I Surrender All...

It's 6:30 on a Sunday night, probably around 1995 or 1996 and I'm sitting in the 3rd pew up from the front on the right section of the sanctuary at First Baptist Church Canyon...we seemed to always sing I Suurender All at "sunday night church". I liked singing it because it was one I knew and I could sing the alto part in the hymnal because I was learning to sight read in choir. More than that though, it was a simple time in life. What earrings to wear with my casual outfit for church that night, or which fast food place in town should we all go eat at after church? What homework did I need to finish before school the next day? That hymn just takes me back to a time in life that was easy, simple, lovely, sometimes obnoxious, but blessed. I didn't know what surrender meant then, but I'm thankful that I had the raising and stability in my life that has allowed me to learn about true surrender in this time in my life.
There have been a lot of things happen over the course of a few months that have truly made me surrender my control (or what I think is control), my wants and desires, my comfort, my plan, etc. Obviously the diagnosis of HLHS for Noah was something that I had no control over and I had to surrender my comfortable, simple, happy little life to begin to adjust to the adventure and road that was ahead. There have been times when this road has been smooth and there have been times on this road where I found myself weary, laying on the side of it with bloody feet and dried out eyes, thirsty and all alone. (so it seemed) This road has been one where I have had to daily put aside my ideas of what things should be and surrender to what things really are. Yes, your son is 6 weeks old and has never been in clothes, your son was 6 weeks old before he was ever held by his mommy, your son will always need special care for his heart, your son will have multiple more surgeries in his life, life as you knew it will not ever be the same. Nothing will be the same. When most kids go to the hospital they go home well and people move on with life. When Noah goes home from the hospital we move on with life, but in a completely new way. Reality can be tough. Surrendering what we know and what we are comfortable with is even tougher. BUT, when you truly begin to live in surrender, you begin to see just how particular God is about our lives, our needs, our dreams and our struggles. God truly does have all the details worked out, but we are so in the way of letting God work, seeing him move, and feeling his touch because we hold on so tight to our control and our ways. Sometimes the things in our life aren't such bad things, if we take the time to look at it as a means to grace. Noah has a heart condition that many babies have died from. He has a road ahead of him in life that is not going to be easy. There will be more dr visits and hospital stays ahead. I never wanted to take this road or to watch my baby struggle through the first 6+ weeks of his life and beyond, but if we hadn't been put on this road, I would not be the person I am now. It sounds so cliche, but it is truth. If he had not put us in this place, I would not know the grace that has been poured over me.

Jonah 2:8 "Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs.

Surrender those idols. The idols of worry, doubt, control, busy-ness, over reacting, money, etc etc. To truly experience the grace and freedom that is available to you, you have to let go of all that is keeping you down. I'm thankful for those who have helped keep me supported. Your love has allowed me to continually come back to the Lord and learn to start letting go of things and rest in the Father's grace.

Noah is doing so well. This weekend was a restful one for him. I am not sure if I had mentioned that he was going to need a chest drain put in so finish draining some chest fluid post surgery. The drain they took out was no longer draining where it was. Well, over night Saturday to Sunday the fluid drained and they did not need to put in the additional drain. Praise God!!! He has just kept de swelling every day. He is looking more like a 6 week old baby now and it is wonderful. They increased his feedings. He is on a elemental formula and tolerating it well. Maybe he can be on my milk again at some point. We'll see. He lays awake more often, as a normal 6 week old and he has been held twice now. Looking forward to more of that this week. He is doing well and will have his wound vac on a little longer to help heal his incision. He is such a precious boy and I am so blessed to call him mine! :)
Thank you as always for your continued prayers. I am thrilled to be giving y'all praises and exciting news. Prayers have been answered in front of my eyes! thank you so much to all! We love you guys!!
Hopefully more news on the ventilator tomorrow.
blessings,
shaina

Date Night, Nail Polish and Brownies.

This has been a great weekend of refreshment for me. I picked Nick up from the airport Friday, after having a nice holding session with Noah and then going to buy a new shirt because he leaked chest fluid on me since he got rid of a chest tube right before. haha. Nick and I had a nice afternoon and evening just hanging out and enjoying each other's company. We hadn't seen each other in 2 weeks, so it was wonderful to catch up on each of our kids and each other. We enjoyed a nice dinner before meeting Lauren up at the hospital. She had come in earlier in the day and just went to hang out with noah and have some quiet time to herself. Yesterday was such a good day. We all slept in, took our time getting ready and then went up to the hospital. We got to say hello to Noah for a minute. They decided to put in a new arterial line so they won't have to prick his heel every 4 hours for blood gas tests, heprin level tests, etc. So, they had to do that and so we left for awhile. We had lunch and then Lauren took the King's family pictures. So fun! They all had a great time and Nick and I had a fun time watching. :) Such a fun family and Lauren is always finding creative ways to capture families. Thank you Lauren!! I'll plug her business more in another blog. We love loo. :) Dinner was great, with the kings' and then we came back to the house and just enjoyed veggin out. Amber, Lauren and I painted our nails, Amber and Lauren made brownies and we watched football, looked up stupid youtube videos and skyped with Amber's new fella. I don't realize how much I miss and appreciate "down time". I have a lot of down time at the hospital, but it is alone time and that makes it really easy to get lonely and think a lot. With some girl time it was nice to just laugh and take it easy. My heart is full. Nick went up to the hospital while we goofed around. :) He said he was doing well and was crying when he got there(they must have changed his diaper or turned him on his side or something, he always cries then) haha, but Nick said he got him calmed right down and he was glad to spend some time with him. God is so faithful and good to us. He has allowed me to see Lauren more in the last 2 months than I ever imagined after they moved to Galveston. We have been able to connect with the Kings, Nick's cousin and family, since being down here and we are blessed forever for that. I am just so thankful for the community God has allowed me to have, even in such crazy time, especially in such a hard place in life for us. I am thankful and I recognize that God did not have to give me such a support system. He didn't have to allow us to be able to have a home and family to open themselves up for us. He could have had me stay at the Ronald McDonald house this entire time, alone. He could have had us be many more miles away from home than we are, and he didn't. He gave us support and love. He gave us so many detailed things to get us through. I will forever be thankful for the weird and crazy time in life.

For the real update:
Noah has had a great week. Started out by getting the pacemaker on Monday. He needed it to stabilize his heart rhythms and it has worked. His heart rate is staying normal and his blood oxygen levels are staying where they need to be too. He is still on the ventilator, but they are weaning him off of it slowly. He is doing well with that. I'm really hoping that he will get extubated this week, but God and him are in control of this whole deal, so we will see. He had gone to full feeds, but his tummy wasn't quite ready for that, so they backed off a bit. He is still on blood thinner and they are keeping his blood thin enough to flow freely and get to where it needs to go. He is still on lasix and another diearetic to help pull fluid off and it is working. His kidneys are doing well enough to push the lasix and stuff so that is good. Once the fluid is off real well, they'll see about taking him off of lasix and letting him keep fluid off himself. Give his kidneys a break. He has been laying there awake more often, for long periods of time. He has a little hanging toy that is a bright colored turkey. He likes to look at it and he has even grinned once or twice for me. He really has made progress. Thank you for praying. I really am weary of trying to thank everyone enough. I want y'all to realize how amazing it is to see prayers answered. For instance, I asked for a miracle for my baby on Tuesday. I got to HOLD Noah on Wednesday. It was such an amazing feeling to have him close and know that we are on the road to recovery enough that I could hold him, tubes and all. Now, granted, it will be easier to hold him without all the tubes. :) Nick has not been feeling well enough to hold him because we don't dare get close if we have a sniffle or a cough. Nick's had both. (the wind here has been like home the last couple of days, arg) haha.
So, overall, Noah is just doing well and I am praying that we get through this sunday with no big events. Things always seem to happen on the weekends, so I ask the Lord for a simple sunday of rest for my baby boy.
I suppose that is all for now. Thank you, as always, for your prayers and love.
I am also blown away by the fundraiser efforts of Brad Duggan. He has blown us away with his generosity to plan such a neat event coming up on saturday in Canyon. We are humbled beyond words. Truly. Check it out on facebook. Baby Noah Fundraiser. Incredibly blessed by him and all who are helping to put this together. WOW! We will be here in Ft Worth of course next weekend, so we won't be there, but we are hoping to skype or something to say hi to everyone! We love you all and are so grateful and thankful for the support.
blessings,
shaina