Remember That Boogie Man?

The Boogie Man

There, you can meet him in that post from almost a year ago.

We took Ava to see Veggie Tales Live last Saturday. She didn't really have as good of a time as I thought she would. I realized later, that it was sort of my fault. See, I had this whole Saturday planned out for family fun and just being together. It has been so long since we had a day, in Amarillo, together, without stress looming all around us and so we had a whole day to be together and enjoy each other, the three of us. We slept in, had donuts, went shopping for a few things at Mardel for our sweet friend Lexi and her mommy, Judith. We went to visit them and then went to lunch. We enjoyed lunch together and had some time before veggie tales so we went and got ice cream! Ava and I have shared ice cream, probably for too long... but it's our thing. So, we went and enjoyed and then went to walmart for a couple of items. We had a sort of accident with a faulty diaper, so we bought her new pants, got her changed and went to the show. We got to Veggie Tales and she was pretty excited and then all of a sudden....tired, cranky, no-nap Ava came around. Poor thing. She was sweet and watched from her daddy's lap, but she didn't get up and dance and laugh and have a "fun time" like the rest of the kids.... It kind of made me cranky as well. I mean, we did spend 40 bucks for nick and I's tickets. haha. I didn't want to "waste" money and leave, but she only made it until a little bit after intermission and then she started saying, "go home" "go home"....from Veggie Tales? Really, Ava? wow. So, we got up and left and she was asleep before we left the parking lot. We put her in bed, I went to bed and we both ended up napping for 2 hours. I woke up and it was dark outside. I went in and started talking to nick about it all and realized that they had played, "God is bigger than the boogie man" song at the show and it kind of brought it all back to me. God brought me that song when we started this journey and as I was trying so hard to have a family, fun, "happy and ok" day, I was doing it in my strength. I wanted so bad to just have a fun, normal day and I didn't think about her lack of napping, the fact that we had just endured the longest week of our life and that we had just given our son back to the Father. I just wanted so bad to have a normal day....

It took a few days, but I began to realize that our new normal doesn't have to look or be anything I already know. In fact, it looks like and will become something we have never known. We three are adjusting to life back together. I got used to being alone, doing things on my own, when I wanted, where I wanted. I was always leashed to the hospital, but at the same time, I didn't have anyone to take care of besides myself. I am now back into housewife/mommy mode and I love it. I know this is a deep deep calling on my life and as I sit and write about it, I just love the fact that Ava watched "puppy" on netflix (blue's clues)  and then fell asleep after 2 episodes and is now sleeping soundly on the couch for nap. See,  I got to feed breakfast to Ava and then snuggle and do our devotional together (out of an incredible book, Jesus Calling for kids-thanks sissy) I cooked lunch, had my pawpaw over for lunch and Nick of course, cleaned up lunch as Ava watched her show and now she's sleeping, I'm writing and when nick gets home we get to work out, play, (I have to catch up the bills/budget) but we get to be together and just be a family, without trying so hard. We didn't work out before, we didn't have a healthy cooked lunch before, we didn't have devotional together before, we didn't have such an easy nap time before..... I didn't have to try so hard to find a happy normal, I just had to let God show me how to do it, the new way.

Noah made things new. He made things fresh again. I won't ever stop missing that boy. Ever. Yet, I find myself using my missing him as fuel to push through this new field in our life that hasn't been harvested before. There is health ahead, life ahead, blessing and newness ahead. (I'm sure there is a whole other post in that one subject of harvest) Nick has been pushing me and encouraging me in all of this and I am thankful. He lets me be sobbing sad, silly happy, unstoppably "nesty" like when I was pregnant, but it is just that I want this new life to be fresh and so fresh things have to happen in our house. :) He keeps me laughing, smiling and loving.

So, to tie in this boogie man....I suppose life after a death is a big boogie man. God is bigger. I remember thinking that the boogie man of HLHS was the scariest thing in the world, but I realized God was bigger than that. I remember thinking we would never get to a happy place through it all, until Noah came home and even after that, SO much ahead in life for him would be terrifying. I would do all of it in a heart beat to have him here, but God proved to be more sovereign than my fears, my worries and my plans. I never thought Noah's healing would be heavenly until a month or so ago. When I realized that was the boogie man of the moment, I was reminded that God is bigger. When it felt like the boogie man beat me and got the best of me that Friday night, God immediately stopped that feeling and overwhelmed me with hope, peace and confidence. That's what He does. He saves the day. He kills the monsters. He is bigger than the boogie man. He longs to fight for you. As Beth Moore put it in her session on Deuteronomy I watched last night, "God is love, so he loves. He does what he is." paraphrased, but still. Woah. God does what he is. (another paragraph that could expand into a whole other post, at some point it probably will)

God is so mysterious. Will I ever really know why he gave me Noah for 5 months? Probably not. In fact, that's ok. It keeps me searching for more reasons and more lessons, more moments and more hope. Surely he didn't just send Noah to this earth, to show me God's love on a deeper level, but maybe he did. I like to think that God loves me enough to pursue me, he is so relentless for me that he would bring me a child, let me know that child for a short time, but enough time to finally, really, know God better than I have since I was little and then take Him back up to himself to prove that he is God and unchanging.  Faith like a child? Faith through a child? I know God used and is using Noah and his life to reach people, I get told everyday, but I just can't shake the thought that he was just for me. God gave me Noah, to reach me in a place I didn't know was there. There is an empowerment, an encouragement, a hope and a purpose in that, that makes more sense the more I step back and see the big picture. I will always know that God used Noah and will continue to use his story to change people's lives. I also know, that I got to be the one to know him the best and for that, I am forever changed, grateful and proud.

 Now, to continue living life for the one who makes this life all it is. To keep trusting that God IS BIGGER than that boogie man. He is. Try him. Just ask him to kick that boogie man in the rear....I'm quite certain he will show you Himself, in only a way that He can.

There is a song I've discovered recently. You have to listen to this. 

This sums up the last 6 months of my life. 

Enjoy. 

Love, blessings & thanks,

Noah's mommy

Brussel Sprouts

There have multiple times in the last 10 months that I have asked the question to Nick, "what just happened?". I am at that place again, where everything just seems like a big blur. Did that really happen? Did we really have a son, spend almost 6 full months only seeing each other on the weekends, missing my girl every few weeks, saying goodbye every Sunday, getting our son through multiple surgeries, procedures, months of hospital life, sleeping in different places, crying many tears, waiting, praying, hoping for him to get better so many times all to hold him until the minute he died and then come home and start life where we left off? It feels like that. I miss certain things about Ft. Worth. I miss the lack of wind. haha. I miss Pie 5 pizza. I miss the walks to and from the Ronald McDonald House. I miss my gals at RMH. I miss late night talks with them. I miss the ice in the PICU. nom.

I miss my friends at Cooks. I know it sounds silly, but I grew to love many people there and all of a sudden I wasn't there anymore. I had daily conversations, got to know about their families and kids, prayed for them during hard times, listened as some of them went through life changes, went on vacations and then came back refreshed and with lots of stories to tell. We even had a nurse take care of Noah on her last night of work before having her baby and then when she came back from maternity leave we were still there. Ya. I'm not sure what just happened over the course of the last few months, but all of a sudden I have more than just an emptiness from Noah being gone. I have a whole life that is not there anymore and now I am trying to readjust to the life I had to leave, yet I learned so much while I was gone that I feel that if I come back and try to make life "normal" I will be doing myself and my family a disservice to go back to how "things were".... Did any of that make any sense?

I miss him. I miss him more than I can tell you, more than words can say. Some people have wondered why I have been so "positive" so "uplifting" so "happy" in my posts recently, well, it keeps me focused. I'm not lying when I post anything. The joy I have is real. The hope I have is real. If you need to know how to have that, message me. BUT, Trust me, there is much grieving going on. Don't worry. Don't think I'm some super human who has everything under control and is just so relieved to have all of the turmoil and hurt over with at the cost of my son's life. I'd rather be at this long journey and have Noah here so much of the time. I do. Yet, I know that Noah is so much better where he's at than on earth, not living, not thriving, not getting to be a baby or do baby things, not growing up at home, around family and friends. I know that Noah is whole, in his form that only heaven knows. He's not an angel, he's not 5 months old in heaven. He is perfect and whole. I believe that he knows my family who has gone before, He has seen the face of Christ and is worshiping the Father, completely happy and healthy. I know when I see him in heaven, he will recognize me and it will have seemed only like a day to him.  Oh how I long for that day.

In the mean time, a new life is straight ahead. I don't know what it looks like, but I know it is going to be better than what life was before Noah. Before life with Noah I was lacking. I lacked self esteem, I lacked confidence, I didn't think I was good enough to do "great things". I didn't know how God could even use a little "good girl" from Canyon, who did everything "right" to advance his kingdom or bring others to the Lord. I did everything I was supposed to do, in order at that. Graduate high school, go to college, meet a guy, get married, graduate college, live in a cute apt, buy a house, have a baby, go to church all the while, sing on the worship team, work vbs and go to small group. Life was plain, it was normal, it was easy. God knew what I needed. He knew that life before Noah was being half lived, it was easy, it was comfortable. Life before Noah was predictable and it was lacking a lot. It lacked spirit, it lacked confidence. Life before Noah was sad in many ways. It wasn't depressing, but it was darker. Noah lit up life, from the moment we knew he was coming. Noah gave us excitement, he kept us learning, growing and seeking. Noah forced me to leave my comfort zone, make new friends, go to new places, find myself for once, outside of my familiar and really stretched me to trust that wherever I am, God is there also and More than that, he has gone before. So, I learned to try new things, trust God in everything, to take risks, to live fully everyday, to experiment, to create(even in the midst of chaos), to love deeply, to be friendly, to journal, document, soak up, and just live. He taught me to rest, sometimes. There were many times he kept me up way too late as well though.  He helped me to learn that this "faith" I have, is available to anyone, yet it is a daily struggle to continue in it, asking for more, and really live it. I learned to quit looking at my circumstances as punishment or even "lessons" and began to look at them as opportunities. I realize now more than ever that Noah's life was an opportunity for God to reach people who were cold and hardened prior to being introduced to Noah and his journey. I realized that God used Noah to not only change me, but to reach many many people who would have not been reached otherwise. Somehow, when I'm in the midst of deeply missing my baby boy, I can think upon all He taught me, all he touched and how God used him to touch many people on a deep level.

So, we bought brussel sprouts tonight. I've wanted to test them out with some different cooking methods, but one of the reasons we bought them is because Noah has pushed Nick and myself to better ourselves and not regress into depression, unhealthy gluttony, etc. We have felt very convicted about using this life event to spur us on into healthy living, physically, emotionally, spiritually of course and to also just soak up life and enjoy every part of it. So, we began a new workout regimen. geez. We are stocked on healthy foods and we are digging in, in all areas of life. What more could we do for ourselves as we heal and recover from such trauma, than to be healthier and more vibrant for our daughter, as well as ourselves.

What else. I feel like I have pages to say, all these things that I am needing to get out and tell you all, but they are all just stuck. I do want to thank those who came to the visitation Thursday night. Nick and I are still just blown away by the amount of people, from all walks of life and all layers of our life who were in attendance. We are just thankful and beyond blessed! wow! We are just so amazed by the outpouring of love and care over us and our son.

I miss him. I miss his smile. I miss snuggles late at night while we watch Finding Nemo. I miss sitting him up in bed and him looking all around. I miss his soft hair. I miss his little nose. I miss looking into his brown eyes. I miss his sweet cry.

You know what though? I'm thankful I don't have to say goodbye every night, call the PICU every morning to see how the night went, walk into his cubicle and see some new mechanism or new iv placement, going over rounds everyday and the plan for the day. I don't miss watching him get everything under the sun done to him, I don't miss there not being anything anyone can do for him(especially me, I was so tired of not being able to make my baby better), I don't miss him crying because he hurt, I don't miss him having to be intabated and extabated over and over. I don't miss all the bruises I'd find from lovonox shots, iv placements, etc. I don't miss him swelling so big his skin would tear. I don't miss not ever getting to walk around with him. I don't miss him being leashed to the bed by pulse ox monitors, leads, blood pressure cuffs, oxygen tubes, etc. I don't miss it. I don't miss watching him suffer everyday. I don't miss him not getting to wear clothes or be held all day long. I don't miss him not getting better. ever. I honestly know that the things I miss, are little in comparison to the things I don't miss. It makes it a bit easier, it really does, but nothing will ever change the fact that I won't get to watch my son grow up. I won't get to hear him say mommy, take his first steps, etc etc. A part of my person is gone. There is a deep cavity in my heart, but I know that Christ is healing me, just as he was faithful to heal noah.

I know God's plan for our family is wonderful. There are many good things ahead. I am more proud of myself than I ever have been in my life. I like me more than I ever did, but still desire to make changes of improvement and betterment. I am closer to Christ than I ever have been and I am desiring him more and more.

I miss him, but I am thankful for the life I won't miss now because I knew him. I carried in my womb, one of the most influential people in my entire life. I know many mothers would say that, but my son has made me a better everything. The future is brighter than ever now. The dark moments come, but the beauty of God's grace and his loving kindness towards me in those moments, brings light and therefore, pushes me forward.

Thank you sweet son for teaching mommy to be herself, to like herself and to be proud of herself. No one else has had such an impact on her like you. You were a joy to everyone who ever met you. I just pray I can be the best version of me, everyday, now that you're gone. Love you sweet bubby.

Noah's Mommy