I'm a Martha. Hands down. I want to being doing, serving, baking, cooking, being hospitable, taking a meal, taking on another project, etc etc. I am wired that way and in this journey we've been on that has ceased to happen. I can't DO anything, for anyone. I have lots of downtime, lots of time to think, to over think, to be anxious, stressed, alone, frustrated and hopeless. I have truly tried to spend most of my time in fellowship with the Lord, but I have been trying so hard to "learn something", "grow from this", "share with others", "glorify him", that I forgot to let him love me, heal me, hold me, minister to me, calm my fears, wipe the streams and streams of tears from my face, to rock me into a peaceful slumber. I had gotten to where my quiet time with him in Noah's little cubicle was to fill the time as I waited in his room for the next update. It was a great "doodle time" as I found inspirational sayings and scriptures to write in my journal and make pretty in between sections of the same ol prayers and pleads. I'm not saying my quiet time with the Lord was in vain, it has served quite the purpose, it has kept me in the Word, it has kept me calm and yet it has kept me BUSY about the Lord, not just WITH the Lord. Sunday through Tuesday feel like one long day to me. It was quite the process of up and downs, struggling, wrestling, yelling and screaming at God and questioning him as to why this is still happening, why isn't he healing my boy, why is he standing back watching all of this and not intervening, does he care, does he really care? Doesn't feel like it. The last few days were like one long reenactment of the day we found out about Noah's condition. I was feeble, wanting to curl up and die with agony and physical pain due to the circumstances. It all rushed back and the emotion barrelled out of me like Niagara falls, the nightmare was all around, the doubt, fear and turmoil in my mind. Scary. There was a moment when I had to literally scream for Satan to leave me, my family and my sweet son alone. To be in such warfare has taken a toll on my body. I've felt sick and have seen the effects of this warfare on my mind and heart as well. My mind, my heart, my struggling and fighting the Lord were not in vain, for yet again he proves his faithfulness and love. I've always looked at the story of Mary and Martha as one of works/faith. Martha was full of works and being busy for the Lord and Mary had the faith to stop and just be with him. That is true. But, I think it goes deeper. The lesson God is teaching me in this moment is that in my relationship and walk with him, I am a Martha and to be a Mary is what he is calling me to be. In my walk with him, i am busy looking up the Word, reading a devotional, trying to figure out what I should be learning, what I should say next to people who ask, journal all my prayers, thoughts and needs, read a good inspirational book, give everyone the answers I think I should give, etc etc and ALL God is asking me to do right now is to just be his. (to allow Noah to be his). He desires me to just be with him. I don't have to try to figure anything out, be someone I'm not, pretend to be strong or whatever. I can just soak him up, even when I'm angry, even when I doubt him, his purpose or even his existence in my situation. God doesn't desire to give me answers or the play by play plan for Noah's recovery, as much as that would thrill me to have. He just wants me to be....his.
I've become the awkward person with the earbuds in all the time now. I walk around the hospital, the parking garage, target, the gas station, etc with my earbud in. It takes everything in me not to burst out singing sometimes because I am streaming hillsong on pandora. It truly has kept me focused on the Word through song, then as I open the Word or my journal, I am just refreshing and rejuvenating my sould and not tiring myself out by trying so hard. Right now in this place of my life, he is just asking me to hold his hand, and follow, without reservation like Ava does with her daddy. She doesn't question Nick, she just follows and trusts him with all she knows.
So, in the midst of my martha life if feels like, Mary moments are still available. This journey doesn't have to always be such a fight. There is a time and a place for struggle, but I truly can rest in him and still be diligent in faith and prayer. Having faith in Him through everything doesn't mean figuring it all out as I go. It actually means letting go of knowing, getting rid of the need to know and being ok with not having a clue. scary.
So, as Mary did, I want to just be with Him. As scary as it is. (i know, scary is a bad adjective, but that's all I can come up with)
As I soak up his presence and strength, I am able to go to Noah's bedside and not quiver with fear or doubt, but I can come up to his bedside as his Mommy who has a Word to pour over and into him, his mommy who doesn't look at him and struggle to connect, but his mommy who reminds him of his worth, his purpose and that he has thousands of believers lifting him up in sweet prayer. I get to tell him his story as he grows up and not only how it formed him but how it transformed me.
Please continue to lift up my sweet boy. Pray for MIRACULOUS progress, for his complete person to be on the mend, to progress and being to thrive. My big prayer is that he will progress enough to not need a heart cath next week. Pray for him to get to the point where he can get off of the ventilator. Once he is off the ventilator and has his chest drains out I think I will be able to hold him and boy will we have some cuddle worship time, cuddle prayer time, cuddle nap time, etc. I cannot wait to have that connection and communion with my precious inspiration. He truly is such a testimony of God's handiwork, mystery and purpose all rolled into a chunky ball of cute. :) hehe. I'm proud. I'm truly honored to be his mommy.
blessings
martha
I mean shaina
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Deep Calls to Deep
I have never been able to wrap my mind around that statement. I have really never been able to "get it".
Psalm 42
As a deer pants for flowing streams,
so pants my soul for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God,
for the living God.
When shall I come and appear before God?
My tears have been my food
day and night,
while they say to me all the day long,
“Where is your God?”
These things I remember,
as I pour out my soul:
how I would go with the throng
and lead them in procession to the house of God
with glad shouts and songs of praise,
a multitude keeping festival.
Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God.
My soul is cast down within me;
therefore I remember you
from the land of Jordan and of Hermon,
from Mount Mizar.
Deep calls to deep
at the roar of your waterfalls;
all your breakers and your waves
have gone over me.
By day the LORD commands his steadfast love,
and at night his song is with me,
a prayer to the God of my life.
I say to God, my rock:
“Why have you forgotten me?
Why do I go mourning
because of the oppression of the enemy?”
As with a deadly wound in my bones,
my adversaries taunt me,
while they say to me all the day long,
“Where is your God?”
Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God.
(Psalm 42 ESV)
I don't have some deep explination for this scripture, I'm just soaking it in and claiming that I shall again praise him.
shaina
Psalm 42
As a deer pants for flowing streams,
so pants my soul for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God,
for the living God.
When shall I come and appear before God?
My tears have been my food
day and night,
while they say to me all the day long,
“Where is your God?”
These things I remember,
as I pour out my soul:
how I would go with the throng
and lead them in procession to the house of God
with glad shouts and songs of praise,
a multitude keeping festival.
Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God.
My soul is cast down within me;
therefore I remember you
from the land of Jordan and of Hermon,
from Mount Mizar.
Deep calls to deep
at the roar of your waterfalls;
all your breakers and your waves
have gone over me.
By day the LORD commands his steadfast love,
and at night his song is with me,
a prayer to the God of my life.
I say to God, my rock:
“Why have you forgotten me?
Why do I go mourning
because of the oppression of the enemy?”
As with a deadly wound in my bones,
my adversaries taunt me,
while they say to me all the day long,
“Where is your God?”
Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God.
(Psalm 42 ESV)
I don't have some deep explination for this scripture, I'm just soaking it in and claiming that I shall again praise him.
shaina
Monday, October 22, 2012
update on noah
They found a pocket of air in noah's chest. This can be normal and it is from being on the ventilator for 28 days. everyday since he was born. :( They will be placing a drain to get rid of this air/fluid. they will give him paralytic meds to keep him from being squirmy. They will give him sedation meds to keep him calm. They have stopped his feedings for now to give him a break from using so much of his cardio muscles to digest. They are putting him back on some blood pressure meds. The infection they discovered is being treated with antibiotics and hopefully they have that under control.
I am so tired of seeing him suffer and go through so much in his little life. PLEASE pray for him to find relief with getting this air drained out of his chest, for his vitals and stats to level out, for him to be able to be off the pacemaker and not need one permanently. please pray for him to progress. To heal. to get a break from all the crazy.
pray for Ava right now, she is about to have to go through a VCUG test. They basically cath her and shoot some dye up into her bladder to see if it will leak up into the kidneys. So, it is not a fun test. They will see if her right kidney is still having reflux.
I don't know how to ask anymore. for prayer, for healing, for anything. just pray as you feel lead, when you feel lead. I'm just raw right now.
thanks.
love
I'll try to update facebook later.
shaina
I am so tired of seeing him suffer and go through so much in his little life. PLEASE pray for him to find relief with getting this air drained out of his chest, for his vitals and stats to level out, for him to be able to be off the pacemaker and not need one permanently. please pray for him to progress. To heal. to get a break from all the crazy.
pray for Ava right now, she is about to have to go through a VCUG test. They basically cath her and shoot some dye up into her bladder to see if it will leak up into the kidneys. So, it is not a fun test. They will see if her right kidney is still having reflux.
I don't know how to ask anymore. for prayer, for healing, for anything. just pray as you feel lead, when you feel lead. I'm just raw right now.
thanks.
love
I'll try to update facebook later.
shaina
So I Yelled at God
Ya, you read the title right. I yelled at God. Loudly. I dropped off Nick at the airport last night and sat in the parking garage for awhile and then left to get back to the hospital. I wasn't going to tell anyone about this, but I feel like it's part of this journey and it's part of what I'm trying to learn. So, I'm telling you. I yelled at God. Madly. Loudly. Possibly even rudely. I questioned him, asked him why, told him I am angry that MY child was born "broken", that he's been on a ventilator for every day of his life, that he's been sedated for most of his 4 weeks, that he at some point has had none of his own blood in his body due to surgery, that his whole existence is surrounded by tubes, medical staff, florescent lights and hand sanitizer. He hasn't felt his mommy or daddy hold him, I think he knows my voice, but sometimes its hard to tell. Why is this the road you chose for us? I don't like this hand that's been dealt to us and I'm done being "positive". I'm sick of being the "strong" one. "Y'all are so strong, y'all are so faithful, y'all amaze me, y'all are so strong and He only gives those strong enough the hard stuff. blah blah blah. If we weren't so strong would we have a healthy baby? If we didn't trust the Lord like we do, would we be home with him our little girl and each other? Our precious boy and the gift he is, is from the same God that I yelled at yesterday. All of this is His doing. He is in control. Here's the kicker.... that ol Chris Tomlin song we all just love and sing loudly, "all of you is more than enough for all of me"
All of You is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough
You are my supply
My breath of life
And still more awesome than I know
You are my reward
worth living for
And still more awesome than I know
All of You is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough
You’re my sacrifice
Of greatest price
And still more awesome than I know
You’re the coming King
You are everything
And still more awesome than I know
More than all I want
More than all I need
You are more than enough for me
More than all I know
More than all I can say
You are more than enough for me
Have you ever sang that song and meant it? I mean it's easy to sing it when we are all healthy, happy, home, in love, kids are well, we live in a happy warm home with all the pretty fall decorations up, pumpkin bread baking in the oven, family dinner planned for the weekend, job is good, church was full filling that morning, nothing major is dampening our good mood, etc. It's so easy to sing it then. Oh, you're more than enough God. la la la. It's not so easy to sing it when your 6 hours from home, you have a 4 week old in the hospital and has had open heart surgery, your husband is having to go back and forth every weekend, to work, and keep the little girl who somehow hasn't gotten lost in the craziness of all of this, when that sweet boy is progressing and all of a sudden there's an infection present, a pocket of fluid in his chest that needs to be drained and all his stats are up and down, the pacemaker is back on and the feedings turned off. Try singing it then. Try saying "you're more than enough for me" at that place. It sucks. It's hard. It's oh so very lonely. For every thirst and every need. "YOU'RE MY SACRIFICE OF GREATEST PRICE". oh. oh ya.
I suppose in all of this, God would understand the most. He gave up his son for me. Christ understands because he has felt abandoned by God and he even yelled at him too. "you satisfy me with your love". Is his love enough for me in this moment? I have not an ounce of control in this situation. It is terrifying to be so vulnerable, helpless and lonely. My daughter is growing up before my eyes without me there, my baby boy is almost a month old and has never been held by me, my husband is so strong and keeps trucking along working and keeping our home together in amarillo. Am I satisfied in your love? Can I somehow be satisfied at this place in life, right now , today, amongst the hard stuff?
I suppose so. What else is there? All of this "stuff" is a gift.
So, here I am. weary. tired. overwhelmed and done. Just help me function Lord. I know you're here. I know you already knew I'd be mad. Kinda comforting really. Somehow, someday I'll have a smile and will be rejoicing. Today I don't have a smile, but I choose to find joy. So, here's why I choose joy
I'm alive.
I have a relationship with Christ
I have a husband
He loves the Lord
He loves me
He serves us
I have a daughter
She's precious and sweet to everyone she meets
She's relatively healthy and VERY happy
I have a son
He's alive
He's precious
He is a testimony and miracle
He is a strong strong boy
He is at the Father's mercy and in His hands
We have excellent care at Cook's.
They take care of my baby boy like their own
sweet, smart, thorough nurses
I have a family
I have a selfless, serving, loving, godly family
I have friends. loving, caring, friends.
There is a home waiting for our return
the Body of Christ has been on their knees for our boy. day and night
I will choose to hold on tight. I will find a way to grab his hem. Somehow my faith will heal this hurt. I pray that my faith is enough to heal my boy.
Guess that's all....for now.
shaina
All of You is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough
You are my supply
My breath of life
And still more awesome than I know
You are my reward
worth living for
And still more awesome than I know
All of You is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough
You’re my sacrifice
Of greatest price
And still more awesome than I know
You’re the coming King
You are everything
And still more awesome than I know
More than all I want
More than all I need
You are more than enough for me
More than all I know
More than all I can say
You are more than enough for me
Have you ever sang that song and meant it? I mean it's easy to sing it when we are all healthy, happy, home, in love, kids are well, we live in a happy warm home with all the pretty fall decorations up, pumpkin bread baking in the oven, family dinner planned for the weekend, job is good, church was full filling that morning, nothing major is dampening our good mood, etc. It's so easy to sing it then. Oh, you're more than enough God. la la la. It's not so easy to sing it when your 6 hours from home, you have a 4 week old in the hospital and has had open heart surgery, your husband is having to go back and forth every weekend, to work, and keep the little girl who somehow hasn't gotten lost in the craziness of all of this, when that sweet boy is progressing and all of a sudden there's an infection present, a pocket of fluid in his chest that needs to be drained and all his stats are up and down, the pacemaker is back on and the feedings turned off. Try singing it then. Try saying "you're more than enough for me" at that place. It sucks. It's hard. It's oh so very lonely. For every thirst and every need. "YOU'RE MY SACRIFICE OF GREATEST PRICE". oh. oh ya.
I suppose in all of this, God would understand the most. He gave up his son for me. Christ understands because he has felt abandoned by God and he even yelled at him too. "you satisfy me with your love". Is his love enough for me in this moment? I have not an ounce of control in this situation. It is terrifying to be so vulnerable, helpless and lonely. My daughter is growing up before my eyes without me there, my baby boy is almost a month old and has never been held by me, my husband is so strong and keeps trucking along working and keeping our home together in amarillo. Am I satisfied in your love? Can I somehow be satisfied at this place in life, right now , today, amongst the hard stuff?
I suppose so. What else is there? All of this "stuff" is a gift.
So, here I am. weary. tired. overwhelmed and done. Just help me function Lord. I know you're here. I know you already knew I'd be mad. Kinda comforting really. Somehow, someday I'll have a smile and will be rejoicing. Today I don't have a smile, but I choose to find joy. So, here's why I choose joy
I'm alive.
I have a relationship with Christ
I have a husband
He loves the Lord
He loves me
He serves us
I have a daughter
She's precious and sweet to everyone she meets
She's relatively healthy and VERY happy
I have a son
He's alive
He's precious
He is a testimony and miracle
He is a strong strong boy
He is at the Father's mercy and in His hands
We have excellent care at Cook's.
They take care of my baby boy like their own
sweet, smart, thorough nurses
I have a family
I have a selfless, serving, loving, godly family
I have friends. loving, caring, friends.
There is a home waiting for our return
the Body of Christ has been on their knees for our boy. day and night
I will choose to hold on tight. I will find a way to grab his hem. Somehow my faith will heal this hurt. I pray that my faith is enough to heal my boy.
Guess that's all....for now.
shaina
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