Tears are special. Dad has always said tears are words from the Holy Spirit. I believe it. The last 7 months have been FULL of tears. I mean, full. Not all tears are bad/sad. In fact, a lot of the tears I have shed have been joyful. I remember the day we found out we were pregnant with Noah. We thought we were 6 weeks along and didn't know if it was a he or she. :) I cried. First, because I was caught WAY off guard and second because, well, we were having another baby. Joyful tears. (with a little nervous in there too, not gonna lie) haha. A couple of days later we went in for a sono and I cried again. We were 20 weeks along, not 6 weeks. woah. We were having a boy. Tears of joy. A couple days later I got a call from my doctor. She wanted to make sure of some things that she didn't see on the sonogram and wanted me to go to a specialist in amarillo to make sure of them. I cried. Tears of fear. I remember driving directly to my church, instead of to the store or where ever Ava and I were headed when she called. I went straight to the church. I knew Nick was working and needed to focus, I needed attention and prayer, so I went to "my people" as I call them sometimes. :) I went to the office and immediately got support and we prayed. We gave Noah to the Lord in that moment and prayed for clear results. Tears of trust and begging God for a clear sonogram. That afternoon and into the evening tears ran as floods. Our unborn baby had half a heart. According to the dr there was no hope for it to develope any further. The left side was not going to develope and we would be referred to drs in ft. worth. tears. lots and lots of tears. Fear, doubt, why me, why us, why him, why now. The terror of all the unknown ahead, the ache of knowing your son will have to battle from day 1. The wondering and the wishing it would all go away. Tears. So many tears. I would dry it up long enough to catch my breath and then I would try to play with Ava or change her diaper and the tears would flow. Again. Wailing into my pillow, sobbing on Nick's shoulder, random crying at odd moments. Trying to help lead worship and in the middle of a song, just breaking down. For a few weeks it was just constant. I wasn't drowning because I knew who was in control and I placed myself in the Word. It allowed me to function as a mom and wife, as a person in general. Yet, I still shed many tears. Life went on as we prepared to begin the journey in ft. worth. Nick drove Ava and I down here to stay with family for a few weeks before noah was born. He walked out their door to go to the airport and I cried. Just a bit though. I pulled it together for Ava and we made it that two weeks. The longest two weeks ever, but we made it. :) Noah was born at the end of those two weeks and I cried again. I heard him crying from across the room as I laid paralyzed on the table. I cried when I heard him cry. He sounded so real and he was here. Tears of pure joy. Just a couple days later though, I cried again. They rolled him off to the longest and biggest surgery of his life. 8.5 hours of surgery most of that time on a bypass machine. I was frightened and I cried. He came out of surgery ok and I cried again. There are countless nights I have cried myself to sleep. Moments when I've barely been able to approach his bedside from being so weary and sad from it all and I've cried over him. I've cried holding him. Funny though, not the first time I held him. Out of all the times to cry tears of joy, I was so in awe and so worried I'd pull a tube out or yank his ventilator out, etc I was just frozen. haha. Most every Sunday for the last 4 months I have cried when Nick has had to go home. I have especially cried on the Sundays my baby girl has to go back with him. My how this momma has cried as she watches them drive off or walk to the terminal. Tears of loniless and sadness. Tears of wondering if Ava will remember me after two weeks of being gone. Wishing I was going to snuggle up with my hubby at the end of the day. Longing for his shoulder when the days got hard and Noah wasn't getting better. Many tears. There have been tears of begging God to answer my pleas. Tears for healing for my baby. Tears for Him to heal other babies. Many many many many tears. I've been weary of crying and wondered how on earth I would still have any left in me. Yet, they come. Just about every day. I have realized though, that they are refreshing sometimes. They truly are words from the Holy Spirit and I am thankful for that line of communication with the Father.
There is a special pastor in a small town in the southern most part of Costa Rica that holds a special special place in my heart. He asked Nick and I one summer what our baby boy's name was because he wanted to pray for him. We weren't pregnant then and I, at the time, had no intention of being pregnant. Much less with a boy and a named one at that. Wow. Pastor Jhonny has been praying for my baby boy for years before he was even a thought. Just a month ago, we were able to skype with him and his wife, as well as Regina (my forever friend) and her husband and parents. What a blessing. Jhonny asked to pray over us, via skype and we were so so thankful for that. He proceeded to pray for us and each of us specifically. He began to pray something that would change my view of God forever. He prayed that I would know that God has seen every tear I've cried at Noah's cradle. He prayed that I would feel his embrace and know that God has heard every prayer, that I, his mother, have prayed for him. He has seen every tear. God brought me to a scripture just a few days ago that confirmed this word over me and it has rocked my world.
Psalm 56:8
"You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?"
David sure had a way of writing didn't he? He goes on to say "Then my enemies will turn back in the day when I call. This I know, that God is for me. In God, whose word I praise, in the Lord, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can man do to me? I must perform my vows to you, O God I will render thank offerings to you. For you have delivered my soul from death, yes, my feet from falling, that I may walk before God in the light of life."
Each and every single tear I have cried (in my whole life for that matter)for my son, has been put in His bottle. So, if you are struggling, needy, tired and seem to cry more often than not. If you are His, he has stored each tear in a bottle, His bottle for you. It has your name on it. It is kept safe and he already has it ready before the wetness touches your face. He knows you are weary and he knows you are tired of crying, but he knows that each of those tears you shed are not for nothing. Take heart, He has overcome the world. He can handle your tears.
It has taken this long to even begin to understand this, but I am enjoying the thought of the care he takes to savor each one and love us through them all.
may you find the same peace I have through this tiny treasure in the scriptures.
love,
shaina
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