Mustard Seeds

So, today has been rough. Ava did not sleep much at all, therefore I did not sleep much at all. I have trouble sleeping now, at 28 weeks anyway, but dealing with a hot tempered 13 month old at 1am, 3am, and 5am for an hour at a time is more than uncomfortable. It is draining. I got myself out of bed this mornng and tried so hard to "start the day new", not be upset or too draggy, but in my efforts alone, I was cranky, short tempered, impatient, and frustrated. I know that as I began to seek the Lord through my frustration, God was faithful to send the right Word at the right times, as well as a quiet moment (before another storm of anti-sleep ava came about). It was a cleansing moment of tears and giving my anxieties to the Father. I have gotten to where I have a good "spill" that I can tell people that I don't exactly know but they know about our situation and want to ask and pray. I am thankful for the prayers, but I just don't let go of all my emotions in front of them. I have gotten good enough at it that I have fooled myself into thinking "I'm ok" a few times, when really I was as broken as ever. So, I think that is when God brings me to these days. I get back to that rock bottom place of "ok, Lord, I'm here again, what is it now?" He's gentle and every time I whine and question and cry out why, he just says, "because you're seeking me". I wonder why He chose us to walk this road. Sometimes I call it bearing this burden, but I correct myself quickly because He has been teaching and reminding me that this IS HIS PLAN. It is not a detour or a problem we are trying to fix. This whole road of having a baby we didn't plan on having so soon, him needing surgery immediately after birth, the road of recovery after that, the next surgery he will need and the recovery after that, the fact that all of this takes place 6 hours from home....etc. ALL of this is no surprise to Him. So, why do I keep questioning Him and this plan? Why do I keep coming back to this place of "why me". I don't think God minds. In fact, I think that he keeps reminding me of his plan and goodness, even in my weak moments. As I cling with all my might, to the tiniest mustard seed of faith in my hand, I just have to learn to take each of these bad days for what they are. A means to know Him more, love Him more and experience His character to its fullness. For when I am the one that is  humbled and not thinking I am doing it all perfectly, He has much more room to work in me and calm me.

I am thankful for family, for friends and for the body of Christ who support me by praying. They are felt more than they know. Somehow, all things are working for HIS good and HIS purpose and when God has me lead his people in worship to the song "He is Faithful", I have to live that I believe those words.

YOU ARE FAITHFUL

YOU ARE GRACIOUS

YOU ALONE ARE GOD

If I claim to believe that and lead God's people into proclaiming that to Him, than I have to live that, believe that in my core and hold fast to those words and not just pretend to be ok, but to truly live in the peace that comes with planting that mustard seed in my heart and letting it take root in it's deepest place.

UPDATE:

my dr appointments have been rescheduled to July 27th at 10:30am-for the echocardiogram and 1:00pm for the appt with my new dr. My sweet sister is accompaning me for this and I'm thankful.

I have a doctor appt here in Amarillo, Wednesday at Dr. Chandler's for a regular appt and a sonogram as well to check Noah's growth. Please be in prayer with us as we ask the Lord for amazing healing in his heart and praise the Lord regardless, because He is good and He is forming Noah how he pleases.

Thank you family, friends and church family.

we love you.

shaina