Let It Rain

It's 1:00am. I had to get up to pump. Bleh. Yet, I'm so glad I can do this for Noah, so I press on. :) I couldn't go back to sleep though, so I'm downstairs at the computer desk at the Ronald McDonald House, updating y'all on where we are at and what's been going on...this might be long and hard to follow. Bear with me.

It's raining. Hard. Like, a big thunderstorm with thunder and lightening. Wind too, like at home. It's nice. Thankful for rain to cool things down and refresh them. Of course in Ft. Worth this might just mean lots of humidity tomorrow, no refreshment about that. haha. O well, I'm thankful anyway. The jeep needed a good power wash.

Poor Nick, the first time we have slept in the same room, much less the same bed, in about a week and I wake him up snoring, then I didn't wake up to hear my alarm going off to pump. Ugh. I feel bad. Someday, we'll be back in a routine and I won't be so bothersome at night. He's so sweet about it all though. I'm thankful for a husband who is gracious and patient with me. (with everything) Truly. He has been so amazing through this entire process. He has let me be mad, upset, confused, angry, sad, happy and excited about the smallest things. He calls me beautiful, he misses me being at home. He takes care of Ava so much and so willingly. He's so excited to have her back at home with him starting tomorrow evening. We make a team and that is what marriage is. Honoring the Lord, worshiping him, through our union. Being a team for him is the highest goal of marriage. I think we do a decent job of it. I truly believe that God has so many things in store, not only for our family of 4, but for the two of us. We have gotten to a level of depth lately, by force and by choice, that it is a comfortable settled in feeling. It feels right, it isn't always easy, but it is worth it. We sacrifice when needed and give when it's hard. We go without and we endure large loads as well. I'm thankful to be on team W and to be submitted underneath Nick in all the things God takes us through. I love being Nick's wife.

I also love being Ava's mommy. I dread tomorrow as they drive off. :( I cannot imagine the next few weeks without my silly Ava smiles, her goofy laughs, her saying "hi" to everyone in the hospital. I just cry every time I think about her not being near me. I have not been apart from Ava for longer than overnight since she was born and I am truly needing prayer to stay strong and get through tomorrow without a total breakdown. I feel like such a whimp and yet at the same time, I feel like I've become stronger than ever the last month through all we've been through, why can I not get a grip? Ava will be more than taken care of. Her daddy adores her and will take wonderful care of her each morning and night and during the day she will have wonderful care at home mon-wed with our family friend coming over to watch her and thursday-friday she will get to go play with and be taken care of by another family friend. She will be ok. She will not forget who I am. She will thrive and even grow during the next few weeks that we are apart. God loves my baby and I trust that he has her best interests in mind and she is more than a sparrow to him. She is precious and she will be ok. I have to believe that for myself as well. He loves me, he has my best interests in mind, I will be ok and taken care of and I am not abandoned. I have a lot to learn and grow through this week. I can feel it.

So, the logistics update...
Obviously nick and ava are leaving tomorrow. They are going back with Katrina and James, who came down with nick friday night. My parents are going home as well. Staci went back to N Carolina yesterday. This is our last night at the Ronald McDonald house. I feel that since I will be by myself, we should let a family who needs the space have the room we have been using and I can go back to staying with Stacey and Kevin, (nick's cousin and her husband). It is not too bad of a drive from their house to the hospital, so I think it will work fine. I can go back and forth as I please. I can stay at the hospital if I want, go to their house if I want, etc. I'm so thankful for a place to call "home". God's provision is always steady.

Noah James has had some good days lately. :) We're thankful! He is tolerating my milk well.YAY! He get 2 cc's an hour. He has been off the pacemaker since 7 am and that is great! yay! They continue to go down on certain meds. Some he still needs. He only has one drain left from having 3 post surgery to help drain fluid from his chest. He does not have a central line anymore. His picc line is still doing well in his hand and the other IV changes from foot to hand, depending on the time of day it seems. He got clean bedsheets and a bath after we left tonight. He keeps peeing and pooping well. ha. :) He opened his eyes and had a good time with his daddy tonight. They enjoyed catching up I think. He is getting better with his pacifier each day. I think that is a huge step and will help him to adapt to a bottle later. :) yay!
My concerns today were his swelling. They are pumping a lot of fluid into him by necessity. He has quite a few meds still, the regular iv fluids, fats, calories, etc. They increased his diuretics some to help get the fluid down, time just also helps that. I just ask for extra prayers in this dept because the more he de swells, the easier it will be for him to have the wound vac taken off, the vent to come out, etc. Things will just be better when he can stay less swollen. I love his cheeks, but they have been a little too chubby.

I suppose that is all for now. I might be updating again after the family leaves. Probably need an outlet for all my emotions. :( then again, I might just be crawled up with my blankee in Noah's room, soaking up the quiet and aloneness....I'll play it by ear.

Again, thank you for your love, for keeping up with us, your prayers. My how we have felt the millions of prayers being said for Noah. We are truly humbled, blessed and loved. Praise Him, for he is so good.

much love,
shaina

Time Gone By...

Yesterday marked a month that Ava and I have been gone from home. Sheesh. It seems like less than that and it also seems longer than that. I miss my bed, I miss my kitchen, I miss Ava having her own room, her own space to run around, gosh I even miss my own bathroom. I miss my United and all my people I know there (partially from working there and partially it's just my grocery store and pharmacy), I miss my CHURCH, I miss just running into people I know. Many people hate Amarillo/Canyon and get far away, and I understand that, but it is home and I miss it. I truly miss it and its flatness, its stink, the way I know where everything is, the fact that it is mine. I just miss it. I think at some point I'll actually miss some of what's down here too. A few of the nurses, such easy access to chick-fil-a (there is one in the cafeteria here), the way that I am getting sleep while I'm down here, the quiet time that I get when I sit in Noah's "room" with him for hours. I will miss that at some point when we get home. But, I can say right now that I have never missed home like I do now. All that to say....home isn't ever going to be the same, once we do get back and settled in. Not because we will have 2 children now, that is change enough, but because one of our children will forever have a heart defect. The surgeries he has and will undergo correct the heart so he can live and thrive, but he will live with the effects his entire life. He will most likely always be on some kind of heart medication, he will go to routine appts through out life for maintaining healthy heart function, he will live with different needs and different struggles. Our home life, our life in general will never be the same. But, it doesn't mean that it will be bad. Hard, yes at times. Blessed, always. I think of all the changes we will need to make in our daily life. I can't just pack the kids up and go to the store one afternoon or run to see a friend or have a play date for Ava with someone. We will be very secluded in our home for quite awhile, taking turns going to church, my time alone and out of the house will be to the grocery store most likely. haha. We will have to strictly limit visitors and the length of time they can stay over. If you want to meet Noah at all in the first year of his life, you will need a flu shot and a whooping cough vaccine. There will be constant hand washing and antibacterial gel all over the house. I've never had to check O2 saturation before, daily and to be monitoring his coloring, his overall demeanor along with O2 sats etc. blah blah blah... so overwhelming to me, when it is all laid out like this. Sheesh. How will we ever adjust and adapt? Then, I go up to see Noah, look at him, touch his head, hold his hand and realize...I don't care what it takes, he's coming home with us, we will get through whatever lies ahead for our family, we will make the adjustments necessary for him to thrive at home and we will be thankful for ALL the hardships and craziness because we have our Noah with us and we could not be more proud of him or thankful for him.

Doesn't God feel the same way about us? I know he does. He doesn't give up, he doesn't quit, he doesn't get overwhelmed at all it takes to get us to come home. He delights in us, in our struggle, in our needy-ness, he wants to do everything to make sure we are well taken care of and thriving. He deeply cares. He knows that we are completely helpless without him and that doesn't scare him away from taking us in, making us his own and never giving up on us.

I am thankful that He never gives up on us. I am grateful that we are never left alone, to figure it all out for ourselves with no direction. We don't realize the support and help we have in our savior until we actually seek it out. It never run outs, runs dry or fails us. Yet, as Christians, sometimes, a lot of the time, I feel like we don't even ASK for help from our Father. We complain, we gripe, we go tell our best friend, we worry and we waste away, while the Spirit is there waiting to cover us and help us. We HAVE to ask though. I have caught myself complaining to God, but never asking for His hand in my life. I have had such a shift in my faith the last few months(since we found out about noah's condition), but the last 2 weeks have thrown me deeper into the waters of His character and when the saying, "Deep cries out to deep" is thrown around in worship songs here and there, it has become a reality to me, because each time I don't think I can get any deeper into his Word, his love, his covering, his grace, I go another level deeper. I'm addicted. I would NEVER want my child or any others to have to go through what we are going through. Ever. It is hard, it is more than hard, it is absolutely terrifying at times, but I know that it has brought me to a level in my relationship with Christ, that I would never go back either. I truly treasure the time spent, in the Word and in prayer, in the quiet as he sits with me. I am thankful for it and I need it so much.

If there is any reason that we are going through this, it is simply for the fact that we are walking closer than ever to the Lord. That is enough of an answer for me, now. It has taken awhile, but I am coming to terms with the fact that there is not a solid black and white answer for why we were dealt this hand, but if the only reason is because it as drawn us to the Father......well, ok then Lord. Thank you. Truly thank you. As hard as it is to be thankful for this struggle and hardship....thank you Lord. I am certain that you are being glorified and honored through my son. He's yours anyway.

blessings,
shaina


p.s. an update: Noah has had some good days the last couple of days. He is making some strides in his recovery and is resting well, healing slowly and just being so sweet. He has had a couple of things taken off, like his central line and an iv. He is no longer cathed, so he gets diaper changes and they weigh the diapers. He is on the pacemaker for stability. He has an underlying rhythm but it is not as stable as they would like yet. He has gone down on some of his meds over the last few days and they are slowly tryingn to wean him off of the ventilator. all good things. all thanks to the Father, the prayers he has answered from all the people lifting Noah up and such amazing medical care. we are blessed. thank you to everyone who is praying. We will never be able to thank each of you enough. Y'all bless us daily. thank you so much!

Scars of Hope

 I think about Noah getting sewn up today. I am thrilled we have come to this place in his recovery. I am so thankful that he will not have a patch covering his chest, right where his heart is. There is comfort in having him closed up and on the mend. I also know there are risks that can come up with this small yet serious procedure today. So, I lift him up yet again, in every little detail to the Lord so I can know He is covered and in His hands.

 I think about the scar little Noah will have. We met a little boy named Tabor during our tour and we got to see his scar. It was a sweet little scar, pretty big for a small baby, but it wasn't gross, it wasn't a big deal to any someone's eyes...but it will be a big deal the rest of his life to his parents and to himself because it means he is alive, he is here. I look at my scar from both babies and I am thankful. It isn't pretty, it isn't attractive, but it is mine. It means I have babies, it means I'm blessed with a family. I'll take this scar over a "pretty tummy" anyday. That leads me to this... Christ has scars. Those scars mean healing and freedom for me. By his wounds I am healed. By his wounds, Noah is healed. By His turmoil, torture and beating, by his ultimate death, I am alive, I am here. I am blessed. Why is it that we get so discouraged by scars, by wounds, by tough times? Because they hurt. IT's not easy, it's tough, it hurts, it stings, it is confusing, it is hard to understand, make sense of and certainly hard to see your child suffer through it all. Yet, by Noah's wound, he will be healed. That scar means he had heart surgery (2 more to come at that) and through this hard time, he will be able to function. Through all the hard times he is going through and will go through, he will have testimony to share and Christ to be thankful for. Scars aren't meant to be looked at for what they are, but for what they stand for. Christ's nail pierced hands are not pretty at first glance, but they are gleaming with hope and beauty when you look at what they mean.
I hope that somehow all that I am learning through Noah will bless him someday. I hope that he will not struggle deeply with his scar, his life story, his trials as he gets older, as other kids/teens/adults his age can "do more" than he can or run longer, play more sports, etc. I hope he takes his testimony, his scar, his life and will let Christ continue to use it as he already has (at 10 days old) for his glory.
There are times when I get real still and quiet and satan tries to fill me with doubts, questioning God on why my child? why children at all? Why would you make him this way? why would you want us to go through this? I have to combat that with the TRUTH that God does not make mistakes, there is no plan b. He was not surprised by Noah's heart condition, he formed him and made him in his image, whether I understand that or not. I am thankful that I can have hope in him even when it is so hard. I know someone reading this is struggling with why God seems so far off, why he does not seem to care, why did he give me this issue or this trial? As my Jesus Calling book stated a few days ago, "Don't evaluate my ways with you, simply accept them thankfully" I dare you to thank God for your illness, your child who is driving you crazy, for your struggle whatever it may be, job search, financial trials, family problems...thank him first for them, yes you read correctly....thank him... and then seek him. really. just be honest with him.  There is no need to reveal yourself to God, when he already knows your inmost thoughts. Just be with him. Be real with him. If I had not questioned and wrestled with the Lord over the last few weeks (well, months since this whole thing started) I would not be able to write this, function, continue to trust and seek him at all.
I also know that without the body of Christ, his people, rallying around us to pray, support and love, I would not have the strength I do as well. I would be in shambles. The power of prayer is beyond real. It is the fuel that we need to fight this fight of faith. Bless others by your prayers. Encourage them with your words. Be sensitive to the Spirit and pray when he asks. Someone is leaning on and resting in those prayers. I have been one of those and I am thankul beyond words. I truly cannot ever thank any of you enough for the prayers you have spoken over my family, myself, nick, ava, mom, dad, and especially Noah James.
Blessings always,
shaina

A "Heart"felt Thanks

Hello everyone. It has been quite a week and my updates have been easier to post to facebook off and on than to get on here and try to post a big update. I have a chance now to sit and try to go through the week. Monday went without a hitch. The c section went as planned and it was an amazing experience to actually hear him cry and scream as they took out. Ava's cord was wrapped around her so we didn't hear her cry at first and it was just an amazing experience to hear. Nick was able to carry him over to me and let me see him and touch him. The only time Noah didn't scream in the OR was when his daddy was holding him. He is such a sweet baby. I was just overwhelmed with love and joy and just seeing my hubby with his boy was an exceptional experience. :) My recovery has been up and down. Sometimes I over do it and then pay for it because I end up hurting real bad. My spinal was a normal ordeal, but my back pain since then has been a little worse than with Ava. I also have just wanted to be up and about to see Noah and be there, so I've walked a bit too much at times and have paid for it later. My pain meds work well and I have been able to keep up with those. We have gotten settled into the Ronald McDonald house and will be staying there the duration of Noah's stay. We are blessed to be there and be cared for there. They are all so nice and it is a comfortable place.

Noah's surgery day was a long long day but we could not be in a better place than Cook Children's for this type of surgery and recovery. The team was solid and informative, the surgeon as I've described him before is a genius and so intimidating with his intelligence, yet personal and nice. :) hehe We want it that way. :) The updated up every hour on the progress and then we were able to give him kisses right out of surgery and on his way to the PICU. He is in the PICU and has one on one care all day and night. He has a lot of drips, (iv nutrition, antibiotics, blood pressure meds, etc)he is on a pacemaker, he is still not sewn up, so he has a patch over his chest where they did the surgery. It is quite the experience to see that. Hopefully his swelling will go down and he will be able to be sewn back up in the next day or so. Please pray his swelling will begin to reside. He should start peeing a lot real soon and it will help. He is such a trooper. So many tubes and monitors on him, but he is just amazing.
thank you to those who have prayed for us, sent us messages, those who have been in town and have come to see us. WOW! We have been OVERWHELMED and we will never actually know just how many people have been praying and keeping up with Noah. We are just humbled as ever.

Praises:
Noah came into the world!!!
my surgery went well
recovery has been good
Noah made it through open heart surgery!!
My milk came in the 3rd day after him being born and it is staying, even increasing. thank you Lord!
We have a "home base" at the Ronald McDonald house
My mom is able to stay longer than we hoped at first. :) so thankful!
my best friend is here right now!!! so needed!
my sissy comes in for a week in October!!!
Nick's job is allowing him to be gone for 2 weeks. praise God. Having him by my side has been essential. marriage is a beautiful thing, especially in times like these. thankful.
we are overwhelmed with the outpouring of love, prayers, support, and encouragement. thank you!

requests:
for Noah's swelling to go down
for Noah to be sewn back up and for that procedure to go smoothly.
for him to take his time with the healing but for him to be able to be weened off the pacemaker at his own pace
for him to continue to thrive and for all his other bodily functions to continue to work normally as they have this whole time.
continued milk supply
safety for dad traveling back and forth as he goes home tomorrow and comes back next weekend
for Ava to continue to thrive and do well with all the change (just a note: she has been amazing and has done so well this whole time, it's amazing! She has grown so much and has started saying all sorts of words and numbers, singing, "reading" books, etc)
for my recovery. swelling to go down and for my scar to heal well.
for my heart to stay steady and focused on God's timing and plan for Noah, not my own. :)
I'm homesick. I haven't been home since Sept 8th. feeling it.

 

guess that is the update for now. Thanks for riding this road with us. we are blessed beyond measure by every one's support and love.

blessings
shaina

well...here it is.

So, tomorrow is the day. I've been counting the days to get through the last two weeks of being away from home, without hubby, etc. Now, we're at the eve of Noah's birth and I am oddly enough in such a stuper of peace and "ok-ness" I have suddenly been bombarded with facebook posts from everyone and it is the most humbling thing I have ever experienced. Truly, I am speechless at all the support and outpouring of concern and love for our Noah. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Noah will be safe and sound, through all of this, because of this covering that we have, over us, constantly. I have been in a state of peace, healthy anxiety or better word excitement really. I am thankful for the lack of nerves, lack of emotion (in a good way, if you know me haha). Strength has been evident to me today because I didn't have too hard of a time letting Ava go, to stay with mimi and tpaw at the hotel for tonight, so we can actually get some rest before tomorrow and get out of the house and to the hospital on time and with less trouble. ha :)

Tomorrow changes everything. Many of you who have more than 1 child have experienced this feeling. Everything changes. Nothing will be the same. Then add to that the craziness of heart surgery in a few days, a couple week stay in the hospital, back in a few months for surgery #2, a week stay for that, meds, oxygen saturation monitor and baby scale coming home with us, daily check ins from the hospital when we get home, to see how he is doing, etc. him learning to eat at approx week 3 of life, praying and hoping he'll catch on and do well. (that will be a big factor in him getting home)etc etc. All of that doesn't really cloud the excitement of the fact that we will meet our sweet noah tomorrow, regardless of the "extras" that come with him. sometimes I get overwhelmed, which is normal, but I think right now, I just want to meet him. :) one step at a time.

So, for all of you prayer warriors out there, here are some detailed prayer requests:

c-section to go smoothly
Noah to be delivered and get to the NICU easily and with good vitals
(i would LOVE to get to hold him, but it depends on how he is doing)
for Ava to have a smooth day with all the craziness

For now that is all that I will allow my mind and heart focus on. Tomorrow. the first day of the rest of this journey. We'll take it one day at a time. Thank you for walking this road with us, praying for us, keeping up with us. We're truly humbled beyond words by the outpouring of support and love.
wow.
God bless each of you for your selfless acts of prayer and support. The Body of Christ TRULY IS PRICELESS!
be blessed,
shaina

moments

Ava is asleep. There are times right now when she's sleeping that I can actually catch my breath, take a minute to myself and soak up a quiet Mary moment, as I like to call it....whether you are thinking of Martha's sister Mary, who chose to sit at the savior's feet or if you're thinking of Mary, Jesus's mother who pondered things in her heart as her son was asleep. You see, we must catch these quiet times, the moments of peace...especially as a mother, I've realized how much I NEED my quiet time with the Lord. I still have days where I end up passing by the whole day until the time that I crawl into bed and have some devotional and journaling....but then there are times when I get to sit, reflect, try to listen to the Lord, thank him for my children, even if I've had rough moments with one little toot of a girl..hehe, thank him for my husband, our home, his job, our family, etc etc. These times are what keep my perspective clear and my heart at peace. There are times, lately even, that I have doubted the peace I have. They say ignorance is bliss and is this peace I have simply ignorance of what is to come? Since I don't know any better, I just don't have a need to worry, etc. But, I know that's not true. If I didn't have a peace from the Lord, I WOULD be worried as ever, anxious, stressed, doubting, etc. I know my nature and I know that how I am handling this is not in my nature. Trust me. I used to worry, talk about every detail to two or three of my closest confidants, try to fix and figure it out, etc. I have my moments, I struggle often, but my overall sense of peace and "ok-ness" is strictly from the Lord. No doubt. This is what they call "peace beyond all understanding". I know it is from the prayers of you all. I feel this peace daily. There are times when Ava and I go round and round with discipline issues etc (as any toddler does) but, add the fact that I'm huge pregnant, tired, sore and have no energy to that mix and it can get frustrating, not to mention I don't have my hubby here to rescue me at 5:15pm. haha So, we'll have an issue but a few minutes later we're laughing and enjoying ourselves. Thank you Lord. There are times when I so desperately miss Nick and then he'll send me a funny text. There will be a moment when I feel lonely and someone will call, like my sister, my paw paw or my gran. I get frustrated with not being at home and then I realize that I have 1 load of laundry for the week and 1 room to keep clean right now (with a few toys, a couple of dishes and some odds and ends in the rest of the house) haha. Not shabby. :) Anyway, there are just times that the quiet is therapeutic, almost overwhelming.

So....
The details at this point are as follows:
Dr appt this Thursday-3:00pm
c-section scheduled for September 24th (this coming Monday) at 10:00am
Texas Health-Harris Methodist Hospital
Noah will be transferred directly to Cook Children's as soon as he's born. (down the hallway basically)
Surgery will be a few days after birth (at this point, if something changes we will update)
My parents, nick's dad and mom and mamaw will be coming in over the weekend and will all be here Monday-sometime later in the week. They will all have the joy of keeping up with Ava. go team. haha

We are continuing to pray for total health for Noah, for a good birth weight, good vitals and functions in all ways so that there are no other problems besides the heart condition he already has. So far that looks good. Praying for the possibility of getting to hold him some the first day or so (all depends on vitals, how he is doing in general, how his initial echo cardiogram goes,etc) this mommy sure would like a good holding session before his surgery because it will be a while after that before I will get to)
pray for all Dr's nurses techs etc. My Dr is Dr. Thomas Howard and he will do my c-section. He has been a sweet Dr so far. I've been so thankful for that. Dr.Allender is the pediatric cardiologist on call on Monday when Noah is born, so he will do his initial check up and echo on his heart, etc. He will also be the cardiologist that sees us in Amarillo when he comes to town for rounds. Dr. Tam is the surgeon who will operate on Noah. He is a nice man, very very knowledgeable and studied under the surgeon who the first procedure is named. (norwood) So we are confident in the Lord, through Dr. Tam and his hands.
Again, thank you for the prayers. The messages, the texts, calls, etc. I am so thankful. I feel them all. I know Nick has been doing well with staying busy on the house, with family, projects etc. Ava and I are hanging in there with finding outings in the day and trying to play in the evenings and watch lots of cartoons and such in bed together before she goes to her bed for the night. :)
We're going to get through this as champs because if God is for us, who can be against us!!

We WILL see the goodness of the Lord, very soon! (i mean each day, but  Monday is going to be extra special) hehe :)

love to all,
shaina

The Final Countdown

I've thought about this week for a long time now. Since May. Since that Friday night that I was curled up in bed crying and asking God why he would choose us for this journey. I've been thinking about this week and all I'm counting down. I absolutely cannot wait to see my hubby. I've missed him terribly and have been reminded of how much he does for me and how much just his presence is needed in my life. daily. I am counting down seeing my parents. I am excited to have them here and near for all of this. They have been pillars for me, consistently, and continue to be so. I am counting down the days until we meet Noah. We actually get to meet him and see him a week from tomorrow. That is a crazy realization for me. I am so excited. I have realized a lot today, so many things, but one of the big things I have realized is that Ava is growing up by leaps and bounds every day. I have also realized just how much of a sponge she is and that has made me ever so aware of my attitude and my words. Wow. I have been convicted of that so much this last week as I get frustrated, annoyed, lonely, sad, miserable, weary of chasing her around, etc etc. There have been a few times where I have let me emotions go and she sees me cry and she pats me sweetly or hugs me tight. She is aware of emotion, attitude, etc. She knows what pushes my buttons and what makes me cave. haha. All that to say, I have realized I have such a huge job to do in teaching my daughter about attitude, patience, the Word, as Titus 2 teaches us women to live the gospel out for our children. Wow. wow. wow. Lord help. I need it! There is a fine line sometimes during disciplining a toddler where patience is short and attitude is evident, in the worst ways. There must be grace given in many ways, but at the same time there are lessons Ava has to be taught. Tiring, but worthwhile. With that, my prayer for myself for this week is to discipline where needed and extend grace and a Godly, loving example to Ava as consistently as my humanness can. :) Even as a toddler, she can learn Godly attributes from me, since we are together, all the time. ha. I am learning every day to let things go that I have been so concerned about. I know it sounds stupid, but I let Ava feed herself mac and cheese at the restaurant today. I know. Why was that a stretch for me? Because it was a slight mess, she was using her hands of course, some got in her hair, etc. BUT, I let it go and realized that she is washable, she was feeding herself like a big girl (has to learn), she enjoyed being independent in that way, it really wasn't that big of a mess, and she ate a good lunch because of it. win for her, win for me. success!
This blog is mainly about Ava because I desperately want to make sure she does not slip through my hands during all of this stuff with Noah. I want to soak her up, love her deeply, teach her lots, hug her neck as much as I can, etc etc before I don't see her for a couple of weeks, before she grows up even more, etc. Even when she is annoying and driving me crazy, she is my poo bear and I couldn't do life without her. She's such a blessing and will be a great big sissy. I'm sure of it!

thank you all for your prayers and love. truly. They're felt daily.
blessings,
shaina