Well, we started out with an interesting bit of a morning. When Noah "de-sats" (when his oxygen saturations go down) he is usually mad or upset when this happens. Today, though, he was calm and happy, smiling and letting me hold him and yet his o2 was in the 60's. So, they turned him up from 1 liter of oxygen to 4 then 5 liters at full flow. It eventually helped get him into the 70's. Basically, until we get the next surgery done, we will probably be dealing with this. Some days are great and some days aren't. Right now he is sleeping comfortably, he is on 2 liters and 100% flow and his o2 is at 77 variably. So, if none of this makes sense to you, I'm sorry. As a heart baby, his oxygen saturations in his blood will be lower, after surgery 2 they should go up into the 80s for normal range. An average baby/person/ is obviously high 90's-100. So, that's really all that's new today. Speech tries to come by and work with a bottle with him, but when he's struggling to get oxygen levels up just being awake, they refrain. So, not a bad day, just not as good as we've had before. His body is still adjusting and trying to get blood flow througout. I was able to get some more teaching about the next surgery and that was helpful.
Nick, Ava and the family went back Tuesday. So, I've been back on bachelorette life again....sometimes its nice...do what I want when I want, painted my nails, have hours to read and journal, study, pray, I have made some friends at the RMH and so we girls have dinner together in the evenings and discuss our babies and their progress. It's nice to talk with mommas who are in similar boats. We all have boys, except one and they are all preemie except noah. :) It is nice to have some company. I have been able to start working out again. I've also got my tracker back out and I'm on post baby health mode again. While pumping I was doing really well, but then I couldn't get any more milk, got into a rut with eating right (partially the hospital environment, depressive times, etc) but I've felt motivated lately and have found a routine that's working for me. We will be here for awhile longer so I have to find a way to work out and eat right even in the middle of it all. Anyway, so life is just going along right now. We continue to pray for Noah's healing, we are enjoying watching Ava grow, develope and become an adorable little girl. Ok, chasing a rabbit for a minute. My daughter is adorable. Seriously, she is so so smart, curly blonde hair, blue eyes, silly as ever, learning new things daily, sings all the time, loves accesories like beads, necklaces, braclets, purses, but not bows. haha. Nothing on her head stays. She pulls it off. She loves her grocery cart she got for Christmas, with her play food. She loves to put her baby to bed and enjoys carrying around her Abby Cadabby doll. She's just hilarious and i MISS HER LIKE CRAZY. The time they were here for Christmas was wonderful!!! I feel like she grows and developes more and more everytime I see her. I wish I were with her everyday. Anyway, she's just been the biggest trooper through all of this and God has answered my deep prayers of not letting her fall through the cracks but to do amazing through it all!
I suppose that is as much of an update as I can think of.
Thanks for coming along the journey with us.
love,
Shaina
Friday, January 4, 2013
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
His Bottle of Tears
Tears are special. Dad has always said tears are words from the Holy Spirit. I believe it. The last 7 months have been FULL of tears. I mean, full. Not all tears are bad/sad. In fact, a lot of the tears I have shed have been joyful. I remember the day we found out we were pregnant with Noah. We thought we were 6 weeks along and didn't know if it was a he or she. :) I cried. First, because I was caught WAY off guard and second because, well, we were having another baby. Joyful tears. (with a little nervous in there too, not gonna lie) haha. A couple of days later we went in for a sono and I cried again. We were 20 weeks along, not 6 weeks. woah. We were having a boy. Tears of joy. A couple days later I got a call from my doctor. She wanted to make sure of some things that she didn't see on the sonogram and wanted me to go to a specialist in amarillo to make sure of them. I cried. Tears of fear. I remember driving directly to my church, instead of to the store or where ever Ava and I were headed when she called. I went straight to the church. I knew Nick was working and needed to focus, I needed attention and prayer, so I went to "my people" as I call them sometimes. :) I went to the office and immediately got support and we prayed. We gave Noah to the Lord in that moment and prayed for clear results. Tears of trust and begging God for a clear sonogram. That afternoon and into the evening tears ran as floods. Our unborn baby had half a heart. According to the dr there was no hope for it to develope any further. The left side was not going to develope and we would be referred to drs in ft. worth. tears. lots and lots of tears. Fear, doubt, why me, why us, why him, why now. The terror of all the unknown ahead, the ache of knowing your son will have to battle from day 1. The wondering and the wishing it would all go away. Tears. So many tears. I would dry it up long enough to catch my breath and then I would try to play with Ava or change her diaper and the tears would flow. Again. Wailing into my pillow, sobbing on Nick's shoulder, random crying at odd moments. Trying to help lead worship and in the middle of a song, just breaking down. For a few weeks it was just constant. I wasn't drowning because I knew who was in control and I placed myself in the Word. It allowed me to function as a mom and wife, as a person in general. Yet, I still shed many tears. Life went on as we prepared to begin the journey in ft. worth. Nick drove Ava and I down here to stay with family for a few weeks before noah was born. He walked out their door to go to the airport and I cried. Just a bit though. I pulled it together for Ava and we made it that two weeks. The longest two weeks ever, but we made it. :) Noah was born at the end of those two weeks and I cried again. I heard him crying from across the room as I laid paralyzed on the table. I cried when I heard him cry. He sounded so real and he was here. Tears of pure joy. Just a couple days later though, I cried again. They rolled him off to the longest and biggest surgery of his life. 8.5 hours of surgery most of that time on a bypass machine. I was frightened and I cried. He came out of surgery ok and I cried again. There are countless nights I have cried myself to sleep. Moments when I've barely been able to approach his bedside from being so weary and sad from it all and I've cried over him. I've cried holding him. Funny though, not the first time I held him. Out of all the times to cry tears of joy, I was so in awe and so worried I'd pull a tube out or yank his ventilator out, etc I was just frozen. haha. Most every Sunday for the last 4 months I have cried when Nick has had to go home. I have especially cried on the Sundays my baby girl has to go back with him. My how this momma has cried as she watches them drive off or walk to the terminal. Tears of loniless and sadness. Tears of wondering if Ava will remember me after two weeks of being gone. Wishing I was going to snuggle up with my hubby at the end of the day. Longing for his shoulder when the days got hard and Noah wasn't getting better. Many tears. There have been tears of begging God to answer my pleas. Tears for healing for my baby. Tears for Him to heal other babies. Many many many many tears. I've been weary of crying and wondered how on earth I would still have any left in me. Yet, they come. Just about every day. I have realized though, that they are refreshing sometimes. They truly are words from the Holy Spirit and I am thankful for that line of communication with the Father.
There is a special pastor in a small town in the southern most part of Costa Rica that holds a special special place in my heart. He asked Nick and I one summer what our baby boy's name was because he wanted to pray for him. We weren't pregnant then and I, at the time, had no intention of being pregnant. Much less with a boy and a named one at that. Wow. Pastor Jhonny has been praying for my baby boy for years before he was even a thought. Just a month ago, we were able to skype with him and his wife, as well as Regina (my forever friend) and her husband and parents. What a blessing. Jhonny asked to pray over us, via skype and we were so so thankful for that. He proceeded to pray for us and each of us specifically. He began to pray something that would change my view of God forever. He prayed that I would know that God has seen every tear I've cried at Noah's cradle. He prayed that I would feel his embrace and know that God has heard every prayer, that I, his mother, have prayed for him. He has seen every tear. God brought me to a scripture just a few days ago that confirmed this word over me and it has rocked my world.
Psalm 56:8
"You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?"
David sure had a way of writing didn't he? He goes on to say "Then my enemies will turn back in the day when I call. This I know, that God is for me. In God, whose word I praise, in the Lord, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can man do to me? I must perform my vows to you, O God I will render thank offerings to you. For you have delivered my soul from death, yes, my feet from falling, that I may walk before God in the light of life."
Each and every single tear I have cried (in my whole life for that matter)for my son, has been put in His bottle. So, if you are struggling, needy, tired and seem to cry more often than not. If you are His, he has stored each tear in a bottle, His bottle for you. It has your name on it. It is kept safe and he already has it ready before the wetness touches your face. He knows you are weary and he knows you are tired of crying, but he knows that each of those tears you shed are not for nothing. Take heart, He has overcome the world. He can handle your tears.
It has taken this long to even begin to understand this, but I am enjoying the thought of the care he takes to savor each one and love us through them all.
may you find the same peace I have through this tiny treasure in the scriptures.
love,
shaina
There is a special pastor in a small town in the southern most part of Costa Rica that holds a special special place in my heart. He asked Nick and I one summer what our baby boy's name was because he wanted to pray for him. We weren't pregnant then and I, at the time, had no intention of being pregnant. Much less with a boy and a named one at that. Wow. Pastor Jhonny has been praying for my baby boy for years before he was even a thought. Just a month ago, we were able to skype with him and his wife, as well as Regina (my forever friend) and her husband and parents. What a blessing. Jhonny asked to pray over us, via skype and we were so so thankful for that. He proceeded to pray for us and each of us specifically. He began to pray something that would change my view of God forever. He prayed that I would know that God has seen every tear I've cried at Noah's cradle. He prayed that I would feel his embrace and know that God has heard every prayer, that I, his mother, have prayed for him. He has seen every tear. God brought me to a scripture just a few days ago that confirmed this word over me and it has rocked my world.
Psalm 56:8
"You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?"
David sure had a way of writing didn't he? He goes on to say "Then my enemies will turn back in the day when I call. This I know, that God is for me. In God, whose word I praise, in the Lord, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can man do to me? I must perform my vows to you, O God I will render thank offerings to you. For you have delivered my soul from death, yes, my feet from falling, that I may walk before God in the light of life."
Each and every single tear I have cried (in my whole life for that matter)for my son, has been put in His bottle. So, if you are struggling, needy, tired and seem to cry more often than not. If you are His, he has stored each tear in a bottle, His bottle for you. It has your name on it. It is kept safe and he already has it ready before the wetness touches your face. He knows you are weary and he knows you are tired of crying, but he knows that each of those tears you shed are not for nothing. Take heart, He has overcome the world. He can handle your tears.
It has taken this long to even begin to understand this, but I am enjoying the thought of the care he takes to savor each one and love us through them all.
may you find the same peace I have through this tiny treasure in the scriptures.
love,
shaina
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
2012
2012. Sheesh. The hardest, deepest, most gut wrenching year ever, yet joyful, blessed and full of true growth. I am thankful. 2012 was the year I finally began to grasp the word and its true form; faith. Faith is a word that many "Christians" throw around. Too much. In fact, I was one of those people who flippantly threw around the word faith like I owned it or knew what it meant because I owned a Bible and went to church weekly. I thought I knew what it meant. In some ways, I did know, to the extent of my living, what it meant for me. There were times in my life that faith was the theme heavier than other times. When Nick and I got married, the third month in, Nick quit his job due to some issues with the company he was working for. I was the one that encouraged him to quit without a new job in place because it was so bad. I just had this unwaivering faith that God was telling us to move forward from that place. Within 2 weeks, nick had a job and then added a part time job on top of that because it made up the difference in income we weren't going to bring in with the new job. It was a trying season for us, newly weds and all, but we pressed in and made it through. Faith kept us focused and going. There was a year after an incredible mission trip to Costa Rica where I deeply longed for a baby and it wasn't happening. There were nights when I went to bed so sad and wondering why God would not allow us to have a baby when other people who were terrible to their babies or didn't want to even have a baby were pregnant. etc ... faith kept me moving foward, it helped me cope and it kept me hopeful that God's plan for our family, indeed was his and not mine. That year was long, but God, in His character, came through and blessed us beyond measure with Ava. There were times as a new mother where faith kept me sane at 3 am and then again at 6am, 9am, noon, 3pm and so on. Faith was keeping me going when I felt like I was the worst mother on the planet because I could not breast feed after 3 months of trying. Faith kept me pressing on when Ava got a horrible UTI at 8 weeks old and was hospitalized for 3 days. Faith kept me strong as we watched my Mimi slowly make the journey to her heavenly home. Faith has played a huge role in my life, even when I didn't realize it. From age 7, when Christ came into my life, I know he's been teaching me what it means. I just hadn't really chosen to see it before, or at least as clearly as I have in the last 7 months. May 2012 changed our life. We found out we were pregnant for one. We found out we were half way along and we found out our sweet little boy on the way would be born with a heart defect. (refer back to the God is bigger than the boogie man blog for details of that) :)
May was a turning point for me and the Lord. God began to lead me down a road that I would have never taken myself, God knows I wouldn't take it alone, and he never intended for me to. 2012 brought with it lots of pain. I have never lost a child. I know some precious people who have, but there were moments on this journey that we came as close as ever. 3 days after Noah was born he had his norwood surgery and 2 days after that he went into cardiac arrest and almost died. I go there and I mention it because it branded a day in 2012 that will never go away. That day, Noah almost didn't make it. I have never experienced so much terror in my heart. My faith was the only only only thing I could cling to. I'm thankful for the medical staff that took care of noah and are still taking care of noah and will continue to take care of noah through the years of this journey. Yet, my personal contribution to my son at that moment, was nothing but my mustard seed faith. There are days where that mustard seed is all that keeps me getting out of bed, coming to the hospital and doing this recovery thing every day. My son is blessed and we are beyond thankful for him still being here with us and fighting each day to get better. So, 2012 hasn't been easy. For the last 4 months my little family has been separated from each other. For 4 months we have driven more miles, flown more flights, stayed in more places and "made the best of it", more than I ever imagined, but Faith has kept us together and has kept us strong. 2012 has brought us many lessons in adjusting, being flexible and being humbled beyond words. 2012 has deepened my faith beyond what I thought I could know. We have experienced more struggle and heartache than I would ever think we could. We have endured and slowly, we are overcoming.
Here is the deal though. 2012 was our best yet. For in 2012, we...
Had a son!
Celebrated our daughter's 1st birthday
Have grown deeper and stronger in our marriage than ever.
Are more in love now than ever.
Have watched Ava become such a smart, silly, active and loving toddler.
Become closer with family, near and far.
Watched our best friends move to far far away and start an incredible new life of medical school and personal business.
Have seen our sister/sil move to the east coast, rock out her first semester of seminary and grow more into herself than ever.
Celebrated that my dad was able to retire from his career of 25+ years and begin to enjoy retirement.
We were able to send Mimi off to her heavenly home in the most holy moment I have ever experienced. Jesus was in the room and he took her gently with him. Words cannot express that blessing.
We also have been able to celebrate many birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, and other joyous occasions.
We have been stretched and we have become more open and ready for God's moving in our life. In whatever capacity that means.
We are blessed.
We truly are thankful for 2012. The hardest year of our life has come to a close. Yet, 2013 doesn't promise to be "better" or "worse". God does promise he is with us the entire way. I am learning that faith is the key to each and every day. We can put our faith in ourselves and be miserable and dissapointed or we can choose to put our faith in the God of the heavens and be completely certain that whatever happens, if we are in His will, good or bad, it is His. The safest and best place to be with Him. Walking together, on the road he has chosen. 2013 looks hard, will most likely be hard and will have its share of valleys. What I choose to see is what we get to celebrate and live through, as we add days, weeks, months and years to our story. I see;
Mom and Dad's 30th wedding anniversary this month.
Noah continuing to grow and heal.
Getting through Noah's 2nd surgery.
The greatest homecoming of all time, hopefully, the day we take our baby boy home. who knows what day or when that will be, but I just know it will be in 2013.
Ava turns 2
We celebrate 6 years of marriage.
We'll celebrate another wedding in the family.
Continue to watch sister excell at seminary and our best friends go further down the path to Dr and Dr's wife. :)
There are things to celebrate, things to experience. Not all bad, not all hard. What I take away from 2012 is strength and awareness to enter 2013 excited and ready for this next 12 month chapter of adventure. Who ever said being a "Christian" is boring? hey were wrong. so so wrong. This adventure has been more than I could have ever planned or been in control of myself.
So, thank you, to each of you, for your part in 2012. There were and are still people who have supported us, pray for us, ask about us and keep up with us, that we have never and may never meet. Although, I hope we do. There are so many many many people I want to thank and express our hearts of gratitude to, but it would take forever. As we go down this continued road, we will try to make sure you each know how special you are to us and how much we thank you. Truly. Please please know, we are thankful beyond words.
I pray blessings over each of you. May 2013 be 12 months of continued learning, seeking, finding, worshiping and maturing in your faith. However that looks for you. Whether you are 7 or 70, God's not finished with us yet.
Get excited. The journey, the adventure, has just begun.
Blessings,
Shaina
May was a turning point for me and the Lord. God began to lead me down a road that I would have never taken myself, God knows I wouldn't take it alone, and he never intended for me to. 2012 brought with it lots of pain. I have never lost a child. I know some precious people who have, but there were moments on this journey that we came as close as ever. 3 days after Noah was born he had his norwood surgery and 2 days after that he went into cardiac arrest and almost died. I go there and I mention it because it branded a day in 2012 that will never go away. That day, Noah almost didn't make it. I have never experienced so much terror in my heart. My faith was the only only only thing I could cling to. I'm thankful for the medical staff that took care of noah and are still taking care of noah and will continue to take care of noah through the years of this journey. Yet, my personal contribution to my son at that moment, was nothing but my mustard seed faith. There are days where that mustard seed is all that keeps me getting out of bed, coming to the hospital and doing this recovery thing every day. My son is blessed and we are beyond thankful for him still being here with us and fighting each day to get better. So, 2012 hasn't been easy. For the last 4 months my little family has been separated from each other. For 4 months we have driven more miles, flown more flights, stayed in more places and "made the best of it", more than I ever imagined, but Faith has kept us together and has kept us strong. 2012 has brought us many lessons in adjusting, being flexible and being humbled beyond words. 2012 has deepened my faith beyond what I thought I could know. We have experienced more struggle and heartache than I would ever think we could. We have endured and slowly, we are overcoming.
Here is the deal though. 2012 was our best yet. For in 2012, we...
Had a son!
Celebrated our daughter's 1st birthday
Have grown deeper and stronger in our marriage than ever.
Are more in love now than ever.
Have watched Ava become such a smart, silly, active and loving toddler.
Become closer with family, near and far.
Watched our best friends move to far far away and start an incredible new life of medical school and personal business.
Have seen our sister/sil move to the east coast, rock out her first semester of seminary and grow more into herself than ever.
Celebrated that my dad was able to retire from his career of 25+ years and begin to enjoy retirement.
We were able to send Mimi off to her heavenly home in the most holy moment I have ever experienced. Jesus was in the room and he took her gently with him. Words cannot express that blessing.
We also have been able to celebrate many birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, and other joyous occasions.
We have been stretched and we have become more open and ready for God's moving in our life. In whatever capacity that means.
We are blessed.
We truly are thankful for 2012. The hardest year of our life has come to a close. Yet, 2013 doesn't promise to be "better" or "worse". God does promise he is with us the entire way. I am learning that faith is the key to each and every day. We can put our faith in ourselves and be miserable and dissapointed or we can choose to put our faith in the God of the heavens and be completely certain that whatever happens, if we are in His will, good or bad, it is His. The safest and best place to be with Him. Walking together, on the road he has chosen. 2013 looks hard, will most likely be hard and will have its share of valleys. What I choose to see is what we get to celebrate and live through, as we add days, weeks, months and years to our story. I see;
Mom and Dad's 30th wedding anniversary this month.
Noah continuing to grow and heal.
Getting through Noah's 2nd surgery.
The greatest homecoming of all time, hopefully, the day we take our baby boy home. who knows what day or when that will be, but I just know it will be in 2013.
Ava turns 2
We celebrate 6 years of marriage.
We'll celebrate another wedding in the family.
Continue to watch sister excell at seminary and our best friends go further down the path to Dr and Dr's wife. :)
There are things to celebrate, things to experience. Not all bad, not all hard. What I take away from 2012 is strength and awareness to enter 2013 excited and ready for this next 12 month chapter of adventure. Who ever said being a "Christian" is boring? hey were wrong. so so wrong. This adventure has been more than I could have ever planned or been in control of myself.
So, thank you, to each of you, for your part in 2012. There were and are still people who have supported us, pray for us, ask about us and keep up with us, that we have never and may never meet. Although, I hope we do. There are so many many many people I want to thank and express our hearts of gratitude to, but it would take forever. As we go down this continued road, we will try to make sure you each know how special you are to us and how much we thank you. Truly. Please please know, we are thankful beyond words.
I pray blessings over each of you. May 2013 be 12 months of continued learning, seeking, finding, worshiping and maturing in your faith. However that looks for you. Whether you are 7 or 70, God's not finished with us yet.
Get excited. The journey, the adventure, has just begun.
Blessings,
Shaina
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)