A New Day

So there are many reasons why today is a new day for me.

First of all, it IS a new day. It is only 9:42am and I have until 12 midnight to make the most of it. Second of all, it is the day after one of the biggest "falling outs" I have been involved in, in a long long time. It is a new day because I am beginning to realize how much I have and do neglect my heart, my relationship with the Father and I allow myself to be depressed, down and feeling responsible for other people's spiritual walk, life, etc. I have let go today. I have let go of the hurt, the pain, the crap that I have put myself through over the last 2 years. I think there have been times when stuff has fallen apart and I pretend I'm ok, I pretend that I am in control of my heart, etc and I put on my happy face. I cannot pretend anymore. The past two years have been the hardest emotional years I have had since my first year of college. It has been draining, hurtful, and yet growing and exciting. A lot has been taught and learned, but a lot has been thrown into the swine pin and lost for good. BUT, because this is a new day, my Jesus has gone down into the swine pin, found my pearls and brought them back....he's washed them gently until they shine and put them together into a strand that he has placed over my neck. He swam in pig junk and muck, just to restore my heart and my pearls. I am so grateful for my Jesus and his sweet care over me. I'm thankful for my husband, who defends my heart. I am thankful for Regina who is my shield-bearer and warrior sister. I am thankful for parents who have loved me at every awkward stage, bad attitude, stupid decision, etc. They have loved me and raised me in the Lord. I am thankful for my sister who is like a best friend. We talk about anythig/everything. I can count on her for prayer and support and also a truthful word. She is special and so sweet. :)
Today is a new day because I am making a new list. Making new goals and asking for those closest to me, to love me through this time of change in my life. New seasons are good things. Not always wanted or welcomed but necessary and needed.
So to tangibly write and see the things I desire for myself now, I am going to list them and come back to them to continue in them. I am going to be vulnerable enough to put them on here, for the world to see, so that I might not be sitting in the same place I was yesterday.

Things I need daily:
7-8 hours of sleep
at least 15 -30 minutes of quiet time to myself
at least 30 minutes to an hour of quiet time with the Lord
to journal
conversation with my husband
a walk or bike ride
64 oz of water
my medications for allergies
vitamins - prescribed by doctor
herbal supplement
to be productive at work

Things I need weekly:
time with a mentor
time with the body of Christ
dinner with Nick's family - fridays
conversations with my mom, dad and sister
to be creative
to clean my home

Things I want to learn:
spanish - still
how to be a gentle woman
how to be a wife/woman of noble character

Things I desire:
to be a Godly wife
to be a faithful sister, daughter, grandaughter, cousin, niece, etc.
to be a mom
to be a business owner- work from home
to know what ministry God wants me to serve in
to have friends that are mature and desire to edify me, not manipulate me.
to be healthy

So, now that I have poured my heart out for the world to see, I feel free. Free to be me and be purposeful with my life. To be able to dust my feet of the past and the people who have kept me in the pig pin. I am wearing my new strand of pearls and the armor of the Lord. what a picture huh. :) pearls and armor. May I forgive those who have hurt me, and I pray so much that they can forgive me, if/when I hurt them. I do not want my name to be one of negative reputation, but one of honor. May I start today, seeing things in a clear, new perspective. Thank you Lord for my life and the ups, downs and in-betweens. :)

Friends

I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of trying to be friends with everyone, please everyone, make sure everyone is happy, taken care of, etc etc etc. I just get hurt. The level of hurt I feel and have dealt with in the last 2 years is at an all time high. I would be quite content to just keep the acquaintances I have, the close friends I have now, and my family near and that's all. I'm tired of meeting people, being vulnerable enough to share with them and trust them....only to betrayed and hurt.
so right now I'm done being the friend. I'm done being the one who makes sure everyone is happy. I am just me, Nick's wife, Tracy and Lisa's daughter and Staci's sister. If you are my friend and we're close, I treasure you. If you've been hurt by me, I'm desperately sorry and if you've hurt me, I'm trying to forgive you. If you do not belong in one of those categories, I'll try to open up some. For now, I just want to be...