I might let you bend, but I won't let you break...

Well, today has been rough on this momma. As a person, I have had a decent day. I got to sleep in, lay in bed and watch endless episodes of one of my favorite shows and then eat at Chipotle by myself, talk away the afternoon with Nick's aunt up here at the hospital and then have chic fil a for dinner. For any ol person, not a bad day. As a mommy...that's been a different story. Wow. Lord, really? There are moments when as a mommy I have reached the ultimate level of stretching and adjusting, bending and feeling like the clay on a wheel of a beginner pottery student. ugh. I truly wanted to throw in the towel and say, "you know what, find someone stronger, find someone with more stamina, less emotion and more drive...I'm done." Yet, I come up to Noah's room and take one glance and realize, I'm in too deep. I can't get out now, even if I truly wanted to. So back to sleeping in. I haven't slept past 8:30am in years. It was weird. Granted, I did get up and pump twice last night, I still slept in. Just plain weird. There were no kids to change, feed, play with, snuggle with, chase around...I just laid in bed, watched tv and vegged out. It was disgusting just about. I'm used to having a schedule, chores, kids, etc and that was all void this morning. It was me, myself and I. I am not sure I like myself that much...haha. But, seriously, I felt useless and almost guilty for others taking care of my babies, my home being left unattended, my husband being a single daddy for the next however many weeks, etc etc. I finally got up and got going. I decided to get lunch somewhere other than the hospital, so I splurged on Chipotle. hehehe. Right as I got into the parking lot I got a text from Mrs. Mac who is keeping Ava a few days this week. Such a Godly and precious woman who we trust so much to watch our baby girl. She sent me a text with multiple pictures of Ava in it. They went to the pumpkin patch. So cool!! At the same time I bawled. Not because they went, but because I couldn't take her. I am supposed to be there with her, taking her places and experiencing fall things with her. Yet, I'm not. My place is here right now. I just couldn't help but weep because I miss her so desperately.  I know she is being taken care of completely. She is not needy for anything and I am beyond thankful for that. My heart just has a hole in it when she's gone from me. It aches truly. So I pull it together and have my lunch. yummy. I get to the hospital and begin to have a peace because I am at least with 1 of my babies. Even if I can't do anything for him, except make milk. ha. I hung out for awhile and then got an update from one of the drs. (I will update on him I promise, just later in the blog) Anyway, part of his update to me included letting me know that  Noah cannot use my milk right now because the natural fats in my milk are causing some fluid buildup. So, they have him on a kind of formula and that should help keep the fluid build up down.  But, that was another blow to my mother's heart. The one thing I can give my baby boy right now. Tangibly. (not spiritually, I know I pray and cover him endlessly) I mean, physicaly the one thing i can do and he can't even use it. He will probably be able to drink it at some point, just when all his fluids come down all the way. Still. Just hurt my already cracked heart. I went and pumped right after that anyway...even though it seemed useless and actually made me feel stupid for a minute. It did give me a chance to have a private place to cry for a bit and not act like I have it all together.
Nick's aunt Janis came by and we had a nice visit. Got me through part of the afternoon. I got chic fil a for dinner and now I'm up here trying to unload my mind and heart a bit before some deep bible study/journal time. The lyrics to a song that has been sort of popular lately in the christian music realm has been on my mind all afternoon...

So your life feels like it don't make sense
And you think to yourself, 'I'm a good person'
So why do these things keep happening?
Why you gotta deal with them?

You may be knocked down now
but don't forget what He said, He said

I won't give you more, more then you can take
and I might let you bend, but I won't let you break
and No-o-o-o-o, I'll never ever let you go-o-o-o-o
Don't you forget what He said

Who you are ain't what your going through
So don't let it get the best of you
Cause God knows everything you need,
so you ain't gotta worry

You may be knocked down now
but just believe what He said, He said

I won't give you more, more then you can take
and I might let you bend, but I won't let you break
and No-o-o-o-o, I'll never ever let you go-o-o-o-o
Don't you forget what He said

Don't fear when you go through the fire
Hang on when it's down to the wire
Stand tall and remember what He said

I won't give you more, more then you can take
and I might let you bend, but I won't let you break...

I won't give you more, more then you can take
and I might let you bend, but I won't let you break
and No-o-o-o-o, I'll never ever let you go-o-o-o-o
Don't you forget what He said

 

 

So, he might let me bend, but he won't let me break. Ok. I suppose I can handle that. It is not exactly how scripture puts it, but it sums it up well enough to understand simply. :) Today was a bending day and I am not conditioned to be THAT flexible yet, but I'm working on it. I miss my husband deeply, but I do get a chance to see him this weekend and that will be sufficient for now. I can't stand being away from my baby girl, but she is in GOOD hands and ultimately God's hands and that has to be enough. We can skype and talk on the phone and that will be sufficient. I want so desperately to take care of my baby boy and that part has been taken away a bit. I can pray for  him, over him, hold his hand (most of the time when one is free of monitors)I can sit in his room and look at him and that is ok. I have to trust that my presence and my voice is enough right now. I have to remember that God is holding him in the palm of his hand and that is sufficient. See, Shaina, his grace is sufficient. Somehow, someway, beyond your ways and thoughts, He is sufficient. He is not convenient, he is not fair, he is not easy nor is he always clear. BUT, he is sufficient. His GRACE is sufficient for me, His power is made perfect in weakness. (2 Corn 12:9) So, Lord, this day of weakness perfects your power? My horrible day makes you glad? sort of. Shaina, your weakness pulls you from anything you think you can handle on your own, any power you think you have and any responsibility you think you're entitled to and allows me to be Lord. Then, in the power I have as your Lord you can be more than enough of a mommy from a distance, from a bedside, from a breastpump, etc. You can be an exceptional mother from WHERE I WANT YOU and that is under his wings, in his will and within his power. not my own. So even when he is bending me, he is in control. I can find security in the fact that I am not bending by myself nor will he let me break from any of the pressure. He is allowing me to bend so that I will realize I'm not as breakable as I thought and in his presence and by his power, I am stronger than I'll ever be on my own. Somehow these rough days are making sense. Someday I'll see even more why I'm at this place in my life. Ya ya, I know that when we get home and I have a toddler and a new born in the house and we can't go anywhere because we are  homebound so we don't bring in too many germs for his fragile immune system, etc etc I will wish I was lazy, bum girl who didn't have any responsibilites. I know, everyone tells me to soak it up and enjoy it. I am. Yet, at the same time, I was made to be a wife and mother. That is my calling and not being able to "do it all" the way I think I should is hard for me. I guess that is part of the lesson right now...I am not supposed to "do it all" the way I think I should, but the way he has laid out for me. That way is within his grace, with others' help, within his Word and his Spirit.

If I could tell people one thing that is most important about any life circumstance..don't get comfortable. That's when we rely on ourselves the most and we quit "needing" Christ and we really just cut ourselves off from His voice. Then all of a sudden we have a crisis and NEEED his so much. "bad times" can be good times if we let them. I would never ask this on anyone. Congenital heart defects, month hospital stays, open heart surgeries etc. BUT, I desire everyone to be able to know God on a deeper level everyday. This is how God is choosing to draw us closer and I am grateful. Not always happy about it, but always thankful.

 

So that's today. whew. Glad it's winding down.

 

To the update y'all want:

Noah is doing well. Sometimes I don't realize just how far he has come in a matter of a couple of weeks. My son went into cardiac arrest a little over two weeks ago. The scare we had was more than a scare. He almost died. They had to do compressions on his little chest for 15 minutes to get him to have his own rhythm. I haven't been able to blog or talk about it much since then because it is still so fresh, but I want to be thankful for ALL progress, slow or not and one way I can truly be thankful is to realize and remember how close we were to losing him. Gosh, I'm just amazed at how far he has come in this amount of time. He has been off the pacemaker since saturday morning. SO amazing. That is such a huge deal. So thankful. His poor kidneys have been hammered by meds daily but they are holding on. They were able to go down on some medicines today, so that is a plus. They have been struggling to get fluid off of him since the cardiac arrest because of all the meds they had to give him, blood, etc. But, slowly we are making progress. he is "outputting" more than he had been. That is good. With heart patients they need lots of fluid for many different reasons, yet, they need to not be too swollen at the same time. It is a game really. So, he has been "playing the game" well the last few days. There needs to be more swelling come down before they can start getting him off the ventilator. The milk thing. So, my milk has natural fats in it that were causing fluid build up in the lung/chest area and so they put him on a formula to help him get nutrition, but until he retaining less fluid, should help with that. crushed me, but whatever is BEST for my baby boy, is what we'll do. Hopefully he will be able to use my milk again soon. The drain they put in yesterday has drained out most of that fluid build up so that is good as well. He got is PICC line cleaned today, so that is happy for him. He peeked at me a lot and listened to me and his great aunt janis chat it up. ha. I think it put him to sleep honestly. haha. He is just adorable and I can't wait to hold him someday...

Prayer requests for noah:

de-swelling

lowering of meds

kidneys to be healthy and functioning at 100%

continued rhythm on his own without pace

no infections

getting off the ventilator

nutrition from formula with no extra build up of fluid

to get back on my milk

continued rest without sedation

pain managment

continuing to take a pacifier and work on sucking motion

for comfort and love even when I'm not here.(hard day on mommy remember) :)

 

Thank you all for walking this road with us. For picking me up when i've gotten to tired to go on. For your words of encouragement and love. the PRAYERS. wow. It's global really. amazing and blows my mind every time I think about it.

Thank you so very much, to all of you.

A quick request for myself....please pray that I can continue to press on, pray for safe travel for nick this weekend, for Ava as we are a part. my heart to not hurt so much so often.

 

thank you.

love

shaina