You Keep Coming After Me

 

You Keep Coming After Me - Key of C, 4/4 83BPM
Aaron Ivey, Brett Land, Marcus Dawes © 2020 Austin Stone Music (ASCAP). All rights reserved. CCLI - #7118191

VERSE 1:

When my heart is low
And I cry for help
You hear me and You’ll keep coming after me
When Your kindness comes  
With a gentle tone
You tell me that You’ll keep coming after me

CHORUS:

You find me in the depths
You take me to the heights
Just to tell me that Your love will never ever, ever change
You’re with me in the wind
You’re faithful in the fire
You keep coming after me

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             You keep coming after me       

VERSE 2:

My sin cannot outrun
The fury of Your grace
You chase me and You’ll keep coming after me
‘cause I belong to You
And this will never change
I am Yours and You’ll keep coming after me

BRIDGE:

So keep on moving
Keep on speaking
Keep on turning my eyes
To see what You see
I am listening
I am learning
            That I am Yours            

 

I've been sitting on this one for almost a week now. Nick and I were invited to participate in our friends's proposal at the Light House in Palo Duro Canyon. The days leading up to this day were some of the hardest days, for many reasons. I just kept saying "I'm living for Saturday". I usually try to live each day for what it is and not try to wish my days away, but that week was rough and I knew that on Saturday I would get to see two of my favorite people officially start a new season of their life, their love and God's faithfulness. Saturday came and we got up super early and made our way down to the canyon. We started the trail a little after 7:00am and it was gloriously cool, the company was wonderful and we made great

time. I enjoyed visiting with each of the people in our group at different times on the trail, we stopped here and there for a break and would laugh, talk and then keep going. I was truly just enjoying every single moment of the morning. I could pause time at moments and step back and look at the blessing that the day was, the people are to me and just how privileged I was to be a part of it all. 

You may be saying by now(maybe it's just me saying),

 "Shaina, it was just a hike in PDC, you've been there tons of times, there's nothing special about a hike...I mean, an engagement is exciting, but you seem dramatic, you're romanticizing simple friendship"  

Well, let me explain. I have ALWAYS been self conscious. I've always been in my head when it comes to groups, friendships, events, etc. I tend to me more obsessed with how I might come across or how annoying I probably am, how fat I look, how they are probably just feeling sorry for me so that is why they invited me...my head never quits. I realized about an hour into our hike that I wasn't worried about my extra pudgy stomach, no makeup, thick calves or the fact that I was legitimately soaking wet from sweat. I didn't think twice about the times when I was in the back of the line or when I was taking my time up some steep rocks. I was completely and totally myself and realized that I was totally and completely accepted and loved. I felt this from my friends, whether they meant to exude those vibes or not. I felt an acceptance of myself that I

haven't experienced in many years, if ever. 

Recently I have been doing some actual hard work on my health and as hard as it is, I am finally seeing some payoff. I think that the self awareness I've experienced over the course of the last year and this recent health journey as opened my eyes. I have lost some weight, so I know I felt better on that hike than I would have if I hadn't. I have been walking regularly (until this week), but I am conditioning myself to longer walks and more consistent activity. What I'm getting at is the fact that the people on the hike with me were aware of this. I finally let some people in to a journey that in the past, I would have kept a secret, then failed at it and then started the cycle all over again. These days I have been open about my struggles and there is a freedom that comes with just owning your true life and also doing something about it. 

So what does the song at the beginning of this post have to do with any of this? Well, a couple of things. First of all, I have always struggled with the idea of "God coming after me"... I've always thought that I was to come after Him. and WHY, why would he come after me? I understand salvation and that he loves me beyond my understanding. He died for me. He loves me. I "know" this. I have just always had this underlying need/thought/bad habit of trying to earn it. I still struggle with earning friends' love, earning people's approval.

 I am so afraid of losing people that sometimes I forget to enjoy them when I have them.

We continued on the trail and got to some steep places to climb up in order to get to the Light House. I never once got embarrassed that I needed to take my time, that I was so dang sweaty, red in the face, etc. I was so proud to do the hard things and get to the top. It felt really amazing to reach the top and just bask in the view, the realization that I had done it. For some this may seem so trivial and even silly, but for me it was a big deal. Nick and I took a seat and hydrated, took some pics and waited for "the moment" to happen for our friends. We all took pictures and then they were last to take one. He got on one knee and she was completely surprised and so excited and that moment will forever be in my mind and my heart. Writing about it now, I feel the anxiety creeping in that one day I will look back and wish I still had these people in my life. I suppose losing a lot of people throughout the years will do it to you, but I know that no matter what happens in our lives, this season we have now is too special and important to let it pass me by. Elsa sings, in Frozen 2, "I can't freeze this moment, but I can still go out and seize this day!"

But, why the fear, Shaina? Why is it so hard to believe that God loves me so much that he would gift me relationship? Why do I continually doubt that when He gives me good things that they will all go away because "that's what always happens"? How is it that after all the years of believing Him, loving Him and following Him am I still doubting that He wants to give me good gifts? Just as we experienced this

moment of our friend proposing to his girlfriend because of his pursuing her and desiring to marry her, it finally occurred to me that Christ actually pursues us. He creates beauty around us to woo us. He gives us people in our life that love and encourage us to remind us that He does, indeed, loves us even more. He shows us his faithfulness as we pursue him, an honest life, a real and genuine life full of both success and failures, trials and dark seasons. 

His love does not change, even when everyone and everything else around us does.

 

So, there I was, at the summit of our hike, looking around me at the vast beauty of God's creation, watching an incredible moment for two of the dearest people in my life, celebrating with friends, praying over a new season and realizing that nothing about that moment was because of anything I actually did to deserve or earn it. It was completely a gift.

I suppose I earned the ability to not die on that hike because of the healthy choices and 

conditioning before hand, but other than that... I left the canyon (beyond hot and exhausted)more free and full of joy than I have experienced in many months, perhaps years. 

You find me in the depths
You take me to the heights
Just to tell me that Your love will never ever, ever change
You’re with me in the wind
You’re faithful in the fire
You keep coming after me

The picture of his love and his pursuing of me was so evident the entire morning. I was so thankful for every moment of that experience. Watching God do what only He can do, in myself, in our friends' life, in our entire group's life, in his creation...well, it was a shifting moment in my life.

Perhaps I am a little over dramatic. Perhaps I am really a romantic at heart and I just interpret everything at a whole other level than others. Or maybe, I don't have to apologize or over explain why my heart and mind are wired to experience what I did in the way I did! I am forever thankful for that beautiful and lovely day. I am forever thankful for friends who are like family. I am forever thankful and changed by the fact that God truly loves and even likes me. Amazing. 

Ephesians 3:17-21

And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love,  may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ,  and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,  to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

 

Romans 8:35-39

³⁵ Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? ³⁶ As it is written:

“For your sake we face death all day long;
    we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”^[j]

³⁷ No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. ³⁸ For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,^[k] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹ neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

 

Do you actually know or even believe that God loves you? That He likes you? That he will never leave you and he will never change? 

We can go through multiple seasons in our life that make us question people, relationships, friendships, our own worth and value and that can leave us hurt, resentful, bitter even. Know today, that God loves you completely. He loves you in His sovereign and perfect way. He will never leave or forsake you. Remember that. Live in that. Love others through that. Find hope, security and the ability to rest in Him as you walk through each season. I'm probably not done worrying about if people like me or if they will leave me for some reason, because I'm just being honest and I know I will struggle with this, but for today, the only day I'm promised at this point, I'm relishing in the beauty that is God's provision and his good gifts in my life.  

I'm also super excited that there is a wedding on the horizon!!
Here's some pictures just because it was such an amazing day and I have documented MANY other things in this blog and I cannot leave this event out! 

Many congrats and blessings over Bryant and Kayla's engagement and life together. We're excited for y'all and cannot wait to see what God does in and through your marriage. 

SW

 

 

 

The Lord Is Near...

I have been in a deep study of Philippians. I have enjoyed it and I have been so thankful for the structure of the If: Rooted In The Word study. It has basically been a study on how to study the Word of God. So simple and helpful. Lots of me having to get past my frustration and push through, reach out, search for answers and truly learn. I have a feeling I am not the only one who struggles with studying the Word of God, especially when it gets hard or confusing.

There are so many things about Philippians that I love, but there is one verse that stands out to me. The simplicity of it, the placement of it. There are so many things that I dug into because of it and I am so thankful for it. One sentence, "The Lord in near." It is the end of verse 5. The entire verse is, "Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near."

Do you ever flip out? Like flip the heck out? It could be over something big or something small and petty. The other day, we got Sonic drinks after school. Ava made an attempt to take the receipt off of her cup. You know, that stupid long receipt with the sticker on it attached to your cup. BLAST. I hate that whole concept. I don't need the receipt for 3 drinks. Anyway, she tried to take it off and took the whole lid off her drink with it. She didn't spill the whole thing, but is sloshed around and got her pants, the console, etc all sticky. I wasn't mad at her, or really mad at all, but I just flipped out with annoyance.Please tell me somebody gets it. I didn't really need to flip out. I know that, you know that. It just happens. Sometimes it looks a lot heavier than a sonic lid debacle. Sometimes it is us flipping out at our children.
Sometimes it is us being irrational at our spouse. On occasion we can lash out at the pastor or a small group leader because we don't agree with someone and have been hurt. There are times when we freak out and flip a lid because of an inconvenience, a valid emergency, a sudden turn of events.

Philippians 4:5 is saying this, "Let your calmness be obvious to those around you, The Lord is at the ready" Ok, that is my version.

⁵ Let your reasonableness^[a] be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; ESV

⁵ Let your graciousness^[a] be known to everyone. The Lord is near. CSB

⁵ Let your moderation be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand. KJV

reasonableness, graciousness, moderation...this should be our aim. This should be our response. Why? Because the Lord is at hand, the Lord is near, the Lord is at the ready. We don't have to have it all together, because the one who does is NOT ABSENT. He is actually with you. He is ready and mighty to save. We tend to quote the next verse quite a bit, "do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends understanding will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus."

I think sometimes we struggle with this verse because we are still in freak out mode. We seem to gravitate towards freak out mode because we crave to be in control. We long to have it "all together" and when we don't, well, we flip. When our focus is on the fact that "the Lord is near", we can respond to anything life throws at us with gentleness, moderation. This is our witness. Our testimony to God's character and goodness. 

Now, this doesn't mean that situations, seasons, events of our life do not initiate valid anger, responses, confusion, and sorrow. Please do not hear me saying that you should always be ok, never having emotion, reactions, responses. No, that is not it at all. God is large enough and God enough to handle our true feelings and emotions about things, but we can move from our initial emotions to a place of peace and readiness when we remember God's place and our own. 

What I desire to take away from this particular part of Philippians is that I don't have to flip out, freak out or outburst at every little thing, every annoyance, every time my child does something frustrating or wrong. I can actually respond with gentleness because I don't have to prove anything. I don't have to serve justice in the moment. I don't have to even explain or make sense of what has happened. I can breathe deep and know that whatever is at hand can be handled and taken care of in the presence of God, through the Holy Spirit. 

So, maybe we can all take a deep breath, scroll past that opinion someone declared on social media, click past that thing you disagree with, not be so dramatic when your kid spills the milk, even being calm when your spouse does something obnoxious the next time. Frustrating things happen, often, but we can learn and be trained, by the Word of God, to respond with gentleness.

 Gentleness is a fruit of the spirit, not a fruit of our effort.  We must allow the Holy Spirit to dwell within us and do his work, daily, so we can live with these fruits. It is possible! The Lord is near!

Much love! 

SW

 

 

Altars

In the midst of chaos, we pause and create respite. We can find moments of peace, of joy, even in the midst of our darkest hours.
There are seasons of our life that just aren't pretty. Right now I can think of quite a few things in our world that are creating stressful situations, dark times for many. My best friend and her three children drove 12 hours to evacuate their home as tropical storms turn into hurricanes and threaten their island home. They are safe and sound here, but I can't help but think about all the chaos that comes with the circumstance. One day of virtual school happened before evacuation. There is no timeline for this kind of thing. You pack up and get out, not knowing what you will come home to, if there will be a home to come home to. You aren't sure about much of anything. Leaving her spouse behind to weather the storm from the hospital, as a physician, she packed up and came up here. I guess my mind is just full of thoughts and my heart is full of intercession for her, her kids, her husband, her friends, church family, neighbors.

In Luke 10:42 Mary has chosen to sit at Jesus's feet while her sister is busy with all the things that hosting entails. I love that  Martha is such a hospitable and thoughtful woman. Here though, Jesus is speaking into the chaos with these words, "only one thing is needed". Mary was choosing Jesus. Simple. I think Martha was choosing Jesus in her own way, but isn't it like us to choose our own way, thinking it is the more important, but we just don't quite get it. We think we need to DO a whole bunch of things. We need to "manage".

I'm reminded, as I think back in our friendship, of times when life was less than easy. I think back to a season where I was in a fog. I was alone most of the time, at the hospital, as Noah lay there recovering from heart surgeries, and every other weekend or so, she would come up and stay with me. She would stay at the Ronald McDonald house with me, we would eat out, got a pedicure on occasion, we would get coffee, went to Half Price Books, sat in Noah's little cubicle in ICU and would read books and chat. We got cleaned up and dressed up for a dinner at a lovely local restaurant one night. We made these altar moments of gratitude, joy and remembering that life wouldn't always be this hard. Life wouldn't always be so dark. We chose to remember the God who gives us good things. It would have been very easy for me to sit in the hospital every single moment and "manage" the situation by never leaving, never looking up, never breaking away from the darkness. I could have easily just have kept grinding away in the heaviness of it all, but God. God opened up these moments to remember that He is good, even in the ugliness.

What are some of the ways you can build an altar in your current season? Is it coffee with a friend? A small day trip to a pretty place you've never been? Is it buying a  new journal or Bible and claiming the promises of Jesus all over again? Whatever it is, find a way to make a mark of joy in a season of pain/sadness/uncertainty. I know right now we're all in a season of uncertainty. Our kids are all taking things in stride, we are learning to relearn, readjust, realign. Let's make some altars in this season to pause and remember God's absolute goodness. Let's get ice cream or have a picnic. Maybe a movie night or a homemade pizza night? It doesn't actually take much to create a moment in time that we can return to and remember, it will all be ok.

It really will all be ok,
Shaina

It Matters...

 Last week, on Wednesday, we started school! (Ana will actually start on September 8th) Ava started 4th grade and so far, is loving it. 

Last year was tough. Without sharing too much, since it is Ava's story, not all mine, let's just say we had some struggles. Lots of things stop us from trying, the enemy knows us well enough and even as kids, he gets us where we are most vulnerable. One of the biggest obstacles last year was just trying; not being afraid to learn/try/mess up. Quarantine came, STAAR was cancelled and we got this long break from the stress, tension and pressures that seemed so constant. 

Friday Ava got to the car after school with this beaming smile and her teacher was waving at her to remind her to tell me that she was going to send me a message. Ava had written for an assignment and knocked it out of the park. Her teacher celebrated, Ava felt so accomplished and the biggest thing was that she surprised herself in it all. What she wrote was a testimony of her growth over the last year and all we and her teacher from last year did together to keep her encouraged and pressing on. I was so excited for her and am so proud that she has started off this year with such a bang!

With that said, we are starting off this first full week of school, excited and ready to go. It is amazing to watch Ava catch on to herself, her style, her strengths and even her weaknesses. We sent the message from this year's teacher to last year's teacher to encourage her and remind her that WHAT SHE DOES MATTERS. 

As teachers and parents come together for the betterment of our students/kids, we will see amazing things happen! Especially this year, let's be full of grace, thanksgiving and encouragement for our teachers. They are navigating all of this every single day with new information, processes and rules being thrown at them all the time. Let's trust them a little bit more and know that they have gifts that we don't have, they have perspective that we don't have. As parents, we are our child's #1 advocate and part of advocating is listening. So, friends, let's listen. Let's listen to our kids, ask them questions, hear their answers and do our best to be a team with their teacher and with them as we navigate school and all that comes with it this year. 

It matters. Our kids' struggles matter. Our teacher's mental health matters. Our level of advocacy and care for our children, matters. Consistency and communication are imperative. We don't always see the results to those things immediately. We often see results WAY down the road. Let's stop and recognize those achievements and celebrate them as well. Tell that 1st grade teacher years down the line that they made a difference. Tell the music teacher or PE teacher how much they made your kid's day. Let's email the administration this year and just remind them that we see them and are here for them even if there are no actual ways to help on campus at this time. You may have a different experience with school. One riddled with pain, frustration, someone letting your kid fall through the cracks, etc. I don't know your perspective, but  know that 90% of the teachers and staff at our schools care and want the best. We just have to learn to be good communicator and listeners along with being consistent in what we know is best for our kids! I'm encouraging you and praying that this year, amidst all the craziness and hardship, will be one of the best yet! I truly believe it has the capacity to blow us away! 

How can we show up for our kids this year? I believe we can show up in how we allow them to mess up, to learn from their mistakes, to have a safe space to struggle, mess up and wrestle with hardship. We should allow our kids to help set their own goals, household chores, and responsibilities. Note that I said help with. Allowing them to discuss and help decide what needs to be done each day, expectations on them and their schoolwork/bedroom/house, etc is a really helpful way to teach them responsibility for their own things/self. I have noticed that just making a list of things to do doesn't go far with Ava, but asking her which things she is willing to do, off of that list, plus her deciding on things she specifically wants to work on works for us. Get creative! There is no right way.  Each of our kids is so different. What I am saying is this; our expectations and what we view as our kids' success may need to shift. It can shift per kid, per year, per growth spurt... Does that make sense? Consistency is good. Grace and adjustments are imperative. 

There are a lot of things we can do to help our kids have the best year possible and I believe it starts with stopping the helicoptering and including them more. (again, this will vary with age and season) Happy new school year to you all! Whether you are homeschooling, your kids are back in the classroom or virtually joining in, you have what it takes to be your kids' Mom. You have been hand picked and are equipped! Be encouraged and don't try to do it all alone or at one time! 

Let's do this! 

A New Chapter...

It's been minute since I was in this space. 2 years ago I embarked on a writing/sharing/ministry journey. I shifted my writing from a personal blog space to a more professional place. I had a website put up, put content in it that was directed at "finding the heart". I loved it. I enjoyed it. I found it to be a sweet place to write and explore. What I didn't expect was that the personal growth I would go through beginning in 2019 to now would change the trajectory of that space today. I closed it down today. I heard directly from the Lord to shut it down. I have been asking and asking God for awhile now, what He wants from me, what pieces of my life weren't adding up.

There are multiple reasons for this and I am sure I will get to those things later, but for now I know that I did what I know God asked me to do. When we are asked to let things go, it is not easy, but it is a part of the journey that He reminds us to lay ourselves down again, to take up our cross and to follow him; not our own dreams, ideas or goals.

So, here I am. Grief does not always inspire my writing anymore. I am not living in a consistent context of grieving, pain, sorrow. I am in a new place in my life where the things I want and need to write about just do not always fit into that genre. I did not intend to create that space for just grief, but in time I realized that I was so stuck. I could not share about my life, my family or my daily ramblings in a place where everything seemed like it needed to be streamlined or in line with the heart theme. Everything felt like it should be curated towards a heart/grief theme.

We went on vacation (which I will post about soon because I can now) a few weeks ago and for the first time in 7 years we were not able to stop at Cook Children's Medical Center to stop by and say hi or drop off treats. I didn't let it bother me then because we made other plans and knew, like everything else in life, that Covid has its ways right now. No guests on campus at Cook's and for good reasons. We understand, but my first thought after accepting it was, "well, I guess its time". Maybe it is time to completely tuck away that part of our life. Holding on to it means holding on to a part of me that is begging to be let go of. I learned so much. I was shaped and formed so deeply during that time, but I am being shaped and formed now as well. I lost a child to heart defects and I miss him so much, but that one thing/event/loss DOES NOT DEFINE MY ENTIRETY. It did for a time. and that is OK, but I am not that person now. Missing Noah looks different now. Grief isn't a daily issue I tackle. The letting go of needing everyone in my life to know that that happened is the next big step of healing.

This may sound silly or just down right weird, but in high school I had this pair of underwear that I LOVED WITH MY WHOLE BEING. I WORE THEM OUT. Like, my mother had to steal them and hide them away. Hide them away, yes, because she added a piece of them to my t-shirt quilt when I graduated from high school. HAHA! We laughed so hard at that! I could NOT let that pair of underwear go. They were just this thing that I kept wearing out until there were literal threads holding them together. Threads...

I have worn out that season/experience/place of life to threads. I have wrung out of it as much as I can. I have let Noah and that journey mold and shape me, influence me and make me for as long as I can now. It doesn't mean I won't glean things from that time ever again. Not at all! I have just come to a place in my life where I am not living from that, defining myself from that. There are new struggles, new fights, new seasons, new lessons and new valleys as well as mountain tops to explore and learn from.

So I return to this space to explore things, my family, my actual life, with no agenda or platform. I bring to this space what I want. I am coming back to home base, so to speak, of my writing. No forcing, no branding, no need for the perfectly curated content here. I can brain dump, share vacations, silly days, fun recipes, interesting thoughts, deep issues/concerns, etc I can also live, unafraid of Noah being forgotten or my experiences going stale. I know where my value and worth as a believer and a person come from and it is not in what I've gone through.

I'm so thankful for the experience and the season that was "finding the heart" and I am even more excited to just be me. All of me. I celebrate all of the progress, growth and deep healing I have experienced over the last few years.

Here's to a new page...a new chapter!

Shaina