#Discipline18

If you have kept up with me since the days of this blog being for updates on our son, Noah, then you've walked quite a few years with me. These last 5 years have been the most challenging and growing times of my life, obviously, I suppose. I have walked some mighty tough roads and have fallen quite a number of times trying to figure out what life looks like in the aftermath.
We are far from aftermath season though... we have arrived at... normal life. With Ana here and already 2, Noah will be gone 5 years next month and Ava is on the tail end of 6, life isn't just about surviving anymore. I'm not struggling like I was. I'm not self medicating with things like busy-ness, food(as much, that will probably always be a struggle), or endless tries at hobbies and projects. I'm settling into a season of life that is routine, even normal. I am enjoying the mundane things more than I ever have. There is a contentment that comes with release of a long season. The FOMO...fear of missing out...I think that seems to dissipate over time. It has for me. I used to stay so busy because any time I would have open space or clear time I would fall into a pit of grief and heartache. I can now have "free" time that does not send me into a time of deep remembering or pain.
 I've struggled with certain disciplines in my life and they will always come back around to me. The beginning of the year tends to be a time when we all decide to re-set and refocus on these things. Our pastor said this weekend that we tend to try to re-solve, like an equation or math problem, we are trying to solve things, for the hundredth time, to no avail. At some point something has to change. The issue I've had in the past is thinking I have to change/discipline myself in everything at once. In years past I would have a list of things I needed/wanted to change and then try to tackle it all at once, burning out in a couple weeks and "resolving" to my old habits/ways. Over the course of time I've realized that I can change a habit or a discipline one at a time over the course of time. I can't decide to get up early, work out 3x a week, drink more water, take vitamins, read more, facebook less, and be a more patient mom all in one week. It just won't happen. I am learning that the daily decisions we make and the daily practices we commit to are what make our lives over time. We sold our house and downsized this last year, but that one big decision doesn't' necessarily make or break our big goals, our daily spending will. If we commit to save and spend less, that is what ultimately will make the big difference. I can do a 30 day wellness routine, Whole 30, but if I just let it all go after that, then that one big choice didn't really mean anything. It is when I daily make the decisions about health and wellness, for long periods of time that change comes. So much easier said than done.

Discipline  is a word that I have struggled with and a virtue I have prayed for for so many years, but I think God is finally getting my attention to the fact that, discipline only comes when I choose it, day in and day out, mundane or not, bored or not, frustrated or not, results or not...keep at it. We all know that none of us will make this happen perfectly. In fact, I am positive that that is one of the reasons we all give up so easily is because we mess up and think "what's the point".. when in reality, we should have said, "can't let this stop me, must keep going".... when it says in
Romans 12:2
Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will.
It means that Christ transforms our minds...our entire way of thinking must pattern  his, not the world's. We then know and walk in God's will for us. That will isn't always pleasant or easy, but it is the best. It is His will, not our own. 

The idea of self care has been a big hit in recent days. I know that as a mom, as a wife, as just a person...self care is important and sometimes we put ourselves on the back burner. What Christ has been teaching me about self care though, lately, is that is isn't so much about facials, pedicures and alone time as much as it is about hard disciplines that are best for me anyway. I don't particularly like getting up early, but it is a practice in self care that is important to me now because it gives me time in the Word and prayer before the house gets up. I don't like eating healthy and I fail at it in many ways, but it is a practice in self care that is making me better. I still enjoy a time away, a glass of wine or a hot bath without interruption but true self care is doing things, even the hard things, that sharpen us, refine us and make us more like Jesus, not the world. We just don't like hard things. We want things to be easy and simple. Yet, when you look back, every single hard season was truly worth it. It is hard to say that or admit that that break up was ok in the long run or that job change was the best thing...it's hard to see my son's death as something that could ever be ok or even used for good. 

BUT GOD, He does a redeeming work. When we are surrendered to him and his ways, He makes the way when we don't see it. He uses the dark times for his light. He brings beauty out of ashes. He brings life from death. 

So, my word is discipline for 2018. I'm certain that he will continue to teach me much more about this as the year unfolds. What I do know, is that it is a choice. I encourage you to let God do the hard work in you! Let him transform your mind, through his word and through his spirit! 

Love you all. 
S