See, every year I pick a word that I feel like God is going to use to teach me and be my theme. Last year, 2013, was Deeper. My how that was truth. Our son died, 1.5 months after choosing that word. God dropped me deeper than I ever have into the ocean of dependence and grace. I'm certain that last year was the deepest year of my life in every way. This year he gave me the word Simplify. I felt that with the new year there was so much to simplify in terms of normal routine, clean out the house that had been neglected in all the chaos of '12/'13 and really simplify our family schedule, our eating, habits, plans, etc. I knew that God would clean house in many ways.
I always love looking at for sale houses online and have wanted to move for awhile now and I just felt like we weren't at a place financially, emotionally, etc. I gave it to the Lord though and one day Nick and I saw a house we liked and just asked the Lord to show us the direction and timing for selling ours and trying to buy that one. Little did we know that 2 or so houses later we would finally find the one, but it took that initial house to get us to jump down that cliff of unknown. We put our house on the market on May 6th and we had a contract on it on May 8th. That went through fine and on June 12 we closed. In that month we had to paint the entire house, get a window fixed and do a couple of other things, like pack up almost 5 years and 2 kids worth of stuff. ALL of our stuff went into a trailer, a storage unit and a little bit of space in my mother in law's garage. (we moved into her house) and we have lived here for the last month and week. We have been blessed by this and have been able to do things like a trip to Galveston and some other things because of the money saving ability. We are thankful. So in the middle of this we were trying to find us a house and we found another one, since the initial one was no longer available. We found a house on a street that was perfect, great school, nice neighborhood, close to everything we do and the right price. Well, things got nuts from there. So many repairs were going to have to be made, but we were in love. We found ways to figure it out and we almost had a deal. Then, we found some more major repairs and had to break up with her. It was no fun. We really thought we would live there for many years and we loved the layout and everything, but we knew it was not the one for us. So, we let it go, in faith, knowing that God would have a better place for us. Boy did he. This would mean we would be without our own home for an extra (almost month). We had to just trust and then start looking again and we realized that he truly could give us more than what we imagined, if we would let him. We quit trying to make work what we thought was best and let him do it. We will be able to move into a home we love, one that gives us more space, and also is coming with some things we didn't even think about until it happened. We are blessed, (I still trust and claim that we have always been blessed, even the day Noah died we were blessed...end soap box) and this season in our life feels so refreshing because we have been in a couple of years of deep struggle, pain and hurt. This refreshment feels so good, it is so undeserved but it is welcomed and I am so thankful.
Why am I telling you all of this? It doesn't really have anything to do with Noah, our journey with him or grief. It doesn't seem to really have anything to do with hospital life, heart moms, or how to cope after child loss. But, it has everything to do with it. I've realized over the last few months of house craziness that as long as I have Christ ALL will work out. When we let God handle our grief and our pain, he brings about healing in His way and His way is always best. I didn't understand why I never got to bring my baby boy home. I struggled with going into a nursery/kid room that was ready for a little girl and a baby boy to share and it never happened. I had made places in our cabinets for medicine, we had our carpets pulled up and floors redone so we could eliminate some of the "stuff" that could make it harder for Noah to breathe etc. We were ready to have him home and he never came home. As Nick prayed over our home as we left it in June, he thanked God for the home it had been for us, since we bought it, for how many holidays and special times we had there, but he also thanked God for letting us leave it, for we never got to bring our baby boy there and we were reminded of that daily. God knows what we need. Since moving out of that home, I have felt a refreshment and a sense of healing I hadn't had yet. Even just living with family for now, it has given me a month and a half to breathe after leaving that special place. Now, I am super ready to move into a home that is just for us, maybe more children at some point, but for now, this home starts fresh, with memories of Noah strung about, but without the hole. I feel more complete and sure of things now than I have since he died. Time doesn't heal but it allows us to feel all we need to feel, to grow and change, to breathe and relax. Time gives us space. It doesn't make it hurt any less on any given Tuesday while driving and all of a sudden something sparks your memory. It does make the big picture more evident and in that, it brings comfort and perspective.
So many things to look forward to in this home. I'm excited that God has allowed us the opportunity to begin fresh here. I see many DNows, life groups, girl nights, birthday parties, sleepovers, bible studies, BBQ's, youth parties, playdates and family time there. I see relaxing, resting, laughing, and enjoying life together with my husband and daughter. I see bringing home a new baby that God might give us someday. I see so many possibilities I never could see in our old home.
Maybe you're in some grief or a season of dryness right now and you need some perspective change. I'm not saying buying a new home will fix it. I certainly do not advise
making some life change in the middle of it all. I'm saying to prayerfully ask God what changes HE CAN MAKE in you and in your life. Maybe it is a new haircut, a new pair of shoes, a new Bible study book, a new Bible or journal, a new place to go for walks or maybe take a road trip. Many things have helped me keep perspective and have assisted to change my outlook on my life in the last 2 years by keeping things refreshed. Get out of your rut. Let God pour in some sunshine. It would be a dishonor to your loved one to live selfishly in over drawn out emotional prison. Let God bring freedom, release and grace every day. This does not discount the life of your child or your close one. This is healing. This is new life. The pain and memories will always be there, they come up in waves and you let them come and go. The daily life has to come back though and in that, let God make it wonderful! Let him bless you without feeling guilty. Let him take care of you without you holding yourself back. Be healed. Be loved. Be free.
I am finally coming to some conclusions about grief and how lonely it can be sometimes. One of the things I feel very convicted about is that I would get so sad or frustrated when people started to "move on" often seeming like they had "forgotten" about Noah...I would try so hard to make people remember. Posting a picture a new blog post, forced out. I would just try and try to make people remember and that is not healthy. I have the freedom as his mother and as a person, to share with others about Noah when I choose, but to somehow be let down by something people aren't doing to me or on purpose.... selfish. It's time to move forward and onward in life, not forgetting, but living. simply living. If #simplify14 means anything to me, it means living simply, but it also means, simply living. I don't have to strive so hard to make life ok or better, simply living life, with my lovies is enough!
Living Simply- healthier, less cluttered, more organized and more intentional- YES!
Simply Living- taking each day at at time, soaking up every moment with my daughter and husband, playing in the rain, going to the park, stopping to relax, to soak in the mundane and boring sometimes, to enjoy, to thrive, to just live. ABSOLUTELY.#simplify14 just continues to teach me and make me better! :)
Be blessed, be simple;
Shaina
