What. A. Week.
I'm not sure who all reads this, but as a momma, this week has been kinda rough. Anyone know what I mean? Lots of two year old moments, fridge broke, lots going on, blah blah. This week was also just one heck of a grief week. I'm not sure what that even means, other than EVERYTHING was magnified. Every single emotion, frustration, issue; it was all over analyzed and made everything "more than it actually was". Am I making a big mess of sense here? haha.
I have been at this "life after loss" thing since February and it's not that it is easier, but I am getting used to it and I can predict a bit more about when I am going to break down, what will trigger a cryfest or how I'm going to respond to situations, etc. The last few weeks have been a cycle of sorts and this week was no different. The weekends are always so great and I soak up ALL the time I have with Nick and Ava together, just us. We have family time, art lessons/studio time, church, down time..it is so nice. Monday rolls around and brings with it a broken fridge, a cranky toddler, and anything else that could go wrong, not to mention that some days not having my son alive just plain hurts. So, in turn, that puts me into a tail spin and things that should be easily taken care of and everyday issues become the start of a sort of depression and unless I completely let it all out, it just gets worse. There are days that I just wish I could sit and mope, be alone, in the dark with a bunch of netflix, a box of kleenex and a huge dr pepper. Totally irrational, but I truly just need to let it all go and be upset. I don't have that option, so I have to find ways to let it out and then get on with life. I can't force Ava to never go play with her friends because I am too fragile to take her to playgroup where there are babies everywhere and so much talk of breast feeding, sleep patterns and the latest milestones. It is too hard to go almost every week, but my daughter loves her friends and wants to play. So I buck up, put on some mascara and a smile and take her. I cannot just hide in my house and never go in public, where life happens and people seem to have it all together.
I want to sit and mope all day, from time to time and I still have to get up, tend to Ava, do laundry, wash dishes, make dinner, etc. I don't get a day off from being momma to the child i DO have here. Granted, I get time here and there to be by myself and have a break. I am thankful for that and I soak it up, but grief doesn't cater to "only when I have some downtime by myself". It comes whenever it wants and sometimes it comes at the MOST inconvenient times. Grief comes when I see Ava run over to the mommies with the baby carriers and want to touch the babies and kiss them at playgroup. Grief comes when I see a little boy and wonder what Noah will look like at that age. Grief comes, never fails, after I've done a great job with my eye makeup. ha Grief comes when I get on to Ava for something she knows she shouldn't do and I know she needed discipline for, yet I feel like a terrible mom and that I deserve the death of my son. Grief tends to get irrational and very selfish. Grief isn't polite, it isn't scheduled. I wish I could pencil in grief time into my calendar so I would have it all planned out; alone-check, dark place-check, sweat pants-check, lots of kleenex-check, no babies, kids or other moms around-check. haha. I mean, wouldn't that be perfect. I'm not sure why grief comes and goes the way it does. It is so hard to be going along so well and then all of a sudden the floor gives way and you freefall into a pit that is so terrible, yet so comfortable. I almost want to be in it for awhile, to not rush the pain away, but let it do it work. It is a bittersweet place to be and it is necessary. I think each time I hit one of the deep places of sadness, loneliness, and pain, I shed another layer and feel refreshed.
In the same moment I can grieve that Noah is not here, but be so thankful he isn't here suffering. I can want to hang out with other moms and let Ava play and then as soon as we walk in I want to go away and hide. I can be ready to attack a week of chores, work orders and activities and 2 hours into Monday I can throw in the towel and need to curl up in bed. Grief has a mind of its own, but it doesn't have to control mine. I have realized that I can't pretend it doesn't exist, wish it away or ignore it. I have to let it do its work, pray through, ask for help, and hold on to the promise that God is still good, even when we don't understand Him. Through the hurt and pain, good things sprout up, I have found that I am growing deeper roots, even in the hurt and pain. I am finding more about myself than I have in a long time. I'm learning to be honest with myself, be less hard on myself (slowly), be more purposed and determined. Good things can come from deep grief. Don't try to get through it so quickly. (talking to myself) Just let God guide you through the waves as they come and go. Day at a time.
Any ideas on how to get through the awkward moments around moms, hit me up. haha. I'd love to know how any of the women who have suffered child loss get back into the "social mom" game.
In Him,
Shaina
