Hello all 5 of you who read these. That is probably my best friend, my mom and dad, sister and CT. :) haha!
This next few days I want to give myself and maybe you, a challenge. I want to be more fully present in the season, the days we are setting aside to celebrate Christ, togetherness, family, etc.
So my proposal is that after I post this today I am going to refrain from Facebook for the next week.
I will be on Instagram here and there (of course haha) but I think I'm going to ditch the mindless scrolling and have some fun, get some rest, read some books, bake some things, play games, do a puzzle, take pictures without posting all of them, look at Christmas lights, set some goals and visions for 2018, snuggle my kids more, watch movies, take a walk, listen to music, write some thank you notes, and LIVE!
I've walked through the last few years of holidays in a sort of fog... I've felt that release this year and I want to fully embrace and enjoy this season.
Life is too short to:
-not forgive
-hold grudges
-be upset by the smallest things
-debate
-argue
-live with a spirit of competition
-feel the need to justify everything we say or do
-judge so harshly
-put expectations on people that you know they can't meet and then get mad at them when they don't meet them.
-scroll through hundreds of advertisements and spam
Grief is hard and many years feel lonely and that you have to put on a show or fake it til you make it...sometimes you can't even fake it anymore. There are moments when it's all just too much. The years it takes to truly find fresh healing and peace are long. It takes intentional desire to come to a healthy place after loss. We ALL CHOOSE. We choose to keep seeking truth, Christ's healing, His love, His peace, His plan for us. We choose to be bitter, not forgive, hold grudges and judge people for things they didn't even know they did. We can be harsh and rude and ugly in our grief. I don't think we ever mean to hurt people that love us, but we can become so overwhelmed by the idolatry that grief can become that we forget we have a choice to make. We either choose grace or we choose bitterness.
This all has taken years for me to grasp and to understand. It is MY interpretation and MY testimony. I always say exactly what I mean and I say things bluntly here because it is my personal space to do so. Grief gets ugly. Grief can become an idol in our life. Grief causes or can cause us to make bitter decisions, ugly ways of responding, we react harshly, we judge harshly, we become critics and no one and nothing can please us. Only by letting God to a hard work in us, will we see true freedom, true peace and healing.
It completely sucks that my son will not be alive to enjoy the holidays with us. We don't get him here with us. For the life of my I do not believe that he would want me to hold grudges, live in un-forgiveness, be bitter, be judgemental, act hateful or rude to anyone or even just internalize all of that. I truly believe that the one I so dearly miss would want me to live a life of freedom, a life of grace, a life of forgiveness, a life of trust. A life of worship. Trust is our greatest form of worship. Will you trust Christ enough to cut out the hateful comments, rude reactions, harsh judgements, cynical and snide remarks, hinting around at everyone of how rude people are to you, how people just don't understand, etc... at what point would the people who have passed, the ones we grieve the loss of, finally tell us ENOUGH. not in my name or for my memory will you act like this. Grieving is hard, It is so very very hard. It is also not an excuse to imprison yourself and everyone around you in a cycle of unending bitterness. Have FREEDOM. Have fresh life and fresh perspective come in as you let him in.
I say all of this out of my experience. Quit letting grief, no matter how long you've lived with it, be a prison. I don't only grieve the loss of a child. I grieve all the friendships that didn't remain because they bailed, but I do not sit here and live in bitterness against them. I let it go and let God do work in me. I grieve the goals I never attained and now it is too late, but I don't sit here and get jealous of those who have attained big goals because they do the work to get there. I am setting new goals and doing new things in my life to reach them. At some point I quit blaming past friends, past experiences, former seasons, harsh realities, and the people around me for all the stuff I was walking through and decided that maybe God was trying to get my attention and DO WORK in ME. It's ok to need to go through a season of refining and shaping and molding. We must go through it. We must learn through it. Friend, let God do the work in you, by doing the work he's asking you to do. I think that is called, "taking up our cross"... the beauty of this hard work is that you cannot fail, you have the grace unending and the arms stronger that steel that will support you and keep you as you walk this walk of faith.Your Red Sea Road as Ellie Holcomb would call it. Listen here.
Please holler at me if you are struggling with any of this. It is a constant thing that I see God doing in me. I'm learning to not blame everyone around me and just seeing things as opportunities to grow and learn and deepen my faith.
Again, this is all in my perspective and life, not yours. Everyone is different and experiences things differently, but I do hope you find encouragement somewhere in this, to quit asking why or finding someone to blame, but just accept the season and let God use it. Let God use even the people you so struggle with to help heal your heart.
much love, Merry Chirstmas!
Shaina
