It's been minute since I was in this space. 2 years ago I embarked on a writing/sharing/ministry journey. I shifted my writing from a personal blog space to a more professional place. I had a website put up, put content in it that was directed at "finding the heart". I loved it. I enjoyed it. I found it to be a sweet place to write and explore. What I didn't expect was that the personal growth I would go through beginning in 2019 to now would change the trajectory of that space today. I closed it down today. I heard directly from the Lord to shut it down. I have been asking and asking God for awhile now, what He wants from me, what pieces of my life weren't adding up.
There are multiple reasons for this and I am sure I will get to those things later, but for now I know that I did what I know God asked me to do. When we are asked to let things go, it is not easy, but it is a part of the journey that He reminds us to lay ourselves down again, to take up our cross and to follow him; not our own dreams, ideas or goals.
So, here I am. Grief does not always inspire my writing anymore. I am not living in a consistent context of grieving, pain, sorrow. I am in a new place in my life where the things I want and need to write about just do not always fit into that genre. I did not intend to create that space for just grief, but in time I realized that I was so stuck. I could not share about my life, my family or my daily ramblings in a place where everything seemed like it needed to be streamlined or in line with the heart theme. Everything felt like it should be curated towards a heart/grief theme. 
We went on vacation (which I will post about soon because I can now) a few weeks ago and for the first time in 7 years we were not able to stop at Cook Children's Medical Center to stop by and say hi or drop off treats. I didn't let it bother me then because we made other plans and knew, like everything else in life, that Covid has its ways right now. No guests on campus at Cook's and for good reasons. We understand, but my first thought after accepting it was, "well, I guess its time". Maybe it is time to completely tuck away that part of our life. Holding on to it means holding on to a part of me that is begging to be let go of. I learned so much. I was shaped and formed so deeply during that time, but I am being shaped and formed now as well. I lost a child to heart defects and I miss him so much, but that one thing/event/loss DOES NOT DEFINE MY ENTIRETY. It did for a time. and that is OK, but I am not that person now. Missing Noah looks different now. Grief isn't a daily issue I tackle. The letting go of needing everyone in my life to know that that happened is the next big step of healing.
This may sound silly or just down right weird, but in high school I had this pair of underwear that I LOVED WITH MY WHOLE BEING. I WORE THEM OUT. Like, my mother had to steal them and hide them away. Hide them away, yes, because she added a piece of them to my t-shirt quilt when I graduated from high school. HAHA! We laughed so hard at that! I could NOT let that pair of underwear go. They were just this thing that I kept wearing out until there were literal threads holding them together. Threads...
I have worn out that season/experience/place of life to threads. I have wrung out of it as much as I can. I have let Noah and that journey mold and shape me, influence me and make me for as long as I can now. It doesn't mean I won't glean things from that time ever again. Not at all! I have just come to a place in my life where I am not living from that, defining myself from that. There are new struggles, new fights, new seasons, new lessons and new valleys as well as mountain tops to explore and learn from.
So I return to this space to explore things, my family, my actual life, with no agenda or platform. I bring to this space what I want. I am coming back to home base, so to speak, of my writing. No forcing, no branding, no need for the perfectly curated content here. I can brain dump, share vacations, silly days, fun recipes, interesting thoughts, deep issues/concerns, etc I can also live, unafraid of Noah being forgotten or my experiences going stale. I know where my value and worth as a believer and a person come from and it is not in what I've gone through.
I'm so thankful for the experience and the season that was "finding the heart" and I am even more excited to just be me. All of me. I celebrate all of the progress, growth and deep healing I have experienced over the last few years.
Here's to a new page...a new chapter!
Shaina
