My Favorite Month

I love November. I love Thanksgiving. So many people have their favorite holidays. Usually you find that Christmas and Halloween are up there, followed by 4th of July and maybe even Easter. Thanksgiving has been almost run over by Black Friday, now starting on Thanksgiving evening/afternoon. Seriously? We can't have 1 day out 365 that we aren't focused on buying something, trampling over each other and can't just play a game or be still and watch a movie, maybe visit with family until whenever the shopping fools get up and go do whatever they do. ha. I just have no desire to ever do Black Friday. There IS a reason they call it black, right? Anyway, I just love thanksgiving. We come together, make a bounty of food and enjoy it as well as fellowship with closest family and friends and then rest. We watch football or take naps, sometimes at the same time, play games, catch up with the cousins, lounge in the recliner and read a book, and then go back for seconds and another piece of pumpkin pie. Maybe it seems gluttonous to some, but maybe it is an actual holiday where we aren't focused on GETTING anything. We don't stress and run around trying to find something to get someone with the little budget we have for them or going into debt trying to impress. We aren't disappointed if we only got a scarf and not some expensive gadget or wad of cash. We simply get together, to be together. Hopefully we all find ways to express our thankfulness for what WE ALREADY HAVE, not what WE WANT TO GET.

I have fond memories of thanksgiving. We had so many houses to go to because our families live here that we were always hopping from house to house, but each side has things I vividly remember. My mimi was an absolute wonder in the kitchen. She would make her list, shop, (three different stores, for the best deals) plan ahead by cooking certain things ahead, preparing other things the night before and then had a written schedule with times on it for when certain things went in the oven and when other things came out, when to set the table, what napkins to use and one year she made little place card sail boats out of pecan shells and toothpicks, with little white flag name cards. We used those for years. The family would squeeze at the table and pass around every dish, stuff our faces and visit, laugh and just be together. I know she relished those times and soaked every moment up.

My radiant Mimi (and pumpkin pie)

Mimi knew how to live richly. She made every holiday and every Friday night fried chicken dinner, every Sunday roast lunch, every half a grapefruit breakfast and a whole wheat bagel with coffee in the morning, matter. She just loved life. She rarely complained and Thanksgiving was her crown and glory. :) Christmas was a close second, but I just saw her glow and then an hour or so after the big dinner, she would get a piece of pecan pie, a little dollop of cool whip and savor each bite of that pie like she earned it. and she did.

The Byrd side ALWAYS has cheese grits (homemade by aunt linda), pink fruit salad (by gran), a kids table and a grown up table, cousin time, playing spy at the old house upstairs, group pictures, using the pretty dishes (even as kids we got to use neat dishes), green bean casserole and the pickle tray. I always ended up getting a bread and butter pickle on accident and had to sneak it to the trash. eew. Football naps and reading books are where you will find the Byrd/Goodell & now Weisgerber and Whitfield men after the meal. Most likely you will find all the Byrd girls around the table laughing and remembering old times, catching up each other on current events and just enjoying being together. When we were little, I can remember enjoying and sometimes getting wounded in a battle of spoons. :)

Thanksgiving is a nice long day of comfort all around.

Mimi's recipes in my kitchen. 

I got to where I was old enough to help with Thanksgiving cooking and so I learned to make Mimi's crescent rolls. Staci began making pies when Mimi couldn't quite muster the energy to do it anymore. Mom would make a small turkey and I would make Mimi's dressing. Not stuffing. Dressing. :)  We made things as close to how they were, but they weren't exact. That was ok though. Byrd Thanksgiving is still the same, sometimes with an empty seat, because we are all strung out about the state/country. Times change. This time last year I thought we would be home by Thanksgiving, but we weren't. In a few days, it will be a year since Noah had his 2nd open heart surgery to get his pace maker placed. I just sat in his cubicle knowing we wouldn't make it home for thanksgiving. Crushed you might say. God was working on me. I was feeling selfish and having a pity party that we wouldn't get to be home, around family, with our traditions and usual events. I was frustrated to say the least. I was so weary of the hospital, the lonely weeks, the fast weekends. Our sweet family in Ft Worth, of course, hosted Thanksgiving and we were welcome to be there and were thankful to as well. I wanted to be a part of it and so I thought I would make crescent rolls. I got up early and started the dough, let is rise, etc. It wasn't working out right. It was stiff and just not like it was supposed to be. I was frustrated, again. I gave up. I was going to throw the dough in the trash and send nick to walmart to get Mrs. Baird's brown and serve rolls (which are good by the way), and then go sit and pout the rest of the day about the failed attempt. My dressing turned out good. The rolls were to be my one thing from home that would make the tradition stay alive, since mimi wasn't. The first thanksgiving after Mimi passed away and I just could not go without crescent rolls. (i know, a lot of whining over bread) It was more than the bread though. It was the memories, the traditions, the feeling of abandonment from the Father, that Mimi wasn't here anymore, we were stuck in a town we didn't really know, our son was STILL sick, nothing was right, no one was in the right place, and God didn't seem to care. That was my heart. That was why I went in the bedroom and cried. I just cried and pouted. I showered, got ready to go throw the dough away and then talked to my mom. I remembered that mimi was an improviser. I thought, well, I will do what I can with the dough and see what happens. I rolled out the dough, cut rolls out and put them on a pan. I let them rise a little, as much as they would, and then put them in the oven. They were gone in about 15 minutes, once lunch began. I suppose they weren't too bad. They weren't actually crescent rolls. They were just plain ol rolls. They were a little dense and nothing like mimi's really, except that they were there, the dough wasn't sitting in the trash defeated. So, I was thankful for another Mimi lesson that day and soaked up the rest of the day with family, tried to enjoy taking turns going into Noah's room. (mom and dad stayed up there all day with him, so Ava could have some mommy and daddy time at a home, not the hospital) It was an interesting day, but we also go to spend time with family we never get to, we were made fully aware of how blessed we were, even in the middle of such hardship and hurt. Noah was in recovery mode still, during the weekend, but a few days before we had thanksgiving, I had been able to hold him for the first time, he had been taken off the ventilator for the first time(after 51 days) and he got to meet his uncle keith, see his grandma and mamaw and made some big Thanksgiving memories.  God always gives us something to be thankful for. always.

holding Noah a second time 

So, here we are. One year later. I look into November and remember making a thankful poster for Noah's room, instead of our thankful tree we always do. I remember fighting so hard to keep an attitude of thankfulness and gratitude even when I wanted to cry and whine every day. Somethings never change. I want to sit and cry and whine some days, that Noah isn't even here now. He doesn't get to be passed around at family gatherings, he won't know the taste of mommy's childhood thanksgivings, the joy it brings me to get up and watch the parade while making the dishes we bring to the family gatherings. I just wish that he could be a part of our lives in the tangible ways my heart wants. I know I know, he might not have even been able to be in crowds of family, enjoying life at all, depending on how severe his needs for oxygen were or how he felt on a daily basis, the issue of cold and flu season. I know, he is in a completely better place, in a way that I don't even understand yet. I know. I'm thankful. I don't need to be reminded that he is healed now. :) I know full well.

day before his pacemaker surgery

I'm thankful. November is a time to be thankful. For EVERYTHING, not just the things we like, the good things that make our life complete, but the things in our life that sometimes suck the life out of us. I'm not saying be thankful for things that are wrong, sinful or should be eliminated from our lives. Those things need to be repented of and dealt with. I 'm talking about being thankful for the things that seem inconvenient at the time, the things that are just not how we like them. Be thankful that you drive a 2000 model that runs well and doesn't require car payments, instead of whining about how you wish you had a newer one. Be thankful that your children leave messes, have a dirty room, maybe even drive you crazy, because you get to hug them, love on them, tuck them in at night and have them in your arms. Be thankful because some moms have sons and daughters over seas serving our country and their safety is in danger every minute of every day. Be thankful to have your husband or wife home with you because some people have been left in a position they never thought they would find themselves in this Thanksgiving, alone perhaps. Whether it is distance or severance, people will be lonely this holiday. Someone, somewhere is thinking of a loved one who passed recently or maybe a long time ago. A man or woman is sitting in a prison cell, truly repentful and seeking the Lord and misses his family. Another prisoner might be sitting in the cold concrete room angry at the world and wanting to give up on life at all. The holiday season isn't about YOU. I have come to realize that it isn't about thankful trees, pecan pies or crescent rolls but about a Savior and the life we have available to us because of that Savior. Do what you do, at each holiday, in light of that. Don't focus so much on the traditions and the must haves that we miss out on the could be's and the means for service, thankfulness, and love. (to others, not just ourselves)

one of very few family of 4 pictures. Thankful.

Today, Ava and I will start our thankful tree. I want to instill in her traditions and past times that she can look back on and smile upon or even carry on to her kids someday, but we will be adding some new things this year as well. Noah made us a better family. He MAKES us a better family. He is and forever will be our boy, even if he just made it home quicker than we did. So, we will continue to live thankfully and share our thankful hearts, the reason we can be thankful in such heartache, with others.
Find a way to show your thankfulness besides getting up at midnight on Black Friday and squishing people to buy an xbox or some big tv. Maybe think of something outside the "box" and let gratitude become expressed tangibly. There are plenty of people that need your love. They need your thankfulness to show, so they can catch some of the hope you have.

I know I feel challenged today.

May November continue to be my favorite, not just because of all the yummy traditions and super fun activities, but because in 2012 a little boy reminded me that life isn't about traditions but about the One who made a way. Made a way for Noah to be in heaven. Made a way that I can be there too, someday.

Anyone want to join in? Make November a month to remember, by finding ways to love and serve. (someone other than yourself) I know that focusing on the good will not always make it easier for me during the holidays, serving others doesn't always take the sting of the loss away. Missing Noah is an everyday occurrence, not just a holiday thing, but Mimi reminded me of "making the best of" any situation, even after she went home, and before Noah joined her. So, I WILL  make the BEST of this month, this holiday coming up, the pain I deal with so often, it all becomes a part of the journey and the journey is a good one.

Thanks as always, for riding this road with us, for the support and love we receive from each of you.
Be blessed this thankful season,

Noah's mommy

In A Perfect World

In a perfect world, Nick and I would live in a 4 bedroom, 3 bath home, with a large backyard, with a tree that has a tire swing, a nice back patio with a covering and lots of room for a garden and playing. We would have plenty of space, like a basement and open living area for lots of people to come over, for kids to play on DNow weekends, for ladies craft nights, Bible studies and life groups. There would be plenty of room for 3 kids to grow up in. Oh and all three of those kids would be perfectly healthy and have no problems of course. There would be a large kitchen with a central island, lots of storage, neat nooks and crannies that hold special treasures of old, counter tops to roll out cinnamon rolls on the first snow each year, a big oven to make thanksgiving dinner, space for a nice dining area and bar stools so my three kids could sit and talk with me after school while doing their homework. Nick and I would have a nice spacious master bedroom with a huge bathroom, walk in closet, whirlpool tub, etc. I would have "my space" in there, with a nice cozy corner consisting of a comfy chair, bookshelf, lamp and window where I could peer out and watch it rain or snow, read and write. I want to write.  The kids would have their rooms, and we would have a basement full of fun things and family games. We would have two reliable vehicles in the garage and I'm sure Nick would love a dog or two, a cat or two, some fish, maybe a bird and whatever other animals he could rescue. He truly wants a zoo. Nick and I would run a thriving design business and art center. We would continually be involved in our church, ministry and other civic events. Family gatherings would happen often at our home. We would attend all of our children's school events, have friends over on the weekends and soak up life and all its goodness.

I said a perfect world. Don't we all know that a perfect world doesn't exist. Of course, most of you probably have the world I'm describing above already. Maybe you have that life and you think it is mundane and boring, typical and ordinary. I long for your ordinary.

Finding joy, gratitude and thanksgiving in the middle of your mundane is hard. Waiting upon the Lord for something that is not even guaranteed is sometimes where He meets us and tells us again, to trust him and turn our hearts back to him again. If you were to tell me, a few years ago, that I would have 2 children and one was going to die, I would have snickered, because God is good and He has my best interest in mind. Right? Don't we all say God is good, He knows the plans he has for me, plans for a hope and a future. Those words don't always seem true do they. If I were to look back a few years, I didn't think we would still be in our starter home, Nick still driving the car he has for over 10 years, etc. Life doesn't always happen the way we plan, the way we want, the way we hope and dream.

He hasn't left. He sees you. He knows.

I sat at church Sunday morning and was weary. Weary of the struggle to always budget, always have to repair things on our home, not always getting to go do fun things or buy new toys for the family, etc. It gets weary being responsible with our money. We sacrifice to allow me to stay home with Ava and we are seeing benefits and amazing blessings because of that sacrifice. There are days when it just bears down so heavily that we break and say "ok Lord, I'll go fix this. I'll go get a job, put Ava in day care, live in the same little house for the rest of our lives, never travel, never enjoy ourselves again, all on top of dealing with the death of our child." "here is my obedience Lord" *eyes roll, as I go lay depressed and whiny in my bed and let the tears roll* All these events of Saturday evening coming to mind and then all of a sudden, feeling the need to scribble words down in my notebook, I began to write those words. He hasn't left. He sees you. He knows. over and over. He cares. He loves you. He hasn't forgotten. He didn't leave. He has a plan. WAIT. Wait on Him. Don't let go. Keep on looking ahead. Sorry, Matt, I might not have heard the last few minutes of your sermon, I finally had a moment with the Lord that I have been needing for months though. So thanks for ushering in an environment for me to listen to Him.

Somehow, grief begins to plant seeds of entitlement. It can be scary and hard to keep them from growing. I begin to get the attitude that "my son died, so surely we get to catch a break on plumbing repairs, or other expenses we weren't expecting" "our son died, so surely we get to find that perfect house, get that random check in the mail or whatever." Life isn't easy, whether your child died or not. Life sucks, sometimes, even when you have everything you could ever imagine. Nick and I have always tried to remind each other to never be "happy when", but to be thankful and see what we DO have in the moment. Experiencing the death of a child, DOES put things in perspective though. Does all the fluff really matter, as long as I have what I need and God provides that, always does.

Does God really listen to my pitty party moments? Yes, of course he does. Does he honor them? I'm not sure, but I really don't think that my whining has ever gotten me what I want. It sure didn't with my parents. God listens, he cares and he knows better. My timing is never his. Obviously. Somehow he knows what I need, when I need it. There are so many things He is doing behind my view and the point of faith isn't just to know it will be ok in the big times of life, the deaths, the births, the job change or the big move, but in the mundane, the daily grind, the boring and sometimes gutter cleaning feeling days. When the budget is exactly where it needs to be, but no more, there has to be gratitude, not complaining. When we are all cozy in our little 2 bedroom home, when it is 30 degrees outside and raining, there MUST be thanksgiving and not whining. To be content, is not to settle, but to be so sustained in the provision of who God is and His character, that the worldly and earthly things aren't such a big deal.

So, if you see me or Nick driving his old Monte Carlo around, thank God for us, that we have 2 vehicles and no car payments. If you see me wearing the same outfits for a few years, it's not that I don't want to be fashionable or "in style", we just have other responsibilities that mean I don't get to go shopping every season. We spend what God gives us in the places he calls us to, and don't get me wrong, we spend some frivolous dollars, but rarely are they there to spend. Ava wears hand me downs, our lawn looks pretty dreary, the house needs painting and there isn't enough room to have many people in it. It isn't spectacular, but it is ours, it is home and it is shelter. We are NEVER WITHOUT though. Ever. We are so rich in the eyes of the world.

Entitlement can be a large idol, that we may not even know is there, but when we start thinking we deserve any of what we have, then we become god in areas of our life, that we can't be. There can be no places of our hearts or minds that take the place of Him.

That means, here I am, publicly confessing the fact that I have felt entitled, I have felt that I have earned my dream home or my dream life, because I have endured the death of a child. It is wrong, it is not how God asks me to respond to my grief, and so here I am saying "Lord, this life is precious and everything we DO have is yours, everything I WANT to have is up to you and yours. My children are yours, obviously we have given them to you in different ways, my marriage is yours, our life ahead is yours. Giving it all back is the only way that there will be room for Him to work, move and bless. So get out of your own way. Quit being the stumbling block of your mind, of your family, your dreams. Let the one who has given you those dreams, be the one to make them come about.

If you ask where we live, I would tell you the ghetto. haha. If you ask where I want to live, I can tell you, today, I want to live where God calls me to live, because for 5 months, I lived in 4 different places and some days I wish I was living that life again. I  just want to be where He is. It will always be ok.

He is STILL good. He will always be good. He will always see me. He chooses to know me and desires that I know him. That is grace for the day.

I looked at one of Noah's doctors the day before he died and asked, "God is still going to be good right?" He answered yes. I knew the answer, but sometimes we need someone else to tell us what we already know. So, I'm saying that, 8 months later, He is still good. He may not seem near, always, but I can say, that He will always be good.

Thanks for loving us. My prayer is that God uses my weakness. Be blessed
Noah's momma

More than blessed.