Hello friends and family.
This last week or so has been trying on me in every way possible. Physically I'm beginning to feel the fatigue and "run down" part of being in the last weeks of pregnancy. Spiritually, I have been in a deep valley of struggle. To be quite honest, I've questioned more in the last week or so than I have since the day we found out of Noah's condition. It has just been getting harder and harder to cling to what I know and not go off of what I feel. I truly feel lonely and scared everyday, at some point during the day. Yet, I KNOW that I'm not. I KNOW that our Father has us guarded and in his graces every step of the way. I feel scattered, worried and nervous. I KNOW that in all things God is working for our good because we love him so much and are called according to his purposes. I KNOW that it will all be ok. some how and some way. I feel as though I can't grasp a hold on anything solid right now. Everything is slipping by me, quickly. I'm running out of time to prepare my home, say "see ya later" to everyone, prepare myself in any way at all to be gone from here for over a month. Ava has two medical appts of her own that have to be rescheduled so we can get them done before we leave. Easier said than done. Her 15 month check up might not be too hard to reschedule, but her VCUG test which is to see about her kidney reflux she has had since she was tiny, is a procedure at BSA and it is not as easy to get rescheduled now that we have 2 weeks til we leave and part of one of those weeks we will be in ft worth for appts. My mind is full. My load is heavy. (yes, I KNOW that I can and should allow Christ to take these burdens and I do) There are moments though, when as a responsible adult I have to do my part and get things figured out by calling, rescheduling, etc etc. It gets tiresome. I come to y'all as honestly as I can because I do not want people to think I am some superhero of a person who is just whizzing through this process as miss "super christian" who never struggles and who isn't scared. I am terrified at times of going through the last few weeks of pregnancy alone (without nick to me is alone, even though I know I'll have support) I am running out of energy to keep up with Ava all the time and I will have her for those last few weeks. I don't want to go to appts at cook's and at my dr's in ft worth, by myself, I don't want to figure out ft worth traffic alone with a toddler. I just don't want to do any of this. YET, I want to meet my Noah. I want to know him and see him and hold him and I want to get him through this enormous battle ahead. I want to be strong and be the mommy he needs as well as the strong mommy Ava needs even though I won't be able to "do" much for her for many weeks.
I hope that I will be able to find a few things to do for those couple of waiting weeks before we deliver. I am thinking a mani/pedi for sure and a few other outings. I also know that I am going to need to be alone with Ava at times, to just soak her up, to rest and to try to take things a day at a time.
So, all of my whining and dishing out my honest feelings here.... I obviously need prayers. I know many of you pray for us so much and I just keep asking for them. But, I don't know what else to ask and your prayers are powerful. I know there are times when I am so weary that someone is praying for us and I can rely on those prayers during my weak times.
So here are some concerns that I have that I would love for you to pray for. Please.
-My hormonal emotional ups and downs. (i know they are normal, but they seem to be on the rise and much more frequent the closer we get to leaving)
- overall health and trying to stay comfortable these last weeks (especially keeping up with Ava)
- I sound really pitiful here, but I have not spent more than a couple of days away from Nick and never with a little one by myself. I'm not looking forward to that at all.
- pray for our sweet hosts - nick's cousin and her husband. Please pray blessing over them for opening up their home to us during this time.
- getting Ava's medical needs taken care of before we leave. I do not want her to be forgotten or pushed to the back burner because of all this coming up. Please pray we can get them rescheduled in time.
-continue to pray for God's healing over our sweet Noah. Whether through miraculous healing or through surgical means, I ask and ask that you pray that Noah will have healing over his body.
Pray that his body will be strong for surgery, that his lungs and systems will be ready for the trauma of it all, pray for his body as he will be on bypass for many hours for surgery, pray for him to not be on a ventilator any longer than needed, that he will begin to eat properly at the right time, that he will not have any digestive issues, that he will be able to have the functioning heart and valves etc he needs to get the oxygen to the rest of his body in order to eat, etc. Pray that He does not have complications during surgery, pray for no needs for heart cath, balloon procedures, for no cardiac emergencies, etc.
-pray for me to be able to pump and produce milk for Noah. I know it sounds weird, but please please pray for supply. I have the need to "do" something for Noah and this is something I can do.
-pray for the medical teams who will be taking care of noah
-pray for family coming down and being there for a time.
-for Ava and her well being as I am "unavailable"
-for Nick during the time Ava and I are gone, until he gets down there. For Nick and Ava as they come back to Amarillo before Noah and I get home.
Right now, I just feel that these things are the things that weigh me down and could be lifted up in prayer. Thank you so much. I don't know how else to show appreciation for your prayers other than thank you.
For those of you reading this, who would like to come to Noah's baby shower....it is Sept 8th at 10:00am at 1111 Pikes Peak (off of south washington) please comment, email me or fb message me and let me know if you can attend. I'd love to see everyone before we leave. If for some reason we have to leave before then I will let everyone know if it is rescheduled or cancelled.
Thank you all again for prayers, words of encouragement and letting me be honest about my struggle and feelings with it all. Trust me, God has been working in me and I have been more in the Word and in communion with him than ever. Figures huh. I am just thankful he lets us go through times of up and down, but he never turns us down when we come to him.
I suppose that is all for our update right now. Looks like september 8 or 9th we will be leaving. I will be taking a laptop with me and will update often as possible for everyone.
much love,
shaina
