Resolutions Part 2

This time last year I posted on resolutions. I am a planner and an organizer, but I tend to have problems following through. There are so many things that I desire to do and accomplish in 2010. Personal goals, marriage goals, health goals, work goals, dreams and desires are running around in my brain and in my heart. I desire to get them out on paper, but it is hard to organize it all. I could go through each thing and reasons why, but I suppose that would take all day. If I only list them all, what good is that? So, I guess I list them with a short explanation, getting the best of both worlds.

My personal goals have a lot to do with some things I learned a few months ago:

I need sufficient sleep

time with Nicholas everyday

working out 4 days a week or more

vitamins, regular medicines daily

lots of water

personal and quiet time with the Lord

time with my best friend, accountability and prayer partner every week

corporate fellowship/worship weekly

Business Goals:

more freelance customers/orders

to meet all goals and continue to grow sales in my current job

to find new/interesting ways to display, sell and create

to somehow get a raise. :)

Ministry goals:

to seek out and find where I am to be serving

organize and promote Manna Ministries as God desires me to

All of these things encompass being me to the best of my ability and also allowing God to mold me, shape me and help me become a woman of grace, mercy, gentleness and beauty.

more to come in 2010.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

A few years back I was a scrooge. I did not want to decorate, have a tree, help mom with her house, go to family gatherings, cook, bake goodies, buy gifts, give gifts, of course we always WANT gifts. :) haha. None the less, it was a bad year. It was miserable. Since being married for a few years, we have noticed that the holidays are so very busy with house hopping and sharing time with families. Now that we are home owners we are finding that the holidays are even better because we have kitchen space, a fireplace and plenty of room for people and pretty decor. Well, I have found that anyway. I enjoy it. I think that I have a nack (that how you spell that??) for having company over, being a hostess. I am finding that I love planning and decorating and having people in my home. Anyway, all of that to say, that this Christmas, so far, has been quite wonderful! It can only get better with all that is ahead!

I've had a small setback yesterday and today. Apparently my body decided to make me halt and rest. I had a temperature of 100.4 last night (which if you know me is like 103 for most people). It was miserable and with a good dose of advil and sleep I seem to be on the mend today. BUT, I feel like I am now behind and off schedule for the month. If you took a look at my day calendar, you'd see that there are barely any clear days. I like it that way, but my body does not sometimes. So, a fever got my attention.

Speaking of being a hostess; I just hosted a recipe shower for a dear friend of mine, last sunday. It was one of the most wonderful times I've had since my wedding showers. A room full of Godly women sharing advice, stories and the hearts with each other about marriage and life. Tears, laughter, really yummy snacks and cozy fellowship made for a completely love afternoon! I was so pleased and blessed to have such a compilation of amazing women in my home, at one time! What a blessing!

I will post some pictures of our house soon. I suppose I should pick things up a bit and then take pictures! :)

I could have made about 5 different posts out of this one post, but I have the time to sit and write this afternoon and I haven't had the time in quite awhile. My best friend is home. aaaahhhh. Although she is home, we've seen each other once. hahaha. talked quite a bit, but have not hung out. I'm so ready for sunday night! That will fix it. :)

Suppose that is all for now..who knows, I might be back later today....never know what I might think of to write.

Round and Round....

I go. Up and down. Week to week it is something different. Lately, things have seemed rather stable and steady. The Thanksgiving holiday was blessed and my cup ran over with blessing, rest and goodness! Then Monday happened. Seems as though I was due for a typical monday. I generally have pretty good mondays. This week has just started out so rotten and I have found myself, in my recent growth, pushing myself to not go slip into my hole, but keep my head up, my knees bent in prayer and my mind focused on the things of Christ. Not the things that keep dragging me down. The hole is so comfy and dark. It is known and yet I am learning to resist.

"She thinks she can She thinks she can....."

drama queen

Lord, may I not be the one to cause drama in others lives. To be an annoyance and burden to anyone. I desire to edify and encourage the people around me, not bring pain or corruption. Lord be my helper. Keep my mind pure and when others get to me and make me waiver, help me to ignore the drama and remember your plan and desires. Keep my mind clear of anger and rude thoughts. Help me to just let things slide that are not from you.

Our little kitty

Meet Dot
She is the newest member of our little family. :) Nick went to the SPCA and the opened her cage and she crawled up his arm and onto his shoulder and Nick knew she was ours. She is a snuggler and a stinker at the same time. She is fun and sweet. We are glad to have a new little friend and we already spoil her a bit. :) she is fun and is already making herself at home!

A New Day

So there are many reasons why today is a new day for me.

First of all, it IS a new day. It is only 9:42am and I have until 12 midnight to make the most of it. Second of all, it is the day after one of the biggest "falling outs" I have been involved in, in a long long time. It is a new day because I am beginning to realize how much I have and do neglect my heart, my relationship with the Father and I allow myself to be depressed, down and feeling responsible for other people's spiritual walk, life, etc. I have let go today. I have let go of the hurt, the pain, the crap that I have put myself through over the last 2 years. I think there have been times when stuff has fallen apart and I pretend I'm ok, I pretend that I am in control of my heart, etc and I put on my happy face. I cannot pretend anymore. The past two years have been the hardest emotional years I have had since my first year of college. It has been draining, hurtful, and yet growing and exciting. A lot has been taught and learned, but a lot has been thrown into the swine pin and lost for good. BUT, because this is a new day, my Jesus has gone down into the swine pin, found my pearls and brought them back....he's washed them gently until they shine and put them together into a strand that he has placed over my neck. He swam in pig junk and muck, just to restore my heart and my pearls. I am so grateful for my Jesus and his sweet care over me. I'm thankful for my husband, who defends my heart. I am thankful for Regina who is my shield-bearer and warrior sister. I am thankful for parents who have loved me at every awkward stage, bad attitude, stupid decision, etc. They have loved me and raised me in the Lord. I am thankful for my sister who is like a best friend. We talk about anythig/everything. I can count on her for prayer and support and also a truthful word. She is special and so sweet. :)
Today is a new day because I am making a new list. Making new goals and asking for those closest to me, to love me through this time of change in my life. New seasons are good things. Not always wanted or welcomed but necessary and needed.
So to tangibly write and see the things I desire for myself now, I am going to list them and come back to them to continue in them. I am going to be vulnerable enough to put them on here, for the world to see, so that I might not be sitting in the same place I was yesterday.

Things I need daily:
7-8 hours of sleep
at least 15 -30 minutes of quiet time to myself
at least 30 minutes to an hour of quiet time with the Lord
to journal
conversation with my husband
a walk or bike ride
64 oz of water
my medications for allergies
vitamins - prescribed by doctor
herbal supplement
to be productive at work

Things I need weekly:
time with a mentor
time with the body of Christ
dinner with Nick's family - fridays
conversations with my mom, dad and sister
to be creative
to clean my home

Things I want to learn:
spanish - still
how to be a gentle woman
how to be a wife/woman of noble character

Things I desire:
to be a Godly wife
to be a faithful sister, daughter, grandaughter, cousin, niece, etc.
to be a mom
to be a business owner- work from home
to know what ministry God wants me to serve in
to have friends that are mature and desire to edify me, not manipulate me.
to be healthy

So, now that I have poured my heart out for the world to see, I feel free. Free to be me and be purposeful with my life. To be able to dust my feet of the past and the people who have kept me in the pig pin. I am wearing my new strand of pearls and the armor of the Lord. what a picture huh. :) pearls and armor. May I forgive those who have hurt me, and I pray so much that they can forgive me, if/when I hurt them. I do not want my name to be one of negative reputation, but one of honor. May I start today, seeing things in a clear, new perspective. Thank you Lord for my life and the ups, downs and in-betweens. :)

Friends

I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of trying to be friends with everyone, please everyone, make sure everyone is happy, taken care of, etc etc etc. I just get hurt. The level of hurt I feel and have dealt with in the last 2 years is at an all time high. I would be quite content to just keep the acquaintances I have, the close friends I have now, and my family near and that's all. I'm tired of meeting people, being vulnerable enough to share with them and trust them....only to betrayed and hurt.
so right now I'm done being the friend. I'm done being the one who makes sure everyone is happy. I am just me, Nick's wife, Tracy and Lisa's daughter and Staci's sister. If you are my friend and we're close, I treasure you. If you've been hurt by me, I'm desperately sorry and if you've hurt me, I'm trying to forgive you. If you do not belong in one of those categories, I'll try to open up some. For now, I just want to be...

Time to Lay it Down...

Well, for the last almost 2 years Nick and I have been involved in collegiate ministry. It has been a huge blessing and yet it has been a huge burden at times. This is one of those times and I have decided to take a much needed sabbatical. In this time of rest I am asking the Lord to show me what He desires of me beyond ministry and the church. What does he desire of me? period. What is next in my life? I am anxious to see where God takes me in this time of release. there is hurt that needs to be released, rest that needs to be soaked up and blessings to be harvested while I settle my heart and mind. We'll see what God decides to do in me now that I have finally surrendered.

On the Hunt...

For a house...

ya. nuff said. keep us in your prayers...

don't know a thing...

I'm not completely sure why I still write on this thing. Ever. No one actually reads it or anything. I am not blogging about getting married, buying a house, having kids, a new amazing job, moving cities, getting a new pet, or a new car or even a raise. No, I'm just writing to get stuff off my chest. Boring, but gosh, there sure is a lot right now. Its built up over the course of the last few months. People get on my nerves. I'm to the point where sometimes I would rather not associate with so many people because it would allow me to avoid much of the pain i tend to feel these days. I've gotten to where I know better and press on towards relationships and trying so that I will not clam up in my home and never come out.
People change. a lot. all the time. it is a good thing, but people go about it in the wrong way sometimes. well, a lot of the time. either way, we all need change. Why is it that people don't know how to change and still be aware of others around them. Why is it that in the midst of GOOD change, people think it is BAD and ASSUME things about people that aren't true.
I'm tired of feeling pulled in all directions. Like these people, don't like these, go to this church, don't go to that one, do this with your life, don't do that, have kids now, wait to have kids for then, buy a house now, don't wait any longer, no wait until you're ready. gosh. I'm just tired. I'm tired of everyone around me thinking they know me and what is best for me. I sound like I am 18 and barely out of high school, rebelling against my parents and needing to go drive for a thousand miles in one direction.
I don't care where you go to church, what you do for a living or who you call your friends. I'm doing my best everyday, to be my best for the Lord and to trust that He is guiding Nick and myself into his plan for us. Please don't try to get in the way of that.
Nick and I will buy a house when God leads us to one. We will have children when he is ready to bless our socks off. We will own our own business when he says, JUMP, I've got you! AND, we will always be content and satisfied with the life God gives us because without Him, we would be miserable.
I don't know why people think after a few months of time, things just go back to normal. I don't understand why people hold grudges. I don't get that fact that people think they are better than others. I wish I knew why college girls fight all the time. I have never understood why pastors think they have to please everyone and I sure as heck don't know why I do some of the things I do for the people I do, BUT, without all of that misunderstanding, confusion and questioning, I am coming to realize that God was not lying when he spoke through his Word saying, "he holds all things together". His purpose prevails even amidst people's grudges and egos.

I just talked to my best friend. somehow, she makes things make sense.

frustration

since I don't have the ability to get my paints out i'll just spill then...

Why is it that so many people are so stinkin lazy these days? I don't understand how it goes through their mind, "oh, i'll just slide on by and let everyone else do stuff for me". RRRR. I was taught to work hard, to put my best in all that I do and to be proud of what I do. I feel like there are little to no people, younger than myself, that think that way. It drives me crazy. stinkin crazy. My kids will know the meaning of work and putting your best in what you do. I can guarantee it.

attaining branchness

John 15

The Vine and the Branches

1"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. 2He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes[a] so that it will be even more fruitful. 3You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. 4Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.
5"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. 6If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. 7If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. 8This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.

9"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. 10If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. 11I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. 12My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. 13Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. 14You are my friends if you do what I command. 15I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. 16You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. 17This is my command: Love each other.


What is it that makes me reluctant to living on the vine? I tend to live off of my own energy, work, church, people, events, activities, even my laziness at times. I cling to and live off of all these things that have no life in them and then I wonder why I feel so dry, tired and burnt out. The Vine is the Lord. Abiding and remaining in Him is all he asks, yet I make that one of the lowest things on the priority list thinking that if I get all these things done, accomplished, etc that it will make it easier to live on the Vine. Why is that? Why am I not just satisfied in Him, the Vine, the creator of life itself? My desire is to be so connected to the vine and His life giving nourishment that the things I find myself wrapped up in will slowly unwrap themselves and I will be solely attached to Him, not anything else....that He will be the core and the center of my life, guiding my decisions, showing me His will and His way in all things.

Dry & Bitter

I haven't painted since my last semester of college. I suppose it is because the last painting that I finished or even worked on has a lot of history and memories attached to it and I still avoid that part of my life and heart right now. So, as I think about a blank canvas, the possibilities abound. There is so much I could do with a blank canvas and yet I am almost afraid to approach it. It causes things to surface that I thought I had buried so well. I'm not bitter, at all. I'm over that. Some people don't know how to get through the bitterness. Dry though, yes. It is time to let go and be open to refreshment and fluidity. hopefully i'll end up with a piece of art that somehow quenches the thirst.

Abundant Life

Is the fullness in my heart that I have right now. Grace, redemption, love, the relationship with true believers, seeing God's plan unfold, growing out of doubt and growing into faith. THIS is abundant life. God's fullness bubbling over. My cup is overflowing. My life is in His hands. My heart is overjoyed that there has been made beauty from ashes.
simply satisfying, lovely and worth all the growing pains and hurting.
Praise God from whom all blessings flow...

Vacation Ramblings...

Well, we've been here in St. Louis since Sunday and it has been WONDERFUL!! We got here Sunday night and had some mexican food and good conversation with my father in law and stepmother in law. On Monday we just stayed in the house; slept in, watched TV, and just chilled out. We did get out once, for White Castle and a few groceries for the house. :) Tuesday we stayed in all day as well. In fact, we didn't leave the house all day, until about 8 and we went to Baskin Robbins for ice cream. :) So on Wednesday we decided to go to the Budweiser Brewery for a tour! It was really interesting and we had a great time together. We also enjoyed a free drink at the end of the tour. :) Then we decided to go to the St. Louis Cathedral Basilica. It is GORGEOUS!!! It is the largest collection of mosaic art work in the WORLD!! Every square inch of the place is either mosaic or marble. Just breathtaking. We could have just sat there and looked up, for hours. :) The weather has been BEAUTIFUL and it even RAINED last night. I hadn't heard thunder in forever!!!! It was a pretty rain and we enjoyed it. I think Bob and Carrie thought we were crazy. haha. We went to the St. Louis Zoo today and had a blast as well! They have a really neat collection of various animals! Even though we don't have kids we noticed how kid friendly it is and if you have kids and are in the area, you should definitely go. It is FREE and there are LOTS of neat things to see and do. There are a few things that cost money, but they are optional. Anyway, it was a fun time and now our feet are completely aching. :) We were going to try to make it to the Art Museum today, but ran out of time, so I think we are going to try to go Saturday when Carrie isn't working since she will enjoy it as well. Tomorrow we're sleeping in, chillin at home and then for dinner we are going out to The Bistro Restaurant for dinner and jazz music. That should be a fun time! :) Then on Saturday we are doing some more sleeping and resting, as well as going to the movies and the Art Museum. Then on Sunday we make our way back home... :) It has been such a wonderful time of just hanging out with each other!!!! I mean, we generally see each other for 5 minutes in the morning and then for a few hours in the evening. So, this has been very nice, just getting to spend time together. Love it!!!

Back to the normal pace next week, but until then, we still have 3 days. :) we'll soak it up!!

Vacation.

This time on Sunday I will be nestled into the in-law's home, ready for a full night's sleep. I am so ready to get up to St. Louis and relax and refuel for a week. I am excited to get to spend an entire week with my Nicholas and really get to relax together. I think I might even get to read a book, journal, design and sleep (very excited about that). I won't have to be concerned with work, dishes, laundry, more work, more work, cleaning, etc etc. We have also not seen Nick's dad and stepmom since our wedding day! So we are very excited to get to spend some time with them as well. It will be such a blessing to get to catch up with them and enjoy their company.

Please pray that we have a safe trip, with much rest, relaxation and fun times! :)

Credibility.

cred⋅i⋅ble   [kred-uh-buhl] Show IPA Pronunciation
–adjective
1. capable of being believed; believable: a credible statement.
2. worthy of belief or confidence; trustworthy: a credible witness.

Are you credible? Can people trust that you will do what you say you will do? Can people believe you when you speak with them? Are you worthy of someone's confidence or belief in your word? just something to think about. Whether you are a top leader in your company, a mother, a sister, a father, a brother, a friend, a co-worker, etc etc Do you say what you mean and mean what you say? Do you walk what you talk? It is something for all of us to think about. Something I have not thought about a whole lot until recently.

Swept Away

Every girl loves a bit of romance, right? I know that in life, we tend to remember the times when we have been romanced, by our significant other. My husband is amazing and loves me more than I know, but there is a romance that is deeper and more lovely than even his.

It is my rescuer's romancing me that has swept me away today. It has been awhile since I have been swept away by the beauty and simplicity of my saviour. Mainly because, I have not allowed myself to be vulnerable to him. Being vulnerable is not an easy way to be. I know it sounds weird, but in order to accept the true love that awaits you in your saviour and rescuer, you must be vulnerable, you must let go and you must trust. Those three things are very difficult for me to do. I have come to the point in my life where I do not want to be vulnerable because I might get taken advantage of or hurt by friends, co-workers, etc. I do not like to let go. It means I am not in control. Another character flaw that I possess. Letting go means, nothing more than, just that, letting go. completely. That tends to scare me. Lastly, you must trust. I have come to the point in my life where I trust very very very few people. I think I trusted people at face value so long, gave people the benefit of the doubt and thought everyone was just good that I learned that I got hurt way too easily, way too often. So, I don't trust many people. at all.
Tonight, I found myself driving to Canyon for the first time in about a month. Driving to Canyon generally is nothing special, but tonight I felt like I was being driven. I was along for the ride. My rescuer had come to save the day and restore some of the softness that has left me for some time now. He gently comes to me and reminds me of my worth, my beauty and his undying love for me. After months of fighting and struggling and feeling at a place where I was so hardened and so cold that I could not love people again, I felt a tender hand on my face, gazed into the savior's face and saw pure love. My best friend, my redeemer, my lover, my friend, my King, loving on me, the least of the least. No matter how many friends I see come and go, hard times come and go, and even good times that come and go, his constant, pure, unmatchable love is mine to experience, to soak up, to revel in, to enjoy, to delight in, to rely on, to mourn in, to grieve in and to also celebrate in, find joy in and worship in for the rest of time. He has ordered my steps, but he has shaped my heart. He created the heavens, but mended my torn edges. He is just and mighty, but he romances me with simple music, sun beams and a warm home on a cold night. He deserves more than I could ever give him, but he accepts my tiny, little offerings of praise when I'm all alone in the quiet. He has destroyed nations, and yet he wipes the tears from my cheeks and says, "my love, you're safe with me". What a beautiful place to be, in the arms of the Almighty. No other place on earth is as safe and yet majestic than his embrace. Oh how I long to remain here. Cozy and nestled within ultimate peace and delightful joy. It is worth waiting upon him. It is worth humbling myself to nothing. It is worth the fight and struggle we have with the enemy, for this moment of pure romance with the King of Kings. Don't give up on Him. Cry out for Him. He is mighty to save and gentle with his child. When you find yourself lost in his beauty and his delight, you realize your "problems" are but a tiny spec in the picture of his goodness. How lovely He is.

Day at a Time

So I have had quite a few people ask me in the last week or so if I am happy. I automatically think, "why yes!". BUT, when I stop and think about it, I am not for sure about that. Nick and I are being obedient in every way we can, following God's leading, seeking out what is next for us, and learning to be content in his perfect grace and plan. None the less, that does not mean it is easy. We were seriously contemplating buying a house, but we feel that God has told us to wait on that. I've felt that "settling" has been something I've done career wise right now, but God reminds me that He has me in the right place for the right time. We have dreams of owning our own business, but feel so far from that day that it seems impossible and unreachable. Then God reminds us that all things are in His hands and on his time line. So, we wait. We strive to seek out what God is wanting us to know for this day. For this time. We wait.

I know we will always be waiting on something... for now, we will actively wait upon the Lord for whatever He has for us.

how long?

Why since you’ve wounded my heart
Don’t You heal it?
Why don’t You heal?
And why since you’ve stolen my heart,
Do you leave it so?
Oh this heart of stone.

Why don’t you carry away my heart
You have stolen and left here broken
Why don’t you carry away my heart
Already taken

Awaken the dawning of a new heart
Where stone begins to bleed
For the arrow of God that runs through me
Leaves me in need
Here in need

Awaken

How long? How long? How long?

2009 Here we come!

Generally I don't get all excited about the new year. I don't buy noise makers, or make a long list of resolutions, scream and yell and get all excited, start a new diet, do anything out of the ordinary or whatever.

This year I have been very encouraged by the whole concept of the new year, new ideas, new goals, new experiences and adventures!

There are so many things I am looking forward to in this new year! I am refreshed and I know that the Lord is doing some amazing things in this new year.

I am encouraged that I am in the middle of God's will right now. It is easy to get swayed and serve off to the side. To get distracted by fetishes, people, habits, etc etc Even good things in life can be a roadblock. But, everyday is like a new year. New Mercies are abundant. Thank the Lord!

This new year has much ahead and Nick and I are blessed to have such amazing family, friends and especially our Lord and the union we have in marriage. We are excited to see what God will do in us and in our church family. So much of our lives are poured into things that don't matter and have no eternal value, and this year I know that Nick and I have a heart for serving and doing things that will effect the Kingdom, not just ourselves.

There are opportunities everywhere. My prayer for this new year is that we would be awakened, cleansed, purified, renewed and ready for service. I am working everyday to change old habits, create new habits and better myself, for His purposes.

I hope that your new year is as encouraging and blessed as ours has been! Start by counting your blessings, not being discouraged by what you don't have.

Happy New Year!

Blessings,
Nick and Shaina