I remember the day we found out about Noah's heart condition. I am quite certain that I grieved his death in that moment and the evening to follow. Without knowing he would die for sure(so soon anyway) the pain I felt was like no other. I remember curling up in a ball and weeping. All the whys, what ifs and if onlys went through my heart and mind. I bucked up the next morning, got into the Word and found some scriptures that sustained me as I had to continue to carry Noah, then deliver Noah and go through what I truly thought would be the rest of a long life. I turned my doubts into faith driven prayers and went forward. Forward. Every single day of 9 longs months. This past Friday Noah would have been 8 months old. I'm sure Ava would be teaching him all sorts of fun things, words and songs about now.
Death. Death can ravage a person's faith. There are days that it still takes its toll on me. A few weeks ago our associate pastor preached a word that completely wrecked me and interrupted what I thought was a "plateau" in my grieving process (or whatever they call it). His sermon was an incredible one, powerful and straight forward about not limiting God, about praying audacious prayers of bold faith, not for our glory but for Christ's glory. That God is the God of the impossible. ALL things are possible with him.
See, at the very start of this grieving process I was very forward and open about how "good" this was and how "healing" this was for Noah. (please know that I am not going back and changing my mind or my heart towards this) Noah was completely healed, ultimately and forever. Here is where I'm going with this. I was so sure and knew that if I could keep "making it ok" in my mind that if I just went on adrenaline and even relief I could get through the shock of it all and the weirdness of it. Every story of grief is different and for me, there were a few moments of relief in it all. Sometimes there still are. To be completely honest. So, I was going along, full of faith and thankfulness amongst the tears, amongst the grief and deep pain I was dealing with daily. I jumped back on worship team, I jumped back into stay at home wife and mom mode, I jumped back into daily life. The further away from Noah's death I get, the harder it gets to hold on to the "healing" and "he's not suffering anymore" junk. I mean come on. My child died. He's not here. He will never be here again. He died. I held him as he took his last breath. Why is this ok? And Lord, WHY DID YOU NOT HEAL HIM? Thousands of people were asking in FAITH, FOR HIS NAME AND FOR GOD'S GLORY. This apparently was impossible for you. This was too much for you to handle God. Thanks. You can raise Lazarus from the dead, but can't fix my child's heart. ok. That's cool. I guess I'll just go ahead and worship, praise and love you still. (yes, with that attitude) Go back to that solid sermon I heard. It seemed perfect for someone who just got a raise, or had a new healthy baby, or who went and the cancer test was negative. Awesome wonderful sermon for people who don't ask big prayers, who don't think he can do big things for them. Way to pump people up for BIG prayers and huge movements of God for his fame........
Then there's ol me, sitting in the back, weeping because my God didn't come through. He didn't do the impossible. He let the expected thing happen. He let my son die. Having to get up with the worship team and help lead them in the chorus "nothing is impossible for you, nothing is impossible. Nothing is impossible for you. You hold my world in your hands" was a turning moment for me. Ok Lord. Sure. No problem. Let me just set all of my attitude, cynicism, frustration and HURT aside and "worship"... What heart ache and pain it was for me to sing out "nothing is impossible for you" when just a few months before he let my son die. Deep deep pain wanted to bellow out. I wanted to go hide in a hole and not pretend that I actually believed that chorus. (oh ya, it was Mother's day) The rest of the day through that Wednesday, I just ached, didn't want to feel better, be better or "get over it". I decided I needed to talk to someone. See, Nicholas is my person and he gets through every hard moment with me. All of them. Always. But, I needed some extra help. My sweet friend and worship pastor Debbie sat with me and let me be mad, let me get out some frustrations and questions. Let me tell her all I was dealing with and yet at the same time how I still trusted the Lord through every question, oddly enough. How was it that I could be so angry with him and yet still only want Him? He's truly more than enough. So we prayed. I left with such a burden lifted.
So, is nothing impossible for him? Yes. It is true. I do not have all the correct theological answers for you. I do not have lots of scriptures to give you in this moment. I know he stopped the sun once. I know he did, in fact, raise Lazarus from the dead. I know He kept his faithful safe in an ark as he flooded the entire earth. I know that he protected and provided for a couple of teenagers as they delivered the savior, His son, into the world. I just know that even though my son died, God is still God. He is still in control. He is still loving. He is still the same God who saved me, saved you. Why does God choose to not answer the way we beg, wish and plead for? Why does my baby die, but that baby live? I do not understand God's ways and the ONLY answer that I have truly come to cling to lately is that, God is God. His ways are not my ways. This KEEPS HIM GOD. This keeps him from being "swayed" one way or the other, like shifting sands. Like us. It keeps him from being like us. I suppose, that is enough. Through all the deep grief, questions and emotional turmoil, if I continue to trust him, seek him and long for him through it all, the reward is Him, himself. God himself becomes my reward, my answer. Whether in life and all its hardships, in death and all its pain, in sickness and its terror, in health and its joy. The covenant between God and myself will never be broken by him. Even when I disagree with his ways. God is God. As flakey as some may think that is, it is the only real answer I have for my struggles as of late. It's enough for me. In fact, as I let my anger and questioning go, placed trust before me, asked for someone to hold me up for awhile and then leaned into him, even though I am fragile, He never fails. He is always there to hold me, hear me yell, accuse and question him. He takes the junk I spit at him and wipes my eyes to clear my blindness to his grace. As the same pastor preached today, He sets The Spirit as a seal upon me, that I. AM. HIS. Noah is his. God didn't betray me, ignore me or turn his back on me. Even though it feels like it sometimes. The truth is, that God is God. There is no other. If I trust him I have to trust him with EVERYTHING. I don't get to pick and choose what I trust Him in or what I don't trust Him in. It is all or nothing, hot or cold. If I trust him with the easy stuff, that is just it. Easy. He never promised it would be easy. He promised He would never leave. He promised He would never forsake. THAT IS A PROMISE. He will never forsake. When it feels like He does forsake. Hold on to that promise. More than that, hold on to the one who promises.
I am at another level place right now. Another plateau on this journey. Finding out about another "sweetheart" passing away has been hard today. Seeing all the sweet new babies in church is hard every single weekend. Seeing all the babies on FB, all the friends with babies....they are everywhere. It's like when you want to be pregnant and struggle to (as we did with ava) everyone seems pregnant....it's that same concept. God is gracious though. I do not desire a baby right now in this place in life. I desire to have my Noah in my arms, not another. God is so gentle and gracious with me, through Nick, through family and friends. He is healing. He is loving. He is so gracious.
Just a little update on life in general. Ava turns two in 2 weeks. AMAZING! We are SO excited about her party and celebrating that milestone. She is so very smart. She can sing her ABC's, count to 10, she is saying tons of sentences, she asks questions, is a great eater, she is so funny and goofy (imagine that), she is just the light of our life. Other than that, life is pretty normal. We prayed for that. I am thankful and remembering that we asked, for many months, to be together again, to have a normal pace of life again, to live under the same roof again, to not be strung out and in pain all the time. God is faithful. He truly is. We are thankful. We are so grateful for the continued prayers, support and love that are constantly poured over us, still. We are thankful for those who remind us that Noah is not just a fleeting memory or even forgotten. I am especially grateful for those who tell me, still, what they love about Noah, what God did through him, etc.
Thank you. Much love and many blessings to all.
Please lift up little Kimble's family as they learn to do life without their little man here on earth.
Noah's mommy
