up early, work out 3x a week, drink more water, take vitamins, read more, facebook less, and be a more patient mom all in one week. It just won't happen. I am learning that the daily decisions we make and the daily practices we commit to are what make our lives over time. We sold our house and downsized this last year, but that one big decision doesn't' necessarily make or break our big goals, our daily spending will. If we commit to save and spend less, that is what ultimately will make the big difference. I can do a 30 day wellness routine, Whole 30, but if I just let it all go after that, then that one big choice didn't really mean anything. It is when I daily make the decisions about health and wellness, for long periods of time that change comes. So much easier said than done.

Discipline  is a word that I have struggled with and a virtue I have prayed for for so many years, but I think God is finally getting my attention to the fact that, discipline only comes when I choose it, day in and day out, mundane or not, bored or not, frustrated or not, results or not...keep at it. We all know that none of us will make this happen perfectly. In fact, I am positive that that is one of the reasons we all give up so easily is because we mess up and think "what's the point".. when in reality, we should have said, "can't let this stop me, must keep going".... when it says in
Romans 12:2
Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will.
It means that Christ transforms our minds...our entire way of thinking must pattern  his, not the world's. We then know and walk in God's will for us. That will isn't always pleasant or easy, but it is the best. It is His will, not our own. 

The idea of self care has been a big hit in recent days. I know that as a mom, as a wife, as just a person...self care is important and sometimes we put ourselves on the back burner. What Christ has been teaching me about self care though, lately, is that is isn't so much about facials, pedicures and alone time as much as it is about hard disciplines that are best for me anyway. I don't particularly like getting up early, but it is a practice in self care that is important to me now because it gives me time in the Word and prayer before the house gets up. I don't like eating healthy and I fail at it in many ways, but it is a practice in self care that is making me better. I still enjoy a time away, a glass of wine or a hot bath without interruption but true self care is doing things, even the hard things, that sharpen us, refine us and make us more like Jesus, not the world. We just don't like hard things. We want things to be easy and simple. Yet, when you look back, every single hard season was truly worth it. It is hard to say that or admit that that break up was ok in the long run or that job change was the best thing...it's hard to see my son's death as something that could ever be ok or even used for good. 

BUT GOD, He does a redeeming work. When we are surrendered to him and his ways, He makes the way when we don't see it. He uses the dark times for his light. He brings beauty out of ashes. He brings life from death. 

So, my word is discipline for 2018. I'm certain that he will continue to teach me much more about this as the year unfolds. What I do know, is that it is a choice. I encourage you to let God do the hard work in you! Let him transform your mind, through his word and through his spirit! 

Love you all. 
S

The Middle Place

You know that week between Christmas and New Years? The weird week of leftovers, holiday hangover and confusion…you may be putting up Christmas décor and you may still have it up and will leave it until Valentine’s Day. If you are one of those people, don’t tell me. I don’t want to know. I am one of the people who have their decorations up the day or so after Christmas. Bye tree, trinkets, clutter and fluff. The stuff gets put up and the house feels clear and cleaned up. A fresh start. As much as I adore the holiday and the decorations, activities, events, family time, crafts, baking, cooking, eating, presents, memory making etc…. the time comes that it is over and I’m generally ready for the conclusion. 

So we find ourselves in this middle place. We’re in this week of packing and cleaning, eating leftover ham sandwiches and pie… you can feel the holiday bloat, you’re sluggish, not sure of the day and school break still has a week left of it. The kids are already bored with the new toys and you’ve taken 145 loads of trash to the dumpster. Your mind feels a bit overloaded and the thought of a new year, a possible resolution, goals, refocus, reflection, etc seems like a lost cause. OR, maybe it is life. For me, the fact that a new start, fresh year, holiday is over, etc is LIFE GIVING! :) 

I am quite the nerd when it comes to the new
year. I love a new calendar, planner, set of pens, thinking about possibility, goals, new routines, rhythms, and ideas… the whole thing just gets me excited. The cleared out space of home, new start, clean slate….I just love it. I wonder then, why I struggle so much with grace. 

See, the clean slate, fresh start, new day is available every day, not just at the new year. The ability to start fresh and have another chance is something we’ve been given through Christ.I forget that in May I have just as much of a fresh start available as I do December 31 or Jan 1. #gracenotperfection

I want to tell you that even though I enjoy the new year, I know that there are many of you who do not. I remember a time when I really hated the new year. As I sat in a hospital with my sick child, the thought of the new year did not bring happiness. We weren’t looking at a clean home or new goals… I was looking at deciding on life or death decisions for our son. We were looking at 2 risky surgeries, lots of scary nights and finally his death. New Year’s wasn’t a chipper time you’d say. The new year can mark another year without your loved one, a year since a divorce or a job loss. The new year can remind us of past hurts, current hang ups, the unknown future. New year’s can be a frustrating time. I know that not everyone appreciates it like I do. 

I want to encourage you, though, wherever you are, to find the good even in the dark. Perhaps you’re in a truly dark season, but I encourage you to seek out the blessing. I know it seems like there are not any blessings in it, but I know you can find them. 

Some things I have found to encourage me during this time of year, moving into the next:

-reflect upon the year. Even if you think and know it was the worst year ever, do it. Reflect, take some time to think about the year, all the ugly parts, the good parts, the fun trips, changes you’ve made, changes you were forced to make, the struggle, the fight, the fun… take it all in and reflect. Let all the emotions happen and be thankful. Yes, every part of our story is being used for a purpose. We can be thankful for that. It is refining us. Let the reflection and thoughtfulness help shape you and prepare you for the year ahead. 

-look ahead and make some decisions on things you can improve. I’m not saying you need a bunch of New Years resolutions, goals or big aspirations, but even if it is just drinking more water or setting a set bedtime or just reading more, I suggest finding some ways you can grow and get excited about them. We can all stand to grow and try new things. Last year I set a goal of reading a book a month for 2017. I ended up at 14 books for the year, so I was actually a head of my goal! Who knew I could do that. Ha

- if you are married, have a yearly meeting. We sat and had our year end meeting last night and it was great to just talk about the year, all that we had accomplished and ways we dropped the ball and then look ahead to next year and plan our financial goals, health goals and ways we can parent better, love each other better and just enjoy life more. It was life giving to have that time together. We didn’t plan some big thing, we got the girls to bed and then sat down in the living room with the iPad and talked things out. We had both thought about it earlier and brought the items to the meeting. It lasted an hour or so and we both were glad we took the time to go through it all. We switched roles in the last year. He has taken on the huge role of financial officer for our home and I continue to uphold the duties of the CEO you might say. When both of the roles work together, the business functions better. Thankful. If you need help with this, holler. I would love to give you encouragement and tips. 

-don’t set huge goals that you know you can’t attain. Start small and work from there. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Extend grace and keep remembering that life happens a day at a time. 

“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace. What do workers gain from their toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him.”

Ecclesiastes 3:1-14 NIV

Every season of our life is ordained and supposed to happen. Not every season is pleasant and that is ok. Not every new year will seem new or happy or fresh. That’s ok. The Years may bleed together in places and it feels like you will never get a fresh start, that’s ok. Allow Him to guide you through, that Red Sea Road and navigate you to the other side. Trust. Keep your focus on the Savior and do not get distracted. Let the hard seasons to the refining work in you. It’s worth it. 

Things I am planning for the new year, just because, this feels like super accountability as well:

-January Whole30

-read a book a month again this year

-continue the new morning routine I’ve begun in the last few weeks of this year

-going through the book A Simplified Life by Emily Ley and putting into effect and practice the tactical tools in it.

-slowing down with my girls 

-finding rhythm in our day to day life that allows us to flourish(this sounds cheesy, but balance isn’t a thing and this is something that is attainable)

-learning to listen 

I hope and pray that you all have an incredible new year! The clean slate, the fresh start…here we are. Soak it in and be encouraged that the year ahead is full of possibility, success, and victory. Know that there is also going to be struggle, frustration and possible heart ache. God has this and he always has. He will sustain us and guide us! 

Here for you! If I can encourage you or help you in any way, let me know!

Shaina 

Freedom

Hello all 5 of you who read these. That is probably my best friend, my mom and dad, sister and CT. :) haha!

This next few days I want to give myself and maybe you, a challenge. I want to be more fully present in the season, the days we are setting aside to celebrate Christ, togetherness, family, etc.
So my proposal is that after I post this today I am going to refrain from Facebook for the next week.
I will be on Instagram here and there (of course haha) but I think I'm going to ditch the mindless scrolling and have some fun, get some rest, read some books, bake some things, play games, do a puzzle, take pictures without posting all of them, look at Christmas lights, set some goals and visions for 2018, snuggle my kids more, watch movies, take a walk, listen to music, write some thank you notes, and LIVE!

I've walked through the last few years of holidays in a sort of fog... I've felt that release this year and I want to fully embrace and enjoy this season.

Life is too short to:
-not forgive
-hold grudges
-be upset by the smallest things
-debate
-argue
-live with a spirit of competition
-feel the need to justify everything we say or do
-judge so harshly
-put expectations on people that you know they can't meet and then get mad at them when they don't meet them.
-scroll through hundreds of advertisements and spam


Grief is hard and many years feel lonely and that you have to put on a show or fake it til you make it...sometimes you can't even fake it anymore. There are moments when it's all just too much. The years it takes to truly find fresh healing and peace are long. It takes intentional desire to come to a healthy place after loss. We ALL CHOOSE. We choose to keep seeking truth, Christ's healing, His love, His peace, His plan for us. We choose to be bitter, not forgive, hold grudges and judge people for things they didn't even know they did. We can be harsh and rude and ugly in our grief. I don't think we ever mean to hurt people that love us, but we can become so overwhelmed by the idolatry that grief can become that we forget we have a choice to make. We either choose grace or we choose bitterness.
This all has taken years for me to grasp and to understand. It is MY interpretation and MY testimony. I always say exactly what I mean and I say things bluntly here because it is my personal space to do so. Grief gets ugly. Grief can become an idol in our life. Grief causes or can cause us to make bitter decisions, ugly ways of responding, we react harshly, we judge harshly, we become critics and no one and nothing can please us. Only by letting God to a hard work in us, will we see true freedom, true peace and healing.
It completely sucks that my son will not be alive to enjoy the holidays with us. We don't get him here with us. For the life of my I do not believe that he would want me to hold grudges, live in un-forgiveness,  be bitter, be judgemental, act hateful or rude to anyone or even just internalize all of that. I truly believe that the one I so dearly miss would want me to live a life of freedom, a life of grace, a life of forgiveness, a life of trust. A life of worship. Trust is our greatest form of worship. Will you trust Christ enough to cut out the hateful comments, rude reactions, harsh judgements, cynical and snide remarks, hinting around at everyone of how rude people are to you, how people just don't understand, etc... at what point would the people who have passed, the ones we grieve the loss of, finally tell us ENOUGH. not in my name or for my memory will you act like this. Grieving is hard, It is so very very hard. It is also not an excuse to imprison yourself and everyone around you in a cycle of unending bitterness. Have FREEDOM. Have fresh life and fresh perspective come in as you let him in.

I say all of this out of my experience. Quit letting grief, no matter how long you've lived with it, be a prison. I don't only grieve the loss of a child. I grieve all the friendships that didn't remain because they bailed, but I do not sit here and live in bitterness against them. I let it go and let  God do work in me. I grieve the goals I never attained and now it is too late, but I don't sit here and get jealous of those who have attained big goals because they do the work to get there. I am setting new goals and doing new things in my life to reach them. At some point I quit blaming past friends, past experiences, former seasons, harsh realities, and the people around me for all the stuff I was walking through and decided that maybe God was trying to get my attention and DO WORK in ME. It's ok to need to go through a season of refining and shaping and molding. We must go through it. We must learn through it. Friend, let God do the work in you, by doing the work he's asking you to do. I think that is called, "taking up our cross"... the beauty of this hard work is that you cannot fail, you have the grace unending and the arms stronger that steel that will support you and keep you as you walk this walk of faith.Your Red Sea Road as Ellie Holcomb would call it. Listen here.

Please holler at me if you are struggling with any of this. It is a constant thing that I see God doing in me. I'm learning to not blame everyone around me and just seeing things as opportunities to grow and learn and deepen my faith.
Again, this is all in my perspective and life, not yours. Everyone is different and experiences things differently, but I do hope you find encouragement somewhere in this, to quit asking why or finding someone to blame, but just accept the season and let God use it. Let God use even the people you so struggle with to help heal your heart.

much love, Merry Chirstmas!
Shaina